Should I divorce him? (Long question)?
If you have some time on your hand – here’s a question I posted last night:http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjoX_FcD5szKGjuZPMf8Dwbsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090607234916AAzkC9a
My husband and I are already talking about the divorce (in civilized and friendly manner) and I’m getting ready to file for it. However, I’m still going over my decision. Am I doing the right thing? Should I give him yet another chance.
To give more detail about what went wrong:
1. I gained some weight during the pregnancy (I wasn’t skinny when we got married either). This really bothers him. He told me many hurtful things about my body, about my undergarments. Things that make me feel ashamed to be naked when he’s in the room. (we haven’t been "together" for over a year). My mom was very good looking when my parents got married but now for the past 20 years she’s been overweight and when I tell my husband that my father didn’t stop loving her because of that and he’ll never leave her because of that, he says "I would".
2. He says that he doesn’t love me anymore. He is a calm and easy going person and even now that he moved out he tries to make jokes with me, but for the past 6 months when we’d talk seriously and I would ask him if he loves me, he says "no" and that he doesn’t have any feelings for me.
3. We have a 16 month old beautiful daughter. However, when I was 3 months pregnant and we had an argument he suggested that I have an abortion.
4. Before we had a baby we didn’t argue much, but every time there was some missunderstanding he would tell me that he wants a divorce ‘coz he thinks it’s easier this way. Each time I would ask him NOT to say that word and if he does then to think if he really wants to be married to me. He never really gave it any thoughts and everything went to "normal", he would tell me he loves me etc (that was pre-baby).
5. Last December I told him that I have enough and that he needs to figure out what he wants to do. He didn’t do anything to try to save this marriage. I got him some books which he didn’t read. I took him to counseling (we might have had a bad counselor) and after two sessions she told me that he’s immature, won’t change and that she’s surprised that a woman like me would want to be with a guy like him. She’s an older lady so I’m assuming she had some experience with marriage therapy. After those two sessions we each had our individual seesions, but it still didn’t change a thing.
6. We are both raised Catholics. We even had a church wedding (mostly because of my mother). However, I’m a Christian now and he says that he doesn’t believe in God. This was never an issue in our relationship. This isn’t the reason why I think about divorcing him.
7. Last September I opened my business (single practitioner esthetician). At that time my husband had another wave of "I want a divorce and I’m leaving you". I told him to make up his mind so that I don’t open the business. Next day he said that he doesn’t want to leave our daughter (his father did that to him) and he wants me to have the business. I’m not a lazy person and I am going to get a job if I can’t make my bus. work, however since I started working for myself I didn’t make money – just to cover the costs of running this business.
8. He says that I’m controling him because I call him after his work and ask him where he is and what time he’ll be home. Before we had baby, he would get very upset so I just stopped calling him (then one day he went to a bar with a friend after work and met some girls which later would call him and he first didn’t tell me what happened and then he lied – he says nothing happened). But after baby came I told him that I need to know what time he’s going to be home if he’s not planing to come home right after work. The therapist told him that this is marriage, then he said that if marriage means that he has to tell me where he’s going and what time he’ll return home then he doesn’t want to be married.
I did everything I could to try to help him with his emotional issues but it just doesn’t seem like he wants to really work on them. Because of everything that happened I don’t even know if I still love him, I’m confused and I’m hurt. I don’t believe in staying together for the sake of the kid. What’s the point of being unhappy and arguing. That’s not good for child either. But all those answers to my other question make me think if I’m doing the right thing? Is there anything else I could do? All my friends (and therapist) tell me that losing those 30lbs won’t change him, because if he would really love me – this wouldn’t bother him. I can’t turn his heart around. He’s a little upset that I asked him to move out. But how can I live with a man that says he doesn’t love me and that my body is ugly?
By the way, my husband is 37 years old.
Thanks for reading.
He proposed to me 3 months after we met. I’m 6 years younger. I thought he had his sh** together. He was crazy in love.
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Girl… Sorry you have such a mess… But nobody can tell you if divorce is what you should do.
One thing though – you seem to be latching on to any and all old arguments and missteps on his parts – so months ago you argued and he said he wanted an abortion – well hey I am sure you said some hurtful things too – that does not help anything other than you resolving to divorce. Keep that in mind if you decide to salvage the marriage.
In the end, again – it’s purely your call.
I usually read long questions, but yours is too long for me.
this shouldn’t even be a question. he is a jerk. if you like jerks stay married to him, if you don’t divorce him.
yup, he’s a jerk. you’re doing the right thing, i think.
After reading all that its obviously time for a divorce. You and your husband both have different values in life, and its no ones right to say who is right or wrong.
You shouldn`t be around people that make you feel bad about yourself. It will rip away at your self esteem and over the years you will feel like dirt and you will start to agree with him.
You might think you are trying to fix things for your daughter, but kids can sense truth no matter how pretty a picture you paint.
You should really go ahead with divorce and the sooner the better, and find someone else who can truly make you happy.
Good luck!!
leave him….never look back….good luck
I think you’re husband is a very insecure and weak man. People who put down others on purpose constantly almost always do so because they feel bad about themselves and making others feel bad makes themselves feel better.
But anyway, throughout the years, your body will change.. that is inevitable. You get pregnant, you get stressed, ill, you get old, etc etc… i he marry you or di he just marry the package you came in???
I would leave him and look for a new man while you’re still young an life isn’t all wasted. I know people who have been with men like this, they beat you down so bad emotionally that you’re not able to enjoy life anymore. This is just the beginning imo.
I think you should. It doesn’t have to have a bad affect on your daughter if the two of you are able to be civil and come to an agreement about custody and things like that.
There is no point in trying to make it work when he says that he doesn’t love you as you will only end up being more hurt when you fail to make things better (which you will, because he doesn’t want to make it work)
It’s worse for a child to live in a home where the parents don’t love each other and are not happy, than it is to have divorced but happy parents.
My response to your question is suggested by the following:
Some years ago a Texas country and western singer named Kinky Friedman released a recording of his song entitled, "Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life."
QED. Shop around for a pair of steel-toed shoes.
I agree. You’ve tried. You’ve thought this through. Neither of you are perfect, but you’re not a match. If I were you, I’d lose the weight and divorce him as well. You’ll feel better about your self-image and your life in general. You’re just beating a dead horse trying to make this work. So don’t waste anymore time on a failed marriage and move on.
Its time for you to lose your weight. Put baby in the carriage and start walking. I’m saying that first because it will make you feel better and it always helps the self esteem. Throw the idiot to the curb.
He’s clearly told you that he doesn’t love you anymore. What more do you need? Why would you want to be with someone that does not love you? Forget about his reasoning – whether it’s because you are no longer attractive to him, or something else. He’s no longer interested in you, so you need to move on for both of your sakes.
It takes 2 to tango, you can’t dance alone. Divorce and use your energy to rebuild yourself and self-esteem.
I’m so sorry! That sounds like an awful situation.
If you are a Christian, then you should pray about it and seek God’s will in the situation. The logical choice is to leave… but you need to decide what you feel right about doing.
And take into consideration that he hasn’t LEFT you… why would he stay if he’s not holding on to something?
Best of luck!
i don’t believe that i read that whole thing. maturity doesn’t necassarily come with age, and a little extra weight doesn’t change who you are.does he think the grass will be greener on the other side? my ex thought that & regrets it deeply now. i’ve been with my wife for 20 years & i love every one of those extra pounds. if he will make comments like that then he obviously has no respect for you. it sounds as though you tried your best. i’m no therapist but i would think it’s time for you to move on & find someone who will appreciate a fine lady. btw- i’m 57. been around a while & learned some things. if you’d like to chat you can send a message. i feel for you dear
Kick his sorry A S S out while your young enough to still get on with life and find a good man that is going to want you for you, what you are now.
Best Wishes and Good Luck.
It would be so much better for you and your daughter to get away from him. He sounds very controlling and like a complete jerk. Be strong, I am sure you can do it! Take care of yourself and your baby girl! Good luck
The are things you can work out but when he tells you that he does not love you . Sorry that all you need, you sound like you still loves him after all but I don’t think you want some one like that in your lifer or your baby. Keep your head up and work hard to give a good life to your baby right now is the most important thing in your life. I hope everything work for the best!!
The way of your writting does say your therapist is very right . At the age of 37 , he can not learn to value love and I very much agree with your therepist . Let him go . Though real beauty is found with in , rare people value that . I had a perfect figure but, with two kids I put on a lot of weight . Though I lost half after birth still My figure does not look good now but, it does not change my husbands eye but , I want to loose them anyway . That is another story . Move on with your life . Life is too short and you might someday fine someone who would value the same things as you do . Your husband will not change and he will say nice things only when he will need you .Know that . And let him have his life in his way . He might make a good father but, I doubt .
I’m actually surprised you got him down the aisle in the first place. This man so clearly does not want to be married. You deserve better, and so does your daughter. Time to move on!
For your daughter’s sake, you might want to ask him when he’s going to grow up and be a man to the family he created. Then again, I personally dont want to be around him.