What is the best way to go about resolving a situation with my ex-husband over my son?
Last year, I requested that the state review my ex’s income to see if my son was eligible for an increase in child support. I had not asked for a review in 9 years. He had a huge increase in income in those 9 yrs. so the state increased his child support. He was furious and since then, has been doing whatever possible to get back at me. He only sees my son about every 3-5 months, and on both visitations he has exercised since then, he has refused to bring my son back home, refused to meet me halfway, refused to allow me to pick him up early, and even refused to take him to the airport (15-20 mintutes away from his house). This meant that I had to drive over 6 hours to pick my son up at 6:00 pm, and he didn’t get back home until 1:00 am both times, and had to get up at 6:00 am to go to school. My ex isn’t concerned with doing this to my son at all. It is all about getting back at me. I spoke to a lawyer, who suggested that I write my ex a certified letter, before taking it to court.
This lawyer actually said that if he were me, he would refuse to allow my ex to pick my son up, unless he agreed to do what was right for my son and either bring him home at a decent hour, or agree to meet me halfway. He wants me to at least try to write a letter first, informing him of exactly what he is doing to our son, and then if my ex refuses to listen to reason, then I could take it to court.
What should I say in this letter, to make it to the point, and not about what I want or what my ex wants, but more about what is in my sons best interest?
Just to point out: My ex has visitation rights every other weekend, every spring break, every summer, every other thanksgiving, and a week at christmas. HE chooses not to exercise those. I have tried to encourage him to exercise more visitations. He makes excuses why he can’t. I have suggested that he call my son more often than 3-4 times a year. He still won’t. I have asked him to stop leaving our son with family members for most of his visitations that he does exercise. He gives me nothing but excuses. I am not the cause of my ex not seeing my son more often. He does that all on his own.
The reason I am trying to resolve this, is because I have had to watch my son, who by the way is 11, cry when I have gotten him up for school, when he has only gotten 5 hours of sleep. That is what is not fair. His "revenge" against me over the child support, is hurting my son. I am more than willing to meet him halfway, but he is refusing out of nothing more than spite. My son has complained numerous times about how my ex treats him, but there isn’t anything that I would be able to call CPS about.
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Tagged with: 5 months • best interest • child support • christmas • family members • lawyer • spring break • thanksgiving • visitation rights • visitations
Filed under: Ways To Get An Ex Back
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First off you need to have everything documented fully and without emotions. Meaning Dates/Times/Locations/Witnesses/Conversations/Etc.. (if you really want to get specific weather, etc.). Also you need to make sure you document ALL the missed visitations as well.
Then you need to get a letter from the pediatrician that your son needs to have atleast X hours of sleep to properly function in school. Also get a letter from his teacher(s) stating that his work suffers when he has the shortened hours of sleep – no matter if it is just on Mondays or additional days.
Then you need to make sure you get an attorney who is actually going to do something and send your ex a letter through his attorney if necessary, requesting that all custody exchanges be made at a neutral location that is 1/2 between both households. Also have the attorney mention in the letter that you would like a firm commitment that he will be honoring VISITATION Agrement in FULL from this point forward. Have the attorney put in the letter that all correspondences regarding this matter is to be through their office and this matter is to NOT be discussed with your son as this is a matter between the PARENTS.
When all else fails Take him to court and Ask that the custody exchanges be at a 1/2way point in a neutral location, That the Visitiation Schedule be Fullfilled as agreed upon OR your Child Support Again be Increased as he is not fullfilling his duties.
Good Luck
Edit
I understand you want to keep your son out of it but this is about him and it is now time to have him talk to the judge about his feelings and about what happens at his dad’s. The judges know how to deal with this type of situation. Keep a full documentation of everything your son tells you – or better yet get your son to pu his feelings/experiences into his own words – like a journal.
and why is it you get most of the custody,, you didnt mention that,, people in custody cases lie,, did you honestly lie about your ex to get custody, if you did then that is not in the best interest of the child, offer to give your ex more time with HIS son and it will clear up,, my mom pulled all that c r a p on my dad, i found out later and hated my mom ever since, she basically kept me from my dad because she was mad at him, i finally got a nice relationship with my dad and told my mom to screw off,, give your son more time with his father, thats what a boy needs,
do as your lawyers says make sure to to be dead on on what you want you case is easier then mine………….my sons father live over seas doesn’t pay child support i sent my son last summer paid for everything he told me he wasn’t going to send him back i freaked he did send him back but now I’m the one who isn’t sending my son over there again the Truth is he’s trying to see if you’ll give in and let him keep your son. i just cut ties with my sons father i know I’m going to pay for it later but he’s over seas and i cant run the chance that he trys some thing stupid this well get better just be strong
In the letter tell him that he needs to start being more considerate of not you his son. If he can’t see you half-way to drop off or pick up his own son he has no right to be even consider a father. Remember just because he had a part in making him doesn’t make him father, a father is someone of cares about their offspring and wants the best for them. Tell him if he doesn’t start considering the feelings of his son he’ll lose visitation rights. Chances are he may or may not care, but if he does care about having a interaction with his son than he’ll agree to the letter and start to be more considerate. If he doesn’t worst case scenario he may want to give up visitation rights, if that does happen you’ll have to explain that to your son, but hopefully that doesn’t have to happen. But if does you should tell your son that Daddy had to assignment to do for his job and he may not get to see him until he’s grown up. I know it may sound like it won’t work, but I had to do that to my four and three year olds. They swallowed it, but not without the water works. You should just list all the things he’s doing and tell him the side effects it’s having on you and his son( Make sure to make you son’s side effects more important, make sure to stress it, but don’t lie) Date the letter and the time. And have him sign it that he received it and have him date and time it.
Forget about it, pick your son up when you have to at the right time, apparently its only three or four times a year. Little enough to deal with, he could decide to see him every week, and then you would have a problem.
If you leave him alone he will lose interest in getting back at you, if you go the lawyer route, he will go the lawyer route and you will both have nothing but bills to show for it.
He isn’t doing anything not specified in the decree, so what exactly are you going to complain to him about…that hes not being nice? Isn’t that why you split up in the first place?
I’m sorry if I’ve angered some here with this answer, I’m divorced with kids whose father left thirty years ago.
I have no pity for the man who plays these games, but lawyers will tell you you can do things, but there is no way you can change the agreement without going to court.
And starting the never ending round of fight, go to court, fight , go to court, its a dance that only makes the lawyers rich.
If you can’t talk to your ex and just tell him that your son is too tired to go to school, and he doesn’t care, no court or lawyer is going to make him care. In real life you have your agreement and the courts will feel that all hes asking is that you stay with that agreement. They man even tell you to move closer to him so there isn’t so much distance, and you wouldn’t want that.
i am so sorry that you and your son are having a tough time>What are your sons views on this matter as he also has a voice even at 9>why is your lawyer not writing the letter to your ex ? I have been in a similar situation and on those occasions the court still gave my ex rights over our children and it took 4 years before the courts finally listened to me and put an end to it (do you what to put your son through this kind of thing?) How does he treat your son when he has him? The only other suggestion is speak to social work dept and think very carefully before you go ahead and do this as it can open a very large can of worms.But this could be classed as un-necessary cruelty to a child
Your 11 year old can refuse not to go and by some courts (incase of my step siblings when my step dad went through this) was allowed to have a "say’ if they wanted to see their mom or not.
I agree with your lawyer. Write the letter stating (not flaming, just stating) that agreement is to be met and if not, rights of visituation will be terminated until further notice of court of law. Vistuations will be limited to your house on specific dates he is suppose to have them under supervision. If not met these requirments, it will be terminated until futhre notice of the court of law.
It’s funny how we have so much in common. I went through the same thing with my ex. He chose to return to the Air Force after we divorced. Had a great paying job with Lockheed! He was transfered to Arizona, 2000 + miles away from us. It was 18 months after he moved before he finially decide to see our kids. He calls me up tells me he wants to get the kids so I packed their bags and had them ready to go at the time and date he said he would be by to get them. It was on a Saturday the day before Father’s Day. Our oldest was 9yrs old. The other two were 6 and 4. My grandmother on my dad’s side was having a family reunion. It started at 12pm. He said he would pick them up at 10 am that morning. Well 10am came and went. 11am came and went. No phone call or nothing. So at 12 I took my kids with me to the reunion and left my recorder[ back in the day] on and left him a note on the front door where we were. And told him to come up there to get them cause we would be there all afternoon. I watched our oldest sit in a metal chair crying all day cause she couldn’t understand why he didn’t show. I went back to my house several times that afternoon to check the recorder and to check if he came by and found the note on the front door. Nothing, each time. My mom would keep an eye on them while I drove back home to check. I did this like 4 times that afternoon and we lived 25 miles from my grandmothers house. We went home about 5pm that after noon to finially receive a voice message. He said "I decide to waite and get the kids on my way home tommorw cause I’m going to a party with my sister tonight." Talk about getting mad. I watch our child cry and be depressed all day long cause he didn’t show and here they haven’t seen him or heard from him in 18 months and it was more important to go to a party with his sister then see his kids. He got transfered to N.Caroline and he began to come into town more often but he never called to tell us that. I would find out he was here like a week later. He never made any effort to see them unless it benefited him some how. Honestly I think the more you try to ask them to see the kids the worst it gets. It seems to give the impression they think you just want to go out partying and they want to mess it up for you. When all you really want is them to spend time with their child. A control issue once again. I stop trying and let it go down the it was and to this day now two of the 3 kids want nothing to do witht their dad. And now he doesn’t understand why. Duh! I think you need to do exactly what your lawyer said. What this is going to do is show the court that you are trying to be civil with him. And that you’ve got your sons best interest in mind. I would tell him that: I understand that we both have differences. An I’m truely sorry that you feel that you are being wrong in so many ways here. But we need to agree on what is best for our son now and focus on what we can do to make this difficult transition his had to go through easier. If you wish to discuss this matter further then we need to talk and not fight over who is picking him up and who is bring him home. He needs to know we both love him and we both want what’s best for him. If your in agreement with this please call me and we can set up a meeting. Then let the ball fall where it may. If he doesn’t responed then go back to the lawyer and show him the letter and were you sent it certified and return receipt. This will show you who signed for the letter. Then let your lawyer handle it from there.