My therapist says that my abusive husband really doesn’t mean what he says. What do you think?

37 Comments

1. grannyhuh says:

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   Get yourself and your kids the hell out of there. Go to your mom’s, get on your feet as you mentioned, and get another therapist…this one sounds like a quack! I was in a similar situation with an emotional/verbal/physical abuser and they do not change. You do not need to live like this and neither do your children.

   It doesn’t matter if he means what he says or not. The point is he’s saying it, are you going to be able to erase your memory and forget about it? Are your kids? They may not understand it now, but they can feel the tension, unhappiness and rage in the home.

   You just remember that you are NOT worthless, you are NOT stupid or ignorant. You have two beautiful children and you owe it to them and to yourself to be happy and away from this freak.

   Don’t let him into your head and don’t you start believing his garbage. He’s insecure and obviously not ready for any type of relationship–husband or father.

   You have a wonderful life waiting for you away from people like him. Get out there and grab it! Click on my pic to get my e-mail and contact me if you feel like talking.

   Best of luck to you honey. You deserve so much better than him.
2. just_me_1955 says:

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   get another therapist
3. ajboxx04 says:

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   you know the answer and you are right, leave him
4. importabuzer says:

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   Simple hun, get out of there if thats how you feel. I didnt even finish reading your question because I think the therapist is trying to get her money.
5. Karen B says:

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   He’s a creep. If he cannot change, which is sounds like he does not want to – I would leave.
6. southern_comforts2000 says:

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   I can’t believe anyone would tell you to work it out. I say if you have the presence of mind to know you need to leave then leave. Most women stay because they think its a part of being loved. Everyone deserves to be happy and if you aren’t then everyday you stay you are denying yourself your right to be happy.
7. boo says:

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   i would be outta there.
8. Blunt Honesty says:

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   If you are going to therapy only to find someone else that agrees with you, you are going for the wrong reasons. If you want to attempt to fix the problem, therapy is a good option. If you don’t want to attempt to fix the problem, therapy isn’t the way to go. Just leave if you really don’t want to be there and don’t think that he will change his ways. Usually they will not change, by the way. I think you should leave him.
9. crazy tigger says:

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   leave, therapists are not always right
10. ke ke says:

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    i know that it might be hard but sweety it’s time to let him go, he can’t love you and harm you at the same time
11. connie says:

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    get a new husband its not goring to get no better let her deal with him and see how it fills to be treated like that
12. alfawolfette10 says:

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    OMG – file and get a new therapist that centers on the needs of a woman. The type of abuse he’s committed won’t stop. Your therapist is a nut job.

    To confirm your feelings, try reading some books by Patricia Evans, esp. the Verbally Abusive Relationship! I highly recommend it. The guy does not deserve you, you need to gain some self-esteem and move on, even if it’s difficult. Just be safe.

    http://www.verbalabuse.com/Books.shtml
13. t433_sd says:

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    Oh my god. I think you should divorce your husband…and your therapist! Nobody should stay in a relationship like that, for ANY reason, and your kids will be much better off in a safe, healthy environment. Take action now! For the welfare of yourself and your children.
14. MELISSA says:

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    Don’t stay 2gether for the kids it will make it harder on them to see and hear that all the time. Do what u think is right if hes abusive leave be smart!!!! Think of ur kids once hes all done with u and u have nothing left he might start to become abusive to ur children. Please do the right thing for ur children. U will be the mother of the year to leave ur husband!! The kids might not see it now but they will and they will be so grateful!
15. viva_bamm says:

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    GET OUT!!!! You do NOT want your children exposed to that behavior. They’ll be more screwed up in the long run if you stay with him. I have two cousins (12 and 14) who were products of an abusive relationship. My aunt waited too long to leave the man she was with, and now my counsins have serious behavioral and other problems. Please get out of that marriage. He is ruining you, and he’ll ruin your kids. It’s not worth the heartache and pain and emotional and mental abuse to stay with him. That therapist is a nut job.
16. adeli a says:

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    try to go a different therapist and leave
17. rkilburn410 says:

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    therapist or no therapist if you are in fear of your life get out now. therapists are not always right, and do not forget her ego is involved here as if you leave she might feel she has failed. so you do what you think is best as you will have to live with the consequences, not your therapist
18. Courtney says:

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    Your therapist sounds like an idiot! You should leave and leave fast. If he is abusive to you then he will be abusive to your kids. If your therapist gets you to believe it can work then you will continue to pay her dumb ass. Leave sweetie do what is right for you and what is best for your children.
19. DrPhilamina says:

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    Therapist is off her rocker, report her to whatever professional association monitors therapists in your state.

    You need to leave. If your mom’s is the place to go, then start going. And I would strongly suggest you seek counseling on your own, preferably with someone who specializes in women’s or feminist approach therapy.

    When I was 17, I saw a psychiatrist for depression, and I remember her telling me that it was my fault that I had been raped because if I kissed a man and got him aroused then I should be prepared to sleep with him, or else I’m just a tease! Nice huh?

    I just wanted to add, the fact that you are in therapy is probably making the therapist think that you want to work things out, or else why would you be there? Couples therapists are not there to say "Honey, you need to leave, this will never work" They are paid to help people work out there issues no matter what they are. They figure that no matter how angry people seem or say they are, they must want to salvage the relationship if they are coming to couseling.
20. yagurlbubblez says:

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    You need to get out of this relationship. I know you heard about the women who had the husband put her on fire, in baltimore city right???

    This woman went to the judge and said that she wanted a restraining order and wanted a divorce becuz he was abusive. They played the entire tape of fox45 news and the judge totally ignored her and told her to get out of his office.

    The next day she was at tmobile, she worked there and her husband ran inside with some gasoline and threw it on her. Then, he through the lit match on her. She was in the hospital for about 6-12 mos, getting surgerys on her burns. She was on the news a few weeks ago and she doesnt even look like herself anymore, she was so beautiful and an abusive husband did this to her. Get out now, or this will be you.

    You need to do this for yourself and especially your children, he will eventually do the same thing to your kids. Your kids dont need to see this, becuz if they do, they will treat their kids like this, or get treated like this by a spouse and settle for it like you are doing right now.

    F U C K that therapist, she doesnt care about your safety at all, never let no one tell you about what you already know. They are just blinding your judgement and putting theirs in there. They arent the ones getting hit and choked.
21. piraterachel says:

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    If you feel it is best for you to leave, please do it. Therapists are often very helpful, but just as often they are troubled people too who were drawn to their profession in order to better understand themselves. My father’s ex-wife was such a person, and she really screwed with my dad’s head, then left him for a patient of hers. So, you have to be careful not to let your therapist dictate the path of your life. Just pick the nuggets of wisdom out that apply to you in a way that feels right. Be strong, and be true to yourself. Good luck
22. Teeny says:

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    You have put way too much money into this therapist. Do not allow this person to make your life choices for you! Be strong, Stand up for yourself & get the hell OUT! You are right, they change for a little while & then when comfortable again, it’s right back to the way it was! This is a circle and circles are not broken unless you do it.

    Get another counselor…
23. TAS says:

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    The first thing you should do is seek "real" help for yourself…recognize is it the abuse that makes you feel that way about yourself or is it just you (possibly depression, etc.), which could also stem from abuse. Do a search online to check out some of the resources available to you, there is tons of info. about domestic abuse (including verbal and emotional). It sounds like you need some "education" about abuse, it really helps to know what you are dealing with. Also, check out some of the co-dependency stuff because after 12 years that could be an issue. I understand just wanting someone to "tell" you what to do, but that is not the solution for you or your kids. However, not many people, especially therapist, are going to just say LEAVE after 12 years of marriage. It’s too much of a risk emotionally. Your therapist may be saying this based on other conversations you have had. My advice is to REALLY think it through because leaving is NOT easy, especially with kids, even when you can just go to your mom’s house. Eva, I just read more of what you wrote and I still say YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU! However, think about your daughter and would you want someone treating her like this…what would you tell her to do. My only other suggestion is for you NOT to go to your mom’s, but to call the Domestic Violence Hotline to get to a "safe place" with resources, counseling, and help for you and your children. The website is http://www.ndvh.org/ and the telephone number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

    Best Wishes to you and your children.
24. hope says:

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    Please leave him, don’t listen to anyone but your heart. Your therapist is there to make money off of you and thats it.
25. vertically challenged says:

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    You are old enough to have two kids and a twelve year marriage. Is maturity difficult for you? Of course, Yahoo Questions isn’t the place to get a definitive answer, but if all the bad things that you are talking about are happening on a regular basis and you are feeling threatened, what would you advise a friend to do?

    To me, if there is danger, you step back. Get out of the splash zone. Find a way to be safe and then evaluate the situation from that secure distance.

    This isn’t a black and white issue, as your therapist may be trying to tell you. However, safety for you and your kids (both physical and mental / emotional) seems to me to be the most important thing. Getting perspective from a distance can only be gotten from a distance, right?

    "… Acting from his littleness?" What in the world does that mean? Are you supposed to be this man’s mother and minister to his childish needs?

    Most of us don’t change much. If it’s taken you twelve years to get to this point of awakening, why not give yourself and this ‘littleness person’ some distance and then make a decision.

    Strength is better than weakness. Anger is better than regret. Reason should take precedence over your confusion right now.

    What would you tell your friend in the same situation?

    good luck
26. Mgrangran says:

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    Please Please run don’t walk to your mother’s home, you and your children are worth it to break away now before it is to late, I too have been in your shoes and I chose to stay, now 35 years later I have children who should have never been exposed to the fights verbally and phyically, I thought staying was best for my children and I should not think about myself. Believe me it would have been better for the children to never had been around all the ugly things that happened. If he truly loves you and family he will change and get help for hiself to prove it and you will be in a safe place till and if that happens, don’t really think it will . That therapist does not sound right to me , everyone I have heard says the opposite. Love yourself and children and get out.
    Good Luck,
27. Cashmere621 says:

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    Emotional, verbal and physical abuse are all equally damaging to you and your children. Leave him now. You’ve already made up your mind. You know what you want and need to do so just do it. Once you have successfully accomplished leaving this jerk do yourself another favor and find a new therapist. There is never a good reason to stay in a bad marriage especially when it is this abusive no matter who tells you otherwise. YOU MUST START TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! You are not stupid or worthless. If you were you wouldn’t even consider getting out of this hell! I wish you all the best. Just be careful. "Leaving" is always the most dangerous time when you decide to end an abusive relationship. Show him that you are smarter than him. Do the right thing for you and your children. You won’t ever regret it but if you don’t do it you will always have regrets! Now call your Mom, grab what you and the kids need most and go! Good luck!
28. Ronnie B T says:

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    Any prior physical abuse should be enough to leave. It happened three times. It likely will happen again. The verbal abuse is also difficult to take. Has he stopped since going to counseling. If not, be on your way as quckly as possible.
29. Maddiekins says:

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    leave his sorry ***! okay so my parents just went through a split and i can tell you that no matter how hard it gets to live in two places its sooooooo much better then having my parents together because all they did was fight and if you split while your kids are young they will most likely not remember a thing. i know one of my first memories is of my parents fighting over me and my two older brothers, and i can tell you its not the kind of thing you want your kids remembering. if you stay with him your only hurting yourself and your kids. what will end up happening is that you try and make it work and by the time you figure out it really won’t work your kids will all ready think of you as an unsuitable mother and will side with their dad (this is what happened to my mom and my older brothers, they had heard my dad abusing her so much that they learned to do the same because she wouldn’t put up a fight) and i know your probably don’t care what happened to my family or think that because i’m only 14 that i have no clue what i’m talking about but trust me the worst thing you could ever do is something that will scare your kids for life, which is what will happen. Don’t take as long as my mom did to do the right thing (it took my mom 18 years and 6 kids to realize that things wouldn’t work).
30. Tina says:

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    I think she is trying to keep you in that relationship so she can make money off u… plz get out, for your sake and the sake of your children… are u waiting for him to choke one of your kids… go to your moms, you’ll be safe there, of not call the police and get a restraining order… get supervised visitation rights for your husband and the children, for some reason i don’t trust him.
31. bsmart says:

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    Let me get this right…your husband tried to choke you—3 times, he makes you feel inferior, worthless as a mom, lets his "people" pick on you and does nothing to defend you. You’ve lived like this for 12 years and your "therapist" thinks you are giving up too easily? Hmmmm…I’d say you need a new therapist. She’s pulling your feelings into two different directions…building up your confidence to fight this by leaving (even though she hasn’t actually said it) and moving on with your life to making you feel like you should stay and try harder. I think you have already tried to do the best you can and as far as your children are concerned, it’s not by any means a good environment for them to be raised in. Their well-being should be your #1 priority. Decide where their well-being is best and go from there. Good luck! And remember, divorce is not the end of the world. You and your children have good years a head of you, don’t let your husband or therapist ruin it for you. Deep down you know what you need to do. Listen to your instincts, your "women’s intuition," they are strong and won’t fail you.
32. pete says:

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    NO ONE should stay in an abusive relationship, verbal, mental or physical! Try another therapist! Talk to your friends and family! Not the friends you have as a couple, the ones you had before him and are still close too. Good luck to you. No one deserves this crap!
33. niedermn says:

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    First of all find another therapist (which you already know). Second, you need to tell him where to stick it!! Third, leave!! You and your children are more important than any man!!!
34. badcat says:

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    If you care at all for you kids GET OUT!!!!!!!! He won’t stop. They never do. And it is child abuse to keep them in that house.

    I am not trying to be mean or act like a know it all. But I do know what I am talking about. I grew up in that kind of home. It is a living hell. And the mental scars never go away I am 34 and still have nightmares.

    And has for your so called therapist report her to the licensing board. Therapist are supposed to help you not try to get you killed.
35. sasmallworld says:

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    get a new therapist.. a 2nd opinion can’t hurt right? esp if u feel no one is really listening..that’s not fair to YOU. it’s not about leaving or staying.. i think it’s more about what is BEST for you and your children.

    whichever one is best, you should do…regardless of the "past". having kids doesn’t mean u should stick urself AND them in a dangerous, dysfunction relationship. and if u can become stronger on ur own, do what YOU think is best. the therapist is there to help, not tell u what to do. she/he is supposed to help you work out what you feel will be the best for your situation….so it’s more like advice and getting thru difficult situations, but not doing whatever SHE/HE says to do. =T

    now, if he’s physically and verbally abusive, that is dangerous and unhealthy. for u and the kids. and if he feels "littleness", HE should be the one getting therapy and staying away from you until he can work that out. obviously u have been w/ him for years and he hasn’t changed…. HE needs help. and if that means without u and the kids right now, so be it.

    good luck to you, i hope u really truly learn how to be Confident, Positive, and Healthy about Yourslef and your lifestyle. if someone else is pushing u down, continously negative, and makes u feel less than u really are, u have to seriously consider whether or not leaving can help you change for the Better. my advice to you , for now until u truly are sure u want to leave or stay, is to work on yourself:

    work on ur Appearance: trust me, it Really helps w/ kick starting ur confidence and ability to work harder on other things in ur life. so work out, exercise, get some stress out. try on new flattering clothes, makeup and hairstyles. feel Good about yourself.

    next, work on ur Mind: study, read more, learn about current events, excel at hobbies, join clubs, do more activities. be active in developing ur interests. it will make u feel productive and happier. also, the more u KNOW the more u will be able to carry on conversations w/ ANYONE and just be comfortable and confident, whether it be w/ ur family, friends, strangers…or ur husband.

    so that leads to your Relationships: work on how you act and react w/ ur children, husband, family members, friends, and loved ones. this also means that u need to be confident enough to know what You have to offer, how much you deserve, and how much your husband deserves you (what he has to offer).

    good luck~
36. hazeleyes says:

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    you know what I have done some research on women in emotionally abusive relationships and the counselors that the seek out for help. And you want me to let you in on a little secret…. Alot of counselors don’t have experience in dealing with emotional abusive relationships. So what i suggest you do is find a new counselor. And read this book by patricia evans called the verbally abusive man: can he really change. Trust me this book will shed alot of light on your experience. But I will tell you this from what i read. Your husband does not see you as being a person but an object. The next time he tells you about yourself simply say this " Why are you pretending to be me?" The look on his face will be a kodak moment.
37. Andrea Downing says:

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    Whatever. However. Regardless of how confusing it may seem. It isn’t confusing. It is demanding. And it requires you to understand that … simply…. you must leave. Those of us who write these things must fervently hope that you have somewhere, no matter how small, to go. Let us know please, if you are ok.