How do I tell my husband, again that I’m not IN LOVE with him?
We’ve been together for 7 years, we have 3 children 51/2, 4, and 3. I’ve haven’t felt "in love" with him since before the birth of our 3rd child. I’ve told him this before, we’re trying to work it out. I thought it was working but I still don’t feel like I can fall back in love with him. I have trouble kissing him, we barely have sex and the only thing we seem to talk about is the children. I have cheated on him in the past although he doesnt know. We have a beautiful house and 2 nice vehicles. I don’t want to loose that but I can’t move out and neither can he. I’m just so unhappy almost depressed about the situation. My parents don’t agree, my husband thinks I’m playing mind games with him but I’ve been honest with everyone (except the cheating part, but that was the past.) Do I just suck it up for the kids and continue being unhappy or say it again and mean it that I’m done and loose everything I’ve worked for?
We make a great family but not a couple. It’s really hard to know and deal with the fact that I’m not sexually into my husband when a normal couple should be. HELP!
I’m not worried about the house, Its that I created a place for my children to grow and I don’t want to take that away from them.
BTW – we dated 2 months before I got pregnant with our son.
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Tagged with: 3rd child • Fall 98 • Kissing • love quot • mind games • parents • playing games
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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It seems like you’ve just about decided to give up on your relationship with him, that you feel you’ll never be able to recover any romantic, loving feelings.
Can you remember what you loved about him before, what prompted you to marry him? Has that changed, or have you just forgotten what attracted you in the beginning? If whatever that is, is still there, then try concentrating on those aspects of your relationship, finding a way to bring them out more. It’s always easier said than done, but if you don’t want to lose the life you’ve developed together, it’s worth trying. If it was his sense of humor, try listening more when he’s talking, pick up on his humor. If it was his looks, then spend a bit more time appreciating them. If it was his personality in general, again, try noticing his personality, ho9w nice it is … etc.
If what attracted you in the first place is no longer there, has changed, then THAT’s what you need to focus on with him, explaining what it was and that it’s no longer there, and that you’d like it back. He probably doesn’t realize it’s gone.
I hope you are able to work it all out in a way that will allow you to have a wonderful rest-of-your-life.
well there are ways that you can tell him without hurting him
The problems with you give me his e-mail and I will tell him everthing
if you are not in love with him.. y u r worried to break his heart , r u scared of him…
I guess his Marriage Vows just won’t let him take no for an answer!
you know, everyone goes through cycles. your feeling what all people go through, give it time. get some counseling, include your husband if he is willing. I wish you much luck!
dont continue being unhappy,you have a right to be happy too.
Sounds like it’s time to move on. You don’t lose everything, it get’s split up between you. House sold if need be. Life goes on and you’ll survive it. Why be unhappy.
See a good marriage counsler.
have you tried counceling?
Have you sat down and thought about what made you fall in love with your husband in the first place??? Sometimes it isnt our mate that we dont love but ourselves. You may just not be happy about you, or where your life is at this moment. If it is that you have fallen out of love with him….perhaps try some couples therapy before throwing in the towel. Remember, the grass is not always greener so dont go and do something you may regret later on.
I was in an abusive marriage and my feelings for my husband were changed and I knew not only that I didn’t love him, but I hated him and I didn’t want to change how I felt – I wanted to hate him for what he had done to me. I know how you feel about losing your "stuff". I walked away from house, two cars, boat, et al. I have been single now for 20 years this fall and I don’t regret one moment of it. I have only one child and the support of my family, but I always worked and put good food on the table, clothes on my son’s back, a roof over our heads and we managed a cheap tenting vacation every year while he was younger.
Is your sanity worth the "stuff"? You decide.
u have to tell him the truth about everything and take the consequences /there is really no easy way
my wife told me the same thing and it hurted but at least i know the truth
the two cars and the house are material stuff only/ you need to find happiness and affection
Why did you have 3 children with him? And you admit that you cheated and that you’re only staying with him because of the house and cars? That makes you a scumbag. There are women who would love to have your life but you don’t deserve it. Do something halfway decent and leave.
YOU MIGHT HAVE POST PAR DOM DEPRESSION ..HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF GETTING SOME COUNSELING ..ALSO LIFE IS VERY SHORT ..YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ..SOMETIMES YOU FALL OUT OF LOVE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO…HOPE THIS HELPS YOU…
give me his contact details and i will break the "good" news to him. He is being waiting for a long time to hear this so he cud have a nice lyfe with his assistant at his job
You and I will have an affair and I will tell him.
not all couples have a good sex life! but if ya dont love him then its over you cant just give your self excuses cause you like the things you have in the relationship, sounds like the frase have my cake and eat it to, by law the house would have to be sold and the proceeds after payin it off would be split, there isnt gettin to keep any more, also in the end you all and children suffer if not happy, you need to sit down and explain as you did here and get it over with but be careful of what you wish for you mite change mind later,
You are not doing anyone in this situation a favor by being dishonest and staying where you are no longer happy. If you don’t think that counseling or a change of heart will help, then you need to work on getting things together for a life of your own away from your husband. You should never stay because of the children. Having two parents apart happy are better than having two miserable ones together.
Why don’t you just tell him the truth? There’s no sense living together if you’re miserable with him. Then, suck it up and move out of the house and get a job or two. What’s the use of having a nice house and nice vehicles if you’re so unhappy. It’s better to not have those nice material things and be happy, than have all those stuff and be miserable for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, it does just seem that you don’t want to lose the "things" you worked so had for. Yet, if you were the one that really did work for it how could you lose it?
You should never to to someone what you wouldn’t want done to you. If you are done then be done and let the poor man heal and move on. If you’re not going to do that then you really need to put ALOT more effort into learning to love him again. Seems the problem is with you.
FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. And maybe seek counseling.
I have been married for 7 years 2. I have 2 kids. I think you being worried about ur nice auto’s and ur house maybe says something about you. Also since you cheated on ur husband. I would strongly suggest you go and talk to someone! Maybe you should go alone or something. They say the 7th year of marriage either makes or breaks you. How can you not be in love with ur husband? He has given you 3 children? You made a promise to ur husband 7 years ago! When you started sharing ur life together! You should do ur darn est to be a woman and honor it! Get some help! Don’t give up so easy! You owe it to urself and ur family!
Leave this up on the computer for him to see. Forget about the physcal things that can be replaced and try to remember what attracted you in the first place. Try to get the two of you to re-live these experiences and see if it happens again. If he’s not up for that than prepare the children as you need to make some changes that should not be surprises to them. People in marriages should never stop dating each other. If your reading Mr. Husband throw some mystery and intrigue into her life again. Oh, you cheated, Mrs. Wife! Forget about him reading this. If he won’t get counceling with you, do it yourself for sure. You won’t get it here.
I do believe that kids benefit from having both parents be together. But if you are not happy can you live like this for the next 18 years? That is a big sacrifice. If you choose to end it you may loose your house and the lifestyle that you have. You have to decide what you want. Your kids will suffer if you do get a divorce. But they won’t have an unhappy mom anymore either.
You committed adultery and you fell out of love (which is just selfish crap to Begin with).
You should confess your affair, file for a divorce, leave ever thing behind and start a new life somewhere else. You are a terrible role-model to your children because you have a good man and you’re not willing to do the work that love requires. Your children have a FATHER that is a good role model and can provide for him.
For you to want to take anything from them, be involved (interfere) with their lives is WRONG. They are the honorable victims to your SELFISH behavior.
You are playing mind games, you just want to cop out on your responsibilities and go please that thing between your legs and act like a irresponsible teenager. That is SUPPOSE to be your Husband’s Job.
Are there any normal couples these days? You should be concerned with you & your kids well being. Kids can sense more than you give them credit, and they are all in their most impressionable ages now, so living in a loveless marriage will really effect them. Material things can always be replaced, but you only have one mind & life, so take care of them.
Make him wear a Brad Pitt mask when you make love. Actually I think your marriage is doomed because you don’t really want to be there. You are hurting him badly so you need to leave and make sure you don’t take the kids. You don’t deserve them.
I have met men and women who had the same situation. They say we have good partners, good kids, house and life but we don’t love our partners and we don’t want to leave because it is too costly for everyone.
My advise always is to focus on yourself and look for the things that you love about your husband. Cherish your family and don’t break it. You are supposed to be the protector and not the destroyer of you own loved ones. Try to be more specific on what is it exactly you don’t like about your husband and try to change it in the positive way with a big smile. It is also good to start a different activity outside the house for a change like join a club, classes, etc…
I completely understand what you are saying. I have cheated, and I can’t afford to live on my own with our two children.. Our whole lives revolve only around the kids. We are room mates, and our sex life is almost non-existant. I also tell him the way I feel with no results…
I think because he doesn’t hit me or scream at me, and he loves me, I should stay. I don’t know if that is how you are feeling or not. I think my family/friends would think I was an awful person if I left him, because he is a good provider and father, but what about my needs?
I don’t really have an answer for you, but I want you to know that you are not alone. Good luck to you!
you ,my dear are an idiot.you have 3 kids a good husband & go moping -oh dear ,i don`t love him ,but we are a great family.GROW UP you are responsible for your childern -you are to give them the chance at life they can have. if your "inner desire" isn`t satified it`s your own fault,yes, you are playing mind games with husband.a REAL woman would try to work on falling back in love with her husband,or even therapy -you fell in love once. dear abby ,once said marriage is what keeps 2 people together till they fall back in love..it`s true -set down, write out his good qualities in one column,his bad in another .then if i`m right suck it up, touch him alot .,hug him thank him for the good things he does-get out of your pity party for one.
well first you can not put a price tag on happiness. and staying together for the children is not good either, they sense and are adversely affected by stress in a unhappy relationship you as well as your husband deserve to be happy if you have tried to rekindle the feelings you once had and you still fill you are not in love with him then you need to take action for the better of all involved I stayed in a relationship for 15 yrs because i thought that it was the right thing to do my wife divorced me and told me she never loved me. i wished you would of told me from the beginning.
I guess that he takes his marriage vows seriously. Too bad he is the only one.
People will tell you that "you have a right to be happy." Well, so do your children and husband. They’re happiness, though, includes you. Don’t you think you owe them a little bit more than "I just don’t LOVE him anymore?
Have you considered that the fact that you have 3 small children might have something to do with how you feel? Caring for these children can be a real mental and physical challenge. This might be a reason you feel the way that you do.
There must have been some reason that you were attracted to him before. Those qualities are still there. Find them again. Invest in yourself as well. Improve yourself and see if the excitement returns to your marriage. Even with children it is important that you don’t stop dating… even if it’s once a month.
Marriages and love are not an easy commodity to find and are things that need to be fought for. Sometimes that includes fighting against yourself.
Good luck.
What this comes down to is really what you value the most. Do you value the material items or your happiness? How about your children’s happiness? Do you care that they know or will know about your loveless marriage? How do you think this will affect your children? You will be teaching them to sacrifice happiness and love for financial security. Does your husband deserve to live his life with a woman who doesn’t love him? You are being selfish for allowing this to go on for your benefit. There is no such thing as sucking it up for the kids. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. They can see how you treat eachother only to learn from it. They will know ultimately that mom & dad don’t get along. Which will make them insecure at home. Fearing what will happen eventaully, their parents seperation. Parents are the world to our children. When our children see us upset, it upsets them too. Do you really want this for their childhood up bringing, insecurity and doubt? Life is too short, be happy! Good Luck!
If you say "I’m not in love with you", and then continue to act as though you do, as in trying to work it out rather than trying to move on, then why would you assume that he wouldn’t be confused?
Plus, I think that if I’m in love with someone, and they say I don’t love you, I’d be in denial. I’d think there was something I could try to do better. (Been there.)
Are you sure that you aren’t in love with him?
Are you seriously just staying married because you have a nice house, to cars, and kids? Really? Are you sure that you aren’t just unhappy, and maybe you’re assigning blame for your unhappiness to him?
No, you absoloutely do not "just suck it up". How long could you act like a happily married mother of three? For eternity?
Not trying to be an a$$ here, but I think you should see a counselor, on your own. Not because I think you are to blame, or because I think you’re crazy, honestly, I just think that everyone who has big decisions to make about their family’s future should get a professional, neutral counselor to help them sort through all of their options.
Cars, and houses can be replaced. You worked for those things once, you can do it again. (Been there, worked for stuff, gave it up so I could get out and get on with it, feel better about not having to fight about or share it, it’s mine all mine.) Your life, your husband’s life and, your children’s childhoods can’t. Don’t think for one minute that your children, and your husband won’t suffer through your ruse as much as you are. All of this is not fair to you, and any member of your family. You owe it to yourself, and to them to figure out what you want, and what needs to be done to get to there.
Just to clarify, I’m not advocating divorce, or marriage for you.
I’m advising you to not cop out, sit on the sidelines, and have a pity me party for yourself for the rest of your life. My parents were married for 27 years. Mom "sucked it up". The rest of the family is eternally tired of her martyr girl act which has continued for the full decade after their divorce. Can you say dysfunctional?
Do the hard part, and fix it however you can. Otherwise you’ll all be miserable, and everytime your grown children "have to" visit you and or your husband they’ll cringe.
I sincerely hope that helps, and I hope I didn’t like a cold b*tch, sorry if you think I did.
Good luck