How can I get my husband to love me again?

22 Comments

1. Ed says:

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   This is a long answer but I think this will help you to understand things. I’m going to warn you that you may not like it, but I’m assuming you’re looking for the truth so here goes…

   First off I’m not going to criticize you. I’m sure you’ve beaten yourself up enough about the affair. And remember, he cheated too.

   Here’s the deal: In my professional opinion he probably won’t ever get over you cheating on him. The reason being is that I’ve found that most couples I’ve counseled over the past 5 years, when the husband cheats, the wife almost always forgives him and takes him back. When the wife cheats, the husband will take the wife back, maybe 5% of the time, if that at all. Why? Well when men cheat it’s usually for one thing and one thing only…sex. What’s more is that the husband won’t develop any feelings for his mistress other than lust because he won’t seriously consider her to be long term relationship or wife material. Chances are, his lady on the side knows he’s married and the fact that this other woman is a home wrecker and knows it, the husband loses respect for her and won’t pursue a serious relationship. Most wives understand that husbands cheat mainly for sex and that there are no real feelings involved so they take them back. Feelings are what’s most important to wives so if they know their husband didn’t fall for the other woman, she’ll more than likely take him back.

   Men, on the other hand are VERY different when their wives cheat. First of all, women cheat mainly for everything BUT sex. They cheat for companionship, understanding, unconditional "love" and a myriad of other "feeling" based reasons. This is why it is more likely for a woman to develop feelings for her secret lover. Secondly, when a woman let’s another man enter her body, it is absolutely devastating to her husband. It’s the silver bullet when it comes to husbands. The reason for this is simple….sex is very important to men and exclusivity to a woman’s body is even more important than that. Knowing that they are the only man having intercourse with her is part of his manhood. Taking back a cheating wife is almost like getting leftovers to him.

   Now some people might think: "Well there’s a double standard if I ever heard one" and they’d be right, but that’s the way it is. But during intercourse it is the woman that is penetrated, not the man. It sounds simple but there is a deep psychological significance to that. Think about it, most women that I’ve counseled like to be "man handled" during sex. It’s a turn on for them to be taken and ravaged by their man because it’s what makes her feminine and him masculine. Men are the exact same way. They like being able to impose their will on and into their women in the bedroom. And it all has to do with the fact that the man is the penetrator and the woman is the "penetratee"

   So your husband sleeping with another woman doesn’t bother you as much because you know there probably wasn’t much talk of marriage and children. You on the other hand, have been "contaminated" and that’s why he may never forgive you. It’s not fair, I know but again, that’s the way it is.

   It sounds like you’re doing all the right things to win back his trust and affection. You may want to try tearfully apologizing. He is your husband afterall and a little emotion may push him to the brink of forgiveness but like I said, the odds aren’t in your favor….

   Good luck
2. Random says:

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   Start seducing every night. If he pushes you away you know its over. If not, keep it up and soon you will both forget about the past and only focus on the daily sex.
3. Steve J says:

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   You lost me at "after having an affair"…..he should throw you out of the house and go for full custody of the kids but he most likely knows that the courts are stacked against men, even when the wife is a cheating hoe, and he’ll wind up paying you half his income and only seeing his kids on the weekends so he is just binding his time until he can afford to dump you!
4. keithleyjustin says:

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   TIME-Maybe but both your trust for each other is gone,for awhile. Get a book called proper care and feeding of husbands then let him read it. Also getting on your knees and praying wouldnt hurt .
5. BOOP says:

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   Act like you do not care. Stop doing all the extras- just do what is necessary- freak him out! Make him wonder if you love him anymore- it will work. He is enjoying punishing you and getting all the benefits too, so stop allowing it. No backrubs- let him make his own lunch. Don’t ne angry- be cool and collected about the whole thing.
6. Kim says:

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   Not trying to criticize you but why keep bringing up the past, one or both of you should be adult enough to figure out that yesterday is gone. And what are either of you gaining by keeping a running tally of the others screw ups? He may still love you, but the trust that he had for you was destroyed. You have to work at building that back. He is still there with you, which is more than a lot of men would have done. Be open and honest with him about everything and let the past die, every time one of you bring it up it is like tearing the scab off a bad cut, its going to bleed and hurt again and again. Until it will be unrepairable, I wish you all the best. Just keep loving him and eventually, the trust will be returned.
7. Lady 205 says:

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   If you two really want this – love and trust can return with alot of hard work. You BOTH have to want this, you BOTH need individual counselling and you should go to marriage counselling. Counselling is a must or self help books.

   I would HIGHLY recommend this website Saving Your Relationship. It tells you how to recover from an affair, regain trust and fall in love again.

   http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog

   Good luck!
8. AK finally spring has sprung. says:

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   Well you first need to stop doing the blame game, who did worse to who game. You will get no where with it. Fact is you screwed up and he has screwed up. You forgave him he is having a harder time. If your husband doesn’t love you, you can’t MAKE him love you. If you can’t get the communication going it isn’t going to work in the end, so I suggest you say to him. "I know I hurt you, I know I did wrong, but WE have to get pass this, I know it must be hard for you, I remeber the feeling, but in time I healed and I want to help you heal, and for us to heal together." and you need to reassure him ALOT "I am so glad you are still here, cause I have come to realize in my own mistakes how much you truly mean to me."
   This is a hard one, good luck.
9. frank w says:

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   it seems like you need to take a vacation;for a year;then see how you feel at that time;or you can get him to watch some sports that he likes;and during a break in the game;come out in front of him;with no clothes on;either that;or you leave him.
10. kel says:

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    After the first paragraph. I am done reading.

    If your husband can’t trust you while you are away for a month, he can’t trust you at all.

    You should have known after he had the affair how hurt you were. But you turn around and do it right back to him. Shame on you.
11. cope_acetic@yahoo.com says:

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    I hate to tell you this, but the trust he had is gone. I think its all over but the paperwork.
    You can’t make someone love you after they don’t anymore–been there, done that. You are both drifting along on hopes, and I think you should open your eyes & face your unhappiness.
    Frankly, I can’t see how you can claim to love him, because you don’t cheat on someone if you really truly DO love them.

    Step back & take a good hard look at your life, your relationship, and your future. I think you’ll be surprised at what you find.
12. sugarBear says:

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    There’s not much you can say anymore to make him forgive you or trust you again anytime soon. It looks like this will take some time for him. Don’t pressure him since he’s still in the process of getting over it. He’s still married to you, right? That’s a good sign. If he didn’t love you at all, then I believe he would have filed for divorce by now. He obviously wants to work it out with you. What you can do is to just keep doing what your doing now. Focus more on your marriage & your daughter. You did cheat on him & he cheated on you too. That’s bad. Both of you have a history of cheating on each other. You both need to learn that marriage is a SOLID COMMITMENT. If you really love each other, then temptations should not interfere with your love. Seriously, why hurt each other if you love each other. Try & make sense of it. Are you sure your not going to continue this behavior while your married to him? You lost his trust & it’s going to take time & hard work to earn it back, that is…if he’s willing to try & trust you again someday. You forgave him for his cheating & moved on. He on the other hand is a different person with different emotions, maybe he’s not strong enough to just let things go as quickly as you did. So, maybe what you should do is understand what he’s feeling & accept it. While fixing your marriage, be honest with each other & always tell him where you will be. Treat him with respect while he should do the same for you. If you two are going to work things out, it is going to be on his slow pace.

    GOOD LUCK.
13. d1g1t4l5w1f3 says:

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    I don’t think it was what happened years ago, to me it sounds like he is either taking you for granted(is happy you being the little wife), doesn’t know how you really feel, is depressed, just is not in love with you any more, or is having an affair. Can you sit down and really have a heart to heart, without pointing the finger of blame, don’t said you did this, your worse etc, admit what you did was wrong, but the fact that he took you back and you have remained faithful should prove you love him, tell him strength that you feel unloved, and that it is unfair that you are still paying for what you did, tell him you want it to work, go out, have dates, remember why you fell in love and do it again, if he is depressed, try and get him to get help, say you are worried about him, if he is just a bast**ed! or cheating then you have wasted enough love and life on him, and a relationship will not work with just one person giving, i really hope you get it sorted, you were both so young at the start, no wonder you both made mistakes, good luck, but remember to look after yourself.
14. terry m says:

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    Yeah, try to seduce him every night. If he resists, then just do oral on him. Work up to the big stuff later.
15. Deep Thought says:

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    All of the affairs have taken a toll on the marriage. Try to make a point of reconnecting with him. You’re showing that you care for him and want to have a part in his life. It may be time to sit him down and let all of the bad blood out between you two. Obviously, you both hurt. Now is the time to try to heal it. Acknowledge that stuff has happened on both sides and let him know that you want to heal it.

    And realize that it may take time to heal this. I doubt it will be automatic but all you can do is just keep showing up to make it better at this point. But if he sees it, he might try to make it better too.
16. Kay says:

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    You will always have a love for each other, but ya’ll married too young and the immaturity you both have has directly led to your actions. You both have discraced the sanctity of your vows and that is almost impossible to get back. You need to have an honest converstion. Maybe you should write down what you like about your husband, dislike, and what would you change, and what would have to happen for you both to stay together happily forever and have him do the same. Talk about your honestly answered responses. Staying together for your child will not last the distance.
17. 080794dore says:

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    You answered already for me. Start by doing everything that you wrote in the last 3 lines in the last paragraph. You have to ask him those questions. He probably won’t say what you want to hear. He might even say, he doesn’t want to talk about it, but take control and tell him he has no choice. You were incredibly wrong, but if you admitted it and apologized up and down and he wants to stay together, then he has to accept your apology.

    The one way you could win his heart back is to compliment him now. Tell him things like, how stupid you were because you already have the best man. He is everything you’ve ever wanted. He was always excellent as a husband and father, great in bed, great job, gorgeous, intelligent, etc. This list could go on, but you know what he would love to hear.

    That makes such a difference, especially when their wives cheat, because then they feel like a failure (in bed especially)and cringe at the thought that their wife had to go get it somewhere else. That they weren’t good enough.

    Just give him his strength back. He will feel so much better if you tell him how wonderful he is. I wish you all the luck.
18. snack_daddy10 says:

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    Affairs change marriages and you can never go back.
    You need to just accept each other and go on from there.
19. Oiler says:

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    If you really want it to work, keep at it. He hasn’t asked you to leave, so he must want the marriage to work in the long run as well.

    Keep talking to him about how to move forward. Eventually, he will either move forward or he will come out and say he can’t forgive you.

    This can work, it did for us. It took about 2 years, though. Trust is a delicate item. Now I know he didn his share of abusing that trust, but if you want your marriage to work, you have to forgive as well.
20. maria r says:

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    You need to start to put yourself first than your husband .He might still been hurts for what was happen in the past.He looks like he love you ,but he doesn’t forgive yet . I think he is cheating on you for make you pay what you did to him and it won’t go to anywhere if you guys don’t sit down and talk about the situation. You have to start to commitment again to the relationship otherwise you going to be cheating one and other all the time and remember that you have a child together ,all this isn’t a good environment for her.
    Put yourself together and if you are not happy in the relationship just walk away . No matter what you did in the past you don’t have to suffer your entire life about it. Love yourself more than you love your husband and look up for you and your child what its by the way more important
21. tammynsteve89 says:

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    I kinda agree with "BOOP" Id stop all the extras and just do what you have to.Or actually I’d wait a few days to even clean…and thats hard for me because I like things clean.But show him you mean business.Act like you dont care.If he’s done a lot worse it should be you doing all the forgiving.

    Or get in bed naked and lay up behind him..act like you’re asleep but throw your arms and hands on ‘things’ lol

    btw..how did he find out? If you came clean you should tell him you told him because you were sorry and felt bad about it.If he wouldve never found out…you didnt have to tell him…
22. Sheila B says:

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    Noone is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and if God can forgive you so should everyone else. Have you talked to him and asked him what is wrong? If he can’t tell you then he is the one with the problem. You made a mistake years ago that he knows about and he has made mistakes that you know about. I suggest that you confront him and ask him what is wrong.