I cheated on my husband and want him to come home what is the best way to win his trust back.?
I know ppl are gonna have some mean things to say cause I know what I did was horrible, but I honestly love my husband and want him back. I cheated once and told him the very next day cause I couldn’t live with the lie. It was with an old flame that I hadn’t seen in several years. I just got caught up in the moment. It was nice to feel wanted and not just like a wife and mom for awhile. Now I would give anything to feel like that wife amd mom again. My husband moved out and is now living back with his mom ((who tells him if he comes back she’s done with him)) We still talk and he says he loves me, but can’t come home right now. He wants space, but I am just afraid space will make it worse. Not to mention that i am gonna loose our house and everything else soon cause I can’t make it alone. Then what to we do if he deciedes he wants to come back. I dunno I am just so mad at myself and hate what i did to our family.
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Filed under: How To Get Him Back
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Go to marriage counseling. If your husband won’t go, go without him.
You can’t blame him for mistrusting you. How can you say it won’t happen again if you "get caught up in the moment" again?
To be honest, you sound a lot more sad about losing the house than about losing your husband. Sad.
Take everything you just wrote and go tell him to his face. You sound sincere.
My best advice? Don’t cheat on people, and you won’t have to go through this. I’m sorry, but I have no sympathy for you; it’s your husband that I feel sorry for.
Okay just dont get him back, Live ur life free lol j/k idk
give him his space…if you try to push it then its only gonna make things way worse…only time will tell if he wants to come back to you or not!!!
Too late. You should have kept your legs shut and thought about the consequences of your actions.
Well what happens if you get caught up in the moment again????????
Trust is earned – not given.
gee idk…..DON’T CHEAT ON HIM!!!!
if you love him then dont break his heart….if he cheated on you would you leave him??? think bout it
Tell him what you said here, you sound like you’ve learned your lesson, tell him as much.
i agree with the above comment
buy a chastity belt and give him the key… of course you have to wear it!!!
All you can do is ask him for forgiveness and let him have his space. He is a man and has to work through this. You have to realize you took not only his trust but, he has to deal with the fact you were with another man. Hard pill to swallow. Keep being a mom and, maybe ask him if he is willing to go to marriage counseling. You messed up and you owed up to it which a lot of people don’t.
Well…How would you feel if he did that to you? Especially with and old flame!
I think he has every right to need space…and his mom is also right for not wanting him to go back to you!
allow him to cheat on you. Better if with a younger member of your family. Your best friend works too.
Give him the space
why dont you tell him how mad at yourself you are and how much you hate what you did to your family… but also tell him that he needs to make a decision as far as your relationship is concerned because you are afraid you will lose the house and if that happens he will have nothing to come back to. you need to not blame him for what you did but at the same time you will need marriage counseling for your wife/mother issues!
I dont feel for you at all and i hope he never comes back. I hope he finds someone who appreciates him always..and not just when they mess up.
That was dumb !
It was dumber to say something !
Hope it was good, cause you’re hubby is never coming back !
you got yourself into this mess, and your right we should be saying mean things cause that is F’d up what you did. I just dont understand why women cant realize what they have. If i was him youd be out of my life forever. of course he still loves you cause love doesnt just go away but he should realize that you betrayed him and not come back. You should live with that punishment of not having him back.
If you truly and honestly love your husband, ask him to meet you some place where just the two of you can talk. You have to realize the one thing that he loved more than life cheated on him, and that’s killing him. You are going to have to fight to win back his approval. I can’t tell you exactly what it is that will win him back, but knowing that he still loves you is a start. If you and your husband get back together. I pray that you will have better judgment next time the thought of cheating comes to mind. Good Luck and God Bless.
wow good luck with that. definitely give him his space and time. if he really loves you then he will come back in his own time only if your love is sincere and your intentions were harmless. do whatever you have to do for him. still, poor decisions on your behalf.
What the heck is wrong with you?
Marriage is a commitment, and "caught up in the moment" is NOT an excuse. You should be able to control yourself, knowing you have a loving faithful man waiting for you at home. You committed the ultimate sin, and he does need his space because he really needs to weigh this situation out.
I would never be able to forgive my husband if he did this to me. Our marriage is a commitment to each other, and that our bodies are committed to each other.
Horrible.
No I’m sorry your husband will be better off without you, If my partner did that to me I would never forgive her as I would never cheat on her. I suggest you give your old flame a call you obviously like him alot.
You might want to consider seeking some marriage counseling with him. Regaining trust in someone takes time and you can’t expect to just say you are sorry and it be done with. He needs to heal. If he doesn’t come back then you need to understand that he couldn’t handle the thought of you with another man. Some people just can’t get past that kind of betrayal. He should still be supporting his kids though and you may have to ask him to contribute financially for your children’s sake.
you sound really sorry about the whole situation, you should tell him what you wrote and tell him that if he just wants space and u lose the house what happens then?? he wouldn’t want to come back prolly then……i think you two can work it out, but it might take a little bit of time..
This is a difficult situation with no easy answer. I would respect the fact that he would rather be away from you to sort things out. He is obviously very hurt, feels betrayed and angry. Losing the house is just the tip of the iceberg, you’re losing a family.
For starters, I would seek emotional support from your friends and family, possibly a therapist to keep you emotionally healthy. I think it would be a good idea for the both of you to see one; this way, if you decide to part, at least you’ll be level-headed.
You’re initial question was: How can I win his trust back?
That’s just it, your marriage was never a game and trust is like that. We spend a lifetime gaining it, only to lose it in one instance.
Try glueing your knees shut.
You don’t deserve to get him back.
First thing… tell your husband that you can’t afford the house on your own and he needs to chip in on the payment. Losing the house won’t help either of you. If you both decide to seperate and least you can sell the house.
Nothing you can do today, tomorrow… or the next day what has already been done. It’s obviously going to take time. An over time you need to build trust and show him that you really are sorry.
But whatever you do don’t lose the house.
The hardest part was to admit ur mistake, and it takes alot of gut to put ur story out there. I completely understand what u and ur husband are going thru. Trust that time heals all wounds. Give ur husband some time and space, let him think it thru. It’s good that u are still talking, and he needs to hear everything that u just told us (regarding the house, etc). He needs to forgive and forget in order to come back; otherwise ur life would be miserable in the future b/c he wouldn’t be able to get over what u did. He can still help u w/ the house and the kids while he’s away. He needs to talk to his mom to also give him some space so she wouldn’t influence his decision making process. I don’t think she wants her son to be unhappy. U need to forgive urself as well. Learn from the mistake and go on. Pray for the best. Good luck…
I won’t say a mean thing to you because that is precisely what you don’t need. You need forgiveness, from your husband and from yourself.
Consider how you would feel if it were the other way around – then try and feel empathy for your husband. Understand that he may have trouble trusting you – hopefully he won’t fire it into your face whenever you talk or argue but that is something that may occur.
Why is his mother so "nasty" to him? Anyway, tell him that you still love him, you acknowledge that you hurt him and want to make it work between the two of you. Give him time. Make sure that you never allow yourself to be caught in a similar situation again.
Ask him to continue to help with the bills/mortgage etc.
I wish all the best for you and that things will work out.
Someone said that trust is earned not given…that is not completely accurate. When we marry or date, we do give our trust but if trust is broken then it must be earned back.
Only time, honesty, and true repentance will will his trust back. Give him the space and let him know that you will be there for him and only him when he decides. Support him in this and understand what he is going through. Try not to push him or give him ultimatums.
I am not being mean but it was a terrible thing to do and If my husband did that to me I would not take him back. It’s just a matter of trust and what I am willing to live with and that isn’t one of them. I’d never trust him again. The only way I see it working is id you go to some kind of sounseling, church, or professional marriage counselor or something that can help you both sort out your feelings and how to get abck on track, if possible. Losing your house and everything also affects him and his credit and his good name…you aren’t suffering alone. You need to beg him, promise to get help and you will have to live with his rulse of being untrustworthy of you for as long as it takes and that may be for a v ery, very long time. That will be hard to do but, you did it and you will have to pay if he does take you back. Just tell him how you feel, promise to tow the line and give him all the cards for as long as he needs them. Good luck. It can work but it won’t be easy or ever the same. Sorry.
Sometimes a decision made "in the heat of the moment" can do irrepairable damage. Since this was your only time, I hope your husband will forgive you, but it will take time and you will have to earn the trust back. His mother should stay out of whatever decisions the 2 of you make…you and he are adults so she has no involvement. As for losing the house…that may be sometihing you have to face. Move to an apt or something you can afford. You can’t expect your hurt husband to move back now just to keep the finances straight. Once you get this all behind you…make sure you remember how wonderful it is to be a wife and mom…and how one mistake can ruin more lives than just your own. I wish you the best because I really believe you’re sincerely sorry for what happened. To anyone else out there…if you screw up and it’s only once…learn to live with the guilt and not destroy your family by admitting the truth. If you learn from a mistake, it becomes a lesson.
explain to him that ur gonna be lossin the house, that u and ur kid(S) live in… and ask him to move back in with u *if only as a roomate* explain to him that he can have his space, take his time… and give it to him if he dose come back… treat him like a roomate dont see anyone in the mean time… even if he is…. dont get to close to ur male friends if he comes back as a roomate ~just push the "for our children i need you to be around" thing~…. and i sugesst dont talk to ur ex again, its hard at 1st but it’ll be ok…
this is such a complicated problem that not many people know just what to do(noy saying I do, just trying to give advice). I believe that what you did was wrong. Though, to make sure it doesn’t happen again I would try and find the real root of the problem. Why did you cheat in the first place? Why aren’t you content to be the mother of your child, the love of your husbands life? I know you have probaly been asking yourself these questions and wondering why. Search yourself, figure out what these feelings your having are real. Now for the problem with your husband, first is that you have to get him talking to you. If he is refusing then let him cool down. Tell him you are sorry and you need and want him back. You love him. You can’t keep living without him. Tell him what you have told the people on yahoo. Mabey he’ll see your sincerity like we do.
And please ignore all these jerks insulting you and calling you names. They have probaly made mistakes just as big and don’t want to admit it. What you need now is support from friends family.
well telling him was selfish it made you feel better but it probly crushed him. and so was cheating made you feel good but ruined your marriage . expecting him to come back is sadly also selfish , now he has to swallow his pride and accept you back . the only thing he can do now to keep his ego is to leave you and stay away. if he lets you cheat on him and comes back hes not a man even if he dosen’t know it. you should learn to be less selfish and maybe when he sees that your not the same woman he can take you back . but the old you has to go. how old are you? im not tryign to be mean in saying any of this but it really makes me mad now your kids got no dad.
Ummm… yea… you’re screwed. Good job woman. Hopefully your "husband" is a smart man and drops you. You did the action now you gotta take it up the bum for it. Congratulations, you’re a wife and motherly hore. (I spelled that wrong on purpose). Why do you even wanna be with him now? You got a new guy, be with him since you are willing to open up your legs for him, it seems that he can f**k a lot better than your husband. So you might as well go with that other guy now b/c if your husband is smart, he’ll say those lovely 4 words and after than you can have that other guy pound you in between your legs all you want while you’re soon to be ex-husband is drinking away the pain in a bar and then goes home to hang himself cause he married a S-L-U-T!
Well if you really love him…leave him alone…he deserves someone that respects him enough to NEVER do what you did to him. There is NO WAY to ever get his trust back because as soon as he touches you what do you think will come to mind? Do you want to stay with someone who will never see you the same again. Just suck it up and deal with the fact that you ruined something sacred..and that he could probably never get close to you again without wanting to vomit thinking about someone else touching someone that was supposed to be his forever. I feel for him and your kids….and obviously at some point in time they were the last thing on your mind….it’s somethign that you are just going to have to deal with.
"He wants space" means his lawyer advises him against seeing you. You have already blown it and apparently instead of blaming your husband for pushing you into the arms of another man, you took responsibility for your actions. This really freaks me out! You are a very mature woman to take responsibility for you actions, yet, you immaturely cheated. Major conflict! Odd set of circumstances. I would say that you had better get a hold of his parents and talk to them. Will you be able to turn their anger, probably not, but, still it’s really your only hope. If you can prove to them that you can be trusted, you will get your husband back. Know this! If I had to advise your husband, I would advise him to divorce you, get the kids, house, and basically everything, on the grounds of infidelity. And then never let you come back! Just thought you should know, cheating is unacceptable!
why do some of you say they both need counseling? She not only needs counseling (alone!) but needs to see a shrink as well.There is no excuse for what she did.She says she got caught up in a moment,Well life is comprised of millions of moments and it can happen again.
You make his mom sound like the wicked witch of the west but sweetheart that is her son.How do you expect her to act?
I am also disturbed that you mention the words "losing the house."
What bothers you more? Losing what you have or losing him? How can you even worry about the house more than him?
You are an adult,you made your bed now sleep in it.Was it worth it? Do you feel like a tramp? I hope so because you are.
I have a question for some of you wo said to ask him to move in and share expenses or even had the audasity to say to ask him to continue to support the house,Where is this his responsibilty? He has an obligatio to the kids because he is there father but he does not have the obligation to support her.She should move in with her parents and let him take over the house and kids for a while.She should work and pay part of the bills to the house she won’t be staying in.She created the situation not him.The whole damn world thinks men should always get the short end of the stick and it sickens me.
Let’s change this scenario: If your husband had asked "What should I do, my wife cheated on my. She told me that the day before she got with an old flame that she hadn’t seen in several years. She got caught up in the moment. She just wanted to feel like a woman and not like a wife or mom. Now she wants me to stay and is worried how she wants me to stay. She’s misses being a wife and mom and is worried about losing the house." I would suggest that he leave you because once a cheater always a cheater. And worst, now she’s still only worried about her feelings, such as missing how it feels to be a Mom or a Wife, and worrying about finances all alone. What are you Sat – Thurs Guy, and on Fridays she needs to feel like a woman? What you can’t make her feel like a whore or a slut? Come on an open your eyes and do the right thing.
Now that I’m done being mean, I hope you can see where the issues are: To win your husband back under these circumstances you should try to court him. If you do write or say something–let it be about him. Make him the reason you want your marriage to work–not money or your feelings. Definetly don’t mention that you wanted to feel like a woman, as this by itself can be hurtful, and the connection is that you don’t feel like a man.
Try writing him a letter at work (not to his Mom’s house where she can intercept them). Try to arrange short meetings at places that have meaning in your relationship. Try not to use sex–(marriage isn’t really about sex anyways). Try to talk to him and engage him in a new relationship.
When a man cheats on his wife he doesn’t offer his wife sex (not that you have). He tries to cry out in a romantic and meaningful way. Men can and do respond to these measures just as much as women do. Try sending him flowers at his work, or even going there with something he enjoys eating and leaving it for him. Don’t go into a speel or look desperate. Just look like an attentive wife. At work many people probably don’t know, so do the things that might make his coworkers say–"that was nice".
If that doesnt’ work, or you feel that’s not gonna work–just wait. And wait and wait.
What you did was very hurtful and very wrong.Too bad you got "caught up in the moment,"
Gaining back his trust certainly won’t happen overnight.Put yourself in his place if the situation were reversed.
I can understand his mom’s feeling towards you.Mothers are always very protective of their children,no matter how old they are.You would feel the same about yours if it happened to your child.Don’t be angry with her for that.
He should be helping you with the house payments and other bills you have together till you get this settled.You should talk to him about that as it will affect him too if you were to lose everything.I’m sure he wouldn’t want that.
You need to go for help from a marriage counsellor or some professional.Ask him to go with you.If he won’t,then go alone.It’s good you’re aware of how terribly wrong you were to do this to him and your family.However,you have to get over being angry at yourself and start to heal.You can’t undo what you’ve done so it’s best to move ahead and try to have your husband gain faith in you again and get your life back.Seeking help would be a good start.
All your words and actions will be a test of how sorry you are and that you want to make amends.He’ll be watching and listening to what you have to say.
Give him the space he needs right now and pray for the best.Maybe invite him out on a date so you can talk.
Good Luck and all the best to both.
honestly, i’ve been cheated on and the cheater before. it make some time for your husband to decide what to do, but if he comes back it needs to be for you guys and not just for the kids, but on the flipside, its a consequence of what you did. my wife and kids left for a WHOLE MONTH before we were able to work things out between us. even though she came back she still doesn’t trust me. she thinks that every new person i meet is the next one. you may go thru the same thing with your husband if he comes back so beware the consequences. don’t worry what his family thinks, it what he thinks that matters.
are you a man or a woman ???????
the last question you said my wife cheated !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, what a mess. I feel for you. It’s an easy thing for some people to cross that line and one thing leads to another and bam! your whole life is all messed up.
I’m not sure you can do anything to win his trust back right away. There is nothing you can say or do that will repair that. It takes years to build trust and only a few minutes to destroy it.
Your husband must feel very angry and betrayed. He’s probably feeling a lot of the same things that you are feeling. But his orientation on this is different than yours. He sees you as the cause of his hurt and anger. I suppose the fact that he’s still talking to you is a good sign.
As for his mother, that’s not part of the equation. Any man who would let his mother tell him what to do isn’t much of a man. But I’ll cut him some slack becuase he’s just been dealt a nasty blow.
Please remember that wives and mothers are quite wanted, even in hot, steamy, sexual ways. Any man worth having would still find you appealing even after having children. If you get him back, you need to work on ways to enhance your relationship so that outside things won’t be quite so appealing.
I can understand him wanting space. I would too if I were him. Space might make things worse but this might have to get worse before it gets better. As for losing the house, that would be bad for both of you. So you should really be talking about how you can protect your mutual interests whether you stay together or not.
You need to work through your own guilt around this. If you don’t then this matter will have a life all its own and you’ll keep it alive. Forgiveness is for him and for you. You must begin by forgiving yourself.
Give your husband the time and space he needs. He doesn’t need a lot of pressure from you right now. Your negotiating position is a bit weak right now so don’t push your luck.
As for telling him, I’m not sure why you did that. It was your mistake and you should have lived with the pain of it. You transferred your pain onto him and I don’t think that was right. Now you feel better because you got this off your chest but now he’s got the full weight of it. If it was a simple act of indiscretion and you knew it would never happen again, I’m not sure that it needed to be disclosed. I think that living with this stuff is punishment enough.
You need to be there for your child(ren). They’ll know that something is up no matter how old they are. Focus on them for right now. Write something for your husband and then read it the next day. Revise it for a few days until you have all your thoughts out. Then cut out anything that you wouldn’t want him to see 20 years from now because he may keep the letter. Also be careful what you say in writing because it could be used against you in a divorce if he really wants to play dirty.
I feel for your husband though. I think it would be hard to get past this. I imagine he would be wondering what was wrong with him or why he wasn’t enough for you. This can’t feel very good for him.
Of course he still loves you. This wouldn’t blot out any good feelings he might have for you. But this is damage that will take years to repair. Take it slow. Be patient. You’re in a tough spot because you’re not in control here. All you can do is try to influence things into the direction you want them to go but ultimately, you are at the mercy of your husband’s feelings and resulting choices.
Make sure he knows that you’re available to talk any time. Be there but don’t bug the man. Men need to hide out when they get hit with something like this. You can make yourself available without being pushy or intrusive. Make sure he knows how bad you feel and how much you understand the damage you’ve done to him and to your family. Maybe your letter should never be sent and you can just use it to organize your thoughts for when you two sit down and talk.
Find a marriage counselor and start going with or without your husband. I suggest you look into John Gottman’s information on marriage and find a therapist who is familiar with Gottman’s style of therapy. Gottman has done research on infidelity and has some helpful things to say about it. He claims that using his methods, most couples can recover from infidelity.
Most of all, take good care of yourself. Get proper rest, eat good foods, take vitamins, get exercise and find a babysitter here and there to give yourself little alone time. The last thing you need is to slide into a depression. You need to keep sharp and on top of things. Talk to your friends and get input.
Hang in there. I know you must be kicking yourself but one way or another, you’ll move past this. Life goes on. Take care of those kids.
Good luck to you.
I’ve recently been put in your husband’s position. I had been with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years. We lived together for 3 years, moved across the country together to a new city where we didn’t know a single person, got jobs together, and then a couple months ago, I found out that the one weekend she was back home visiting, she had sex with someone. She has since then done nothing other than do everything she can to tell and show me that she loves me, wants to be with me, and that it won’t happen again. I don’t know that it will be enough. I’m both giving her a chance and going to be seeing other people, and she’s going to have to live with it, be extremely patient with me and wait for me if she wants to be with me again. You have to understand that the hurt from this requires a type of proof of love that you have probably never thought of before in your life.
The best advive I have for you is to show him how much he means to you in THE way that he needs you to. This requires knowing him inside and out. Here’s a good place to start. First, you have to go around to all of his friends and family and CONVINCE THEM that you want to be with him for good and that he should take you back. So what if his mother says she’s done with him if he goes back. They’re only words. People say things and change their mind all of the time. You need to think out of the box for this to work. That includes doing things that you think will accomplish your goal of getting him back even if other people tell you not to (including him…again…they’re only words). Think about it though. You’ve embarrassed him beyond reason in front of his family and friends, and you need to be willing to throw your dignity aside for him since you’ve already thrown his aside. You have to show him that you know what you did was a mistake and you need to show his friends and family that you are someone he can trust and someone he should be with. That means doing whatever you have to do to talk to everyone, his mom included, and completely convincing them that him coming back to you is the right thing for him to do because of how much you want him in your life. Do what you need to do to accomplish this. It is vital. He can’t come back to you if you don’t convince them.
Remember as you try to get him back that he is going to flip flop with moods and what he thinks about things constantly. He may say he loves you one second and hate you another. He may say he wants to come back one minute and do a 180 another minute. He may sleep with other people as a way of building up his defeated self esteem, and he may do or say things that insult you to the core. To show him you love him unconditionally, you have to put up with all of it. You have to be completely selfless. When I say put up with all of it, I don’t mean be passive and hold back the things you think because then you’ll just end up resenting him, and nothing will be accomplished. You need to talk to him about everything openly though. Actually feel his pain. Come up with solutions to the problems he has with how things are going. Be on the ball for everything. Be willing to put up with it for years if it takes years to get past.
To recap:
He needs to feel comfortable going out in public with you and running into people that know what you did to him. Some of them will always judge him if he stays with you. That’s reeping what you sow. You need to do everything you can to help that not be the case though.
You need to be honest with him about what you think (a single lie can set you back months). You need to be patient with him, and you need to stay 2 steps ahead of him and be willing to be there for him and with him however you can.