What do I do to improve my marriage after my husband told me he’s seen his ex-fiance?
My husband’s last relationship ended in 1998, we started dating in 2000 and got married in 2004. Our son was born in 2006.
My husband is an adventurous person, he has a big passion for mountains and the outdoors. I don’t share that passion, but I am ok with him going on climbing, hikes and other adventures. I am a simple person that has a passion for her family, I love my son and husband and love caring for them. My husband also has a passion for his football team, which I’m completely involved in this with him, we go to games together, watch the games on TV, dress in the team’s colors and apparel, etc.
My husband contacted his ex and saw her last July, he said they needed closure and they talked about their past relationship; my husband said he wanted to improve our marriage getting input from his ex about what he has done wrong in their relationship, if he was selfish about doing stuff that he likes to do and not stuff the other person wants to do. She loves trail running and loves the mountains as well, they met again in August to go over some maps and routes they have explored, but they also reminisced about their past experiences who got my husband confused (I read this in an email), he saw her again in September (I never knew he was seeing her at this point, he lied to me).
A few days after their last encounter my husband told me he had been in touch with her and that he needed to tell me because he felt terrible lying to me. He told me that they’re only friends and that they are going to keep that friendship. His ex said that he would not see him if he didn’t tell me that he was going to hang out with her, so he did, only because she asked him. When he told me all of this, I was very confused and felt betrayed because he had lied to me. He said he wanted to see her and go hiking with her and talk about mountains and hang out and also go have a beer from time to time.
I trusted my husband more than any other wife would trust his man (I really trusted him with all my heart), but after this he broke down years of trust, his email has no password on his computer and I usually helped him do business on his email before, so I went and checked his email and didn’t like what I found. There wasn’t really anything that talked about sex, but the way they wrote to each other really made me feel uncomfortable. He mentioned in one of this emails that his heart had been rattled. I told him I saw those emails and offered to set him free so he could be friends with anybody he wanted. I told him I wasn’t going to ask him to drop his friendship, because I am not the person that would do that, but that I would divorce him so he can follow his heart and passion for his mountains with her. He got mad at he and after days and weeks of talking he told me he wasn’t going to talk to her or see her again, which seems true at this point.
I emailed his ex and told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with their friendship, because it had the big potential of becoming an affair if they spend a lot of time together and that could damage our marriage forever, I read something online about Emotional Affairs and it seems that this is exactly what happened between them, but I believe they never slept together while they saw each other these 3 times.
My husband and I seem ok now, we’ve gone through some health issues at this point and haven’t talked about this issue for a couple of weeks, but we did almost every day for a month.
I want to improve our marriage, but I can’t go mountain climbing because it isn’t my thing. We used to enjoy white water rafting before, but since we flipped twice on a trip, I really got scared and he keeps telling me that he misses our trips together, but I often have nightmares about flipping and wake up very scared. Things changed a lot after we had our son, I used to work at home with him (he works from home) but with the economy problems I have working out of the house for 1 ½ years, I work 40 hours a week, have a lot of chores and responsibilities and he says that I don’t have enough time for him sometimes, that I don’t pay attention to his needs. I personally think he is selfish about this, because he gets to enjoy many outdoor things while I stay home taking care of our son and cleaning the house during the weekend while he is out having fun.
Please I need everybody’s opinion and advise on this.
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Tagged with: adventurous person • closure • colors • email • encounter • experiences • Family Love • few days • fiance • football team • friendship • games • maps • marriage • mountains • passion • relationship
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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sounds as if he on the verge of an affair, so far its just been emotional, which is dangerous enough. If you go With him to these outings, she won’t be able to go. If I were you and you value your marriage I would make an effort to go with him, or he will find someone who will.
run
it sounds to me like you have put up with enough! he is walking all over you girl and the sooner you see that the better
I would run away. Anyone who tries to use the "I was trying to improve OUR marriage by contacting my ex" is not only a cheat in the making but a f-ing liar.
He is sleeping with her or planning on it. And yes, he is a selfish person, extremely. He is using you.
Believe it or not you are actually being quite selfish in this marriage. You cant go climbing like absolutely CANNOT becausse… its not your thing? Honey, it’s called compromise. He is absolutely right that you dont tend to his needs. You have a son yes, but that’s not his fault, take two to make a baby. Suck it up and go climbing, do you have any idea what that would meann to him? A LOT, i do a lot for my fiancee to make him happy and in return he does for me, I watch things i HATE i get up at midnight if he asks for a drink, i go out of my way to make sure he is comfortable, i go on boring trips he thinks are exciting, you know and I kNOW he does the same for me cause i know exactly what he likes and what he doesnt. Your being quite selfish, take a week off work and go camping or something, just you and him. You have a family, not just you and your son.
Leave the past where it belongs . The ex and him aren’t an issue nor a threat to you ..He loves you and wants to know having a child hasn’t made it impossible to be a couple again . My sweetie works out on the road ~ monday thru friday sometimes ~sun thru thursday …and so on ….when he is home and I do work swing shifts 40 hour weeks …and work weekends too …we do something that I like and something he likes …I am the hiker , swimmer . river person he is the sports nut ….horseshoes …baseball catch ….you have to play ! no matter what ….at 43 and my Babe is 50 …we know better then to veg and get old ….lounging about the house safely ! Put your fears to bed and get your butt moving in a better direction …soon your boy will take your spot and you will want to join in but ….you might not be welcomed ….don’t give up …remember he is home all week and needs some release from it all …JOIN HIM NOW PLEASE ….He went seeking an answer from his EX on how to be a better person for you !!!!!!…DID YOU GET THAT ?…I pray you did ….peace to you & best of luck !
don’t get hurt and sorry to say this but you are a terrible match to be married, he loves the outdoors so much he leaves his family on the weekend, after he sits all cozy in the house all week.
You’re forced to leave the comfort of your home all week, then when you’re finally home you are alone.
He is an extremely to the max selfish man.
you have got to be kidding if you think they did nothing, and don’t communicate still.
He has various ways to contact her through out the day, and meet her for the mtn climbing.
You can go but you chose not to.
He will definitely find a female to share his fun with, you know that. No he did not meet up with her to discuss where he went wrong in their relationship.
saying you ”don’t pay attention to his needs” is a man’s way of saying ”that’s why i cheated on you”
You have got two choices;
Make ‘his thing’ ‘your thing’ so he doesn’t feel the need to go chasing after an ex in order to have someone to share his interests with. Take your son with you and forget the housework for a while.
or
Find someone who shares ‘your thing’.
You need to make his thing your thing or he will continue to search for someone who shares his interests in his ex or another woman. He’s looking for the woman he married and you have to make some sacrifices for him. You are the one being selfish. You have to compromise or he will not only emotionally leave you but physically too in a pursuit for someone who will compromise to his adventurous spirit. I ABSOLUTELY hate doing some things with my love because they are ‘not my thing’ but i do them because he likes to do it. And i know he hates doing things that are very important to me, but he compromises even if he’s upset about it. I’ve been white water rafting, and it’s not that serious for you to be having nightmares about. Your not swimming with sharks. My raft, people actually jumped out of the raft because they wanted that extra adventure in the heart of the snake river in WY. LIVE A LITTLE.. Your husband needs that part of you.