How can I just get over the things about my husband that bug me? He’s a man and he’s not going to change!?
I need some advice. How do you just accept someone for who they are? I am so frustrated because my husband doesn’t evolve. We’ve been married for two years, and he’s still exactly the same as when we got married. I do things to cater to him now that I didn’t do when we first got together, but he doesn’t cater to me at all.
I’ve conformed a little in the best interest of this relationship; he is resistant to conform at all.
How do I let that go?
How do I just accept that my husband is never going to listen to my advice so there’s no point in voicing it, because he’s always right even when he’s wrong. Today, he didn’t listen to me again and he was wrong again…and I didn’t even bother saying "I told you so" because that does no good! What would’ve done good would’ve been if he’d LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!
How do I just let that go?
I constantly see the "little things" that my husband could have done for me, that I would’ve done for him had the roles been reversed.
Today he drove his motorcycle to my office and borrowed my car to run an errand. When he brought the car back, he could have thoughtfully parked it right in front of my office in a metered parking space, but instead he parked it three blocks away where his motorcycle was parked in the parking garage.
This is not a big deal, but I know that if the roles were reversed, I would’ve parked right in front of his workplace, walked the three blocks to the motorcycle and then called him with the sweet surprise that he doesn’t have to walk the three blocks to the parking garage after he gets off work.
Why is it that I can think of thoughtful little things like this to show him that I love him but he can’t!?! And because he’s a man, he’s never going to change into someone that is as thoughtful as I am, so how do I just let that go???
HOW DO I JUST ACCEPT HIM FOR THE STUBBORN, SELFISH AND THOUGHTLESS PERSON THAT HE IS AND LET IT GO!?!?
I’m tired of being frustrated with him! I just need to know how to stop thinking of ways that he could be a better husband and just let it go because he’s not going to change and I’m tired of being frustrated all the time!!!!
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Tagged with: best interest • motorcycle • parking garage • parking space • relationship • sweet surprise • thoughtless person
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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The first step is to understand that there is a problem with the way you are thinking andd to accept things for what they are. The that fact your husband is the way he is will probably never change and you know it. That’s unfortunate and if you can love him the way he is says a lot about the kind of loyal person you are. . You are on the right track to forgiveness when you are thinking the way you do.
I assume you love your husband and he can be, at times, a very loving and considerate man. I am a lot like you. I am a patient person also. I have the ability to forgive my fiance for the minor flaws in her character. We are all human beings and none of is perfect. As long as he is loving, faithful and caring of you for the most part, i would not think you would want to leave him. SOme people are a little bit short sided an they forget that we are all different. We can’t expect everyone to act and think like us. it’s just not realistic to expect that of anyone.
You can change your thinking by using some cognitive reasoning. You havethe ability to control the way your mind thinks about things. I was dealing with some insecurities in my relationship. I did not likethe way my unfounded insecurities were affecting me and my relationship. i went to see a counselor to see if she could help me with this problem. I was amazed on how simple it was to get rid of my foolish insecurities. Here’s how it works for me;
When you feel the negative thoughts coming into your head, simply tell your mind to STOP!!! Then you need to replace that thought with a positive memory of how your husband gave you flowers or was romantic some other time. Put those negative thoughts into a mental folder, put the folder into a mental drawer and close the drawer. This is your irrelavant file. Dont’ open it unless you need to file for divorce for infidelity or some other iissue.
Just remind yourself that you married the stubborn, selfish and thoughtless person because you loved him, apparently.
If you could overlook it then, you can overlook it now.
You have been married two years.
TWO YEARS!
Newsflash! Newsflash!!! Men do not "evolve" for the better until they reach the age of around 40.
So for now, you got what YOU MARRIED!
Good luck, and HANG IN THERE!
If you really believe he can’t change then why post this? Of course being selfish can be changed. And it’s not a man thing, being selfish is a bad trait no matter who you are, I can’t stand selfish people personally.
"he’s still exactly the same as when we got married"
Did you like him when you got married? If so, then why did YOU change?
If not, then why did YOU marry him?
well why did you marry him? if you married him 2 yrs ago, didn’t you like that person? you should have made sure ALL the things you wanted were there before saying I DO. Just because you say I DO doesn’t mean he is going to turn into Prince Charming.
You can either accept this (which should have been done 2 yrs ago) or sit him down and tell him exactly what you need from the relationship nad then let him tell you.
Wow, I was expecting your husband to be an actual jerk, but it’s really you’re the one that’s childish.
Really? These petty little things would break the deal for you?
I suggest you stop catering to him and when he notices that the little things you do for him have stopped, he’ll ask why and you can tell him you never get anything in return. But to be honest, you shouldn’t do things so that you can get something in return. You do nice things because you want to. Not to get soemthing out of it. Right?
You married him like this, why did you assume he would change after you married? That was foolish.
Marriage counseling.
I think that rather than look at the things he doesn’t do for you (your expectations vs. his) that you should look at the things he does do for you.
You married him "as is"- what makes you think that you were going to change a grown man. You took him on.
It has nothing to do with his being a man. His behaviour sounds selfish and something you would have noticed before marriage.
Just lead by example and hope for the best.
i don’t think you can. your are not appreciated as much as you would like to be, and like you said it isn’t going to change. you are just going to be more frustrated and more frustrated till you can’t take no more. you have to make a change…probably divorce. find someone who truly does appreciate you . life is way way to short not to be happy. you are only getting older honey…enough is enough
I supposed your husband is on here asking questions like:
How do I get out of this relationship. If I would have known I was marrying my mother I never would have done it.
It sounds like it’s all about you, and the only reason you do nice things for him is to get something nice from him. Motives are messed up…again thinking all about you.
If 3 blocks weren’t a big deal if the roles were reversed why do you give a crap now…poor me something to b***h about.
And to say"because he’s a man he’s never going to change" what is that. Did you marry him to change him..should have thought this deal through a little more.
me me me me me poor me
let it go already
Well I’m not married but I do have a boyfriend and we live together. We’ve been together for years and when we moved in together I thought that it would be different. But I was wrong. Sometimes I would like more thoughtful things as well because I’m pregnant. I would just like it just because and not because it’s a special holiday. Just things like did you want me to help you clean or just offer to do something that would require me to be on my feet. Does he do these things? No. It gets under my skin alot because I do get tired because afterall I don’t sit around and wait on any man so I do whatever myself. I have learned to not let it bother me and have learned to not expect it. At least that way it would kinda be a surprise when something thoughtful or kind does happen. But after two years you should have either talked to him about it or either learn to just let it go
A what the other Donna said
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I like the fact that you’re deciding you want to change your attitude – congratulations! It takes a mature person to accept that she is powerless to change a fellow human being, that she can only change herself.
I think what you should do is lower your expectations. Enjoy him for who he is. Here, you focused on the negatives, but you obviously married him for good reasons. So when you find yourself looking at his faults, just shift focus, and start looking at what you love about him.
Stop giving him advice unless he asks for it. If you are dying to advise something, instead sweetly say, "Let me know if you want to talk about it, but I will support whatever you decide to do."
Finally, I was going to object to you saying "the stubborn, selfish and thoughtless person that he is," but I changed my mind. You know, you’re just being realistic. But what’s going to keep you down is the fact that you’re not being realistic enough. What I mean by that is that, to that list of negatives, you need to mentally tack on a list of true positives. So for example, when you think those thoughts, just add some more, like, "My husband may be stubborn, selfish, and thoughtless, but he’s a competent, handsome, and responsible (for example – come up with true ones) man too." This will help you mentally to stop focusing exclusively on the negative, which is what you’re doing now.
You probably annoy him just as much, too–based on the fact that you’re a woman and won’t change.
So, consider it even.
One thing is for sure, no one is going to be motivated to change anything about himself by being nagged to death.
Being irritated by a whiny, bitter nag usually makes a person more stubborn.
If someone was inclined to change, then he would probably change for someone that he considered to be a kind person whom he thought had his best interests at heart. He will never change for a bitter, angry person who puts him down and makes him feel like a loser.
Would you, if the roles were reversed? Probably not.
==edit==
Look! A thumbs down! SEE? YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME, SO WHY SHOULD ANYONE LISTEN TO YOU?
Now you know how he feels when you nag him.
i have to laugh, you actually said what we women all think ”he’s going to change’.
never ever assume your man is going to do anything for you,
you have to ask him right out ”honey when you bring the car back please it near the building if possible.
or honey i would like such and such for my b-day.
lower your expectations in life, men usually have a motive when they do something thoughtful. my experiences.
You need to read my question: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtWz_QkWtaz.ajSeY7WgQgHsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090826102655AAFR8pq
I have the same problem with my husband. I made him read my question and answers today, and he lookd ashamed and it actually looked like he was thinking about all the things hes doing wrong.
Maybe you should make ur husband read this and make him realize his mistakes. Men are so stupid.
I know this is going to sound strange- but try your hardest to overlook it, when you think about it, push it out of your head, think about something else. He isn’t going to change, so you have 2 options- deal with it or leave. If you train yourself to just deal with it, it will get easier, eventually, once you learn to accept him the way he is, your life will be easier. And if you do figure out a way to change him, PLEASE let me know!!!
Well for one you shouldn’t just try to get over it. My husband always thinks he right as well but every time I give him hell. I will never stop and at one point it did get out of hand but I have always been quick to voice it. I have a wonderful husband but I do believe that I made him wonderful. A lot of times men don’t think but the way I see it is I need you to do those little things for me and if your not willing to then I’m obviously not a priority to you and why should I live like that. My relationship with my husband has gotten so much better since our March wedding. It’s almost perfect but it’s like that because we are both very vocal people and we don’t have to wonder. He use to disappoint me a lot but I had to learn that I can’t expect him to do things that he hasn’t done before. Weither it’s moving your car closer or being romantic or even cooking for you whatever it is that you want your husband to do you need to let him know. In my relationship we both understand that we cant take anything for granted and if we don’t do it for each other there are other people that are willing and neither one of us ever want to know we didn’t do something for one another that we should have. In your situation I would speak with your husband let him know your tired of waiting around for him to change and care a little more and if he’s not willing to then maybe your just not meant to be together. I use to tell my husband that a lot and now I just joke that I’m going to put him back up for sale. Even though I’m joking with him he knows when I’m serious and he knows that we both have moments when we both expect the other one to bend and we both do. Our marriage is worth anything and as long as you both can agree to that working it out should be a piece of cake. So sometimes even though I know I’m wrong…he lets me be right lol.
You need to read some relationship and marriage books and share them with him.
What is most important to you is not what is most important to him.
So while you are doing all these things you think are wonderful you are completely missing his mark as well.
The mutual result is "My spouse doesn’t ‘get’ me." and it erodes your desire to "keep trying"… down spiral from there.
As Connie says below the "little things" do not register on our radar. If I borrowed a friends car, I might purposefully park it in the most annoying place possible. Possibly double-park it or fill it with packing peanuts and then mount a spy cam to capture my buddies reaction when final finds it a block or two from where I tell him I left it. Maybe he won’t notice the dead-fish in the back seat right away either.
So actually telling you where the car is and having in completely intact and odor free *is* being much more considerate than normal for a guy. If he goes out of his way to fill the tank with gas for you and brings it to your door… god damn he loves you.
So what do you suppose you would have to for one of his buddies to say, "hot damn you are a lucky man".
Parking his car nearby with a boutique of roses left in the driver seat ain’t it.
Might be worth google ‘over-functioning’ or reading "The Dance of Intimacy" as well to see if it applies to you.
I think I am living with your husband Do you ever tell him what you need? Repeatedly helps. Some men just don’t get it. Some of these responses say that you are only thinking of yourself….NOT! I understand what it’s like. However, after 6 years of marriage I am finally realizing he isn’t a bad guy, just… a guy! Who lives on logic, and doesn’t have a clue how important all that little stuff is to me. TELL HIM! You can’t stop doing the things you do for him. Enjoy the fact that you are clever enough to know they matter. Buy yourself flowers and jokingly, but seriously tell him…"look what you bought me!" Smile! Laugh! It will make you happier and any situation with him easier to understand and work through.
How fun are you to come home to?
Have a drink or join a gym because you are frustrated for nothing. He is doing what so many men do. Expect change in about 14 years.
So he was like this when you married him and you were hoping he’d "improve?" People are on their best behavior BEFORE the wedding, not after.
Not to be harsh, but you really sound like you have some anger for no reason. He’s not doing horrible things. He parked your car where HE had to park. Instead of understanding and (in your mind) feeling happy that you could do something for him (shorten HIS walk), you’re angry.
Then you say that he never takes your advice and you managed to restrain yourself and not say I told you so. Something tells me he hasn’t been ASKING for your advice, but that you feel the need to contribute your opinion.
You married him, not yourself. You can’t compare the things you do to the things he does. It sounds like you recognize the perfection in yourself and seem to think he is seriously flawed. Whereas this is a normal human condition, most of us mature and realize that not everyone is a mirror of ourselves. Clearly your husband has other good traits that caused you to marry him, and none of it was doting on you.
I don’t know how old you are, but you sound really young…21, maybe 22. Of course we were all like you when we were young. Looking back now, I wish I were a better partner early in my marriage.
I say stop getting pleasure in your perception that you’re the "good" spouse and he’s the bad spouse, and start realizing how lucky you are that you have a good man who isn’t abusive, has a job, etc. Good men are hard to find, and you’re gonna run this one off.
You can take my advice, but if you don’t, I promise to not say I told you so.
Dear,
Despite all of the negative comments on this site about you I do not believe you are being selfish – I think you’re being pretty level headed.
What you may be experiencing is emotional neglect. Depending on how affectionate or considerate your husband is overall, you should asses the situation as objectively as possible. You can do this by keeping a daily journal and noting both the good things and the not so good things. If there is more negative than positive you are experiencing some emotional neglect. If the difference is significant, like once a month you get a thank you, then you are being neglected.
You can help the situation by doing two things: first you want to focus on yourself and be really good to yourself. This is critical to remain healthy.
Discuss this sincerely in a calm but confident manner with your husband and ask him his feelings on the subject. How does he think he treats you? Is he satisfied with the relationship etc. Let your husband know that it’s important to you to feel important and special to him. And does he feel you are important and special to him? If he says no. I’d strongly suggest separation.
If he says yes, then let him know that you’re very glad. Unfortunately you’ve been doubting that because you don’t see him saying or doing things that would help you feel that. If he argues about it then you’re in good shape. That means he wants to be there and make you feel good but he has inacurate self awareness. If he says ‘well you should just be happy with a roof over your head’ or anything like that. Then you should call it quits. This type of person is abusive and such persons generally do not get better and can become dangerous. This is no joke.
If he wants you to feel good then ask him to keep track daily (as you did) of the positive complements and actions you both offer to each other. Help him understand that sometimes you don’t feel so good about yourself and you believe it may be related to the lack of positive input you recieve from him.
Emotional neglect is inflicted by a person who is unable to identify or empathize with others. A person who is only capable of considering themselves in most situations. Living with such a person can ultimately cause depression, anxiety, and seriously effect self esteem.
Emotional neglect can be inflicted in small ways by persons who seem perfectly normal. Just google emotional neglect and try to rule the list in or out based on your experiences. Sometimes these things are learned and/or have a mental ilness component that may be treatable. They may have a good income, a good social standing and be able to socialize well. That’s why it can be very difficult to feel confident about your own assessment – if you’re being reasonable or just overreacting.
“The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner and “The Dance of Intimacy” are great books for helping to communicate these delicate feelings and navigate the issue to peaceful and mutually satisfying resolution.
Focus and communicate often on mutual satisfaction in the relationship. Ask your partner how he is feeling, thinking about things and communicate your own assessment frequently. Positive input like ‘I’m so glad we’re married.’ or ‘We’re doing so great, I’m totally having fun with you.’ These things can also solicit a more positive husband, but don’t be shy about raising his awareness.
My husband and I have goals that we each work on and we review them together on nights when we’re home together. This allows us to be supportive of each other and also ensures awareness as we discuss any issues and how we might handle them in the future.
Best wishes.