I want to stay in my marriage, but how?
I want to stay in my marriage and think it’s the right thing to do, but I just don’t know if and how I can recapture the goodwill I once held for my husband.
We’ve been married for 8 years, together for 11. It was great for many years. I admired my husband for being the kindest, most gentle man I had ever known. But things started to change when we had our first child 4 years ago. My husband desperately wanted kids, and a lot of his self-regard was tied up in the certainty that he would be a good father. I also assumed he’d be a good father. He was always the more patient, less moody one of us, and he really liked children. This sort of balanced out the fact that, of the two of us, I was more assertive and successful at work.
Then our son arrived, and my husband sort of lost his way. He was frustrated by the fact that he couldn’t soothe our colicky baby (and so was I), and for the first year of our son’s life, my husband was sort of absent from our lives, although he was present in the house. He would do his share of non-child-related housework, but he had a really hard time connecting with the baby. Meanwhile, he was defensive, and I began to feel like I couldn’t really talk to him. I grew closer to my friends and more distant from my husband.
Anyway, through all this, my husband became very anxious. I’m certain it was rooted in good intentions: He desperately wanted me to be happy. Gradually, he began to look to me to make all the decisions in our family. Because he’s a good guy, he always made sure he was doing at least half of the "work". But we slowly lost the equality in our marriage, and we stopped being friends. We were more like very good roommates or high school lab partners.
And then, about a year ago, my husband… let’s just say he stopped being *able* to engage in intimate relations with me.
At first, I took it very badly. I accused him of not being attracted to me. I asked him if he was having an affair (he said he wasn’t, and I believe him). Without being graphic, I tried every trick in the book and probably some that weren’t in the book, but it didn’t help.
And despite the fact that I was trying to maintain a good game face during our attempted couplings, it was miserable for me, too. For one thing, I felt like all of my reactions were being scrutinized, which I was. I sent my husband to the doctor to make sure there was nothing medically wrong. There wasn’t. I sent him to a therapist to see if there was anything psychologically wrong. There was — anxiety, although nothing so bad as to require medication. I sent us both to couples counselling — two different counsellors, actually, the second of which is pretty good. So now we have a lot of third parties weighing in on this, but meanwhile, I’m getting more and more frustrated by the fact that I’m the one solving this problem, and that my husband doesn’t seem concerned enough about the deterioration of our relationship to contribute to its rebuilding — other than, as is the typical pattern, doing exactly what I tell him to do.
His therapist and our marriage counsellors all agree that to save the marriage, my husband has to somehow reclaim some of his identity. And maybe he’s doing it, maybe he’s not. I can’t really tell. It’s probably too early. Everyone also agrees that, during this process, I should probably be extra careful to be gentle in any criticisms I have concerning my husband, and I’m in agreement with that.
I really want to stay in the marriage. Or, more precisely, I really want to want to stay in the marriage. But, right now, every impulse I have is telling me to run screaming down the street. Somewhere along the line, I lost any sexual desire for my husband, and now when he tries to touch me — I can’t explain it, it just feel so, so wrong. Meanwhile, God help me, I had a brief sexual affair with another man, mostly just to see if it would clarify things. As you might imagine, it didn’t help. Not only did it not clarify any of my feelings about my marriage, but even though I had no intention of becoming emotionally involved with this other man, being with him — a relatively normal guy who is capable of making life decisions on his own — just exacerbated my bad feelings about my husband. Anyway, that’s over.
I think staying together is the best thing for our family. But how do I do it? Has anyone gone through this? Is it possible to get the love back? Or if not, is it possible to take comfort in other things, like the community provided by our families and mutual friends? Is this a rough patch or is this how it’s always going to be? And how do I resist the urge to run away screaming? Can a person fall back in love?
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Tagged with: 8 years • being friends • colicky baby • decisions • equality • gentle man • good intentions • goodwill • hard time • having an affair • housework • intimate relations • lab partners • marriage • roommates • self regard
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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You say yourself, "It’s probably too early." I agree. And I think your counselor(s) would also agree. Hang in there. You’re in a tough spot right now. Old sayings can be cold comfort, but sometimes it really is darkest before the dawn. Things have become really rough, and you haven’t helped them by cheating on your husband. However, with the counseling and the proactive approach to working on your marriage, you seem to have turned this thing around. It is going to take longer than you’d like to see the fruits of the work you’re doing, but hang in there.
Wow, I am sorry you two are going through this.
My suggestion is a possible trial seperation. He needs to establish his own identity again and you need to feel a bit free of all the burden. Not a permanent one, but just for a little while to get things back to some semblence of normal.
Good luck.
NO falling back into what you never got out of is impossible. your writing this proves you still love him , my guess he still loves you the distance developing quite well is from a lack on both parts of HEARTFELT communication , your desires and his . the love will show the path to choose. but don’t put spending the time together on your child. i got that guilt and it sucks.
Well you have certainly done your work to try to fix this. I am at a loss. I can only think that maybe you need to separate the parenting and spousal responsibilities. First, get him involved as a dad and talk, talk, talk. Once that is taking its course, spend a weekend away without the child and try to get your romantic feelings back. Pamper each other, be very loving and lots of contact…hold hands, pat and rub each other, etc. It is possible but it will take some dedication, which you seem to have. Best of luck ~
Yes you can fall in love again. I think what’s more important is you stay in the marriage because you need to honor your commitments and vows. Don’t destroy your little children lives because he isn’t perfect. You promised through sickness or health, better or worse. Right now is one of those sickness and worse part.
Find out exactly what your husband’s needs are then meet them daily without resentment. Let him know you’re always in his corner and his biggest supporter. Never make him feel less manly because he doesn’t perform as well as he did. Just that alone can do wonders in the bedroom.
Look, there’s nothing better out there then what you have right now.
Use your head and don’t feed off lustful emotions or romantic dreams that are unachievable.
Did you really think cheating on your husband was going to help you stay married?
Anyway – have you ever considered that maybe you guys lost the equality in the marriage cause you just jumped in and did everything? I obviously don’t know you – so don’t take this the wrong way, but from your story it sounds like you became very controlling and took charge. That could have easily contributed to him feeling helpless and depressed and caused his withdrawl from the family and intimacy. If I were you, maybe try and let him contribute, make some choices of his own… let him be a man – it is so important to a man’s ego!
I think you are doing a lot of good things here, and I respect the fact that you are willing to stick it out. He obviously is going through a crisis, and it’s going to be really tough on you. Believe it or not, you might be trying too hard. Your counselors have given some great advice about what your husband needs, and you have to recognize that some of what your husband needs, you can’t provide for him on your own.
However, you can meet some very important needs. I recently read two marriage help books titled "For Men Only" and "For Women Only." In your situation, you could probably read "For Women Only" in a couple of hours, and you will find that you are doing a lot of things right. There will be a few small adjustments you can make, and really, that might be all you need.
Nice thing is, you don’t even have to buy the book. Just go to the local library and see if you can find it there. If not, you can get it used online for pretty cheap. It’s a worthwhile investment into your marriage and your life!
I think that psychologist is right about him reclaiming his identity. Men have this need to feel that they are in control in general. When your son was born, he lost that. He realized that no matter how much he soothed the baby, the baby would still cry. Babies aren’t robots! He internalized this and this idea of lack of control spread to the rest of his life (ie. letting you decide more). As for the sex, if you do not feel attractive (him not being in control), he is going to find it hard to show his attraction to you.
My thing to you is to reassure him when he does make good decisions and choices( often if you can). Show him that he is still "the man" and still attractive through small smiles or kisses out of the blue.
You can gain love back. Your husband has to love himself again first.
I hate cheaters.
"Can a person fall back in love?"
A person can make the DECISION to love, and go from there. There is a group in the U.S. called Retrouvaille. If you spend just one weekend there with your husband, you may find that, despite your affair, you never "fell" out of love with him. Retrouvaille is a volunteer group of couples who care deeply about marriage and family. If you think you’ve done everything you can, there is one more thing you can try before tossing in the towel.