proof read my first paragraph?
First of all, abortion provides individual rights for women to protect and defeat their rights to bear a child or not. Women have the right whether or not they want to continue being pregnant. Society today views abortion as a cold blooded crime and a sin of God for a woman who had have experience an abortion. Rather than viewing an abortion as a life decision for a woman to make and defend their own individual rights. Many antiabortionists support and defend more the fetuses than the women arguing that carry out an abortion is violating fetuses’ individual rights. On the essay of Ellen Willis, she makes an excited statement “I do consider the life of a fertilized egg less precious than the well-being of a woman with feeling, self consciousness…” (508) I strongly agree with Willis that the life of a woman is far more important than fetus and need to be protect and defeat women’s individual rights by allowing abortion to be continue in the United States. Some of the antiabortionists believe that the solution for eliminated abortion is for women to stop having unprotected sex and women to wait for marriage to have sex. According to the essay of Willis, “Criminalizing abortion doesn’t just harm individual women with unwanted pregnancies, it affects all women’s sense of themselves” (509) I agree with Willis if criminalizing abortion will conceded, it will violation women’s individual rights that women will feel unhopeful or powerless of their own bodies. What will happen to women who may experience a dangerous pregnancy or raped? One of my sisters had a dangerous pregnancy; she was in her sixth months and expecting little girl when the doctor discovered that my sister’s health and also the baby were danger. My sister needed to have an abortion to save her life or both my sister and the baby will dead. Without a doubt, my sister had an abortion but if government pass to criminalizing abortion. My sister will possible be dead right now. The same case applies to the women who are raped and having to experience an unwanted pregnancy. A raped victim itself is an emotional stage that many of them are unable to override her terrible experience. An unwanted pregnancy will increase the raped victim’s emotional stage that unwanted baby will possible have an unhappy life.
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Tagged with: abortion • Doubt • egg • fetus • fetuses • god • government pass • having unprotected sex • Health • individual rights • life decision • little girl • marriage • Paragraph • pregnancy • proof • self consciousness • united states • Unwanted Pregnancies
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Number one, your paragraph is way too long. The rule of thumb is one thought per paragraph
Below are some cursory edits and suggestions for re-wording. I didn’t go all the way through because the paragraph has too many verb tense mismatches that make it a bit frustrating to read, especially without a good editing program.
If you want some more feedback, could you work on cleaning up some of the verb tenses in the paragraph and resubmit? You are doing an excellent job by soliciting feedback on your essay–kudos to you and I hope that you do very well. The subject that you are writing about is challenging as well.
——————————————————————————–
<First at all – DELETE–if you introduced properly in your introductory paragraph this fragment is superfluous and makes you sound wishy-washy>,
Abortion provides individual rights for women to protect and <defeat–DELETE INSERT defend> their rights to bear a child or not. Women have the right <INSERT to decide> whether or not they want to continue being pregnant. Society today views abortion as a <cold blooded – TYPO cold-blooded> crime and a sin <of-DELETE INSERT against> God for a woman who had have experience <D> an abortion. Rather than viewing an abortion as a life decision for a woman to make and defend their own individual rights. Many antiabortionists support and defend more the fetuses than the women arguing that carry out an abortion is violating fetuses’ individual rights. On the essay of Ellen Willis, she makes an <excited-DELETE INSERT contentious/thought-provoking???> statement “I do consider the life of a fertilized egg less precious than the well-being of a woman with feeling, self consciousness…” (508) I strongly agree with Willis that the life of a woman is far more important than fetus and need to be protect and defeat women’s individual rights by allowing abortion to be continue in the United States. <NEW PARAGRAPH?> Some of the antiabortionists <anti-abortionists> believe that the solution for eliminated <eliminating> abortion is for women to stop having unprotected sex and <for> women to wait for marriage to have sex. According to the essay of Willis, “Criminalizing abortion doesn’t just harm individual women with unwanted pregnancies, it affects all women’s sense of themselves” (509) I agree with Willis if criminalizing abortion will <is> conceded, it will violation <violate, not violation> women’s individual rights that women will feel unhopeful <hopeless, not unhopeful> or powerless of their own bodies. What will happen to women who may experience a dangerous pregnancy or raped? One of my sisters had a dangerous pregnancy; she was in her sixth months and expecting little girl when the doctor discovered that my sister’s health and also the baby were danger. My sister needed to have an abortion to save her life or both my sister and the baby will dead. Without a doubt, my sister had an abortion but if government pass to criminalizing abortion. My sister will possible be dead right now. The same case applies to the women who are raped and having to experience an unwanted pregnancy. A raped victim itself is an emotional stage that many of them are unable to override her terrible experience. An unwanted pregnancy will increase the raped victim’s emotional stage that unwanted baby will possible have an unhappy life.
Well, there are a lot of things that don’t work. Try reading it outloud to a friend, relative or even a pet! You will most likely hear the problems as your saying them. You made some really good points in there too. I totally agree with you.
not perfect but good