Husband friends again with old love interest. Should I worry?
I just recently found out that my husband of 2 years (partner of 4) has been rekindling his friendship with a girl he was , for lack of a better description, madly in love with all throughout his high school years and part of his time in college. He was head over heels for her, would do anything and be anything she needed, but supposedly never even so much as kissed her.
Well, to sum up their story and start on why I am uneasy she ended up getting married to some mutual friend of theirs, getting divorced, getting knocked up by the mutual friend and then marrying him AGAIN. Now her husband is in the Army , and she has two kids.
This year has NOT been the best for my marriage either. My husband joined the Air Force, then was discharged for medical reasons. We have had several (often physical) fights, and two months ago I found out I was pregnant, only to suffer a miscarriage three weeks later. And now, this other girl, Let’s just call her Dee, her husband is in Iraq for 18 months and mine has decided to start talking to her again via facebook. He never liked facebook until recently, but now has it on his phone and even Xbox. He even put a passcode on his cell phone which he didn’t have until recently. Now he is planning to visit his AF buddy this coming weekend in FL, but I am not sure if I believe thats where he is going bc she is in North Carolina and it will take approx the same amount of time either way. I have to let him go, and if he is seeing his AF friend I am all for it, but in the back of my mind i wonder if that is where he is going. I told him when he gets there take lots of pictures of him and his friend. I don’t know how else I will ever know the truth. Do you think my worries are unfounded?
well to answer one question the reason I am not going on the trip is my job. I am a x ray tech in a hospital , and I work 3rd shift 12 hour shifts all weekend. My holiday is thanksgiving plus I am working an extra 6 hours so I work this fri-sun 7p-7a then wed 7p-1a then thurs 7a-7p then fri-sun again 7p-7a. So as you can see I have NO time to do anything this week except sleep and get ready for my next shift. I told him I could not go bc of my work and with Christmas coming up, I need the money.
also see previous questions of mine and you will see he often started the physical fights. He even choked me while I was pregnant and some of you are making it sound like it was my fault! know the situation before you point fingers. We saw a counselor about that particular fight.
Lastly, I never told him he could not talk to this person. He decided that on his own. I am just concerned about the secrecy and why all of a sudden he wants to talk to her again. I also said I know that I cannot stop him from going on this trip, nor do I plan to.
And to "jaded" you obviously have no idea what you are talking about. This pregnancy was NOT planned, and the fight we had was about something unrelated to this situation. I am not planning on getting pregnant in the near future, I never said I was. I know this is not a situation to bring a child into, in fact I firmly believe no child should have to live through any argument between family as someone who grew up in an extremely dysfunctional environment. Lastly, don’t tell me to grow up or get mature. You don’t know me honey.
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Tagged with: 12 hour shifts • 1a • 7a • 7p • air force • amount of time • army • back of my mind • cell phone • dee • fri • Friends • friendship • head over heels • love interest • marriage • medical reasons • mutual friend • passcode • physical fights • thanksgiving • worries • x ray tech • xbox
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Yes you have every right to be worried but it won’t do you any good. Your husband has some very deep feelings for this woman. The feelings they had for each other…never had a conclusion…in a sense they never got to finish what they started or were trying to start when they were adolescents.
Its almost as if their heart and mind are seeking a conclusion to their love story…in other words…your husband and this girl are like a book that never finished…and by the sound of things there is an emotional attachment that runs deep…Even though he loves you..which I assume he does..because he married you…there is a part of him where these feelings for this other women live…and will continue to live until they play out…
Many people believe that marriage is the strongest bond that there is….not true…and many people find that out the hard way….
This type of high school love is the strongest that there is because it’s imprinted in the mind. Teens that are torn apart for whatever reason such as moving away, college, or dating someone else etc…They will continue to hold a spark for their high school sweetheart. Ten, twenty, thirty years later and beyond..through all of life’s situations such as children, divorce, military leave, etc….they will continue to look for each other…
Marriages often get destroyed and spouses and kids get tossed aside…because this love is blind to others..a couple that broke up in adolescence will do anything in their power to find a way to come together….and fate will often bring them together to finish what they started..and even if a spouse gives ultimatums, gets angry, etc…try to talk sense into their spouse…it does no good…your husband can’t change the way that he feels..its like telling the sun to stop rising in the morning..that girl has a piece of his heart..that you never had…and never will..no matter how hard you try.
The harshest reality of this whole situation…ALL you can do is have faith in your marriage..that the adult version of your husband loves you more than the teenage version of your husband loves this other girl…..
I just had a serious case of deja vu.
Wow, sounds like a bag of fun.
Yeah, I would worry. He’s definitely thinking about it. Then again, I’d probably worry about those *physical fights* you guys have.
I wouldn’t trust it. There is no logical reasoning behind this friendship. It would be more understandable if they were friends continuouslyly. I don’t see why he needs to spark things back up. That’s asking for trouble.
No, I think you are right to think the way you are thinking considering the "evidence". I wouldn’t believe him. The passcode says it all as far as I’m concerned. Sorry, I hope you don’t get depressed over this.
I don’t think your worries are unfounded. but has he ever given you a reason not to trust him? if he hasn’t you have to let him go. believe me if someone wants to cheat on you they will and policing them so they don’t isn’t going to help you feel better, it’s just going to make you worried that were you not on top of everything he does that he would. sorry but I know from experience. good luck
I don’t know if I’d worry, so much as being concerned.
I want to know what they have to talk about so much
Passcode says it all.
Yes you should worry. So if he is going to see this friend why can’t you all make it a family trip. That is what married people do.
Yes you have reason to worry. How about you tell him you want to go with him so you guys can be away from the house and try to reconnect your relationship. See how he reacts.
Not to be mean, but it’s people like you who bring innocent husbands to Maury and make a complete fool out of both you and him. If he is going to cheat, he will, and nothing that you say nor do will stop it. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. You cannot FORCE him to not do it, nor will he do it if he doesn’t plan on doing as such.
You worry too much.
*EDITED*
@ – mt75689: She has NO RIGHT to tell him that he cannot continue the friendship whatsoever. tThey may be married, but she doesn’t have any right as to if he still is friend with this woman or not. If she tries, she deserves to be left. Plain and damn simple. Leave it or take it as what it is. Nothing more nor less
You definitely have reason to worry.
You should be worried but not about his friendship with the girl but his relationship with you!!! you have had several (often physical) fights with him. That is a big problem!!! that is why he is looking for a way out!!!!! Who want to stay in a relationship like that? You two need to sit down and have a serious talk because if he does not leave you for her, it will be someone else!!!!
Your concerns are valid. If he had nothing to hide, he would hide nothing. He is hiding a lot from you, including cell phone activity. You have only uncovered the tip of the iceberg.
If he tries to tell you you’re imagining things, and isn’t willing to prove his innocence, then you have your answer. Stiffen up your spine. You are going to need it.
Your worries are not unfounded.
The problem is that you can’t make your husband end his contact with his old crush, and fighting about it will only make him go underground ~ he’ll become more secretive.
Tell your husband this;
"Your friendship with this old flame has no place in our marriage. In fact any flirtations and advances ~ any attempts to become ‘closer’ to another woman ~ even under the guise of friendship is completely unacceptable. I won’t put up with it. If you can’t stay within the boundaries of our marriage, then I’m done. If I ever find out that you’re continuing this behavior or that you have cheated on me, our marriage is over."
Then be prepared to follow through if necessary. Don’t make empty threats.
i wouldnt have any more pregnancies if i was this unstable. if i were you. really.
wait until both of you are way more mature to even think of having any innocent children who might after all get in the way and get clobbered while you two are duking it out or freaking out over old girlfriends or buddies in far away states. because children deserve two parents who are commited to a calm stable safe home for them. and that dont’ sound like you.
This sounds a bit too familiar.