Need help with life after infedelity
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. For the first 3 and a half we were on and off and everywhere inbetween just because we were young, naive, and unsure of what we wanted. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first love, first to take my virginity, first of literally everything. I have always felt a deep love and a gut feeling towards this man. During the times we weren’t together, just considered "sex buddies", it didn’t matter how great of another person I had found to date I dumped that person immediatley just to have a one night with my ex. I took every opportunity to be with him.
Towards the end of those 3 and a half years, both of us were going down a horrible path. Him with his drinking and drugs, and me dating several men at once and doing adult modeling. We realized at the end of those 3 and a half years where we were headed was a dead end and we needed to get our stuff together and we did. We jumped back into a serious relationship and helped each other turn our lives around. Over the last 2 and a half years we’ve hit a couple small bumps in the road but we’ve easily overcome them and it’s made us nothing but stronger. We love each other very much, we’re each other’s best friends, we both know our world would come crashing down without each other. We’ve been planning our future, saving up money to buy a house together outside the state, planning on marriage someday (when the time is right), and growing old together.
About 3 weeks ago, he did the unthinkable. He cheated on me. I shocked me, it shocked him, anyone who hears the story and knows my boyfriend well would be in complete shock. He payed a prostitute to meet him in the middle of the night for oral sex. Thankfully he used a condom the entire time. And thankfully it wasn’t someone he knew where something like this could turn into a love triangle. He told me a week later what he did, how incredibly sorry he was, how sick he was that he did it, he couldn’t explain his actions, he couldn’t believe he went against his morals, religion, everything he’s about. He couldn’t believe he could do something so horrible to the woman he loves the most.
Some would tell me to leave him. Some would tell me to seperate for awhile. I decided to tell him I’d work it out with him. We’ve come so far and gone through so much. I told him the bare thought of being without him hurt 100x worse than accepting that went behind my back to shove his dick in another woman’s mouth.
He keeps telling me I deserve better but I refuse to believe it. During those 3 and a half years when we weren’t together I found another boyfriend. Before that man asked me out I thought "what if my ex comes back? I guess I can dump this guy and go running back to my ex cuz he’s what I really want". 3 months into that relationship, my ex did come back. Breaking up with this dude was no easy task. He was very controlling, very minipulative and I felt I was being guilt tripped and forced to stay. So I cheated on him with my ex…. 11 times in those last 5 months with that man. I almost feel I deserved this like karma is kicking me square in the butt. It was very wrong for me to cheat and even though the guy treated me like crap, didn’t justify my actions.
Do I trust my lover? Absolutely not. That part is shattered. I spent a whole week asking questions. I wanted to know the whole story. I wanted to know all possible reasons that could have lead to him to cheat. He also has a problem with instant gratification, he wants it now and we’re also working on that. I told him trust takes nothing but reassurance and time. Forgiveness will not happen in a day or a week or even a year. Takes time. He has to learn patience. I hate to pull the leash so tight and lock him in the dog house but it’s not my fault he got there. Even if it’s something I had done or didn’t do, it’s his fault for not communicating that to me before this happened. So, I made him get tested. Condom or not, there are possibilities of disease. His porn is trashed, deleted, and banned for a long while. His jerking off every day, every night has to come to a stop. A possibility of him cheating could have been a sex addition, a porn addiction, boredom (he’s unemployed right now) and I will do everything in my power to make sure we cure those possibilities. I email him throughout the day everyday, I want to know what he’s up to. We don’t live together which is hard for me to monitor his every move but I do see him almost every night for a few hours after my work, and all day through every weekend. I do question him a lot and exect answers. I tell him he MUST tell me everything no matter if he thinks it’ll hurt me. It’s best out than kept in. If he’s not satisfied in the relationship for some reason or another he MUST tell me so we can fix it so he can be satisfied again. Communication is vital in our relationship if he wants this relationship to last. I’ve been asking A LOT of questions and he’s been good with answers. I told him if he is unfaithful one more time, I DO NOT tolerate a man who constantly cheats. I deserve a man better than that. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I spoil my man rotton and have. I cook from scratch for him often, sew up his torn and broken jeans, I take him out to amusement parks and other fun activities and shower him with gifts for his bday, our anniversary, xmas, and valentines. He spoils me too, just differently (he pays for all of our weekly fun like all dinners and movies and stuff). I give him massages and backscratches. I help him go fishing, I help him re-load his guns when he goes to practice his shooting (like a shooting range). I do everything in my power to be the most perfect girlfriend for him. I read up on sex, sexual techniques, and pay attention to his likes and dislikes so he can be sexually satisfied always. I listen to him. I understand him.
He’s been good so far and is definately changing for the better. We’ve been talking more, he’s coming up to my work to take me to lunch once a week, he’s being more active instead of sitting on his butt being bored. He’s been telling me how much he truely loves me, how truely sorry he is for screwing up. He’s been doing a lot more to please me. He even put a promise ring on my finger, promising to never leave me, to never cheat on me ever ever ever again, and to be the best man he can for me. I like it and all and I think it’s very sweet of him… i just hate knowing how it got there, what hurdle we had to jump over for the ring to appear on my left ring finger.
I guess what I’m looking for in response is am I doing the right thing? Is working through this, both him and I praying over the situation and bettering ourselves, and me keeping him on a tight leash in the dog house is the right thing? What would you have done if the man you’ve been loving for 6 years stuck his dick in a prostitute’s mouth?
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Tagged with: 6 years • adult • best friends • buddies • condom • drinking and drugs • first kiss • first love • gut feeling • half years • love triangle • marriage • money to buy a house • Opportunity • oral sex • Path • prostitute • serious relationship • shock • unthinkable • virginity
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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you sound like a wonderful woman. You have put up with alot with this guy. He is an addict of some kind from what you said about doing drugs and drinking in the past. Using a prostitue, watching porn also sounds like sex addiction. You have him figured out and unconditionally love this man. Thank god he isnt abusive. You also take care of him financially and in many other ways (best friends). Your boyfriend has this type of personality that is addictive and self-gratification comes along with it. I admire that he told you about what he did b/c most guys woulndt say anything. For him to come to tell you that b/c he felt guilty is wonderful and honest. I would probably forgive him too b/c i think its worse whensomeone lies about it and thinks they wont get caught. But he was honst and told you the truth. However at the same time, he cheated. Luckily it was just a blowjob but its still a form of cheating. It also made you feel ugly and betrayed and that perhaps you arent good enough for him sexually. I know this b/c i had someone cheat on me once and he loved me dearly. I also did all the questioning and felt very insecure after that and didnt feel attractive (even though ive been told that im cute). So i understand where you are coming from. You truly love this man and have put up with so much. I think you can overcome this and give him anohter chance. If he does it again, then i would probably go for counseling or take a break from each other. Sometimes running away from teh problem doesnt solve anything…especially in your case…you love this man. Im also wondering if perhaps you are codependent? Dont take offense to this but sometimes people are codependent and need to feel needed by that person so we do everything for them. This is codependency. Often you see this type of behaviour when someone is from a family that a parent is an alcoholic or drug addict. They learn to take care of the parent or become the parent even though they are the child. So when you grow up, you are attracted to somoene who needs to be taken care of b/c of alcholol or drugs or arent working, etc…Anyhow, i think you are a wonderful woman to forgive him alot and take care of him. He is very lucky and knows it. That is probably why he told you.
sorry you are going through a hard time but do you really expect people to read that?
I think u r having enough spare time or u r in serious relationship trouble. My sincere advice is that u should not always be moved by obsessions and sometime go by futuristic approach. Having sex or spending time together is one story and getting into a relationship is something other.Relationships brings duties also with rights , now if u r an indian i dont think this will be ur choise but if english, i amunaware about ur culture and social acceptance, u have to be ready to digest the consequesne of divorce in future. Nice to read about u so frankly?
oh my. i wanna help but i am too lazy to read. =X
is this the prologue to your book?