Please anyone help me with my Marriage and my life… REALLY long but I think its worth it.?
Ok this is going to be kinda long so please bare with me..
My husband and I have been having problems for awhile. There were somethings he lied about in the past and we were working through them. Then about 3 months ago he started going out every Saterday with his best friend. ( I work 3rd Thurs-Sat) This Friend named Ant I CAN NOT STAND. : )after 7 month of Marriage he asked my husband how many girls he had slept with scens getting married.) Ok Back to the story.
On Dec, 20 my husband stayed the night at this guys house and cut his phone off so at 7am when I got off of work, I drove there and after about 5 min my husband answers the door. I ask if I can come inside he asks why, I tell him I want to see who is there. He tells me that 4 girls stayed the night as well. I got in my car and left I went home and packed a bag for me and our 2 year old ( mind you I am 2 months Pregnat) I go and Get our little girl from his moms house I go to my parents house and turn off my phone. Soooooo We talk say that we are going to go to counseling blah blah blah.
On new years I have to work so I tell him if he really want to save our marriage then not to go out with Ant. Well at 12:01 I call him and guess who he is with…….Ant.. So I tell him I am done there is no saving our marriage if he can’t respest my wishes ( now if there are any guys reading this he can go out with any of his other friends any time he wants it just this one guy)
OK So I am planing to go talk to a lawyer after the holidays but On Jan 3rd-4th I had a miscarrage and lost the baby.( not because of strees The baby only measured 4 weeks when it should have been 9). So I still have not made it to go see a lawyer.
As of now We are doing 50/50 he comes and gets her on Thurs and has her till Sunday or Monday depending on the week. I told him we could only do 50/50 if he stoped going out every weekend and its only been 1 but he stayed home all weekend so far and has not had someone eles watch her.
OK he want to do the seperation ( we are in NC and have to be seperated 1 year before a devorice) But he want to start going to marriage counselin anyway. He swares up and down he did nothing!!! I am leaning too he did but I will never no the truth… I love him he is my best friend. And above all thing he loves our child so even if we do go through with the devorce He will still have her.
Just want to know if anyone has and advice or thoughts on the best way to handle this and please no He cheated kick him to the curb, If you have ever been married you know its not that simple. Sorry for the book and if the spelling is really bad please remember I am on pain meds. Thanks for reading and any advive well be taken to heart.
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Tagged with: best friend • blah • counseling • girls • holidays • lawyer • little girl • marriage • miscarrage • parents • saterday • scens
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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So sad this Ant person is so selfish, men like Ant can be frightening,because you don’t know the motives behind their actions, instead of really being your husbands best friend they are often more just a leach, What to do depends on you and how much you can tolerate and of course how much you really love your husband, If I really loved him I wouldn’t be rushing into the divorce but I would be separating and keep all communications with him to a minimal so he realizes he may really be losing you maybe he needs a real wake up call and I wouldn’t plan to go back to him until after he attended counseling with you. hugs to you,you actually sound a very strong and resilient person who I don’t think would have problems managing alone, what ever your choice I just wish you happiness and love .best of luck
I advise that you get counseling before getting back with him. Did he cheat….from what you described, he probably did. In order for your marriage to work, you need to know the truth and deal with that accordingly. The fact that you were pregnant while he was doing this is just horrid. If he did nothing, why were there 4 girls? That sounds like a lot of "something" to me.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and I am sure that is very difficult for you and him. Please see a counselor about that as well. Take care of YOU first then your child then your marriage.
Please check out Joyce Meyer Ministry. She has some great advice on living life with it’s difficulties.
I think you’re in the right track – separating and getting counseling.
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage! see how the counseling goes. After all this, I’m sure you’ll know what to do. Best wishes to you!
Ohhhh, honey
I was with my husband for 9 years, we were very young, had 2 babies together. I KNOW how you feel, I really do. He’s your best friend, you feel like you have this special bond that nobody else in the world has together, and you guys have been through so much and have so much history, and despite what he does to you, you still love him with all of your heart. I know, I’ve been through the same thing.
I caught him cheating on me 2 weeks after we got married. It CRUSHED me. I was literally sick to my stomach for days. We fought, I lost a little bit of trust, he swore it wouldn’t happen again. I caught him 3 months later on Easter Sunday in a hotel with another girl. Same thing happened. I puked, we fought, he begged, I believed. This went on for 2 years until I’d finally had enough. I had such low self esteem, I didn’t think I deserved better.
Men are either cheaters, or they aren’t. There IS no in between. I know you don’t want to hear it, but he will not change, and you will give yourself heartache over and over. Nobody can tell you what you should do, but you know exactly what you’re going to get if you stay. And when everyone tells you that time heals all wounds, it’s true. I promise. That was 4 years ago and now I’m with a gorgeous man who loves my kids, and I love him so much more than I EVER did my husband. Because I TRUST him. Trust and respect are the main ingredients of a relationship. And when you get your self esteem up higher, you will see that. I’m sorry for the loss of your baby, stay strong.
My advice to you is to keep on living separately and attend marriage counseling. You are doing the right thing by trying to save your marriage. In the long run, it is best for you, your husband and your little girl to work things out. I am very sorry for everything you have had to go through. You sound like a very strong and sweet young lady.
Well like you said dear – there is no real answer to this problem –
you either need straight answers and get out your BS detector and decide if this man who you claim is your best friend is LYING or NOT? sadly you cant make demands what kind of friends people keep – they either give them up freely but they usually dont give them up for people even spouses –
you said you have had other problems so if you have no proof he cheated – is there more to the story that broke the camels back why you moved out and wanted a divorce/seperation?
I mean if he didnt cheat and you say he is your best friend – shouldnt you want to work it out?
but you need to put love and feelings aside for like 10 minutes if thats possible and decide if this guy is completely full of it and only telling you what you want to hear or NOT?
I mean he needs to take your feelings into account to – if he didnt cheat maybe ok – fine – but you cant constantly keep creating a pattern of the appearance that your up to no good if your REALLY not misbehaving – he needs to get this through his thick head if you two are to have any shot at lasting success!!!!!!!!
Id say listen to your heart , but that can be painful – listening to your head is usually the safer way to go, times like this theres usually a voice in your head that whispers – this is or is not meant to be…….
I wish you luck:)
You obviously love him but he is not doing right by you and I know first hand how it feels when a man is not doing right by you and you love him to death. I see people at Maury shows say a woman is stupid for staying when her heart is not ready to walk away yet. They are not stupid. Anyway, I think you should go to counseling even if you believed he did something. It may or may not help but you have nothing to lose. It’s not only you two involved but your daughter and yes he’ll still be there if you guys separate or divorce but a child grows up better with both parents at home for the most part. Give it a little bit more time and see what the outcome is. Maybe you may get over his past and your doubts maybe you won’t but just go. Your not ready to leave him yet. A woman has to be pushed over the edge in my opinion until she can really leave. Your not quite at the edge yet. But when you are, you will leave and NEVER look back. So he may keep pushing you or bring you back. That’s how I look at it. Women have tolerance for men they love. Okay let me stop rambling. I’m sorry about the miscarriage and I hope you guys work it out.
I feel your pain. Its very hard when you know the person you love and trust, has cheated on you. You have been going through a lot but you sure sound courageous. Since you are still in love with him, he loves your child and he wants to go to counseling, I would suggest you give him another chance. Even he continues this erratic behavior after the counseling than kick him out for real.
I don’t know if my story would be helpful to you. I have been married for 35 years, About 20 yrs ago I found out that my husband cheated on me with my best friend and his best friend’s wife. These things took place early in our marriage. Once when I was so much in love and trusted him, another one, when I was away from him. As I had two very young children, inexperienced in the US without any job and guidance, and because he was remorseful, I decided to forgive and forget. But after 17 yrs from that time, he started another affair which I jut found out. This time I can’t take anymore.
In your husband’s case, its one night fling, and he is remorseful and wants to go to counseling which means he wants to work hard to keep the relationship. Considering everything, you can give him another chance but keep your eyes open. Its very hard to reestablish the love and trust after one cheats. Good luck to you.
I would suspect that he did something. It was easy for him to ignore your request to not bother with Ant again, because he probably didn’t believe you when you said you would leave before.
And now? Reality is smacking him in the face and he’s panicked….so, now all of a sudden….he says he never did anything.
This is WORSE than if he were to simply admit: yes, I cheated. I’m sorry, can we start over?
For him to stand before you and tell you …. after all you witnessed for yourself and your own gut feeling…..that nothing happened….
A married man with a child does not have innocent slumber parties with a friend and a bunch of women ….yeah, right.
Ant has shown you that he doesn’t respect you or your marriage, and your husband hangs out with that type of person? = you are who you hang out with. if you are a healthy minded, mature married male or female, you will not choose cheaters for friends who ask you about having sex with others while you are married. …..
Your husband is scared of reality now. The ball is in your court and he has lost his. = he will now tell you anything to keep you docile and at home so he can keep his married life and have his jolly life (cause, honey, if he hasn’t had the guts to come clean now….what do you think is in store for you if you stay with a guy like him? = more lies)
I say go on with your divorce and get your new life in order. You and your little girl deserve WAY better than to be treated like excess baggage.
He needs time…the rest of his life…to grow up and mature enough to realize that he has no right to treat his marriage like it’s just a piece of paper and his family like they don’t matter as much as his buddy Ant does.
I’d let him go to Ant and let them be happy bachelors together.
I had a friend who’s husband cheated on her repeatedly. She remained in denial for several miserable years until finally she decided she had enough. It was when one of his co-workers called her to tell her that he’s been seeing so-and-so and so-and-so….and….
She has since divorced and has found a wonderful man who treats her like the good person she is.
Like her, you’ll find someone in time, who will give you the respect you deserve.
You sound like a very level-headed person who wants to weigh her options before making a commitment of stay or go, and that is good that you’re not flying off the handle toward either direction.
But I think you’re on a sinking ship with this guy, and if you stay, he’ll only pull you under. Are you willing to give him more time and more years of your life at this point? Even when he’s clearly lying to your face? Or are you going to go ahead and take the step toward the next chapter in your life?
Guess it’s obvious where my opinion is, huh? I just can’t stomach lying cheats who ruin their marriage because they’re not secure enough in themselves or mature enough or man enough to own up to the responsibilities they accepted when they put on a wedding ring and said, I do.
Good Luck. I truly wish you well.
It’s sounds sad, complicated, rush decision etc. how about you two just take the separation and take some time to think through it. Not saving marriage nor divorce. Just to sit and think everything. May be six months or more. I think you should honestly do that before rushing into divorce. If he has not done anything, then i think u won’t divorce. If he has, then what would u do? Divorce? if yes, then take some time. If no, then also take some time. I also think you should let him know that, that is what you want to do now as you are not able to think straight and you are hurt.
hope u get thru this soon. take care…we can only take care of things which is in ‘our’ hand. not in anyone else. And even then we can do mistakes as well, as we are just human.
Left this kind of irresponssible,trustless man and start new life. Forget this like a nightmare.
You made vows to stick it out through thick and thin. From the sound of it he probably did cheat. And has been very selfish and rebellious. A marriage is supposed to be about two people making compromises. However, your marriage, although not at a good place right now, is still worth saving. Marriage counseling would do you both wonders- not to mention, you have to think about your daughter.You got married, you took the vows, you said forever and ever- so try to work it out.
Right now, you have to decide whats best for you and your daughter ( because in divorce, youll be awarded custody of her). You needto decide if you two are better off with or without him and then go from there. Sure it probably wont be easy but its better than going thru what you are now. You will be awarded child support and possibly spousal support too. So if he has decided his friends are more important than you and cant be totally honest with you,then maybe its time to move on and restart your life again. You dont need nor deserve someone like him. Marriage counseling might help here but I sense that he really doesnt want it so it would only prolong the inevitable. Cut your losses and move on and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Good luck
Go to counselling. You’re right in trying your best to save your marriage. Give it your best shot because you have a kid and its worth saving.
You need to look at the marriage and decide if it’s worth fixing. That means you have to forgive your husband and forget about it. It does take work. Trust me on that one. My husband and I had a very rough patch about 5 years ago. We separated for a short period of time and he begged me to see a counselor. It really does work if you put your whole heart into it. I carried a lott of guilt about a child we had lost and after 4 years of guilt could no longer handle seeing him everyday. He reminded me of the baby we had lost and the time we had spent in the hospital. Thecounselorr helped us get past that. We now have 2 more wonderful children together and are happy. I had to look past the fact that I was far from my family and goingthrought the worst experience of my life with only him by my side. You have to make the decision about your marriage. If he is asking you to go tocounselingg, he may have figured out that you are worth more than the friendship. That should count for something. If you do see acounselorr you need to lay it all out on the table. Don’t hide anything. Let the person helping you to put your marriage back together see everything. Hopefully your husband will do the same. I’m sorry about the baby, I know the feeling of losing a child. There is none like it. Don’t make matters worse by losing your best friend and family at the same time.
Sound like he cheating on you need to leave along and go on.
First, He does not know what he wants. He wants to be single and he wants his family too. He wants you to be quiet, when he goes out and cheat. You must not stand for that. Love yourself more than you love him. If he respects you and abides life as you two had planned from the beginning…then give it another try…if not..DROP HIM LIKE HE IS HOT… because men who cheat don’t always use protection and you don’t want to get caught up in a disease…just loving your husband. Protect yourself and give him enough room to fail.