My wife says she doesn’t love me the way that I deserve. That She has felt that way for a while?
A week ago my wife says she didn’t love me the way I deserve. She ways I’m a great guy, I treat her better than anyone has ever treated her, I’m her best friend, she loves being around me, and that I make her happy. She says that there’s just some emotional spark missing. She tells me she has felt that way since a few days after I had proposed to her. We are almost now almost two years married.
She has come from a broken home, has an alcoholic father, has a sister that has never been married to a man she loves, and most of the people in her family are in loveless relationships. Yet, she says her upbringing has nothing to do with anything.
She gave me the it’s not you it’s me speech. We have started counseling but I’m nearly convinced she’s not trying. I asked her if there is someone else and she says there isn’t. I’m inclined to believe her because there isn’t any time for that. Nor is there for me either. We wake up together, go to work and, until very recently, met each other at the gym before heading home.
I asked her if she really wasn’t in love with me then why did she marry me. She said she thought it was cold feet at first, then she realized she wasn’t in love with me but then didn’t want to hurt me. She said she saw her father hurt her mother over and over again and she didn’t want to become her father.
Also during our first year of marriage my father fought a battle with cancer and died. The whole time my wife was there by my side. She was there the day my brother was shipped to Iraq. She tells me that’s what she’s "supposed" to do if you’re someone’s wife. To which I say, "If you didn’t love me and didn’t want to be there, you wouldn’t have been there." If she was so not in love with me as she says she is, we wouldn’t be here now.
I don’t think I smother her. I tell her she’s beautiful every day, she hangs out with her friend and I hang out with mine. More often than not we hang out with them together. We do a lot together. We travel, hike, work out. We do things that couples do.
I don’t understand how she says for all this time that she didn’t love me. Why put yourself through that? Why torture yourself that way? Though she said it was never torture because she loves being around me. It’s like she’s sending mixed signals. If you don’t love me, then why are you there. Why did you go through all of hurt, pain, joys, and laughter if you weren’t in love? Can someone, anyone, please explain this to me and tell me what to do?
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Tagged with: alcoholic father • amp • best friend • brother • cancer • cold feet • counseling • few days • first year of marriage • heading home • home amp • iraq • love • loveless • marriage • relationships • upbringing • whole time
Filed under: How To Get Her Back
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If I were in your boat, I would want to know from her, does she think she does not love me like I "deserve" 1) because of who I am, or 2)because she is incapable of loving anyone.
1. Who I am. If this is her answer, OK, why? What she seems to be implying is that you are "too good" for her, that she doesn’t deserve someone as good as you. In this case, your answer should be along the lines of, "Fine. That’s OK with me. I still want to stay married to you." Tell her that it was your choice to marry her and that you feel absolutely fine with the way she loves you. Better than fine, you are happy with the way she loves you.
2. Incapable of loving anyone. Again, if this is her answer, your response should be that that is perfectly OK with you. Sure, you want her to be capable of love someday, and you will support her through whatever personal growth and counseling she needs to go through in order to attain the capability. However, once again, stress to her that you made the choice to marry her for the person that she is, and that you are happy with and sticking to that decision.
Please don’t let her off the hook. Don’t let your marriage die because you didn’t fight for it. You do not have to accept the lack of an "emotional spark" as a good excuse for scrapping a marriage. Hang in there. Be accepting of what she says, and believe what she says, but always give her back optimism and the attitude of being resolved to never letting your marriage die.
give her a chance to love you more.. I mean, allow her to serve you..
People that grow up in households like hers was tend to have these feelings because they don’t know how to feel any different. She has to sort this all out with professional help. The poor girl probably doesn’t know how she feels herself.
spank her on the ass, and tie her up … then treat her dirty…
Sadly although she feels a lot of affection for you she doesn’t love you. She’s probably thinking that she deserves to be with someone she loves so it’d be better if you separated so she can try and find someone.
What it could be is that her upbringing has left her with a problem loving people, in which case she’ll never find what she’s looking for. She may ultimately want to come back to you.
I don’t know what to suggest. A trial separation maybe?
Good luck.
I think the only thing she needs is a big dose of a "wake up call". Give her what she wants, move out on your own for a period of time and see if thats what she really wants. HOwever I feel that if your alls relationship is really what you say it is she will realize how much you mean to her and die to get you back. So please, let her go, if she truely loves you she will com eback. This seem to be your only option man, good luck, and if you think about it, email me and let me know what happens, I know your heart broken, but be tough bro, let her go for now. See what happens. And if she does stay gone, then you know she is happy and thats what we want her to be.
Hmmm. I think one of your friends is getting to close to her.
She sounds like a typical stupid Western woman. They think their relationship is going to be a certain way the whole way through. They don’t realize that relationships change over time. Guess what? Whatever she’s blaming you of, she’s going to have to confront at some time anyway. Let’s say eventually it leads to divorce. Then she finds another guy. The same things will happen. It’s not the guy, it’s her mind.
The question is if you’re O.K. living with her. If you’re not, you can get divorced. If you want to stay together, then do so. It actually looks like there aren’t many problems and that you’re both imagining them.
i dont suspect she would recognize love if she saw it.
maybe therapy on her own would help.
well, it is like u re her best friend – u re supposed to be there for your friends, u share fun, u work out, u go on trips, u go out. but for being in love u need more – this physical attraction and this electricity. some people call it spark. she just as she said didnt’ want to hurt your feelings and it would have been not decent to leave u when your father battled with cancer. now probably u re fine so she thought this is the convenient time for announcing her feelings. she didn’t want to hurt u, i understand her. but we do live once, so now she needs to take care of her life and happiness
Honey believe it or not it really is HER and not you. I too was raised in an alcoholic home. Your wife sounds like shes lost. And I do believe it’s from her up bringing. I was there one time also. Let her go. I know you don’t want to. And I know it’s not that simple. REALLY I DO. But she sounds very confused. And the only way to really find out how she really feels is to let her go!!!!! Believe me, if your the one she wants SHE’LL BE BACK!!! And if your not the one then better you find out about it now rather then hang around wasting your time on a loveless marriage. Good luck
She may not understand what love really is. A lot of us have this idea in our heads that when you are in love with a person you have butterflies in your belly, and you get flushed when you think about them, and it’s just basically all these overwhelming feelings towards a person. That is lust, that tends to fade a bit as we really get to know someone, and we settle into our lives. The sexual attraction is still there, but the intensity goes down.
I do agree with you that if she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have cared enough about your feelings to stick around during the bad or good times. She just needs to understand that her upbringing has everything to do with the way she is feeling now. Hopefully you two will stick with the counseling, but maybe she needs some sessions alone as well. To truly be in love with a person, is when you want to be there for them when they are hurting and you want to share the laughter. The butterflies may go away, but that doesn’t mean the love fluttered away with them.
My prayers are with you.
The one thing you didn’t mention in your "we do things that couples do" is maintaing that romantic spark / passion. Everything you mentioned IS love but it is no different than love many people have with friends & relatives. So while she recognizes that you are a great guy, it is possible that "loving" feeling has been dying down (which can happen as we go through our daily routines) and it needs to be rekindled.
Try en understand her give her much time i know she will heaL with time only that you have to be patient .
You need to get that spark back and fast or you will lose her. Here is the biggest problem with most married couples. Once they are married they feel like they no longer have to be romantic any more because they caught their mate and that is that and they don’t need to do those special things like taking their loved one to a romantic night out. Hold hands and take walks together. Or just get silly and make love some place they never have before * caution watch out for poison ivy! Try pouring a nice hot bath for her surrounded with scented candles, or buy some massage oils and give her a rub down or even do both. Whatever you do forget the porn for some women it’s a turn off. But don’t do the massages and candles to the point it gets be the same old same you need to change the game plan around now and then to keep things fresh. You should fine the spark coming back and she can’t wait to see what you’ll do next. My husband once hired a limo and took me out to dinner and it wasn’t even an anniversary or anything special and believe me the sparks flew in the bedroom that night.
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show her how much you love her bring her flowers,take her out to a romantic resturant,help her around the house think about her feeling towards you and stop thinking about yours. a warm kiss when you come home from work,cook for her when and if she works,pamper more.give her a day off from you,let her spend so quality time with her girlfreindsbuy her some romantic cards and give her one a week to let her know how much you love her – she just might need a little space from you so she can miss you
sounds like she has a low self-esteem.
I don’t believe that I deserve my husband either sometimes, he is just so good to me. and I feel asif I don’t derserve all that he does, . It is true what she say’s that it’s not you, its her.
I’m sorry you are going through this. But, it is best that she is being honest with you. It’s apparent that she loves you because she is still with you. Maybe you should find out what she wants right now – is it a divorce? separation? She may have fallen out of love for some reason. But, you two are the best of friends, which can lead to love, even pationate love. No one can tell you what to do. But there are alternatives….try being romantic, you know flowers, candle lit dinners, love notes, massages, sincere compliments, spontaneuity, send "sweet talk" texts, etc…. but don’t appear clingy or needy. We women like to be emotionally cared for, find out what she "needs" emotionally and give it to her. Talk to her and actively listen to what she is saying. If you are in counseling the therapist should have you two engaging in different excercises, how are they going? This is your life so you have to do everything in your power to try to show her how much you love and adore her. If all else fails, this will be hard, but try to prepare yourself emotionally for the worst (divorce). I really hope things work out for you two!
She shouldn’t have gone through the whole thing in the first place when we take vows we mean them. It sounds like the vows don’t mean anything to her.
She sounds like someone who’s insecure maybe she’s thinking you might leave her one day. Try talking to her make her understand that you love her and that she’s the only one for you.
It takes two tango if she wants the marriage to work she must all her energy to the marriage in oder for it to work.
because of what she has dealt with, she doesn’t know what or if she truly loves you & beats herself up every time she even has an questionable thought. this often happens when we don’t grow up in a nurturing loving environment.
welcome to the club