Please help me. I dont know what to do with my husband!?
Before going on, I want to say that I do love my husband and in no way want to leave him. I would greatly appreciate anyone and everyones advice on how I should handle this… and there’s a lot.
To start with. My husband and I have two children. He works part time, sometimes full time depending on the week and goes to school part time. I go to school full time and then take care of the kids the rest of the time.
My husband has always been on the lazier side, but lately he has gotten unmanagable. He puts off his homework until last minute. When he’s at home, he just lays around and does nothing. He doesnt help out around the house. His laziness has begun to affect the children. He pushes them aside, and gets frustrated with them because he either doesnt want to be bothered and would wants to play video games or put his homework off until last minute and is trying to get it done in a hurry. This HAS effected his grades in school. Dont get me wrong, he’s passing, but barely.
My husband has a lying problem. This stems from childhood issues and the household he was raised in. He used to be really bad about it but I thought we had gotten past it, but lately im starting to notice it again. My husband is not good with money. We agree’d I would be in charge of our finances. Things were going great, but last week I caught him lying about taking 0 that was put away (and when we have no money to begin with because we’re both college students, its a big deal). Things have gotten so bad with his laziness, procrastination, lethargic attitude that its tearing us apart. we barely speak, we barely spend time together. Ive gotten to the point where its pointless for me to try to talk to him about things, it goes no where. He either doesnt talk or plays a "pitty me" role and then tries to kiss my butt.
What really got things to a breaking point was last weekend. My husband does not have a good track record when it comes to cars. Hes wrecked every car we’ve had and gotten about five tickets in the two years we have been married. My parents were kind enough to let us buy their car that they no longer needed, and make payments that were convenient for us, and he totaled it last weekend because he was being careless. Believe me, Im happy he is OK, but what makes this difficult is he lied about how it happened. he tried to say something went wrong with the car, but to find out, thats not the truth, and no matter how much you try to talk to him about it, he wont budge with his story (but we know for a fact its a lie) and his story has even started to fall apart, but he still swears by it….. To make it worse is that this was our only car, and we absolutely have to have a car. We had to scrounge every last penny we had, including a small loan from my parents to be able to buy a new car to get us a by. It wouldnt have been so upsetting but now we are even more in the hole due to his carelessness. He doesnt even act like he appreciated that my parents gave us over 00 for a new car, and still has this attitude like "oh well I wrecked the car". It just adds salt to the wound because we had to take the money we had set aside for our 2 yr wedding anniversary (which is on monday!) to go towards the car. And then my birthday, and we have no money for christmas. His carelssness has affected everything. My parents are upset that he was careless with the car (he was speeding 20 mph over the speed limit went around a corner when it was pouring and stormy and hydroplained and hit a telephone pole!). He has an excuse for everything! Ive tried to be understanding through this and bite my tongue but its so hard. When we were dating, he totaled my car. When we were engaged, he wrecked that car. Then after we got married, he wrecked that car… and now this car. Now that we have this new car, ive refused to let him drive it, and I now drive him to work. This has irritated him in turn, and he’s upset at me about that.
I feel that this car issue only makes everything else more clear. Maybe he wouldnt be in such a hurry if he was alittle more organized with life. If he didnt put things off until last minute. He’s so lazy that he’s even letting himself go. We’ll go out, and I’ll be dressed nice, and here’s my husband with hig bushy beard, not cleaned shaved, bed hair, hasnt brushed his teeth and his crack is hanging out for the world to see. its embarressing. Yes I love him but oh my!
I just dont know what to do anymore. Im frazzled over everything. He lies, swears he doesnt, hes careless, hes unmotivated, unorganized, lazy… and he’s even getting this way with our children. Today I was going to go out with my mom. He told me to go ahead and get ready and he would watch the kids. I come out of the bathroom, and he had set our children (who are too young to be left alone!) in front of the TV and went outside about an acre from our house (we’re on 5 acres). I didnt go out there and say anything, but I watched the clock and
I do agree that he is depressed. ive tried talking to him about it, and sometimes he’ll agree that he’s depressed, and other times he gets upset about it. Ive tried expressing how he shouldnt be ashamed if he has to go on meds, but he refuses to go to the doctor about it.
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DearFriend, i can only try to feel what you must be going through. You are going through a lot, and this must be very painful to you. It seems you are a very strong willed female. Hats off to you.
You see, you almost diagnosied the root to his behaviour pattern. You see, he is behauing in a pattern. It lies somewhere in his childhood. From your text i feel he never had any warm healthy bonding with his parents. The fall-out is now.
I wil cut short.
1. He is under tremendous stress, and the reasons only he can tell.
2. His procrastination, lethargy, disinterestedness, indisciplined way of life is due to stress
3. His accidents are due to stress
4. He has lost interests in his life because of his faulty perception "I/we donot have a happy future".
5. Etc.
Good to know that you love him and that you are trying to bring back happiness in your life. Hats off again.
I still see rays of hope ahead. Would you like to take him for counselling? It will help. He might refuse. Make him go.
Go to a Psychotherapist who specialises in Transactimal Analysis (TA). Only TA can address his issues effectively.
Anniversary wishes for you.
Happy birthday,and
Merry Christmas, all in advance.
Best wishes to you and your family. May the happiness return fast.
LOL…..you have got to be kidding.
Pay a marriage counselor.
it sound like you both need to get counseling to deal with the issues at hand. other wise it will get
worst,, he need to start being more a father and husband…
he needs to be with men of character and high moral standing……..
but don’t introduce him to people. men hate that.
maybe take him to a motivational seminar. that might wake him up.
i hope this helps….. have hope.
I wish you could’ve cut the story short. It made me feel dizzy only by reading half of it!
Childhood issues..nope. He’s doing all this because he’s a dishonest jerk. Not sure what attracted you to him in the first place. If my husband had lied to me and done all the things yours did to you before marriage..well..I don’t stay with jerks.
Sounds like some serious personal counseling for both you and him at separate times and marriage counseling is in order.
It sounds as if his problem is depression coupled with some kind of emotional anxiety from his childhood. He needs theropy. Maybe even meds. Consult a professional if you want to save your marriage. Money is always a big problem in marriage especially if he dosen’t feel as though he is providing well enough for you to live up to his standards. Talk to him. Get his attention anyway you can. Then get him the help he needs.
He sounds depressed. Get him to see a doctor. Find any excuse. You can go behind his back and let his doctor know about your concerns.
1) you wrote way to much
2) get a divorse
3) divorse him and get one last banging out of him u know suck his richard etc. and middle of night leave
sounds like you married a "teenager " who has no sense of responsibility !
Justin hit it right on the head.
That’s amazing you still love him and don’t want to get divorced. I had a similar husband although he wasn’t lazy. He agreed to counseling but it didn’t help. If your husband doesn’t see the damage he is causing then he could loose you and the kids. You must talk to him and try counseling! If you don’t feel the counseling is working maybe try a different counselor.
You wrote way to much! And you think I’m going to read all that? Yeah right!
well I feel very bad for you, I’ll tell you why. my wife does the same things but the lazy stuff that’s me. I have ADHD and its a problem but i learned to control it for the most part but some days are a real struggle. my wife has done things that hurt us but blames me, hates my mom and dad but loves hers they do no wrong. speeding tickets parking tickets lies to people about me, her self like will say she has cancer. the thing is love only goes so far and im to that point myself after 18 years. if you are going threw this it never stops, you will have good years might get 4 solid years at a time but you will feel you never can get ahead that something is holding you back. let him know you love him but he needs to change or you will go because unless your willing to live with it he wont change unless he has to. best of luck.
he only works part time
hes lazy
he lies
he wrecks every car
hes in debt
he doesnt care
hes not good with the kids
he is a physical wreck
unorganized–it goes on and on, look hes acting like a 22 y.o. college guy with no responsibilites
STOP going to your paents to let the steam off the pot little by little, let it boil over.
let everything blow up in his face, 10-1 your parents sold you the land right? or somebody gave you a break there too.
Wow! You have a lot going on and it is not in the right direction. My oh My! Sounds like the beginning of my marriage that I am still in but separated after 20 plus years. From experience, and this is hard hard lessons I wish I knew when I was in your stage, STOP assisting him. You assist him every time your parents give you a loan, every time to help bale him out, every time you make things easier for him. Stop Stop, he will only get worse and for the lying goes, he always lies and always will because you always take it. He plays you just the way he knows how to do it. See, these types are experts at manipulation and he’s got your number. Mine had mine for soooo many years and it has taken 3 plus just to repair the damage it has caused my mental being. If someone would have told me these things when I was just starting out, I probably wouldn’t have believed them because I was already whipped. He had me mentally dependent on him so much that he basically could do whatever he wanted and I would still stay. He knew when I was getting really really fed up and then he would be good for awhile and the perfect husband making me think it was me. etc… You have to watch your emotions cause they will mess with them and he will always be the way he is until you stand up for yourself and give him the fear that you are something of value and he will lose it if he doesn’t act like a man and be one. Who in the world wants to live with someone who cannot show the children what a man is and how they are supposed to care for his family. Trust me on this too, it will mess up those beautiful kids you have. Don’t do it unless he changes and it has to be a change that is almost like a miracle. Don’t be fooled by him any longer. You don’t need to waste your money on counselors, you will only get into bigger fights and it will get turned on you. I can promise I can tell you what he says about you etc… they are all the same. Anyway, to be totally honest and blunt, your only hope is in God and his transformation. That’s it. I am still praying for mine to change and not yet but at least I saved myself and kids. Good luck.
My goodness, I hope you feel better after getting all that off your chest. As much as you love him, he needs to see what he has, ever heard don’t know what you got til it’s gone? I’d pack up the kids and go to mom’s house for awhile and let him suffer, by himself. And when he’s ready to get his family back ( and he will ) set some ground rules and don’t back down. You have to be the stronger one for the kids. If you don’t then you are gonna have to except that you have 3 kids to raise, not 2.
OK… If you don’t want your kids to turn out like him, dump him. I understand how EXTREMELY painful it is for you. But if you don’t like that plan, I got another one.
See, my mom was married to my dad (duh) and my dad was mean and selfish, even though he was trying not to be. I’m sure your husband is the same way! So my mom moved out of the house (with me and my brother) so many and too many times. She finally came to one thing… To kick him out WITHOUT divorcing him. I though this was a great idea! My dad was so lonely and also couldn’t mary another woman that he had no choice… he had to mature. So now (a few years later) I’m living as a family right now. He’s getting better. But he’s getting annoying sometimes… Anyway, you should probably do this to your husband. He needs to learn for himself!
Good luck!
- Nathan
Hi,
to make it efficient and short, here we go
Give him:
1. Option to change immediately and without fail; ask him to explain you his problems, giving you a promise it will all change.
or;
2. Move to your parents and get divorced.
This way you will give a chance to save your marriage. At the same time you will have a way out for an ever repeating reality.
It is not easy. You need to decide what you want out of life. That you have children it is of no excuse.
They might be happier in normal household.
No matter what excuses your husband has or had in a past – they seem to be there and for ever.
Every adult is responsible for his/her actions. It is time for him to wake up; or; for you to move on.
Wish you a good decision
I first want to say that Im shocked at some of the comments to ur story, dam, ppl can be rude and so un-understanding huh! Well I no (cuz Ive been there), that u cant just up n leave, and I also no that ultimatums are for the birds unless u really could just up n leave! But, that being said doesnt mean u just sit there and take it! Im very sorry for what u hav gone thru and for what u r bout to go thru! But some advice that u honestly should take into consideration is something I did and if I wouldnt have, Id still be sittin in our old rented trailer, that was always on the verge of bein repo\"d with not a dime to my name and 3 kids! I forced my husband to see a doctor, I had to go behind his back and tell his doc that I was desperate, that our marriage was un-fixable and that I needed him to do something asap! When I finally got my husband to go in to his doc they did blood work and several other tests! They found out that my husband had a very under active thyroid, that his testosterone levels wer scarcely low, and that he had full blown a.d.d as well as bi-polar depression! This didnt surprise me too much but the change in him after he started on the rite meds was unbelievable! im not sayin that this is the case with ur husband but the way u describe ur situation is just to much like mine! My husband now is a completely different person! And we are doin better than ever! Hes responsible, he wrks his but off, he actually gets out and does things with our kids and I no longer feel like the man of the house! I hope this helps u in some way! And if u can get him to see a doc, i just no u wont regret it! I wish u all the luck in the world and always remember, \"good comes to those who suffer!!!