Last year my husband cheated on me. We went to counseling to work things out. He wanted me to do a few thing?
He wanted me to stop using credit cards and start paying them off. I stopped using them and have paid off some of them already. He wanted me to get my caps replaced and we agreed that I could save the money since I didn’t have dental insurance and didn’t want another monthly bill. I have saved money and am almost there. I have a 21 year old bipolar son. He has never gotten along with him and they have gotten into fights. He wanted me to get him on his feet. I told him that I would need time to do this because I would have to get my finances in control to be able to help my son out. The counselor told him that with the way my son is he would need financial help from me. My husband agreed. The counselor asked him how long I could have and he said 1 year. The counselor asked him what if it takes 2 years and he said that is okay I love her that much. The counselor said what if it never happens and he said that is okay I love her that much. He wants my son to get a drivers license. I have started letting him drive my car and will be getting him driving lessons. I wanted him to express his feelings to me more often. He is the kind of man that is always there for everyone else but he shuts me out. He came to me a month ago and said that he can’t live with my son and it was either him or my son. (We have 2 small children together.) I got rattled and thought here we go again he is going to leave. So I filed for a divorce to start financial protection for myself and our children. He changed his tune and I haven’t gone ahead with the divorce. Last night he comes to me and says that we are not compatible, we don’t have a marriage, we don’t know how to communicate to each other and nothing has changed. I’ve worked on everything that he wanted done and I still come last to him. I’m so lost. It sounds like he is asking for a divorce but when I come straight out and ask him he says how can I just walk away? Any insight?
I should add that my son does pay rent, has a job, buys his own medicine, pays for his nurses and doctors appointments. And he has psychofrenia affective disorder but I didn’t know how to spell it so I just put bipolar.
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Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Explained to me by a psychologist there are different kinds of bipolar disorder: Most common is moods swings very high (happy) to suddenly very low (near suicidal), there is medication for this disorder that seems to work pretty well.
What I’m getting at here is it sounds like you are enabling and letting your son come before your marriage. There are many people with bipolar disorder that function better than some without it. At 21 your son should be out on his own. If I was in your husbands shoes I too would feel betrayed and would become shut in. I wouldn’t want to leave my marriage because I love my mate, but I would be trying to convince myself every day that I should leave to find peace. I can see how your husband is trying to find everything about you that he doesn’t care for because he might be trying to find every reason to leave (convincing himself). But Hon, you can turn this around easily IF you are willing to take care of the problem.
Course as I say there are different kinds of bipolar disorder, but I have never heard of any that is crippling and or causing one to be unable to function if treated.
Let’s say you help your son financially to get out and on his own two feet, then what? He is always going to be in your pocket because he knows you will be there to help him. This too will annoy your husband if he is already annoyed about your use of the credit cards. Cut the umbilical cord Hon. I know it’s hard, I honestly understand, but it’s the best thing for your son and in the long run for you and your family that needs you too. You said you have two other children and a husband right, they have to feel left out by you.
It sounds like whatever choice you make, t fight for your marriage or divorce you will be hurting your husband for it does not sound as though he wants to break up his family =(
Best of wishes to you Hon sincerely!
he’s right, that’s not a marriage. he’s using you, killing your mind, and your pocket.
time YOU file.
huh? you’re husband cheated on you and you had to do all the changes? doesn’t really make sense.. maybe you’re better off
Sorry to hear this.
It’s not fair that he’s throwing out these big statements that he can’t be with you and etc. Of course it’s going to make you mad, especially if you did the counselling with him and worked to improve your half of the relationship.
Ask him straight up, what the deal is. It’s not fair to string you along and then say he can’t leave but he’s unhappy.
Your husband just posted a message on here the other day. He got a lot of messages that were not so good. I suggest to you leave him. Also go to counseling again because you both are on here posting questions about the same thing.
He’s unhappy. But he doesn’t really know why or how to express it.
HE is the one with the communication problem. Instead of working on the marital issues, he screwed another woman. Then, he gave you a list of things YOU had to change (isn’t he half of the equation?) and when you made the changes he found a new excuse to not be happy.
The only advice I have is to continue counselling.
And your son is well old enough to live as an independent adult. Bi-polarism is treatable, and does not prevent him from getting a job, controlling his emotions, driving, etc. I wonder if you’ve sheltered him too much from the world and your husband is frustrated that you are treating an adult like a child..
he does like your son and he is only with you because he knows the divorce is going to cost him and that will interfere with him cheating on you because he won’t be able to afford to take his other women out!!!
Have you ever heard someone say,
" ITS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER!!!"
that is what he is doing!! just get a divorce and get it over with your marriage has been over with anyway!!!!
Husband is quite nuts! He is a crazy-maker of the first order. Lose him. You will indeed be happier and more at ease. Husband has personality disoders and emotional problems.
Leave him.
You son needs to live on his own and needs to learn to cope with his condition.
Get him in therapy, get him on meds, get him a social worker, and get him out of the house.
You are NOT helping him by continuing to allow him to live as a child.
This could be over and done with in 30 days if you wanted it to be.
At an absolute minimum he should be paying rent, ~$300/mn.
You have to be your own person in order for him to know you.
You need to make "demands" from him as well, except you shouldn’t be making demands of each other at all.
Negotiate for change. He wants X, you ask for Y.
Keep working on it until you have something you can both be *happy* about not merely live with.
He doesn’t /want/ to leave you, but he is thoroughly unhappy with the life you have together and can’t tolerate it anymore.
If you really forgave him your husband must come first, not your son.
Many bipolar people lead their own lives, my 24 y.o. son is autistic, he has his own driver’s license, does voluntary work and into sports plus very involved in church.
What I am saying is you have to encourage independence.
Also, maybe your capped teeth are really unsightly in his opinion.
Don’t live your life according to some counselor.
You guys need to get into a solid bible preaching church, talk to a pastor. You have 2 small children, are they going to grow up in a broken home and possibly end up with personality disorders too?
These words sound harsh but I am trying to make you see that marriage is a commitment, you don’t walk out because of feelings.
It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize his major hang-up is your 21 year old bipolar son. It’s not an easy situation for someone to live with, especially if this boy is from a previous marriage.
Obviously the way you wrote it makes him appear selfish (and all his fault) but given his nature (being a poor communicator) it seems like he allowed a lot to build up in his marriage (financial irresponsibility + 18+ year old bipolar kid + someone that wasn’t taking care of herself) and than he acted out inappropriately (further damaging the marriage).
Don’t ask him if he wants a divorce. Why would you even do that? Look at the situation: He cheated on you, but somehow you had to do all the changing to save the relationship. And what’s up with his problem about your teeth?!? He sounds harsh, judgmental and anything but supportive.
Take care of your kids – all of them, even the 21 year old – file for a divorce and move on. Who cares what Mr. Judgmental wants?