Is it possible to save a marriage if my husband deserted me during my lowest times of my life?
I’m having a hard time trying to forgive and forget when my husband deserted me in our marriage on several situations where I needed him the most. He wasn’t emotionally or at least physically there for me when my mother died, he actually gave me more grief then any thing. We fought so much during this because as he puts it "I should have gotten over her death within 4 months of her death…because that’s how he is and is family is." We went to see a marriage counselor, but stopped going after he said that he was only going because I was making the appointments. He claims that he acted this way because he was dealing with emotional issues from his childhood and his deployment which both, he didn’t bother trying to get help for….even when I tried to get him help. Everytime I cried about my mother’s death, he would say nasty things like "well, I’m not going to comfort you because your going to still cry anyways." To make matter’s worse, my family also deserted me and withheld their support, I basically had no one to be there….except for a psychiatrist…even though I would have liked that to be my husband or family.
Well, I forgave him and gave him another chance. Shortly, I lose my job, and guess what….he was not emotionally supportive for me again. Instead of giving me encouragement, he would bitch me out and constantly stress me out even more by threatening me that "we were going to have problems if I couldn’t find a job." It wasn’t like I was sitting around the house just chillan, I constantly applied to jobs to no avail. I finally got a job working a fast food joint, something I told myself that I would never do ever again in my life, but I did it to keep my marriage together. Sure enough, his attitude was towards me did a 360 and he was happy with me once again….I feel very disgusted with the way he has acted….and he claims that now he realizes that he was not there for me the way he should have been, but I can’t help but constantly play back everything in my head and wonder should I continue with this marriage or not?
I grew resentment towards him for putting me through all this. I cried alone so many times, and I’m done feeling hurt. I love him still, and I don’t want to get a divorce…..needless to say, I fell into drinking alcohol to numb everything out. I’m angry and hurt, and it feels like no matter how many times he claims he is a changed man, and promises he will not desert me, I can’t seem to forget what he has done and fear that he would act like this again in the future. I can’t go through this again, I’m too weak. I’m sorry if I sound like complaining but I just don’t have anyone.
thank you Duo, I will check out that website. It is comforting to know that I’m not the only person going through this sort of problem in marriages. Now I don’t feel to entirely alone.
I’m new at this and I’m trying to figure out if there is a way that I can reply to each of your individual responses. Is there any other way to do this other than adding more details?
Karin- You are so right, love should be unconditional and I don’t feel that he loves me unconditionally. I actually feel like I’m married to a groupie…you know someone that only wants to be around when things are going great, then they are there fully without skipping a beat. That’s not who I want in my life. I feel so betrayed and hurt. Im not trying to play the blame game, but I think what made matter’s worse is that I never had a chance to really cope with my mother’s death because I have been so worried about my marriage constantly and she passed away on November 9th 2008. I got so disgusted with him when he started to act happy again when I found a job, I left him and stayed with a friend for a week. He says he is going to work on himself and change…but I just don’t believe he will. I feel like a stupid woman for giving him so many chances, my gut tells me that he will never really act right. Thank you for your response hun.
XO- you made me realize that I am looking for a reason to stay in this marriage…I don’t want to leave but at the same time, this marriage is causing me more damage than good. It does feel like abuse, as much as I don’t want to think about it like that, but it does feel that way because I’m emotionally torn and damaged about the one person that should have had my back regardless just failed on me the worse way possible. I will work on myself to lift myself out of this depression and alcoholism, your right, even though I can’t save this marriage, I can at least save myself. Thank you for your response.
Scarlet Cougar- I totally feel what your saying. He promised me that he will go to therapy, and he is willing to. The problem is, is that I have no faith in people anymore. I have been lied to, betrayed, and cheated out of happiness from this man. I just don’t believe that he will change, I wish there was some sort of pill that I can take that can just wipe the painful memory of him deserting me, cuz I think that will be the only way that I can even look at him now. I will try and get involved with a support group aside from him. Your right, I know that I have worn him out with the constant demand for support, but at the same time, he left me know choice with him so focused on his career, we have moved around the U.S. with his job I have lived in 5 states within the past 3 years, I can’t even establish friends…or even a stable career. I guess that’s what I get for being the “supportive wife” he never deserved to ask me to drop everything to support him in his career decisions.
Queen Agnostic- That’s true, we all make mistakes. I have a hard time believing in anyone that makes the mistake of not being there for the person they claim to love, that they even love that person at all. I mean, I think I could do what he did to me to someone else if I absolutely did not love or care about that person….thats the only way possible….
I will try and keep finding work and establish something for me and slowly remove myself from this if it comes down to it. I’m going to give our marriage once last chance at least I will know then that I did give it a chance.
As for the alcohol, I will stop and quit, Its not so bad to the point that I have to have it. I’m really sorry for your loss, my mother died exactly one year and one day before yours (November 9th 2008), and it hurts everyday. I’m so sorry hun, my heart aches for you. I know that everytime I look up at the sky, I know she is looking back. I know that your mother is doing the same to you (hugs).
Queen Agnostic-It will get better in time, trust me. It hurts everyday as if it happened yesterday, but I know that she is in a better place. Thank you for your support and advice, I really appreciate it.
Island- That’s what I believe to, I didn’t expect him to be the one of the people that failed to be there for me. It felt like a major slap to the face that he, along with my siblings, turned his back on me when I needed him the most. I can’t get over that part, I’m losing sleep, I can’t look at him without disgust.
I didn’t think that I was acting in a way that other people that lose their mother’s wouldn’t be. I have realized that he was just saying this as a cop out excuse so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I’m going to get counseling, definitely, and I don’t have faith in him or much less anyone these days. I know for sure this will be the last time I say I do to anyone, I can’t go through disappointment again. Thank you for your advice and input, I greatly appreciate it.
Liz- Your so right, and I think that’s why our marriage is the way it is now. I’m going to try this marriage counseling with him since now he is “serious” about it, but I’m also embracing myself for the worse. Thank you for your time and input.
Six6un- Wow…ouch…you really told it like it is…a little hurtful, but since when does the truth feel good huh? I appreciate you being honest with me. I’m sorry for the too much info….I wasn’t always so emotionally dependant…I just became this way when I lost my mom, I lost my mom in the most traumatic experiences ever…I watched her slowly die in ICU helplessly for one month alone (it’s a longer story how it happened but long story short, she slipped into a coma and never woke up after experiencing complications from multiple seizures during a dialysis session.)
A long time ago, we were happy with each other, he wasn’t this coward that I see now. I fell in love with his representative, it feels like this man that
continued…I see now didn’t appear until we said I do, seriously. I don’t want to end this marriage, but at the same time your right, I don’t need someone that can’t stay by my side when things aren’t going great. I don’t think I can be or consider being with another man after this marriage. Thank you for your advice and honesty.
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Tagged with: 4 months • appointments • attitude • avail • deployment • emotional issues • encouragement • fast food • grief • hard time • job • jobs • marriage • marriage counselor • nasty things • pl • psychiatrist • Puts • Times Of My Life
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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I really feel for you!
The one person you should be able to count on, proves to be no support at all.
He should be a rock for you, a shoulder to lean and cry on, but he is not.
He sounds like an extremely selfish, callous man.
You don’t get over a mothers death in four months, you never do, really.
You may be crying on and off for years – and it’s normal!
I’m so sorry that you have no one to talk to except the Y/A community.
There is a lot of empathy and help here, you will just have to weed out the stupid, heartless answers!
You may want to try counseling, but I don’t think your husband will change.
You need to get yourself strong and independent from this guy – slowly distance yourself from him emotionally and financially – until you can go it alone.
There is someone out there for you who will be a true and supportive partner to you!
Love is supposed to be unconditional (obviously with a few exceptions like cheating & abuse). It does not seem as if he has been unconditionally loving you. He should really be more understanding, he sounds very self-centered.
I can’t really tell you what to do because I am not in the horrible situation that you are in BUT I know if my husband was that non-supportive… he would have 2 choices, work on it and fix it OR the marriage is over. If it was not fixed I could not get over it. I would have a really hard time forgiving something like no support after the death of my Mother.
It’s your decision to make… good luck.
You don’t sound like your complaining. You sound like you’re tired and you’re looking for someone to give you ‘permission’ to leave.
Sometimes there are people we meet in life where we want them to be nice, we want them to mean so much more, and we want to be happy with them because we have strong feelings for them…for example old friends, spouses, family members, etc.
But at the same time there’s that one person everyone has that does so much damage and hurt that despite your best wishes and wanting things to be good, they simply cannot be forgiven. It’s probably the hardest thing to admit.
If that’s where you’re at, (and I don’t blame you, because if I was in your shoes, I would have left already) and you can’t go through it again what so ever, then you need to leave. Because to me, it’s better to be on your own and go through rough times by yourself, than it is to have that support cave through and have to pick yourself up from two losses instead of one.
…He’s just proven himself to be…unreliable. He may have had a lot of issues and such, but sometimes people turn around just a little too late. Betrayal is a deeply cutting emotion; if you can’t bring yourself to go through it again then you can’t.
It might seem cold or upsetting, but he hasn’t been able to look out for you in this relationship, so you need to look out for yourself and how to live with your surroundings otherwise his issues are going to become your issues. (The alchoholism, the depression, etc.etc.)
added:
"Love is supposed to be unconditional (obviously with a few exceptions like cheating & abuse)."
Karen is correct but what this dude has done already -IS- abuse.
If your husband has indeed seen that his behavior was wrong, and that it has caused you emotional duress, then he should be willing to go back into therapy. I would suggest that you all go back into couples therapy on work on this issue, and also to build up your communication skills.
You should als continue to work with an individual therapist.
Finally, you should build up a support network to help you deal with things, apart from your husband. If he has been the only one that you turn to in time of need, it could very well be that he is just worn out from being your sole source of emotional support.
Good luck to you in your marriage.
People make mistakes, they have to in order to learn. Your husband has realized his mistakes…. he cant change the past but he can change how he is now and in the future. If you do love him and want the marriage to work, you have to forgive him…. and all relationships are risks… there is never a guarantee that we wont get hurt or be abandoned etc. Thats life. As for drinking alcohol to numb the pain, please dont…. I lost my best friend to cirrhosis because she used alcohol to numb her pain… and over time she needed more and more because the tolerance level gets higher and higher and before you know it, your poor liver cant keep up and it starts scarring…. then when it gets scarred up to the point of no return, your in trouble…. cirrhosis is a very long and painful death…. you dont want that.
keep working, find a job you like while your working this one.. keep building yourself up because I am getting that when you feeling low about yourself, your husband is taking advantage of your vulnerability…. dont be vulnerable to him until you feel you really can be….. be strong, stand up for yourself and settle for nothing but what you want in life.
I am sorry about your mother… four months is hardly enough to get used to the idea you will never be able to hug or speak to your mom again. I lost my mother on November 10 of this year… it hasnt even been two months…. and I cant imagine my husband thinking I should just get over it…. losing a mother is a very difficult thing for a daughter to handle regardless of the state of the relationship….its hard.
good luck to you
One person alone cannot save a marriage, it takes two people working together to do that.
Wow, too much information, too emotionally draining just reading your diatribe. I can not even wrap my brain around your continuing crisis. Just how did you two emotionally dependant people manage to marry? It’s like two negative charges coming together because, normally, opposites attract and compensate for each other. In your case you have a double negative. Sad, huh. If one of you falls, the other is supposed to pick him or her up. Not you two, if one of you gets knocked down by—say—a death in the family the other collapses onto the floor too, weeping uncontrollably. Sad—huh.
How do you move forward? Sheesh, I lower my glasses and look earnestly into your eyes while slowly shaking my head. You don’t with him; you need a cheerful, upbeat guy who is emotionally distant. You need a man who doesn’t care if you’re mourning for years over a death or lost job—or whatever.
Paloma 923 I sympathize with you and the loss of your mother. You are grieving so many losses at one time its normal to be emotionally unstable, the loss of your mom, your job, abandonment by family & your spouse. That is a lot for anyone to bare and until someone has truly walked in your shoes they can only guess and assume how you should go about handling these matters.
I personally recommend you read the book called, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It’s reasons why women like you, me and others stay or have stayed in unhealthy relationships. It’s a lot deeper than we think. I’m at the very end of the book and will read again, this book will help you in ways you never imagined and will uncover things you have buried. I too know what it’s like being in a marriage with a spouse that does not support you and loves only when the condition is right. Thankfully, God gave me the strength to get out of that unhealthy marriage. It’s never easy leaving, but you must love and value yourself "FIRST" before you can truly love another.
I won’t tell you to leave your husband, that’s a personal choice. I really encourage you to get the book, it covers "ALL" of what you’re experiencing and then some. It is helping me tremendously into becoming a healthier happier woman. When we are healthy…we choose and attract healthy friendships/relationships. It takes time, and investing in you is worth it. You are worthy of so much more. Maybe these trials are wake up calls, mine sure were. Everything that happened to me within the last year pushed me in the weirdest way to stumble across the book I’ve mentioned.
I wasn’t looking for it, never heard of it and as I said, "stumbled" across the book one day. I believe it was my divine connection and intervention. Again, I know how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned by people you think will be there…and are not. You will get through this…it’s no quick fix. Believe that the universe is allowing this to "GROW" you and make you better, wiser and stronger. You will make it, you will get through it…allow yourself the time to heal, discover and reconnect with the woman you are really suppose to be. God bless you!!!