I want to save my marriage: was this a good way to handle things? Why or why not?
My husband and I are both middle aged and set in our ways. He was used to a lot of freedom, which he uses for political activism and taking care of his parents. I believe marriage should include togetherness and doing things as a couple not leading separate lives under one roof. We fought a lot about this and counseling made it worse because we’ds patch things up only to rehash the issues in counseling and start fighting again. My husband moved out. Last week, I threatened divorce and he showed up crying at my doorstep, so we agreed to live separate for a year and spend overnights at our house on the weekends to give time for him to get used to spending more time at home and assume the responsibilities of marriage. He had not come home yet because he had been working on some activism thing(of which he forwarded me every e-mail, scheduled meeting, etc.) and I thought that was it until yesterday at lunch. I went by his ex-girlfriend’s house and his car was parked the next street over. I left a note on his windshield that that explained so much then got back to the offfice and e-mailed him he was busted. He e-mailed back he went to pick up his clothes at her place, she wants nothing to do with him because he married me, and that she has a boyfriend in Europe and is moving there. He said he was taking time to think and finish doing his activism thing. I e-mailed his behavior has been most suspicious and I want to see the clothes because if that’s what he went there for he should have them and gave him an ultimatum. I said no more part time husband, you are moving back in full time this weekend so I know where you are nights at least and you are working to save this marriage with me because I am not giving you a divorce and if we end up having to get divorced it will be as nasty and expensive as a divorce can be because you betrayed my trust and put me through hell for the past month and you deserve to feel a bit of what I have. I said also we would not have sex until he gets tested and gets results for STDs and that I want no further communication from him except when he shows up with his belongings to move back in because I’ve heard enough excuses and rationalizations and I am not listening to more. I want to save this marriage for both noble and petty reasons: I love him(Noble) and (Petty) I am not giving him to the ex-gf and granting his mother’s wishes after all the interference she created in my marriage because I am Hispanic and she did not want him to marry a "spic". Was this a good way to handle things, why or why not? Abusive and insulting answers using name calling, or focusing on grammar rather than answering the question, violate yahoo answers guidelines and will be reported.
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Tagged with: amp • clothes • counseling • divorce • doorstep • ds patch • e mail • ex girlfriend • freedom • full time • hell • lunch • marriage • parents • part time • political activism • separate lives • taking time • time at home • time husband • togetherness • ultimatum • windshield
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Ok first I have to say I love the way you tell everyone to answer the question and if they violate it you will report them, go you. I think that you handled this will dignity and grace. I would try not to result to name calling because that can make it worse. I do suggest that you guys try counseling again. I commend you for caring about your marriage enough to move him back in and force him to work on it, that is what a real woman would do!!! Go you!!! I do think that he should sleep on the couch too. I agree with you about getting tested for STD’s. Also I want to suggest a book to you, that is designed to help people save their marriages, its called the Love Dare. Its a Christian book, and you read it each day and you have a task to do each day for your husband. You keep doing the book, even if he pushes you away, and even if you feel like you are the only one trying, trust me this book works it has saved many marriages. Also you can watch the movie Fire Proof, the book is based off the movie. Its the best movie, you can even make your husband watch it too. You can also try to get him to do the book too. I posted a link to the book, I hope that this helps, and you can check out the website, you can order the book online or buy it at any Christian book store. I wish you and your husband the best of luck and I hope that yall can work things out. If you have more questions feel free to email me.
It seems to me that you focus too heavily in your marriage on what you want your husband to do differently, than on what you could do to make your marriage better. You identify political activism, and taking care of his family as the two main factors that create distance between you. But the fact of the matter is that you could become politically active alongside your husband, which would make it a shared activity that would promote bonding. You could also help him take care of his family, which would not only make him feel gratitude toward you, but also endear you to them. Both these steps could potentially produce very beneficial effects on your marriage.
PS – Although you could definitely use a paragraph break here and there, I think your grammar is better than the majority of Y!A users’!
Ok I think that without trust a relationship doesn’t have a leg to stand on so you guys need to work on that and the leading separate lives is not a good idea, when having problems its best to tackle them head first, together. btw don’t accuse someone unless you have proof, why didn’t you just go there and knock on the door so that you can have definate proof of what was actually going on? Next time don’t be impulsive, act more rash and wife-like. Be strong and don’t let anger or your emotions make decisions for you. Now is a good time for you two to be residing under the same roof to build that trust
And none of this was apparent before you married him?
What has changed since the wedding?
You end your question with a threat and expect answers, good luck with that.
If you believe it was a good way to handle things then I think it was too. I would have handled them differently since the relationship doesn’t sound worth repairing but it’s not my relationship to question and that’s a personal judgement. The questions to ask yourself really are: Do I think it will really work if he does as I say or am I just going through the motions again? Will I really want him back or will the resentment just weigh on our marriage so bad the end of this is simply a matter of time? Once you have the answers to those questions you will know if the ship has sailed or you really want him back for the rest of your lifetime. If I read your question right reading between the lines your resentment of him will kill any hopes of sustaining the relationship for any true length of time. Good luck
I agree with "Happy-2"’s answer, he says "It seems to me that you focus too heavily in your marriage on what you want…"
Why don’t you get more interested in what he is doing, or come to some agreement e.g.
If you attend some of his political meetings, he has to take you out for dinner once a week, etc.
Your behavior to him seems very threatening, and demanding. ("nasty divorce" etc, etc, etc) It does not give the impression that you are willing to make any compromises.
You might want him to come back, but it does not sound very loving.
You even threaten the people who might respond to your question, that you will report them.
Of course, as with your husband, you have a right to be treated well, but your attitude (the way you come across) is not very accommodating.
You need to try harder to get the friendly and accommodating part of you shine through.
Good luck.
I think the conflict should not turn into a confrontation. You have to remain cool and calm. You have to remember that patience have
never won a war. The anger in your mind can generate unclear thoughts. You cannot control your emotions when you are angry. Hold on and maintain a low voice