Does he want to save our marriage?
I have been with my husband now for almost 4 years. We just recently got married and it has been a little over 2 months. When I met him I did have a child from a previous relationship. After dating for 3 years we had a child of our own which is his first.He has always been a vivid drinker having to have at least 6 beers a night. Some nights it is more and then some nights it is less, if any at all (although those nights are rare). My husband was raised by his grandparents because his mom chose a man over her children and sent my husband and his older brother to live with her parents. He has alot of resentment and abandonment issues that stem from this. Also he has never met his biological father because his mother up until a couple months ago would even tell him who he was. She came out about 5 months ago and gave him a name and that was it. She said she didn’t know what town he lived in but she did have a stated, and she wanted him to know that his father did know about him before he was born. He has went thru very hard times growing up watching his granmother pass away, getting into the wrong crowd, doing hard drugs, drinking and partying. He has been in two wrecks that should have took his life becausehe was drunk. He totalled out both vehicles in those wrecks. One he was going about 90 mph and lost control and went off the road. The other he was going too fast lost control and ran off the road and broke his neck. i cant imagine how he survived either one, but i am very greatful he did. I met him about 6 months after he got his halo off (which was what they had to screw on his head when he broke his neck). I loved everything about him. He made me feel so important and so special, he accepted me having a child and loved my son to death, yet he did drink. As the years go by and i see how bad his drinking really is ive become to HATE alcohol. I have never been a big drinker nor have i done drugs so i dont see what it is about it that people just HAVE TO HAVE.. He could tell me time and time again i dont have money for this or i dont have money for that but there is ALWAYS beer in the refrigerator. When he drinks all his childhood emotions come out and it really intensafies his emotion that soon lead to anger. He overtalks me and will not listen to what i have to say becuase hes been through so much more than me in his life and i just dont understand and will never really understand him. Ive threatend to leave in the past but never done it. Im to the point now where i dont know what to do. I am 25 years old and i get advice from my mother becuase i look up to her and respect what she says, but i dont know if she is just telling me he will never change becuase she doesnt care for him? or what.. I was a only child so i know by all means i was not perfect in the releationship either. I see myself as a good mother, a loyal wife, churchgoer, i have a job that i have had for the past 4 years*doesnt pay that well*but it is a job. Some women think the man can jsut work and support them but i acually go to work everyday so that we can have extra money for the extra things we want or need. I just feel like i am stuck here trying to change him and he isnt going to change and im wasting my time… Yes i see what is happening maybe i dont want to believe it but i do. I love him so much and want nothing more than our family to work and us raise our kids but with him not respecting my wishes on him to stop drinking then that shows me he doesnt care. Everything is my fault…i dont understnad him, i cant relate to him, i will never be able to provide for our family like he can. These are just some of the things i get on a daily basis.He gives me excuses as to why he is drinking.. well some friends came over we are watching this ppv fight, you let me drink 2 beers the other night whats wrong with it now…. this is what he says to me.. Well now i see that me condoning him drinking those two beers was really not the right thing to do becuase it gets put in my face now, so im to the point NO BEER AT ALL and have your family together…. or keep drinking but im going to find someone that iwll love and respect me the way i know i deserve to be respected. Sorry for rambling on guys i just really need some elder advice. This isnt everything in our life but it touches on alot of things. It is humiliating to have only been married 2 months and it is coming to this. I have tried praying at church, spending quality time with him and the kids, tell him he is doing a good job on not drinking as much, ive read 2 books on the inner life of a man and how they feel and what i can do differently, ive called a counsoler, ive signed up for daily emails on how to save our marriage, ive tried to talk to him and i have told him what he can do to change, i have asked him to do the same for me yet he refuses. When he tells me hes done all he can do the only thing that comes to mind is he has started attending a recovery group*yet he is still drink
Sorry it didnt take my whole message here is where it left off….*yet he is still drinking*, he tells me he provides a home for our family, he tells me he plays with his kids, but you dont hear naything about ME in there… nothing about ive done this and done that to make our relationship better. Hes told me several time that paying child support would be ten times better than being with me. A week after we got married he told me he has felt the erge to leave but he hasnt because of the kids becuase he didnt want to be away from them… Is there anything more I can do to help save our marriage or should i just let it go here and stop holding onto something that is not there…? All advice is welcome good or bad… Please Help!!!
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Tagged with: 3 years • 5 months • abandonment issues • alcohol • beers • biological father • brother • crowd • drinker • grandparents • granmother • halo • hard drugs • mom • parents • relationship • resentment • wrecks
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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as you say, he is an angel if he not drinking.
Social drinking is once in a while, once or two beer or glass of wine.
But when you starting to social regularly and drinking until to become a dumps ass is not social drink.
if you want to safe this married than this is the only you can try but there is no guarantee that will work.
First you both need to see counseling
second he need to sign up for AA
life is not easy for every one. each one of us going through life in different way but doesn’t mean it is always pleasant. excuses of being drug and alcohol is not a good excuse.
A man twice almost kill himself, every one should learn on the first mistake but he did not. If the drinking pattern still continue there may be the third one coming.
when a person don’t care much the safety of their own than what make you think they would care for your safety of the safety of other.
You can not change any one You can not help any one unless he willing to help himself.
Even after you leave him, this is what you are going to dealing with, he will come to your and sweet talk you to come back, than he will be nasty at you again when he drunk. Thing only get worse if there is alcohol involve
I used to grow up next to the family with the same story. His wife and kids used to ran to my home and hide.
I think you both need to go to counseling. You may want to go to A.A. meetings in your area for his drinking. The problem is that you knew about his drinking before you were married and had a kid with him. It’s going to be tough for him to change because this is all he knows as far as the drinking and his troubled past. It’s going to be a long, hard road and he has to want to change. If he doesn’t want to change, you need to look out for your future and your child’s future. In your last paragraph, it sounds like he’s choosing his drinking over his family…..that’s a big, red flag. I wish you the best.
He is a full blown alcoholic. You need to end it so you can try to find someone who is NOT alcoholic to be with.