Confused, hurt & upset?
my hubby of 18 years has been having an affair with another man, I found out about it and he says it’s over now but he says he does nto love me anymore and does not know if he wants to stay with me. He won’t go for help or will talk to me about it but is talking to a pal who has just split from her partner of 4 years. I can forgive him and still love him but how can I work this through without smothering him? I think he is suffering from depression and he tried to commit suicide last week although I think this was a cry for help but he won’t let me help him and won’t talk about it, how can I save our marriage and our love if he keeps pushing me away? He says he’s felt empty and dead inside for a long time now but never told me, would he have told me if I hadn’t found out? Should I have stayed quiet to see if it died out on its own? I’m heart-broken and feeling sick to the pit of my stomach with worry, can’t talk to anyone else as it would hurt them to see this pain we’re going throug
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Tagged with: 18 years • hadn • having an affair • hubby • long time • marriage • stomach • suffering from depression • suicide • worry
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Insist he get some individual counseling and joint counseling also with you. He has problems. He needs professional help! At least he has started to admit he has some major problems, that is a start.
No, you don’t need to stay quiet. Staying quiet about an ongoing affair looks like you either don’t care, or you condone the behavior. You need to let him know that you love him and that you are willing to support him in rebuilding, BUT, what hurts you and what you can and cannot live with. Make your needs known also. Draw your boundaries and make your requirements known.
Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html
Separation is never easy. It hurts worse than anything.
You will not be yourself for a very long time, but I want you to concentrate on finding peace, for your own well being.
You have to be selfish in this time, so that you can watch over yourself, because your emotions, psyche, and state of mind will be in complete disarray and chaos.
Think back on the good times you both had, and concentrate on remembering them. This will help you move on. Don’t blame yourself because someone else made several mistakes.
He chose not to involve you in his feelings of being empty inside, and that was his choice, and now you both are reaping the consequences of that choice.
If he is pushing you away and does not want to reconcile then there is nothing you can do to get back to the way things were before. You have to find a way to move on.
It wont be easy, but you are a strong person, and I know you can get through it.
sorry for what you are going through, but if he does not want to stay with you then let him go,
Now you know about this you should just try and make him smile, if that is how he feels, make him feel the way he did when you first fell in love, then his happiness will probably gradually return.
Hun, you can forgive, love and hope all you want but your hubby" smokes til he chokes".ain’t no helpin that shit.
If he is actually gay, then don’t take it personally, and be a supportive friend. He can’t be a supportive husband if he has come out.
You can forgive, but get out. And, against your wishes, you need to talk to a professional person.
There is nothing you can do to save your husband from what he is going through. He needs to get help for himself. The best things you can offer are understanding and support. But he will need to seek medical/emotional help for himself. Good luck I can understand how much this must hurt you to see him going through this and having your life turned upside down. Remember…do something to take care of YOURSELF today.
Yuck! I’m sorry for your pain and his suffering but it sounds like he is making the transition and coming out of the closet. I doubt if there is much hope for your marriage, especially if he isn’t willing to put for any effort to save it. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear but I think your marriage is probably over.
You both need a mediator, someone who isn’t attached to both of you, a counselor/psychologist. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you for some reason, and I have a feeling he cut himself off from you a few years ago. He’s unsure about himself, what he wants, etc, and the depression about the whole situation isn’t helping. Convince him to go with you to counseling, even if you are both in different sessions with the same psychiatrist. If he won’t listen to you have the pal talk to him
he probably doesn’t know how to talk to you, and is sad/angry/hurt/upset about the whole situation 
I would be glad to help, although I’m no psychologist I do work well with talking with people. Message me if you like
Everyone here needs help. Get him psychological assistance asap. even against his wishes. he sexual conduct exposes a side of him that you may ponder if you want to continue this marriage. i would hardly expect that to change
welll you DO need to talk to someone because bottling it up inside is really bad for your health and emotions. You need to find a reputable counselor and go by yourself and discuss this with them. They will not only listen but will give you options on coping etc.As for your husband, Just encourage him and be a friend as much as you can without smothering him, at least he is talking to a friend about this. If someone falls out of love with you you obviously cannot force them to love you and you really need to seek the advice of a professional who will equip you with somesortof coping mechanisms.. Good luck and God be with you
i believe it is better for you leave away this issue a while, your hubby should deal with his problem himself firstly, because it is his problem and should be solved by himself.
make a excuse to have a short vacation outside, leave you hubby alone, but be careful, not too long, and you should inform him your back date priorly.
Time to stand up for yourself. You are the one invested in this marriage; he is not. You have to assert yourself – to him – in no uncertain terms. This is going to be weird for you, isn’t it? But there it is.
Say to him, "No more talking to your pal about our situation. If you have anything on your mind, say it to me or to our joint counselor."
The way you are going now, you’ve let the person with the problem be in charge of the solution. That’s like the inmates running the asylum.
You have to be in charge. Tell him to stop whining and get on with the marriage.
Stand up for yourself and "smother" the living hell out of him. Remind him that suicide is not as difficult as he made it appear, and that, from now on, he has to be where you can know what he’s up to.
If he can’t do things in a sane, rational, manner and be as dedicated to your marriage as you are, you need to move on and find someone more worthy of your devotion.
Take charge. Get support for yourself, but definitely take charge.
-Smiles-
You cannot save him.. That is the first thing you need to realize, no matter how hard you try you cannot save him.. He will do as he wishes regardless of you..
You didn’t cause this.. That’s the second thing you need to realize.. No ONE made him cheat, No one made him hurt you, No one makes him hurt himself other that HIM! and NOTHING you can do will change that.. as I said before..
I would say.. walk away.. You shouldn’t get dragged down into that mess, when you didn’t make the choice to be there.. You didn’t get married so that someone could hurt you or themselves over what they have done to you.. YOU are so much better than all of that!! be strong.. be wonderful, be beautiful and lovely just as you are!
sweetie stop and think for a second this MAN your HUSBAND has been having SEX with another man. if you would not have said anything to him about this affair he would have continue and he wasnt feeling to dead inside than but now that you know he feels this way. give me a break this man is definitely confused and he needs to seek some professional help, but he also need to face the fact that he is gay and is married and in the real world you cant have both. you need to seek some professional help also because you need to figure out why you would want to stay married to a man that is attracted to men. and has had an affair on you. only the Lord and him knows how many times. sweetie at this point its not about saving the marriage. he has told you that he is no longer in love with you so respect that truth from him and move on. you cant make him love you. apparently he never really loved you because he was gay than but married you to cover up his true feelings. so just learn to accept the facts about him and move on. its going to be hard especially since he is not talking to you about anything. that alone shows just how much he cares about you and your feelings. usually when a man gets caught cheating he will sit down and answer all of the wife questions to sort of put her at ease and just trying to come clean about the affair, but he is not. and you may never know why so you have to be to know that you may never know but his cheating and lying had nothing to do with you. this mess is all about him and him only. GodBless
As hard as it seems you need to cut yourself off from him and file for divorce. Someone who truly loves you would not cheat on you. It sounds like he wants to move on anyway.
That is a very difficult situation. Sweetie, it is time to seek professional help. Don’t try to talk your way through it with him, especially if he’s not responding. Finding out that your husband has been having an affair with another man is devastating. Give him time to work through his feelings. In the meantime, talk with a trusted relative or family friend. It is all about you now. Make an appointment with your doctor and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Begin to live without him. This is not anything that should be ignored. You can forgive him, but do not continue to live with a man that has made a sound decision to hurt you. God Bless You!
Can you talk to the pal? If so, see if you can find out how he feels thru the friend. Maybe the pal can give you some insight into what is going on with him, that he doesn’t share with you. Sorry you are going thru this, but you need to consider yourself, you also need to be happy! Does he say he loves you? If it was me I would let it go for awhile to see if things change. If he loves and cares about you he will want you back. If not , you are better off without him! You deserve to be happy too. Good luck, I hope it goes the way you want. You didn’t say if you have kids, but if you do, this is something else to consider.
Your husband feels guilty and ashamed, he has been living a lie. You need to tell him that you love him no matter what sexual orientation he is, you need to tell him that he is free to feel and should live how he wants to live and love life because life is a gift. Sometimes to love someone is to let them go. You need to forgive him, accept him for who he is and let him go, marriage is more than love. Be strong.
It’s not fair to you that he’s frauded you for so many years, so I do understand your heart-broken feelings. Like many homosexuals, they fear public scrutiny to the extent in which they would prefer frauding women into marrying them rather than disclosing their true feelings. Your husband didn’t just "become" gay last week and he knows that. I believe that your husband told you the truth when he said he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you. He’s not even able to communicate and has to get emotional assurances from another woman. His depression is probably predominantly due from living with a woman he frauded and never truly loved. He knows he’s not getting anything from the marriage–not sex–not emotional support–not communication and now, not a sense of public acceptance. So what exactly is there left for him? It’s probably in your best interest as well as his to divorce him. At least this way, he may be able to live a life of honesty being gay rather than continue to live of life of deceit. It’s also in your best interest to live with a man who’s not gay.
u need to think of yourself right now, as u can’t help him, unless he wants the help. he clearly is saying he doesn’t love u anymore, face it, and don’t try to change it.