How did you overcome infidelity and saved your marriage?
I would like to know how you coped with the emotional affair of your partner when he/she has been honest about it – doesn;t deny it
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Tagged with: emotional affair • infidelity • marriage
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Contrary to other’s postings, I thought my marriage was saving. He did too. The affair- shortlived- came out of nowhere it seemed (to me) although for him there was some emotional connection beforehand that I didn’t see. Anyways, I never, ever, ever thought I’d be able to forgive. But something in me told me to.
How I coped in a nutshell: Leaned on God really, really hard. Prayed a ton, and cried my eyes out. Prayed, prayed and prayed some more.
He wanted to fix our broken marriage also, so he is doing whatever I ask him to do and so far he’s been good with everything I ask. He sometimes doesn’t like certain things (admitting to a counselor what he did etc) but he does them anyways. He’s much more attentive now and doesn’t take me for granted anymore, because there was a point where I almost left him and he knew it was serious. I think theres a difference between not denying it & caring about the marriage, and not denying it and not caring. If he doesn’t care about you guys still, theres no hope.
We’ve had a lot of long conversations, a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of arguments, but we’re working through everything. We both believe we have something worth salvaging and it will be stronger then before, once we get through this mess. I don’t trust him anymore, but I do love him, and the trust will eventually come back over time. It hasn’t been that long.
I wish you guys all the best. I know what it feels like.
EDIT: To the poster below with the crack/tarnished mirror analogy, thats where my faith comes in. I think with God, you can take a piece of glass, shatter it, and he can restore it to a state of absolute brillance- better then what it was before. His word flat out says "he makes things new". I beleive that and so far I have seen that.
I wish I could say I got past it but I didn’t. We went to counseling and did all the exercises but I just couldn’t get past the betrayal. I really did try though.
in b4 Fireproof
No matter if there’s admission or not. Most will not admit it. I did NOT save something that was terribly broken. It’s not worth it………♥♥
Fixing the reason why the affair occurred. It’s not all one-sided. Accepting that BOTH individuals need to change IF they want the relationship to work; however, from watching my mom have 2 affairs on my father – they’ve been so unhappy for 20 years. He never forgets, always brings it up, can’t get over it or admit that he played a little part in it.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100127124601AAZYFEb (mine)
He ‘cheated’ with his psychiatric meds by not taking them properly and mixing them with alcohol.
I saved my sanity and self respect by ending the marriage.
BTW he refused to stop ‘cheating’ and still is messing with his meds so I hear….
the bigger question should be "WHY do you want to save such marriage"?
Once that is very clear to you, saving it will be a "piece of cake".
Humans are not meant to be monogamous. We put ourselves in constrained situations and are surprised when something snaps?
First, you have to realize it is possible to love more than one person.
Second, you have to realize there are many types of love. We love children different than our friends, different still than our lover(s).
Third, is this a relationship worth saving according to both parties? Each had to agree to want to make it work.
Fourth, go to counseling. It will be work but you will grow as people and be the better for it whether you stay in or not.
Best of luck.
I wouldn’t even wanna save a marriage like that, because he’ll probably do it again.
I haven’t experienced infidelity, per se…signs were there, but never proved the actual act. Never thought real emotions were involved, pure sex. But i have several friends who decided to stick it out as did I. It’s not easy and can be a long, difficult process. You must love one another and want it to work between you. Counseling or therapy may be needed, but not always. Both parties have to be willing to work. There are plenty of books and websites to visit. It also helps to have other couples and friends that support the two of you, and also a spiritual connection. It can be done, it takes time. If you say you forgive you have to forgive and move forward and don’t look back. It takes a strong individual to be able to forgive and move forward. You will never forget, but love conquers all..a good man/woman is not a perfect man/woman, but one that can admit their short comings and make a genuine effort to fix them and move forward.
i really tried for a month after i found out and then i decided that i couldnt look at him with the same adoring eyes as i did before i knew about it. and if i cant trust my guy, then the relationship is over.
if he wanted to live in denial, that is his problem. but it became my reality and the only way to burst the bubble was to leave him. and i did.
when i contemplated working things through with my man, my 26 yo brother told me that polishing a cracked and tarnished mirror might get the mirror working. but the reflection will never ever be the same.
Well in true serious answer form,
Emotional affairs, are not affairs really. Affairs start at swapping bodily fluids.
It could be infidelity though depending on where the emotions led them.
Get the book,"After The Affair" by Janice Spring.
$15 in paperback.
You will get no better advice than that except to read it too.
When we finally got past the anger and could communicate effectively, we began talking about when we were happier and trying to find out what caused us to grow apart enough for this to happen. I didn’t place blame, we just talked. When you are able to let go of the anger and deal with the real issues that is when you can determine what went wrong. It is usually something that has been lacking in the relationship.It is not your fault that he had an affair but something in the mariage was broken. Explore in your mind as what it could be and speak to your husband. Ask him what you could have done to make the mariage better. Ask him what he felt was missing in the relationship. Beg him to be honest with you because you want the marriage to work. We never went to seek professional help, we just talked it out and gradually trust was rebuilt. That was 15 years ago. My marriage is better than it ever was before the affair. Good luck