I am desperate to save my marriage, My 5 year old son needs both Mommy and Daddy?
I live in Japan. My wife and I have always had communication problems. We fight a lot. From my perspective she is either in passive aggressive mode or simply aggressive mode most of the time. The odd thing is while she is hostile and uncompromising to me she has completely different things to say about me and her hopes when she talks about me to her mother.
We both thought we needed a break so we agreed she would take my child and visit her mother for a month. I tried to just not communicate and let things cool off and succeeded for a couple of weeks but when I called and tried to talk to her or my son she kept brushing me off even in the shortest conversations. This blew up into yet another fight over the phone after which she told me she would return to start divorce proceedings. After she came back I tried to let her cool off and made serious efforts to deal with my temper which in her view was the problem. I also tried to engage her in some actual dialog but the only thing she would talk about is divorce.
The thing is I also was in conversation with her mother who insisted that my wife was interested in repairing the marriage and that I could not take what she said at face value. No matter what I tried my wife simply would not engage in any kind of constructive conversation, and would only talk about divorce or separation.
Desperate to do anything to get her to cool off I agreed that she and my boy should go back and spend some more time with her mother. She liked that but said she wanted to go the next day. I did not know how long it would be until I could see my son again so I asked her to give me a couple of days with him so I could say good by and take him to disney land. I thought it was a reasonable request but she said "no". Impasse. The following day, she disappeared with him. After a week and a day she contacted her mother and we now know she has been in a shelter for abused women. I was not abusing her. We were not even raising our voices at each other. It seems she just wanted to deny me, the guy who is buying her plane tickets to be with her mother, a couple of days with our son.
In all our conversations she acknowledges that I am a great dad and I am, I get him up in the morning dress him feed him and take him to the bus stop, I also put him to bed most nights. In action I have been as much a mother to him, especially over the last two or three years than she has. So she keeps saying she wants us to raise our boy together, but her idea of "together" is she takes him to live in another town 500 miles away and I can see him when I can both take time off work and raise the plane fare. Plane fare is not cheap in japan and I am not a rich man, so that is simply a totally dishonest idea or an insane misrepresentation of what is practical.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage because I love my boy more than anything in the world and I want him to have a mamma and a papa. I also want to repair the relationship with my wife but simply cannot get her to engage.
I have never felt so hopelessly depressed in my life.
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Tagged with: abused women • communication problems • conversations • couple of days • dialog • different things • disney • disney land • divorce proceedings • face value • impasse • japan • marriage • perspective • temper
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Hi,
I don’t know what happen to your wife that she becomes what she is today, and I’m sad to see another family broken up especially when there are children involved.
I hope what i’m going to share with you will help your wife to come back to you and i’m going to teach you a psychological trick.
It’s very simple, stop calling her or meet her for 1 month.
ok, you might say "Are you crazy?"
No, I’m not! i teach this trick to many couples and most of
them got back their spouse without begging or losing their mind.
During the 1 month without your wife, you are suppose to live
life at your best. Start going out with your friends and do activities
which you done before your marriage.
You need to show to your wife that you can live a better life
without her and this will make her feels she losing something and
before she knew it, she will want to come back to you.
Of course, you need to have a strategy in place and execute it
step by step, otherwise you will lose your wife for good.
why is she so mad at you? there must be some reason why- find out & fix it. if she wont tell you, ask her mother why she is so mad at you…
I think you have expressed quite clearly the situation many divorced men are left in. All I can say is your not alone and it could be worse, much worse.
Many women use divorce and children as a means of revenge on there ex.(hell hath no fury)
I feel for you, try to keep you chin up. Many men when faced with the loss of their family due to no fault of there own become depressed and the already high rate of male suicide doubles after divorce.
Unless your wife is just plain mental, there is more to this story. You need to have someone else sit in on the dialog between you and your wife to see if the situation can be put into perspective. You both have to want to make it work. Can her mother act as a mediator?
right now you and your wife don’t need to be together. your relationship is very unhealthy and if your son is 5 he is very aware of what is going on. i don’t really understand why you want to be with her right now. she seems pretty selfish and vendictive. because who would take their child to a shelter when it was not needed?
there is no rule that says if you get divorced that she has to have custody. so start the divorce and ask for custody of your son. or joint custody at the very least. then she can’t move to another country. it doesn’t sound like she is emotionally stable right now anyway, and it may be better if your son is with you. and kids don’t "need" a mom and dad if they are in an unhealthy relationship. and he would still have both parents you just wouldn’t live together.
so before she takes off again you need to get some kind of custody order. write down the things she says, the times she refuses to let you see your son, write down everything so that she can’t try to lie about you if you do end up getting divorced.
sorry to ask, but have you considered that she may be cheating on you?
she sounds like a horrible woman and you need to move on from her.
I know that you love your son, however you cant go on like this, can you?
See your son whenever possible, keep trying to call and talk to him and send him letters. Hopefully either she will come around, or if she doesnt then when he is old enough hopefully he will come looking for you.
good luck
This situation needs to get a therapist involved like yesterday! It sounds like she’s being passive aggressive, especially that she tells her mother one thing and you another! Also from what you say it sounds like you’re being too accommodating in her wishes, she might be looking for a more aggressive reaction from you to show her you really love HER and that it’s not just that you want your son to have both parents. If your marriage is important, and she’s important than get counseling fast. Or there’s always the possibility that she may be having some kind of emotional breakdown. Good Luck
I wouldn’t want to save anything like this.
Oh my goodness! That has to be the worst feeling in the world. There was a really good movie that came out in 2008 called Fireproof with a really good actor named Kirk Cameron. The movie is talking about your exact situation! I really think you should watch that movie! I heard that there is a book that can come with that movie too. You will know what book I’m talking bout when you see that movie! I hope the best of luck to you and I really hope everything works out for your little boy! I also pray that God gives you strength in this hard time in your life. Just remember, "if god brings you to it, he will help you through it"!
a little give and take. i bet what you are fighting over is not worth the time of day. or maybe you don’t even know why you are fighting.
i just let my wife from kyoto have her way 90% of the times and everything was ok. stop fighting. its not good for your son. you don’t want his life to be hell. even if you don’t raise your voice, he knows when mom and dad are pissed at each other. likely, he is thinking he is the problem.
did you forget her birthday or any anniversaries, do you buy her flowers sometimes, do you show affection sometimes? when you are going to nail it does not count.
from your perspective, make believe you have just met her. invite her out on a date, buy her flowers, treat like a new hot thing.
don’t look at everything through a microscope. treat her really special and nail it often. when you nail it, let her have the way she wants it. no argument.