What can I do now to save marriage with bipolar spouse?
My husband’s family believes he was fine until he met me, and I am starting to believe it as well and I cannot live with myself if I did. It wasn’t until a friend of his got involved that his family began to doubt me and now they have convinced him he doesn’t want anything to do with me. The only people he has left in his immediate family are his brothers and uncle neither live here. I am in nursing school and understand the disease process but did not know he was bipolar until a recent diagnosis so we argued.Now I know what he has and he is very delusional and has been ordered to commitment up to ninety days. Everyone is against me, his doctors never talked to me, I had medical power of attorney and he revoked it verbally while in the hospital. Theses doctors didn’t put him on Lithium until last week almost a month after I had pleaded with them to do so. They had him taking 800mg of seroquel once a day and cymbalta and ambien.I did some research and when his brother talked to the doctor they realized their mistake and changed his meds and the dosage from 800 to 300.Then they finally listened to me about putting him on Lithium. Of course his friends have convince him the problem is not that he has bipolar but our marriage. Yes, we have had our share of problems but looking back on things maybe it was because I was disagreeing with him during a manic phase where I know I cannot win that argument. Or before I knew he was bipolar maybe it was because I saw him spending everything he had on drums, ebay etc. What I want to know is from someone who has gone through this what can I do other than hire an attorney and fight like hell for him or leave. I want to save this and will take on the daily tasks of caring for him but I feel it is too late because he will not talk to me and his family blames me. I tried to get guardianship over him but after his "friend" got involved they sent emails to my attorney saying I was out to get him. I guess the errot with the meds, paying all of his bills, and not running away don’t count for anything. They actually think it is stress and the sad part is, since he is taking his meds in the hospital, and staying away from me, the medication is beginning to work…and they attribute his recovery with me not being there…What do I do? Thank you
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Tagged with: ambien • bipolar • cymbalta • diagnosis • doctors • drums • ebay • hell • immediate family • lithium • manic phase • marriage • medical power of attorney • meds • mistake • ninety days • nursing school • power of attorney • seroquel • theses
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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I have bipolar disorder myself, and know my thinking can get kinda wacky at times (although never bad enough that I was committed).
If these meds of his are working, he should be back to normal, more or less. And in any case, an episode usually only lasts a few months, then the person naturally is back to normal. So when that happens, hopefully he will see that his family has been manipulating him. Shame on them for intruding themselves into your marriage – that is a no no unless there is abuse going on. Hopefully, he is susceptible to this manipulation only because he has been impaired. If he is still willing to let them into your marriage when he improves, then I don’t see a lot of hope there.
Bipolar usually comes on in a person’s teens or 20’s, and often gets worse as they get older. So it is usually just a coincidence about all these events that may be going on in the teens and 20’s – that is when the disorder is ready to come out anyhow.
If he doesn’t want the marriage anymore, there is nothing you can do even if a big part of the problem is his illness. But clearly there are serious boundary issues with his family that I doubt have much to do with the bipolar. His family is supposed to keep out of his marriage, and if they try to butt in, he’s supposed to tell them (politely) to mind their own business. Even when I am really impaired, in the hospital, I would see my family was way out of line.
Good luck to you – I hope that with proper meds he will be able to see what is happening.
You have your hands FULL.
I’m bipolar and treated my husband pretty badly. It does not look like you will look good no matter what you do. You are going to be the bad person. You can fight all you want, they will fight too.
Do what you feel is right in your heart. If you truly love him and want him, then do what you need to do. Maybe get advice from an attorney. Think about it though. You hire an attorney, fight for him, his "friend" might convince him that he should resent you. Hate you. You have to get this person way out of his life. All this could back fire. BUT then again, maybe the attorney could help.
When I was in the hospital one time, I met someone on the inside. We began to exchange emails. Then I felt I had a friend who was on my side and not family. That "friend" was starting to become between me and my mom and husband and I almost lost my marriage. My new friend was not really a friend after all. I was fortunate to have my husband pull me to my senses.
I don’t know how, but this person needs to go. He is causing a dangerous environment for your husband.
I feel for you. I can tell you care and love him so much. Do what you feel is best.
Long-distance analysis is always \"iffy,\" but you may be in a no-win situation unless uasage and correct dosage, and receives competent counseling. You will also obviously have to overcome his family\’s attitude towards you. A steep, uphill climb to be sure. However, you should keep in mind that your spouse\’s illness is unrelated to his marriage to you in any way; at most, the interactions between you two – through no fault of yours – may bring to the surface the problems already simmering within him. If you wish to gain an in-depth understanding of bipolar disorder by reading a fact-based account, take a look at my recently released biographical novel, Broken Saint. Its foundation is my forty-year friendship with a bipolar man, and chronicles his internal and external struggles as he battles for stability and acceptance (of himself and by others). More information is available at http://www.eloquentbooks.com/BrokenSaint.html.
Mark Zamen, author