I need help to save my marriage…?
My husband and I have a wonderful marriage with one big problem. We will be married 3 years in a few months and together 5 years total. This has always been a problem, and seems to be getting worse with time instead of better. I have 4 children from my first marriage and he has 3. I have very definate opinions on how children should be raised, as I have "been there, done that" so to say. His children are much younger than mine and are being raised in a questionable home enviorment with their mom. When they come for a weekend, week or summer visit, our marriage goes to hell. The kids just left after a week stay and I am still seething over an incident that happened Friday. I am still so angry it is making me physically ill. There is a small part of me that realizes maybe they just don’t know better because of how they are being raised, but after 5 years shouldn’t something click that better behavior is expected at my house? For only the 2nd time ever I am thinking maybe divorce will be the only solution. The last time was over his kids also when they came for the summer. I hate to throw away a perfectly good relationship over some little ingrates, but there it is. In his mind our biggest problem is I am too strict and I do not get over anger easily. Like I said latest problem happened Friday, it is Monday and I am still just as angry as I was 3 days ago. And will STILL be angry when they come again on Friday for the weekend visit. This will make for a horrible visit, and he will most likely cancel (YEAH) in order to save them from dealing with me. He gets along great with my kids, and is a wonderful step-dad, I just can’t pretend the way they are being raised is OK. And I will not change the rules when they come to visit to make the house rules equal. What does that say to my kids? I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to go home from work, because I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Any advice?
Actually we had great communication before our marriage. We decided TOGETHER what the house rules would be for ALL children. His just don’t behave. And I am sure as one person said they are rewrded for making me miserable. Mommy dearest used to tell them as they got into the car for a visit that they didn’t have to listen to me. Who knows maybe she still does. Whatever else she holds alot of power over the kids. I can fold on running in the house and other minor things. The things I fight with the kids about are Lying, flushing the toilet and washing hands when done (EWW GROSS), not eating what I prepare for dinner, and NEVER cleaning their rooms. Hubby unfourtunately has a work schedule that sometimes opposes his weekend visits. So for the next 3 months when they come for the weekend he will be workin 6a-6p and the ex won’t switch so he can have them his off weekends. SO I AM STUCK BABYSITTING a bunch of ingrates. So there it is, how I have come to truly feel.
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Tagged with: 3 years • amp • anger • Definate • divorce • enviorment • good relationship • hell • Help Marriage • ingrates • last time • marriage • mom • step dad • wonderful marriage
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Being a step parent is never easy. There is no way it will be anything other than grief. I am just glad after 13 years my 2 step idiots are old enough and on their own and I never have to have any dealings with them. It is is there nature to play parents against each other and they will use it to there full advantage. Just be patient. And set agreed on rules for the house. And just put it all on your spouse to correct it when they act up. I put my foot down and said it was either that way or I am gone. And the last 2 years was a lot better.
You must talk about it and AGREE on how to raise / discipline them
If you need a 3rd party to assist – do it. – Or go to a parenting class TOGETHER.
If this is the only problem, and you both want to solve it – it can be done.
you can’t blame him for the way his ex raises the kids so don’t take it out on him. they are gone now,get over it but have a long talk with him before they come to visit again and lay down some ground rules. good luck
Let me be frank with you…Who are you to judge his ex? Do you live with her? Didn’t think so…I’d bet you and your kids aren’t perfect either so cut the crap…
Yes, you and your husband are free to set the house rules and expectations (and write them and post them where EVERYONE can see them) so that all the children – ALL – understand what you expect. Sure! Why not? But to expect those kids to visit on weekends and know your routine and become changed children for 3 days a week – not going to happen.
Acceptance. You need to practice that here…
If you can’t make your own changes to adapt – start with marital counseling and go from there…
You need an open discussion with your husband. Lay out in detail how you expect his kids to behave and then give a listen to what he has to answer you. Then – and I know this will be difficult for you – give in to some of your objection but then insist on the "minimum" behavior that you can accept. Yes, this will not be perfect but it should show you the way on how to compromise when you have disagreements. Check out my "source" for more info on how to raise kids.
sounds like you guys didn’t have good communication before you got married as to how children should be raised. I realize that his children live with their mom during the week, but maybe you guys should talk about working together to enforce certain behavioural expectations when they are at your house. If he can not or will not help you enforce it, then maybe you should take a short vacation with your kids the weekend his kids are supposed to visit, allowing him to put up with their questionable behaviour. That way he can see that your thoughts of raising could possibly make sense. There is no way that you can raise and teach someone else’s kids on your own. You need his support, and why he’s not giving it to you, is upsetting.
Hon I’m really sorry you have to go through this. Having children from one side is tough enough but your dealing with it from both sides. My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage (me none) and at their mothers house things are very different then our house. You need to first stop and realize that if they are young things might not set in as fast as you want. You understand there is a difference but they don’t. If that was the second time you thought about divorce then it might be the best… you’ve already thought about it once and what made you come out of that believe it wasn’t the best idea. Look you are in a very very tough and almost impossible situation. So their for if you love him and love the life you have together don’t end it over this. I know what your thinking "I can’t take it anymore!" I know but would you rather but a little unhappy in your current situation or be miserable without him. You might was to think about having a family meeting… you, him, your kids and his kids. You all sit down and discuss what ever needs to be discussed. There might be other issues around that you are not aware of due to being so angry. A line needs to be drawn as to how they are to behave in your home. That is the first thing that needs to happen. Good luck!
Making him choose between you and his kids is cruel…I agree that those kids need to switch to house rules when there . hubby needs to back you on that ? but won’t? hmmmmm….divorce ? no don’t let the brats win they probably lose sleep thinking up ways to play you two against each other .
insist he take a motel with his children and enjoy them with no rules …..they are not welcome unless they abide by your rules in your home . Or he can go to them …don’t make it easy for him not to make his kids do the right thing .
Could this also be that the children are rewarded for acting this way while in their father’s house??
I would suggest taking the high road as it seems this is more an issue between your husband and his ex. The children do need to know that such actions will not be tolerated. You and your husband should come together on dealing with this appropriately…. In the link provided is a book called "Beyond the High Road" and costs only a little more than $10
Working on saving a marriage is a daunting task. Not to mention the stress of dealing with the distance between you and your partner as well as dealing with the emotional aspects of everyone involved.
I am in a similar situation except with no kids of my own. From the beginning, my husband and I agreed on how we want to raise his boys and our future children. Basic rules of good hygiene, manners, and etiquette are taught and enforced consistently when they visit with us. The boys have been very responsive to repetitive (used to drive me nuts!) reminding. We are not sure what they are being taught at their mother\’s house other than eating fast food, playing video games, and watching inappropriate movies for their age (blood & gore movies for a 9 and 4 yr. old? really?) Do not give up on those kids. It will take constant repetitive reminding and reinforcement for them to learn what is expected of them at your house. Please try to empathize with the confusion those kids must be living with on a daily basis. Talk to your husband and reaffirm the basic house rules and the consequences for not following those rules. He needs to support you and you need to remain patient and flexible should the kids slip up at times. Creating a hostile environment for them is not the answer to anyone\’s happiness.