How do I fall back in love with OCD husband?
I have been married 10 yrs, and have two small children. My husband and I have been having martial problems (fighting a lot) for about 8 yrs. He is a hot head, yells at me a lot, is controlling, we fight a lot, he is lazy, selfish, lacks confidence and is jealous among other things. He is also sweet, a good father, funny, and we share a lot of interests and beliefs. He is also my husband which I vowed to love through good and bad…. but how much bad do I take?
Last year I couldn’t take it any more, I was tired of being a mother to my children and also having to mother him. I was also tired of the fighting and double standards so I said we either separate or seek counseling. He freaked and we started marriage counseling.
Through that it was discovered that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. There are thoughts he can not control (like if I am cheating, or if I am out if I got in an accident, or if people are talking about him/making fun of him, etc) which leds to his lack of lack of self confidence and need for reassurance. This also can be the reason he is "lazy" because the thoughts he has are so overwhelming he can not to much of anything else. He agreed to go on medication and that has helped his bahavior some. We have also continued counseling and he is making genuine efforts to change his behavior…. however, there are somethings that have not changed (short fused temper, being bossing, being lazy, needing me to "mother" him, not being an equal partner in parenting, and the double standards), and the things that have improved (jealousy, self confidence) are great but not enough. I also feel that even though he / we have made progress that we slip back into old patterns quickly.
I know a lot of his behavior is because of his OCD – that he can not control. But I am having a hard time getting over these aspects of him and getting back in love with him. I love him as a friend and fellow parent but I do not have romantic or spouse like feelings for him and I am not physicially attracted to him anymore. How do I get those feelings back??? Can I fall back in love with him? How can I love him like I should with this disorder??? I feel horrible that I dont have these feelings for him and I think of leaving him but I dont want to break up the family and I dont want to look back 5 yrs from now and realize what a mistake I have made. I made a vow to love through the bad times but I have found that I cant, no matter how I try. I feel guilt and pain and I’m trying….
Any suggestions on how I can love him again, or do you think I should work on building a new life without him??
Serious and kind suggestions please.
Yes! My children come first! So do I take them away from a loving father? Or do I keep them in a household where there is little love and lots of fighting?? Trust me, my kids are why I am trying so hard. Thanks
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Tagged with: Che • confidence • feelings • fellow parent • genuine efforts • hard time • hot head • jealousy • Lot 105 • love • marriage • marriage counseling • martial problems • medication • obsessive compulsive disorder • ocd • parenting • reassurance • self confidence • temper
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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try to research dietary ways of helping control this. i would start with more protein. steaks, burgers, salads, good vegetables, lots of fish and chicken. eliminate snacks of all kinds, soda, alcohol. especially sweets of all kinds, get rid of them.
also steady physical movement, i think that helps too. walking, swimming, ect.
another guess is that the children help trigger the condition because of the responsibility and stress it brings. that is perhaps the reason for the need for reassurance.
yes, it is a betrayal to find out the guy you bought was not the model advertised. but so are some of your attitudes.
two kids. remember that. i dont care what you do with your husband, but you have two kids and after you have kids it is not really about you anymore, it is what is best for them.
Your in therapy right? ask the therapist!!
You realize that you made a hasty decision in going for a divorce and no matter how haywire the past happenings of your past married life were, you feel the love you have for your ex still runs deep. And well, you have all reason and right to \’rise from the debris\’ and work \’towards rebuilding\’ to get your ex-husband, as we explore some ways to go about it.
I understand exactly what you are going through. Your situation is almost exactly the same as mine. I’m torn between not wanting to break up the home but feeling unable to live with the stress of living with OCD. Even though what is in his head must be horrible OCD effects everybody in the house. It is also learned behaviour (my husbands father is also severely afflicted) and im concerned that my children may pick up these traits. Also living with someone who explodes frequently is frightening. Like yours he is great company and a devoted dad but he controls me like a father and i have to support him like a mother. How can i possibly love him like a wife in the bedroom? I’m giving it one more go for my children’s and his sake but handled correctly divorce need not destroy children. Good luck (someone is on your side) x