How do you deal with a 4 year old step daughter and an ex wife that wants back in bed with your husband?
I am recently married and love my husband. We both came to the marrige with children and are now expecting one of our own. My daughter was six months old and her bio father never wanted anything to do with her. His four year old hardly spent time with him and her mother, she was always at the babysitters or her grandparents’. Her mother wants to get back with my husband and is working this through the child. The four year old has never been taught manners and is mean to my daughter. How can i deal with this situation. I love his daughter and want to see her and her dad together but she doesn’t like me or my daughter. WHAT CAN I DO??
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Tagged with: babysitters • dad • Ex Wife • grandparents • love • manners • marrige • six months • step daughter
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Women like this are horribly selfish. What an awful thing to do to a child. I will repeat a previous answer by saying that it is not the child’s fault. The mother of my bf’s child (they never dated- he was the result of a one night stand) has actually said that she will teach the child to hate us. How appalling and sad! Your husband may need to step up to the plate and listen to your concerns. This is something of which he needs to take control.
Call Nanny 911, or Supernanny. Being a stepmom is sometimes no fun. Do what is best. Being a kids best friend isn’ always what is best for them. You need to just be stern and have a sit down with you husband and tell him about your feelings. If he cares about the situation being uncomfortable for you he will have a discussion with you and his ex on how to resolve the situation regardless of his comfort level in dealing with the situation. Stand your ground and do what feels right I am sure you won’t regret it in the end.
you have already made the best step and that is by realizing that they are using the kids for revenge or what ever. When the child is in your home you have to be firm but loving and tell her that behavior is not acceptable. The child is not the problem it is the ex and just remember that and think it thru you’ll get some good ideas. Just be mature about it.
Tell the mum to stick it. he is your husband now not hers.
as for the child the mother is of course allowed to see the child. however i would speak to your husband about your situation. ask him to start discipling his daughter everytime she is rude and things like that. that is all is needed here. she needs to listen to both of you if she is in the same house.
you may need to ask if it would be okay to discipline his daughter aswell to get her to stop mistreating your own child. the hardest point will be when your baby is born.
speak to your husband about the situtation and your fears.
She’s just jealous because some one else is getting her daddy’s attention. As for her mother – your husband needs to tell her to leave him alone and stay away.
First, quit thinking of this little girl as your enemy’s kid, and instead think of her as YOUR stepdaughter! No matter how you try to hide it, if you have ANY hostility toward this child because of her Mom, she’s going to pick up on it!
Remember, YOU are her second Mom – and your responsibility for the present time is to love her and support her, nothing else. If you try to crack the whip, it WILL backfire! Leave the discipline to your husband until you’ve established a strong and steady relationship with the child.
Second, remember that she is ONLY four years old, and this has to be an incredibly difficult process for her. She’s never gotten much attention from Dad to begin with – and now she feels like she has to compete with even MORE people for his affection! Of COURSE she’s going to be jealous of you and your other children! What four year old WOULDN’T be?
Now take action. First, urge your husband to schedule one-on-one QUALITY time with his daughter EVERY week! This is VERY, VERY important! This little girl OBVIOUSLY feels like she’s being lost in the shuffle, and having "her" time with Dad each week is the ONLY way to reverse the feeling that she’s being ignored!
As for changing her behavior toward yourself and your other children, the key is to make this little girl feel that she is SPECIAL and LUCKY because she gets to have TWO moms who love her, and she gets to be a big sister to TWO babies who need her.
Tell her that YOU’RE lucky to get to be her stepmom, and make time JUST FOR HER, one-on-one, EVERY WEEK, to do the traditional mom/daughter things, like playing with dolls or playing dress-up. Make sure that you ALWAYS include her in chores relating to the baby that she can help with – such as feeding, fetching diapers, etc. Let her feel her little brother or sister when he/she’s kicking. Tell her what a great big sister she is, how the babies can’t wait til they get big and strong so she can teach them everything she knows. MAKE HER FEEL LIKE AN INDISPENSABLE MEMBER OF THE FAMILY!
Finally, pick a "family night" – at least once a month, but more frequently if possible – when just the three of you do something together (until your younger children are old enough to join you.) The first night, let her pick the activity, the second let your husband pick, the third you pick, etc. This is a GREAT way to show her that she doesn’t need to compete with you for her Dad’s attention – you’re MORE than happy to share him with her!
From personal experience, I can tell you that this WORKS. You will find yourself growing much closer to your stepdaughter – and her mother’s influence on your household will steadily decline.
I have lived and experienced what you are referring to from the male or father aspect. I am a father of four (2 with my first wife and 2 with Michelle, my new, aka current, aka 2nd wife). I am also a new granddad so I have experienced just about every first child/new child ex-wife/new wife scenario that you can think of.
First of all, I want to echo what you already heard from one of the other answers that your place is to love, nurture and respect your step-daughter and build a lasting bond. I would warn you not to try to replace her bio mom or refer to yourself as her "mom" at all. Just try to relate with her in a way that a four-year-old that has "lost her dad to another family" can relate to. While you should expect the same love and respect from her, remember that this will take time and that psychological changes are taking place in her world and her mind that you have no comprehension of at this stage.
You need to also respect that your husband is a co-parent and therefore needs to be able to respond, re-act and make decisions with his first wife with trust. Although a loving husband will discuss these situations with his wife, he needs to know that you understand that he still has a parental commitment with his first wife. She may want him back in her bed and in her life but you either trust your husband to correspond with her as a co-parent or you have little to base your own relationship on.
I have two daughters that are now 20 and 16, each of which blame me for the break up of their family and rightfully so. I am the one that asked for and filed for divorce. My ex-wife has certainly made an effort to point that out. Regrdless, there is a certain degree of resentment that they have towards me, Michelle and my 2 youngest children. Even though I have maintained a solid bond with each of them and explained and displayed an equal love toward each of them my oldest two are some-what jealous of the younger two. My older two daughters were much older than the four-year-old that you have mentioned. They had a certain level of maturity that your step-daughter does not possess yet, but there was still a certain amount of understandable resentment.
You have a commitment to your husband that extends to each of his children, and to a certain degree, his ex-wife. I would encourgae you to get to know your step daughter, respect her while expecting the same, and create a bond. Be understanding, especially from a four-year-old, that she may resent you, your presence with her dad and certainly your parental involvement with her dad. With love, time and maturity, she will come around. Meanwhile, oversee the play time to protect your younger children from potentially mean, abusive behavior from your step-daughter. This should not be tolerated.
ok ppl, this is not a fair answer, how could it be coming from a MAN??!!! i consider this answer as selfish as can be. insted of giving instructions of what the place of the women is in all this, and how could WE the “stepmoms” be better at making your life easier, why don’t we get to hear what the roll of the dady is? WE should understand, take all the crap, accept the situation, deal with all the “i don’t want you” , this is ur falt, and, in the end of the day, why? for what? love? understanding? how many of us were dreamming as girls to become the “bad step mother that took dady away”??? i wanna hear what the roll of the father should be in these situations. in case u havent noticed all the gals that wrote here, are spending time alone with the kids, and are, like it or not taking a mothers roll. just the fact that a women takes her time to search the internet for a solution and a better way to relate to her step kid is a huge step. and for all of u that take that time and are so introspective and willing to do ur best: advice, be selfish, and think twice before getting into this type of treesome…this is no walk in the park. we all know u r doing it for HIM. question remains: can a man ever appriciate that effort???