Why won’t my wife trust me? Will she ever again? Is there anything I can do to make her more secure?
Looking at my wife, you would say she is a 10 out of 10. Nearly every guy we pass makes eyes at her, and so on. There is one thing holding her back. She feels her womanly parts are unattractive. She has felt like this her whole life. It makes her so insecure that if someone she feels is good looking is comes across the television for one second she looks at me to see if I am looking. I do not "check out other women." I am much in love with my wife and think she is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. I have told her that her body is very beautiful all over (and I am being honest). It boggles my mind that she does not think so but I know I have no control over how she views herself. I guess I just want to make her feel beautiful. Telling her does not do it, and the ways that I have tried to show her do not seem to work either. She hides it during sex, and has only let me see it twice. She had an incident when she was younger, and I think that plays a large role of her feeling insecure. We have been married almost a year and have been together for three years.
To add fuel to the fire I made a HUGE mistake. She really enjoys sex a lot. Ideally, I think she wants to have it once a day. A few months ago, I tried to make myself be able to last longer at sex by "servicing myself" when I could so that when we had sex I wouldn’t finish so fast. A few times I looked at porn, and randomly one day she asked if I had ever watched porn. I was open and honest and told her a few times and I told her why. I said that if it didn’t make her comfortable I would not do it anymore. She said she didn’t care as long as I’m happy. A few days later I did not delete my internet history and she saw what I was looking at. She did not see what it was, she just saw it was porn and she flipped. She got so mad at me and said she wasn’t enough and was very upset. I said (honestly) it was a rare thing and she said it was ok, and I only did it to last longer. I apologized again and again and she says she forgives me but will never forget it and feels like I almost cheated on her and that I used other women to "get-off". She has lost almost all trust in me because of this. She thinks I am looking at other girls sexually all of the time. She does not want to even bring her friends around because she thinks I will be looking at them. She says I pay more attention to women than I do men when we have guests over. She is convinced all I do is look at their boobs, but this is not true at all. I look and talk to their faces and I looked at their boobs it was not on purpose and I was not checking someone out sexually. It seems like she wants me to only pay attention to the men and only talk to them or focus all my attention on them. Regardless, she feels that I cheated on her and she said that she could easily cheat on me, too. The fact the I looked at another girl to "get-off" was cheating, and she has lost her trust in me.
I am in deep and I feel so bad. Now we have next to no sex and I know its my fault. She says she doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with me anymore now. I screwed up big time and I admit it. And I’m truly sorry about it. I have apologized again and again but her point is that I cheated on her and if she cheated on me I would not trust her or want to forgive her. She bring this up every once in a while and it makes me upset. She says that I need to be a strong person, too. It is like she does not want me to be completely happy because I screwed up but she does not want me to be sad about it. I am at such a loss I do not know what to do. Could I try and talk to her best friend for some advice? Is there anything I can do? I just want to make her happy again.
I asked if we could go to counseling and she is totally 100% against it. There is no compromise here. I think the reason she does not want to go is because she does not want someone telling her what’s wrong with her. I can accept that I am not perfect I would do anything to try and make myself better.
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Filed under: How To Get Her Back
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Your wife’s insecurities sound very severe. I think she needs to seek professional help. Would she go if you went with her? Let her know how serious you see this issue. Tell her you want her to be happy and you will do anything to make her happy, even go to counseling. If that doesnt work I would think about talking to her best friend or someone in her family. That however might really make her mad, then again she might be more willing to listen to someone on the outside that she trusts. If she continues to absolutely refuse I would suggest you go to counseling alone for advice on what you can do. If things continue this way both of you will be very unhappy and it will take its toll on your marriage in the long run.
Sounds to me as if your wife has self esteem issues. If she doesn’t want to talk to someone you can’t make her, so you need to tell her that she is putting a strain on you with her self esteem and trust issues. Tell her she needs to try and fix it. At least that is what I would tell my husband.
Wow ! It sounds like your wife is the one who needs counseling. She has some serious issues with self esteem. You really need to try and communicate with her and keep recommending counseling. You could always go individually.
She is very insecure. Tell her you will divorce her if she doesn’t straighten up and act right. You are acting like a wimp. She needs a strong man who appreciates her.
Tell her you are going to counseling with or without her. You need to find out how to help her trust you and you can’t do it alone. It is not like you had sex with someone she needs to get over it. Tell her the reason you don’t last very long in bed is because you are so turned on and excited by her.
Dude!
You did not screw up and this is NOT your fault!
My god, she is totally whacked in the head.
This poor woman needs some serious counseling, not only with you but some major counseling on her own too.
She has extremely low self confidence.
I sure hope she gets help soon, because you are going to grow tired of all her hang ups and then you will either cheat on her or divorce her.
Good Luck to both of you,
like everyone is telling you here, she does suffer from some low self esteem. i dont see how she can be "ok" with you watching porn, then freak out on you if she found it in the computer. you did tell her you would stop if she dosnt like it, but she insisted that you can do what you want. sounds to me like she is not just turned off by her own self, but she is using every step you make to keep on being down on herself. you have showed that you are a devoted husband, but i dont see what else she is asking for. i will tell you, you can be as devoted as you are, but there will come a day will you will get sick of catering to her low self esteem. you have done everything right.. suggested couseling which she wont do.. seems she want to live like this. you dont have to live like this ya know. you will get tired of it i am sure of it. if you want, just go to counseling by yourself and when she see’s you going acouple times, she might come around and say she wants to try it out. lastly, it looks like you are trying and doing all the giving and she is not putting her fair share into it.
I think you may well be correct in thinking your wife doesn’t want to get involved with counseling because she believes it will involve a third party telling her that she is wrong and you are right. Of course, that’s not how counseling really works, but what you say about her makes me think that she’s extremely insecure.
I’m not sure I believe you when you say you were looking at porn in order to last longer with her. The concept of masturbating before sex in order to delay orgasm is a sound one, but why did you need to look at online porn? If your wife is indeed all that you say she is, why wasn’t fantasizing about her enough for you?
Having said that, I do not accept that this is all your fault. It sounds to me like either there was a serious failure of communication when you first discussed looking at porn, that she was less than honest with you about her feelings or that she really had no idea what her feelings on the subject were.
You say that she feels that you "cheated on her" by masturbating to porn. I wonder how you would feel if she had done the same? Speaking for myself, it wouldn’t bother me a huge amount since I’m certain about my relationship with my partner and secure in my knowledge that we are both satisfied with the sexual side of our relationship. The dynamic in your relationship with your wife is clearly very different.
You say that you have apologized repeatedly and, while she claims that she has forgiven you, she clearly remains angry and hurt by how she has interpreted your actions. Given that, I’m not sure I’d believe that she has truly forgiven you. Not that I think that makes much difference, really.
I do wonder if she’s not using the porn incident and the fact that you actually talk to other women as an excuse to distance herself from you sexually. If she was sexually abused when a child, as you imply early in your question, I would not find it surprising if she feels very conflicted about having sex with you. She may well love you deeply, but it sounds like there are barriers in her mind which she cannot overcome.
You ask how you can make her feel more secure. The short answer is that you cannot. Only she has the power to allow herself to feel more secure about your relationship and more comfortable with her body. Nor is there anything you can do to make her happy again if she does not wish to be happy. If you love her, you will respect her feelings and be as patient as you can, but you cannot force her to respect you, to trust you, to honor your relationship or to like her own body.
You also ask if you should talk to her best friend about these issues. Given all you say, I think this would be a very unwise. In one way, it makes perfect sense for you to seek the advice of someone who knows your wife well, but I assume the friend is a woman and it’s clear your wife has great difficulties believing you are innocent of any wrong-doing (or even wrong-thinking) when you talk to other women. Second, she already has trust issues so you telling her friend about things that most people would consider very private would, I suspect, not be welcomed at all.
I think you are absolutely right to suggest counseling. You cannot force her to go if she does not want to, but there is nothing to stop you from going on your own. It won’t take you nearly as far as might be possible if the two of you sat down with an experienced counselor and discussed the tensions in your marriage, but you could find it helpful to gain a different perspective and some guidance on how to make sure you’re doing all in your power to make your marriage work.
I wish you luck.
Wow, your wife seems very insecure.. you seem like a very nice guy.