Why does a nice guy, loving and loyal husband, proud father fall out of love with wife of 12 years?
My wife and I have been together for 12 years. The first 10 and a half were loaded with ups and downs as lifes roller coaster moves along. My wife and I have been through tons of good times and tons of bad times as well. She has stuck by my side through thick and thin. She has been there for me every time I have fallen flat on my face to pick me up, brush me off, and set me back on my horse. Why now, after all these years do I feel as though I love her for who she is, but that I feel empty inside myself and that I feel incapable of showing her the love that she deserves and giving her the life I want for her to have. She is so in love with me that it hurts me to hurt her this way. She has had a really negative life before me (negative childhood, negative and abusive first marriage, depression, anxiety, negative influences, etc), and all I want for her is for her to be happy and to have a good life. But, with the loss of my job after being laid off earlier this year, everything has gone down hill, fast. I have had difficulty in obtaining another career which would provide for her the way I want to provide for her. I feel as though I am a failure as a husband, a lover, a friend and, a father. These feelings have caused me to not love myself, much less anyone else. I fear that all I have done over the last year is hurt her, but she won’t tell me so. I sense it, I feel it, I see it. Our financial stability down the drain, in a negative balance in all of our bank accounts as we are overdrawn, my retirement account tapped out, our investments sold off and the funds used up, potentially on the verge of bankruptcy, our financially secure future up in smoke (??). What makes this more difficult for me is that we have an 11 yr old son together. Our son knows we are having difficulties and he is also aware that his mother and I may be on the verge of seperation/divorce. She is doing all she can, as she always has, to support me, help me, be there for me, but all I do is turn her away and I can’t help but think that if I can’t provide what I want for her, then, it’s best to let her go. I am in extreme turmoil and duress. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, have no feeling, no emotion, an empty shell, can’t make love, but, I LOVE HER, and I can’t show her. I can tell her, but the words feel as though they are hollow when I hear myself say it. She feels it. She senses it.
I fear that my own pride, my own fear, my own anxiety, my own issues are tearing me apart inside, and, therein, tearing apart my relationship with her. For the love that I have for her, I feel that it is best to stop dragging her down with me. I think it best to let her go so that she can go on with her life and not go down in flames with me. She says "…for better or for worse…", but, how can I continue to hurt her by not being able to provide her the life I promised myself and her that I would do my best to give. I pride myself in not hurting ANYONE, but here I am, hurting the one person in my life that has loved me for me, the one person I swore to hold and cherish til death do I part. I have told her that I do love her, but that I am just incapable of showing her. I have told her that I feel it is best for her to leave me so that she does not watch the man she married fall to shambles. I feel that if it was meant to be, and the love that we had was real all along, love will return her to me when I am stable again, but, how much more can I hurt her due to my own failures. Help. I am losing it, I am losing everything I am and I feel as though I have come to the end of my only opportunity to love for eternity.
Oh, and by the way, I am 35, she is 39. She has so much more in store for her out there than I can be and she does not need a failure for a husband. She says, supportively of course, that I am not a failure, but until I can feel in myself that I am not a failure, I can’t believe it from her or anyone else.
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Tagged with: bank accounts • bankruptcy • depression anxiety • divorce • failure • feelings • financial stability • good times • investments • job • love • Loyal Husband • marriage • negative balance • nice guy • Proud Father • retirement account • roller coaster • ups • ups and downs • verge
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Deep Hurt,
Ignore that idiot who said about a Pity Party. People like him are the last thing you need right now.
What you DO need to do is get yourself quick smart down to your Doctor, and tell him what you have told us.
YES, you are depressed, and you need something to pull you out of this hole you are in. Anti-depressants will get you the sleep you need, and balance out the chemicals in your brain that are making you feel this way.
How do I know all this? Because my Hubby went through an episode of depression a few years back, and that’s what he had to do. Everything got on top of him – too many things going wrong all at once – and that’s what has happened to you. It’s no surprise you feel like you do.
You haven’t fallen out of love with your wonderful wife, you are just not feeling very loving to anyone at the moment, including yourself.
Your wife is being very supportive, which will help you immensely to get back on your feet. Comments like "pull yourself together" will not help… she is doing things right. She wants the best for you, the same as you want for her.
Get down to your Doctor, and believe me, within the week you will feel more emotionally able to tackle your problems.
It sounds like your most important aim is to find another job. If you can’t find something that you are trained to do, take something on the short term, if you can find something, just to get the moneyflow situation moving again. Or get yourself signed on at the jobcentre, and get some money from the Government to keep things moving along. You have paid your taxes in the past, so you are entitled to ask them to help you out for a while.
Also, if you are in arrears with your mortgage, tell them ,and they can change your mortgage to an Interest Only one for the time being. It makes the mortgage longer to pay off, but it will make things a LOT easier on the short term. They don’t want you to lose your home, (not because they are nice caring people, but because they don’t want the hassle of taking it off you and having to sell it to get their money back) but you MUST let them know you are in difficulties.
I guess for all the other bills you will have to speak to someone like the Citizens Advice to find your best route.
Feel free to message me if it helps.
I hope you feel better very very soon. It will be a long struggle, but your wife loves you and wants to be there with you when you both get out the other end of this tunnel.
All the very best.
Talk about a pity party,
Mate we have all felt like crap at some point in our lives, no job, no money etc but why oh why would you destroy everything that is still good in your life.
You are being selfish and childish, you say you love her, you say she supports you but you cant seem to see past yourself.
Seriously if you leave her you will regret it so much, show her the man you are, go and bloody clean toilets to earn money if you have to.
Step up and be a man
Sorry for the harshness of this answer I can see you are hurting but if you do what you say you want to the hurt with get so much worse for you, your wife and your child.
Oh and go and see your Doctor you seem to be suffering from depression
First and for most get yourself together!
You love her and she loves you and she sound like the BEST WIFE IN THE WORLD! Marriage is all about ups and downs! That’s just how life goes!
She married you for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer till death do you part.Those were real words coming out of both of y’alls mouth.
I know that you feel like your less of a man but you are not!! Hold on in there and just don’t give up!
Life is hard and I hate to hear all of this that has happen to your family!
Please don’t make her life any miserable then she all ready is. She hates to see how this is effecting you and it’s effecting her and your son as well. She is doing the best that she can right now and she is holding on to dear life trynna make ends meet and the worst thing that she can see is her husband falling apart.
You need to be talking to God and go to him in Prayer and just let it all out and ask God to please help you get out of this mess. God won’t put more on you then you can handle!
Please don’t give up on you, your wife, your son, They need you to be complete!! The storm will pass and you may not be able to see it now but a time will come when you will no longer suffer!
Talk to your wife and let her know that you can’t financially can’t be all that you can be but you sure as hell will not give up on being the best husband you can be for her and your family!!!
Your suffering from depressing right now so that’s why you feel the way that you do. Go to your church if you attend one and ask for help!
Keep looking for jobs every day and something will happen for you. You have got to belive and know that a change will come. Have Faith!!!
May God Bless and I know that it will get better before you know it.
You need to tell her how you fell. This just another down hill but just wait …the rollercoaster goes up.
You’re looking in the wrong direction. It’s not your wife you’re out of love with, it’s yourself.
You’re suffering from depression, and why not? You’ve got reason to do so. We marry the men in our lives because we love them, and yes, through sickness and health, and all the other troubles inbetween.
What guarantee have you that if your wife was on her own, she wouldn’t have more troubles? She could be married to a man who mistreated her, but instead she considers herself lucky to have you.
You’re not hurting her by not providing for her – that’s part of life and the crosses we all bear.
You’re hurting her by rejecting her. Your wife loves you, there’s no guarantee that she would find anyone else. She wants to be with you, accept that – stop navel gazing!
And go and see a doctor.
yeah, right, sure she will find someone. maybe some half dead 70 year old . i am 39 too and i would stick to my husband too. cos i don’t have any other option. and people tell me i am shallow when i say that money is the most important in the relationship. do u agree with me now? would u be having all this turmoil if u had a nice job and a nice career and a nice, secure income? the presence of money makes life so much easier. she ain’t going anywhere pal, she is too old now. so suck it up and try to find some job
Quit your whining. Look around you and you’ll see that your not the only dude in your situation.
Find a job, any job and then do it well. Don’t worry about trying to live up to what you think her expectations are of you. Let’s say that the only job that you can land is the greater at Wal-Mart. After your there, where can you go to? Can you work your way to stocker?
Remember that if your on the ground floor, the only way is up. So blow your nose and start climbing.
I think your wife can help you alot more then I can, she told you:She says, supportively of course, that I am not a failure, and shes right, your not a failure. Your feeling this way because you lost your job and dont think your worthy of her love because you cant give her what she needs or wants. If that were true dont you think that she would have left on her own by now? 12 years is a long time to spend with someone, growing with them, learning about them, knowing what they like and dislike, what they love and dont love.
Alot of people can give you alot of advice up here, and you will either take it or leave it depending on how you feel about the advice.
My advice is talk to your wife. Be open and honest with her about everything. Tell her how you feel and why you feel this way. After 12 years of being your wife she knows you better then we do. Listen to each other. If you feel that the best thing is to let her walk out the door because you feel depressed and unworthy, imagine how much worse your going to feel after she walks out and the door closes behind her, not only that, think about how she is going to feel about walking out that door leaving you feeling the way you do. You are each others support system, best friend.
Not sure if i can convince you to take my advice, talk to your wife listen to how she feels about how your feeling. Find out her feelings about how your feeling about everything.
Communication is so important in a marriage.
If it helps any I lost my job too. Well I quit for wage reasons and the day I was to speak to the owner and find out when to come back, the hotel was burnt down. A lady tried to commit suicide by setting her room on fire and locking the door. She survived and no one else was hurt or injuried either. But now I dont have that job to go back to now either. My husband has been very supportive and is so positive everyting is going to work out, just give it time. He works, and is paying all the bills right now paycheck to paycheck,not much to live on really after the bills are paid but they are paid, we have a roof, clothing, food and most of all we have each other, the most wonderful support system ever. Take away the roof, the food the clothing I can live without all that, what i cant live w/out is my family, my husband and my kids. So get dressed go get a temporary job until the one that you really want becomes available. Getting out of the house you’ll feel better, less depressed and you wife will be very proud of you.
Take a job thats available right now to help out the best you can, it sure beats sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and being depressed.. Good Luck
wow this sounds like my life now but the other way round you see I’m 39 and she’s 32 we’ve been married 15 years you see my wife have falling out of love with me and fell into a deep depression which is killing me inside because no matter what she say I feel that there is someone else I moved out of my home and is staying with a co worker. any way like your wife I stood behind my wife in her most darkest hours if not physically mentally you see I am in the military and I have deployed twice during my deployment bad thing happen to her that I can’t be there for her so she feels that I am undependable in her hour of need, since i’ve been back she stays out until the early hours in the morning leaving our two kids along (16 and 14) for hours she claims she hanging with her friends I know that this can’t be true if anybody can feel your pain I think I can the best thing for you to do is try talking to her about it and try to fix the problems together because life is to short to be along at the end and if you got someone do whatever you need to do to keep the bond and love even if you got to start from scratch with them to do it. good luck
I don’t think you’ve fallen out of love with her. You’ve fallen out of love with yourself. Hard financial times are the reality for many and on the horizon for the rest of us. We can’t all LOSE it now! Now is the time to stick with the ones you love and realize that the people in your life are wayyy more important than your paycheck and investments. Let her know how you feel and be the man. Make a plan for your family. Realize that as long as you basic needs are being met, and you have love for each other, you can continue to have a happy life. If your wife comes from a hard background, she probably knows whats most important. Listen to her. Work together to build a new life if the old one isn’t there anymore.
This is something we’re all going to have to do. We have to change our vision of what success is and get back to basics. Success to me is a happy, well balanced family who loves each other. Not a bunch of material things.
Good luck