How do I help my wife love/trust/desire me again…I cheated?
I had an affair at the beginning of the year. It lasted for a few months. I was out of state working for 8 months and because I was in Mississippi working after the hurricane, there was limited housing and not a lot of time off. My wife and I only saw each 5 times in 8 months. Thats no excuse, I really don’t know why I did it. It was stupid, selfish, etc etc. It was the first time I ever cheated, and as God as my witness I will never do that to my wife again. I cant bear to see her hurt the way she has. I could never express all the remorse I feel, but I will spend the rest of our lives trying to make it up. She is a wonderful woman and has found it in her heart to try and forgive me. We are active in church ( I have asked God for his forgiveness, and feel that I have repented my sin), and counseling. I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me, I HOPE I can forgive myself one day. My question is…as hard as she is trying, she has god days and bad days which I (continued)
completely understand!! I have been and gotten checked for STDs to ease her mind. We have resumed our sex life and when she has some wine or beer at night (which she has just recently stared doing) te sex is fine. But if she doesn’t have a drink she cannot go on with the act. I’m not complaining, I will give her all the time she needs, I messed up. She did not. But I want to know what I can do to help her. I am so in love with her, and if anything came out of my mistake, it is that I realize now what a wonderful person she is and how I cannot live with out her. Our 11 yrs of marriage hae been wonderful. Anyone have any suggestions as to what I can o to let er know that I love her and want her and only her.
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Tagged with: counseling • excuse • forgiveness • god as my witness • heart • hurricane • love • marriage • mississippi • mistake • remorse • rest of our lives • sex life • stds • time off • wine • wonderful person • wonderful woman
Filed under: How To Get Her Back
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Forgiveness is acknowledging your mistake and choosing to not do it again. That is what forgiveness is for you. It is saying to yourself you are still a great person even though you made a mistake. If you blew off the final exam in High School and failed it because you were having too much fun and were given another chance to take it, you’d study your butt off and focus on doing a better job next time. Same thing with all of our mistakes and failures. For her forgiveness will mean acknowledging that you made a mistake but it did not destroy her spirit. She has to let go of yesterday and until she does she will keep the pain in her heart. Forgiveness isn’t about making someone else feel better about the mistake is about making ourselves feel better despite the mistake. If you have forgiven yourself realize that because she is still with you and living as a wife with you she is trying. Keep your chin up and make sure to always be available to her. Make sure to constantly shower her with how much you love her and be there for her in ways you had not been in the past. This will be reminders to her when the memory comes up that that was you yesterday, not today. Today you are the man who learned from your mistake and you’re more faithful in your heart to her now than you have ever been. She’ll realize your mistake was actually a blessing because you became a better more attentive man which is what she needed anyway.
Regardless of your remorse, you still cheated. You broke your commitment to your wife and ther isn’t any way she can truly trust you again. The best thing to do is accept responsibility and get out of her life – allow her to find someone who truly loves and respects her.
Dude, we get the picture.
It doesn’t matter if god has forgiven you, it’s up to your wife to decide. How do you get through it? I’m afraid you’re at her mercy. You have to listen to her cry, and whine and nag and anything else she wants to help her feel better, for one year. If she hasn’t done it in one year, its not going to happen.
Wow. I think one of your friends asked a question earlier about how he could help you. Small world. Are the guy that cheated with the psycho chick that won’t stop calling and sending letters to your wife? If not, ignore that. Anyhow, you said you have repented of your sin. So all is well with Him. Now to get everything okay with her. You just have to earn it with time. Show her that you are trustworthy and be steadfast.
You are pitiful. If you go talking to your wife the same way you posted this message, she’ll never take you back. Man-up. Stop whining. No wonder she doesn’t desire you. She probably didn’t desire you in the first place. The problem is that you weren’t a man when you cheated. If you would have been a real man when you made the mistake, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. If you love her as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t have done it. You give adulterers everywhere a bad name.
Your remorse is a good thing, but don’t for one second start to believe that just because you’re sorry and you learned your lesson that that is all you have to suffer over this. This might take years for her to get over and you have to bear it as your punishment for the transgression. Show her how you feel about her by being understanding. Never get pissed about her denying you and you might try soothing her during the act to keep her from thinking about what you did. Speak to her about how much you love her during, don’t just do the job and hope for the best. You from now on have to make love with her until she is confident in your marriage. And one day from now, a long time from now, you can hope that you can both have sex together and not have that thought enter into it at all. But until then, suck it up. This is exactly what you deserve.
she will have good and bad days. if u love her u will stick by her, and wait this out. just be as loving and caring as possibble, showing her by your actions that she can trust u again. maybe it’s the way u are seeing yourself, and if u would just forgive yourself, and see yourself as a changed man, than maybe u will see her differently. just stay active in church, pray to god daily, it’s a process that u are going through. but it will pass.
Wow what a doozie. First off, every person heals from things like this in their own time. She can forgive you, but she will never forget…never. I think it is great you guys are seeling counseling as well. Marriages can come through infedilty, but it is hard. I had a friend in the past whose husband cheated on her. That was 4 years ago and they are still together. Things may not ever be the same as before…a huge trust has been broken…vows have been broken. That is alot to recover from.
As far as the sexual activity, maybe she needs the wine or whatever to help loosen her up. She is reminded I am sure everytime she goes to bed with you that you once shared that special intimacy with another woman. What you did was not a one night stand, it was a relationship on many levels other than just sexual I am sure.
The answer to your question is simple…you cannot help her love/trust/ or desire you again. She clearly still loves you or else she would have ended the marriage. She may never trust you completely again, and that is something you need to come to terms with. What you should do there is call when you will be late, let her know where you are..you owe that to her to not allow her to worry if you are out doing it again. As far as desiring you…that again is up to her. Things can move on in your marriage, but on her time frame. She is recovering from quite a blow. She has to be allowed to recover on her own time and there is simply nothing you can do to change that.
Time, lots of time. Your infidelity has been forgiven but not forgotten and the healing process can take forever. Just keep doing what your doing.
Both of you, get to a good marriage counselor. You need help. Don’t let this go another day. You still have a very good chance of saving this marriage and falling in love with each other all over again. Keep going to the counselor together until you can feel that things are better than they have ever because you will get to that point.
There is nothing you can do to help her. The only thing that will help is time. Sorry there is not a magic wand you can wave this away with, but that is just how it is. Good luck.
You screwed the pooch and she holds all the cards. You made the bed. If she forgives you in time then you will be very fortunate. It could take forever, but the fact is it is up to her. All you can do is your best. Counseling is good to keep in check that she is not using the situation to her advantage.
You cannot take back what you have done, but you can make sure that it never happens again and be the exception to the rule, that once a cheater always a cheater.
Remember, she doesn’t have to trust you or forgive you and if you ever get tired of repenting then you haven’t learned anything and are just looking to get off the hook.
And remember this; it wasn’t a random sexual encounter. You were having a relationship for several months with another person. You betrayed everything and everyone including yourself.
I hope every man that considers cheating could read your question. I can tell you are sincere. On the other hand. I can’t answer too positively.No matter what you do , your marriage will never be the same. It can survive, but is forever changed. Once a person cheats, that bond of trust is so weakened most people simply cannot get past that issue. All I can say is that actions speak louder than words.
She still loves you but may not desire or trust you for a while, give her time and be patient.
I feel that you being remorseful and cannot forgive yourself is weighting on her to. I am a Christian and I know that we have the power to bare a heavy cross, and your wife being part of you “meaning that we are one when we marry” Our burtons are the other haft as well. You have to forgive yourself and lift this Burton off your family; God has heard you and has already forgiven you, now it is your turn to go on with your life. You need to free yourself from this past sin, and stop the agony that is weighting on your marriage.
ummm. This is a tough one. Some people can never get over being cheated on. I think you’ve worked through it asking for forgivness, admitting to your mistake, doing the church thing…and that’s great. You’ve healed but she hasn’t. If she has to resort to drinking to engage w/ you physically…that can’t be healthy! I see that you are trying and I respect your efforts but its a matter principle…overlooking, forgotting, forgiving can be very difficult. Every individual deals w/ infidelity differently. Give her time. Also, you screwed up and people make mistakes…nobody is perfect. Howevery that doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life trying to change how she feels or make her respect you. Give her some breathing room…not too much attention.
Being away from your family is tough, not excuseing what you did, the lifestyle of being seperated from your wife gets REAL lonley. Like you I worked ‘out-of-town for years. I was’nt married but I did have a gf in my hometown. Alot of married guys would be sent to my job-site and to work like you did and some people are just not cut out for this type of life. I can’t count how many times I saw this happen. As a superindendent I tried to steer my employs away from what happened to you and your wife, but it dosn’t always work. I found out like you did the money made is just not worth what you loose in your personal life. My opinion is if you have apologised to her apologise to yourself and do as Paul wrote Husband love YOUR wife and time will heal your wifes’ heart. I really hope the best for you both and will pray for you and your family healing.
Though she has forgiven you, she will take her time to get over it. I can only suggest that dont have sex with her until she desires it. If she has to take alcohal to have sex with you, it is no improvement in the situation. Give her some more time. Pray. It will work. Merry Christmas
There is nothing you can do except wait. The ball is in her court. You cheated and now you must pay the price of not knowing if she will ever trust you again. The fact that she needs a drink to make love to you should tell you how much she is trying to put things back to normal. The drink probably helps her relax and forget that you wanted someone else instead of her. For now all you can do is hope she doesn’t decide to do the same, (cheat) so you can feel the pain she feels.
Wow, the story is the almost the same, here in my home. I am a mother of five and my husband and I where married almost 9 years. When my husband decided the grass was greener else where. I am still with my husband, and I have good days and bad days also. I still have nightmares of him with her, places they met, or went together. I do not even like 2 go 2 those places anymore, nor do I have the desire 2 go 2 some that I have never been, but he took her. We are going on our 11th anniv. now. And I still only trust my husband about as far as I could throw him all wet and he is 200lbs dry. I am all of 140lbs., so that should give u some idea of how much of the trust is regained after almost 2 years of working on it has gotten. I love my husband 2 death, because I know that if he was with someone else it would kill me. I can say this for a fact, because I was married before 2 another person who decided 2 have an afair on me after I had our son, and had gained some wait. I left and never once was sorry for leaving. And I have never looked back wondering what it would of been like 2 have stayed. So I guess what I am saying is if your wife is still there then she most diffently LOVES U, and it will be hell on her if u do it again or leave her. The trust I can honestly say may not come back, that is a hard one 2 rebuild after broken. As far as the sex goes let her drink before hand, I do and it helps 2 let some of what happen go so she can relax and enjoy. Other wise all she is thinking is did he do that with her, or did he learn that from her. U made a choice 2 do what U did not her, she just has 2 live with a bad choice U made on your own for the rest of her life, feeling that she did something wrong in your guys relationship that made U make that choice, and trying 2 figure it out so she will not do it again, even though everyone tells us it was nothing we did or said that made U make that choice. I am sure U are a great guy, and father if U have kids, U are a great friend 2 others, and a great nieghbor, so is my husband, but losing trust because of another female and your husband having sex with another female when u are married is different then if u are just dating or going out. U made a comment that we believed. Please just do not ever be late and take your wife with U when ever U can, 2 let her know U most diffently want her in your life, give her your acct. information(cell phone, business stuff, checking, savings, get a GPS on your car so she know where U are) so she can check them when ever she wants, U have 2 let her know u have nothing 2 hide from her. This diffently has and still is helping me on my not so good days. Be willig 2 talk about everything even if it brings up past emotions. Work hard, and stay out of trouble, Keep loving your wife as much as u can. And best of luck 2 another family staying together. (Take a surprise trip and remarry your wife is a good idea also)