How to do I get my husband to love me again?
We have been married almost 17 yrs, we have three children together. He hates the way I have handled the finances , ( He will not even attempt to pay the bills) and says he just dosen’t know if he loves me anymore. He said he dosen’t want to make love to me now because he says, "Your too fat", I have gained weight. I am diabetic and my medications have caused me to gain a lot of weight. I do work out three times a week. He gets mad if i mention finishing my degree and refuses to talk to me. I do not know what to do. I am losing my self esteem and feel unloved and unwanted.
I didn’t mention he is working in Iraq. He suggested that I get financial counceling. I asked him to speak with them also, so that we would be working on this together. I also asked him to speak on the phone with a marriage councelor and he said " I don’t need any help"."When you take care of the financial problems everything will be fine". He also told me he was only 6 lbs over weight…He is detached, and has been not interested in sex. I have ask him and get tired of being told no..8 times a year isn’t enough. Thank you all for your answers and advice. You are wonderful for taking time to answer my question.
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Tagged with: Counceling • Diabetic • iraq • love • marriage • marriage councelor • medications • self esteem • taking time • three times • unloved • working in iraq
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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My advice to you is that you and your husband have a sit down discussion about the direction things are going in the marriage. Be sure this is uninterrupted. You need to have a frank conversation and ask him if he wants to save his marriage and then work out a plan. This is a two way street. It is not just about what you can do to get your husband to love you again.
You have been married for 17 years. Unless your marriage was pure h*ll for all those years, then something must have been working. The feelings for each other may still be there but right now they are buried deep beneath the surface. It is not impossible to unearth them and bring them into the sunshine again.
Consider revisiting what you used to enjoy doing together. [It is difficult making suggestions because I do not know what you have already tried]
What you both need to realize is that there were many things you both used to enjoy doing together before the children came along. Then for years your lives revolved around the kids. They are now older. I am assuming you had them early in the marriage.
Married couples fall into routines which can be mundane and can actually be suffocating. Explore with your husband things you can do again that you once did together and that make you both feel good about yourselves and about each other. Bring out the old wedding album and picture album and take a ‘memory lane’ trip some evening.
Quality time is more important than quantity time. Many couples forget this.
If the weight gain is because of the medications this is beyond your control and your husband needs to understand that. It may be an idea to talk with your physician and either have him talk with your husband as a couple or write your husband a letter. I’m sure the weight gain is not by choice.
While your husband may prefer that you are slimmer when it comes to making love with you, your appearance is not the glue that holds a marriage together. And it certainly is not sex. There are deeper issues here and they need to be explored and some poor communication habits have to be broken.
When it comes to finances you said your husband hates the way you have handled them. Finances and how they are handled can be a huge stressor on any relationship. Both of you have to sit down and work out a budget plan that works for both of you. It should not be a case of one takes care of paying the bills while the other passively sits back and criticizes.
Though it is hurtful for him to say he is not sure he loves you any more I am not surprised he has made such a comment. This is generally a defence but regarless, it is an inappropriate thing to say.
What is important is that you do not take ownership for his feelings. It is not that you are less lovable. It is that he has issues that are unresolved and that are running interference. Consider the possibility that he is involved with someone else. I am not implying that he may be but it is important that you rule this possibility out.
You both need to examine what the stressors are that are contributing to the estrangement, an estrangement which is beginning to become abusive. Comments that he has made about your appearance are a form of emotional abuse because they are intended to hurt.
I do not know if your relationship is beyond restoration or if it can be rekindled but working at it is a far better option than going your separate ways.
The fact that you want to know how you can get your husband to love you again shows genuine character about the kind of wife you are and I applaud you for that. It shows that you want to make changes where possible. However, your husband must want the same as well.
I would strongly urge the both of you to seek 3rd party intervention. There are some very good marriage counsellors out there that are worth every penny.
A good counselor can help bring to the surface issues that neither of you may even be aware of. The counselor can help both of you develop good communication strategies that will help you communicate your feelings better especially during times of stress.
Your husband must be willing to accept that you are both in marital crisis and he must want to save the marriage and be willing to seek counseling with you. If he does not then you will have to re-evaluate how much longer you wish to remain in an abusive relationship because in my opinion unless the issues are identified and what is at the root of these issues things will continue to deteriorate. And if he is not in relationship with someone at this time he may well consider one. I wish you all the very best.
perform sex activities with him.
you have 3 children, its not like you’ve never done it.
My advise to you is that you don’t need to put up with that. You don’t need to do anything for anyone but yourself. I recommend that you watch that movie by Tyler Perry "Why did I get married".
Nope, don’t touch him. Get your degree, and get out. It won’t get any better.
you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel that way because of a man. you deserve much better. personally though, i think this is something you guys should work out together. maybe go see a counselor together, and try to work out your marriage. good luck, i hope all works out for you
& if it doesn’t and he doesn’t start to appreciate you, you should find a man who does!
If he doesn’t love you because you can’t handle the finances and have gained weight due to an illness….he is an idiot. Don’t let him make you feel unwanted and unloved. Go get your degree and tell him kiss off. You deserve better.
Have you tried to talk to him? If not, maybe that or counseling- I have had therapy before and it helps tremendously with self esteem. If neither of those work, give him his space and shrug it off. I know it’s hard but sometimes you have to protect yourself. Good luck!
Rule 98
Article 102- section 41b = be calm
1. keep working out
2. wear sexy lingerie
3. ignore him
4. demanding
5. apply less pressure on him
6. different routine than the usually ( try go to the supermarket @ night by yourself, wear kind of sexy clothes)
7. Take your time
8. when asks just give answer that keeps his mind wonders…
Try that first!
I am so sorry. Not to be blunt, but your husband sounds like an ass. You need to kick him to the curb. I know it gets complicated when you throw kids into the middle of things, but you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Seventeen years is a long time, but obviously he doesn’t care. In my opinion it’s better to be single than to be in a relationship that is meaningless to your partner. Don’t be afraid to cut the strings, stand up for yourself. Good luck. I really wish the best for you.
He’s fallen out of love with you because you make excuses for your poor choices and lack of responsibility and lack of assertiveness.
You need to be your own, complete, competent person to fully participate in a marriage.
You need to regain the "spark" that was there when you were first dating; get away for a weekend, away from the same environment, kids, bills, etc; preferably somewhere romantic and romance him…get something "interesting" in lingerie and or things (hint hint) that will be different and exciting; then once a month, at least, go on a "date" with each other and meet at a coffee shop or similar…
Life is a series of hello’s and goodbye’s. It is time for a goodbye. He just isn’t into you anymore, and I know it must hurt but that is just the way it is. Men, not all but most are visual creatures. An overweight woman, regardless of how it came about isn’t an attractive site for most guys.
Think Megan Fox, Jessica Biel and Angelina Jolie, those girls are very attractive to most men. Now think about all the overweight sexy women, oh, wait there aren’t any. Get my point.
Don’t let him bring you down. And if you want to finish your degree, then do it! That’ll be a great thing for you to fall back on if the marriage doesn’t work out. Tell him if he complains about the finances again, then he should do them and see if he can handle them better. Ask him why he married you..you wouldn’t just marry someone and stay with them after 17 years and three kids if there wasn’t more than just a physical attraction. It sounds like something deeper..
Seems like you are in trouble.. You have every reason to feel insecure, and suffer from low self esteem. While you seem to be working towards making your marriage work it is also important to guard your self respect and your individuality. Believe in yourself first. Yeah if you think there are areas where you have not been really efficient then try to put things in order – not to please him but so that you can feel that you can do things.. Secondly start liking yourself, respecting yourself, and taking care of yourself – its always the only thing that works – dont depend on him for this as you say he has already said he doesnt know if he loves you anymore. So if anything happens to you he is not really going to help you out or be there for you. (What I mean to say is be prepared – may be he will but dont expect). This is towards making you stronger to stand on your feet.
As for finishing your degree do you need to discuss this with him too? Today you have distance education, correspondence education etc which are not expensive at all. Secondly what are you planning with your degree? Is there something which is more effective considering your skills which you have developed over the years or the number of opportunities available today.
You say you are diabetic – this can also be psycosomatic and you could react to your situation. So take a hold of yourself. Feel good about who you are – get your accolades from your children for being a good mom.. It helps to boost you – rather than feeling low about not being able to reach out to your husband. It does matter but what cannot be helped has to be endured.
ENDURE TO A POINT AND WHEN YOU FEEL STRONGER AND YOU CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE THEN YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO..
There are ways of losing weight by warm oil massage & using electrothermal devices. Regular use of garlic & vinegars in foods too reduce weight. For getting back love ,you have to maintain yourself attractive, sweet & soft. There are reliable herbal treatments of diabetes in few doses only, I’ve talked about the sam in this forum but I forgot. Search to get if you can.