is my marriage going to the gutter?
well.. how do I start? It seems that my wife and I had a complete break down in communication. I am going to our holiday gift exchanges as examples.. and I need your input.
Birthdays: For her birthday, I left work early to get her a pearl necklace, a birthday card, cook her dinner and bought her a cake. She got mad at me because I was too dumb to buy her a fake pearl necklace (which I relaced with a real one later). For my birthday, she got me a robe.
X-mas: I got her a digital photo frame (8") (0) and she got me pajamas and a book (total ).
Valentines day: I got her expensive flowers and cake. I got nothing in return.
Oh.. did I mention we have not had any romantic relationship for like 16 months…. ? I don’t know if there is any way we could save this relationship….. the major problem is our communication is just terrible. she constantly seems to be attacking me and when i voice my concerns, she tells me that I am whinning… i am kind of fed up….
we’ve been together for over 10 years. things are getting worse. all concerns that i have becomes whinning to her. the way i describe it sounds like i am keeping scores, but how else can i describe it? i can not talk to her for more then 2 sentences about anything of substance before i get attacked. when she misunderstood me, she latches on her interpretation and won’t allow me to explain. gifts? all i am asking for to exchange them and get what i want. i don’t think she would be happy with a toaster.. would you? so i avoid giving her a toaster and i don’t think it is too much to ask her to do the same for me. it is getting worse and truste me, i have tried many things. i sense that she has no love left for me and perhaps, that will be the way that this will end. i feel terrible, because the time and memory that we shared. but i also know that her heart is not in it…. i guess i already know the answer.
i am very sad about this because i really would like to love and take care of someone who i have shared memories with for the rest of our lives. but i am so drained emotionally and mentally and the lack of romance in our relationship is eating me alive (i have many opportunities to go outside our marriage, but did not). sometimes i look at her, i still remember the way she looked when we first met and thinking about what has been going on between us, makes me very sad. i think there is a genuine lack of respect in our relationship and i really do not know if that can ever be changed. she may be having an affair… but at this point, if she would just tell me I swear I would wish both of them well and get out of this relationship. i am just so tired from all of this… and i want to know WHY .. and that would be good enough for me.
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Tagged with: 10 years • birthday card • birthdays • digital photo frame • flowers • gift exchanges • heart • holiday gift • love • many things • memory • pajamas • pearl necklace • robe • romantic relationship • sentences • toaster
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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it is there…not that it cannot be mended but it isn’t in good shape. is this every occasion? you need counseling together and probably individually as well
She’s having an affair.
2 words:
Marriage counseling. ASAP if you want to salvage your marriage.
Soooooo she spends about 1/3 of what you spend on gifts. Sounds about right to me, since she will get 2/3 of your money if you don’t start communicating. As a little hint, don’t bring up that you do more for her than she does for you. That would be detrimental to your marriage. Find the real problem, and attack it.
maybe she gave up on buying you present because you seem to be into comparing how much they cost.
This marriage is on life support and struggling! I suggest marriage counseling if she refuses to work on the marriage then you will have to get out.
I agree with nocole
There’s just no nice way to say this… so I won’t say it.
Go back and re-read what you wrote. If you can’t see the problem then I’m not sure what to tell you.
You’re a score keeper. You’re adding up the value of the gifts you two give? That’s shallow as hell. What’s up with that?
If you judge somebody by the value of their gifts, you’re thinkin’ is a bit off.
Look at yourself first. You’re the one thing you CAN do something about. You can’t change her — nor should you try — unless you want to go nuts.
Do yourself a favor and get real honest with yourself. You’ve got some problems that you need to work on. Forget about her. Work on yourself. That will bring the good results faster than anything. And if your marriage falls apart, it will have proven worth it to work on your own sh!t.
We all have our sh!t. We all do things we’re not proud of. That’s the place to start. Let it begin with you. Stop blaming this woman for your problems. I’m sure she has her own but hers have a lot less to do with you than you might think and vice versa.
Good luck.
she doesn’t know she has a good man. first STOP buying her stuff at all if she does nothing but criticize your gifts. second 16 MONTHS holy cow. I don’t want to hurt your feeling but she is getting it from somewhere. The way she is acting toward you, you can just tell. It’s about time your fed up cuz she is walking all over you. you need to find a woman that appreciates all your gifts and your company. try counseling and if that don’t work divorce. life is way to short to be so unhappy.
Best Of Luck
I think you’re putting too much stock into how much your gifts cost each other. Just because she spent less money on you doesn’t mean that you are the better one in the relationship. However, I can see what you’re saying about not quite feeling like she means much to you as far as holidays, i.e. special days you show each other how much you care. Have you talked to her about any of this? If you’re married, I’m assuming you’ve known each other for some time and have a history of being vocal about your concerns, but you don’t mention any of this. If you haven’t already, talk to her about your feelings without attacking her- tell her plainly how you feel about her actions and how they make you feel.
well i wouldnt get too worked up about the gifts.
she may not be showing much appreciation but you shouldnt compare what you buy or spend etc.
i go all out for my hubby on his birthday and xmas etc and he usually gets me flowers (which i love) and perfume…
he isnt a great gift giver whereas i actually sit there and think really hard about what would blow his mind.
i dont hold it against him or ever let him feel bad.
valentines day though, we both really dont believe in it…. its all a marketing scam.
i actually think its more of a girly thing though where the girl gets flowers and the guy doesnt get a gift… but thats just me.
i understand that the real issue is communication and i think that you really neeed to find a way to open up to her and let her know how you feel.
why dont you plan a weekend getaway so you are both away from the distractions of everyday life and you can tell her that you want to talk to her but you dont want her to think that you are attacking her or whining.
tell her that its really important that you speak your mind and be heard.
or you could write it in a letter and let her read it and talk to you when she has had time to let it all sink in and think about her responses…..
i hope it all works out for you!!! good luck.
I always have such a hard time buying gifts for my husband because he is so picky and i dont want to waist money. Isnt it suposed to be the thought that counts? You should try talking (calmly) to her with out trying to place the blame one her. Tell her how you feel and let her tell you how she feels. Dont just say Hey do u not want 2 be with me anymore? cause thats just stupid. Tell her that u love her before u say anything else. Good Luck!!!!
I think it is great you buy her expensive gifts but I think more simpler ones would do the trick, for either of you. An expensive gift is nice, but not necessary. As for Valentine’s Day, I can see why you are hurt. Is your wife depressed or under a larger than usual amount of stress right now? Children? There could be so many reasons why you fighting about stuff. Have you ever tried telling your wife what you expect from her? If you haven’t then she doesn’t know. She might not find anything wrong with the gifts she has gotten you. One partner cannot read the others mind. You need to speak with her about this intimacy problem, tell her how much it is bothering you without making any demands or talking about serious changes. Try being intimate shortly afterwards. If this doesn’t work let her know how serious you are. Tell her you are considering a divorce because you don’t know what else to do.
Dude, totally understand where you are coming from with this. If sounds like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Your wife sounds like she is going through some sort of funk. Really to be fair about it, I’d need more information to really give you the kind of answer you are searching for. I just got out of a relationship just about like yours. We too didn’t communicate all that much. She seemed distance about most subjects I’d try to speak to her about. Ultimately, It’s better we are apart. It’s hard for me to tell you that you may also be better off without her with the limited amount of information you provide. But that is a real possibility. You can’t make someone be in a relationship with you. She has to hold up her side of the deal. Good luck.
1. Has anything happened that has made your wife so, uh, b***cy? When did the breakdown in communication begin? Problems at work? Health issues? Finances? What?
2. What was it about her that made you want to marry her? Is there any of that left where you can rebuild your relationship?
3. Do you love her? Do you want to work it out? Are you willing?
If you don’t, then there’s no point in going on. You will both just grow bitter and resentful. You may has well have happy lives totally and completely of each other.
But, if you’re not willing to throw in the towel, ask her if she wants to go to marriage counseling. If she wants to go, then go. If she doesn’t, file for a legal separation. If you don’t think she’s going to come around, then just end your marriage. When people are in attack mode, they’re generally unhappy with themselves or insecure. If you were such an awful husband, she’d have been gone a long time ago. I guess the bottom line is when will enough be enough for you. Ask yourself if there’s anything good, or potentially good, about staying in the relationship.
Honey, I think this relationship skipped the gutter and headed straight for the ditch. I agree that the relationship lacks communication skills, but aside from that, the list you gave was a little disturbing. Take away the emotion and you have a person giving gifts with expectations. That’s not love hon, that’s barter and trade. As you are learning, it’s not a great way to work through a relationship. But that’s where the communication needs to come in. IF you were a little more in tune with each other and actually appreciated each other, you’d realize that it’s not the gifts, it’s the fact that your significant other thought of you on those occassions. And if you truly know each other, the gifts get better because you are in tune with each other’s tastes and desires.
As far as the romance? I can’t believe you put up with that for 16 months. Six months is when you should have started to question the relationship and either work to get it back on track or move on…but sixteen months is a little too long. It shows that neither one of you are really that committed to each other to give a darn. And if that is how it is, do you really want to spend another 16 months receiving crappy gifts and being verbally attacked? I know I wouldn’t. Life’s too short for that.
Yes, communication is one of the biggest factors why marriages don’t work. You have to keep the communication gap open. If you both want to try and make it work; I think you both do, then definitely go to counseling. They will teach you how to communicate. Sometimes it is not what you say, it is how you say it.
Recommend a book called love languages.
Some people aren’t into gifts.
Some people aren’t into being bought.
Ask her what she wants!
Kick her out and call me.
If you have already tried to voice your opinion, than I would talk to her about getting marriage counseling, and if that fails, then I would end it. Why be so unhappy? and Why waste time on someone who obviously doesn’t want to waste her time on you?