Is my marriage worth saving and if so can it be saved?
Is it worth saving? If so, do you think we can make it? Here is the situation. My wife and I have been married for nine years and together for a total of 12 years. We have a beautiful 5 year old son together. Our marriage from the beginning has been kind of rocky. We’ve fought over many issues in our marriage many of these have gone on for years and to this day we still continue to fight over them; for example, household chores. My wife is really messy and lazy when it comes to helping around the house. This is something that I noticed even when we started dating but I just thought it was something that she would grow out of as we got older (we met in college). I learned this isn’t the case. Throughout our marriage I’ve done almost 85% of the chores in the house. This includes the so called male jobs as well as the cooking, washing dishes, washing and folding clothes, paying the bills, filling out the X-mas cards, etc, etc. I’ve asked her many times throughout the years for help and she would just ignore my requests. I don’t think she meant to do it but subconsciously she just didn’t do anything and get back to watching TV or reading her books/magazines. We’ve gotten in some big arguments (tons of yelling and name calling from both of us as well as throwing items) about this issue throughout the years to the point where it seems I resent her. In addition to her cleanliness, my wife is constantly late to appointments (affects me and my son), can’t multi-task (hence why I do all the housework), and must be reminded to constantly clean up after herself (picking up her clothes off floor, turning off lights, fans, etc.). Believe me I’m not perfect but after so many years of arguing over some of these issues I guess I started to resent her to the point where my feeling for her started going away. In addition to this resentment, we have the worst sex life. In fact, we haven’t had sex in probably 2 years (I guess resentment on my end and I’m not sure on her side). We’ve tried a few times in this period but we always end up not being able to go forward. I’m actually kind of “weirded” out by the whole experience anyway. In fact, our sex life hasn’t been good in quite awhile. So this has been my life the last few years. We’ve both have thrown the “D” word several times in the years but have always done so in a heated argument so maybe my wife never felt like I meant it. Anyway, I’ve been out of the house for about a month in an “unofficial” separation. I told her back in July that I didn’t love her anymore and that my feelings for her changed so she asked me to leave the house. Here is the kicker—part of the reason why I finally took the step and told my wife how I feel is I met a women who I’ve been communicating on an emotionally level with since May. We are professional acquaintances but we both have expressed interests in one another and could see us dating if circumstances were different. We didn’t do anything physically but have acknowledged that there is physical attraction on both ends. To make a sincere effort on trying to save my marriage I’ve since broke contact with this women. It was hard but I know it is the right thing to do. In regards to my marriage we’ve tried counseling but so far it hasn’t really been much help. The counselor has given me suggestions on how to forgive my wife for not listening and helping me these last few years and ways to communicate better. The big problem is I’m not sure if my feeling can return back for her. When I think of why I want to stay the reasons tend to point back to holding on for my son. Also I find myself wanting to be single again. Believe me I have no desire to be “pimping” out there like some gigolo but I just want to meet someone who I may be more compatible with. I use to think my wife and I were had so much in common. I guess over the years this has changed. It seems like we have become more and more opposite. Please help. I’m open to any comments and suggestions. THX and sorry for the long story.
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Tagged with: appointments • cleanliness • clothes • household chores • housework • jobs • magazines • marriage • nine years • resentment • sex life • washing dishes • watching tv • x mas cards
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Wow – role reversal – I have heard this from hundreds of women.
Somehow, i am guessing her list of gripes about you include incessant nagging, never want to have sex, and being too focused on the home and kid rather than on her.
In any case – I think the solution would be to stop everything – neither of you have anything to lose since the marriage is at stake – oh – and leave other women out of it – that’s not going to help anything.
Anyway – stop everything. You have already left. Leave your emotions and resentment behind you. You may want to be single again? So be single and keep the marriage (without the other women part) – try it out. Get back into your hobbies, friends and family – much like a single person would (you are already used to not having sex.) Treat your wife as a friend again. We don’t get mad at our friends for mundane things as we do our spouse. Let her be – her life is hers if she wants to be lazy or messy – who cares – let her deal with that – especially since you aren’t living there.
Once the resentment is gone – and you are friends again – there isn’t much to get upset about. You do you for a while. Good luck man.
Life is short, do what makes you happy other than being taken for granite
Well it sounds as though your answer is in your question "I find myself wanting to be single again", obviously you’ve done all that you can and you just aren’t getting to that happy spot. Staying with someone on account of a child is not a good idea, the child only suffers in the end. You seem as though you’ve been a good husband and father, this marriage just isn’t going to work out. All the best to you and yours.
Are you saying that your wife’s sloppiness caused you to be resentful, and that caused you to lose interest in sex? I think that’s dumb on your part. Who cares if she’s messy, as long as she’ll have sex?
I was in a similar situation except for the sex. I stayed with her for 24 years. It never got better. I am with a new wife now and we are happy. Move on.
I am sure her version of things is different, but to go off your side only, I am wondering, why exactly are you considering "saving" something that doesn’t seem to exist?
She doesn’t sound as if she contributes to your life in any way. You don’t sound as if you have any common interests or shared good times. You do all the work on your own. You don’t even have sex and haven’t for over 2 years. What is there to save, honestly?
Your son will be better off seeing his father in a truly satisfying relationship then miserable. You will never lose your son. If you get a divorce that means you will have a chance to either make your own life and be at peace and have less work! And you also will have a chance to find love, real love.
Although your wife married you, I must say, it doesn’t sound as if she has any love for you at all. You also say you lost that feeling for her a long while ago and can’t get it back.
Don’t be afraid to move forward in life. It sounds like you should move on from this relationship and at least you tried sincerely.
It sounds like you have nothing worth saving. Sorry.
Once you start to resent the other person, for what ever reasons, its hard to get those "loving "feelings back.
Sounds like you need to move on and be happy.
Life is TOO SHORT to be miserable:)
You did the right thing by cutting off contact with the work friend. Because that will further cloud/complicate/confuse things between the way you are viewing your relationshp with your wife.
You have already tried counseling and talking to her, so that is good. What is her take on everything? Does she still want to be with you?
I do not doubt you have lost some "loving" feelings for her and I know for a fact that for some people, once it starts to drain, it’s extremely hard, if not impossible, to get it back.
If you feel your relationship is beyond repair and you truly do not love your wife any longer and think you’d both be better off apart, then you know what to do.
Don’t have your child growing up in an environment where mommy and daddy simply tolerate eachother, not love eachother.
Good luck, either way.
All I read was the first sentence. If you’re asking if something’s worth saving, that means you don’t have your heart in it.
You should break up, divorce, whatever.