Please review the prologue of my novel? What do you think of it? :D Thanks!?
Background info: it’s set waaay back when in a world similar to ours but different in many ways, near a place similar to Stonehenge.
***
A woman’s high keening pierced the unnatural stillness of the balmy afternoon.
The entire population of the small village, all one hundred and twelve of them, had come to witness the sad spectacle.
A young girl, not yet twelve years old, clung to her wailing mother in the middle of the village square. Her mother clung to her just as hard in return.
A tall, white-haired woman in a flowing silk robe stood in front of them. She held herself straight and tall, and radiated a grave confidence. Only the lines upon her face betrayed her age.
The wise old High Priestess spoke with slow solemnity as she condemned the child before her.
“By all the power and goodwill of the almighty spirits that watch over us, let this girl become sacrifice to you, great spirits, and let her endanger us no more! Protect us! Let her be gone from our peaceful settlement, and be punished for her sins! Let the spirits of fate determine what becomes of her, and guard us from the black luck she has brought down upon us! Shield us from the forbidden magic of yours that she has meddled in!”
The High Priestess paused, inhaled deeply, and called clearly to all the assembled villagers, “Hesta is one of us no more! Her name shall not be spoken again for three twelvemonths from this day – she is the property of the eternal spirits henceforth.”
With that the aging woman cast a cloud of red ochre over the girl, still cowering by her mother at the High Priestess’ feet.
The heartbroken woman broke her daughter’s grip and stumbled away quickly, before the magical ochre could touch her and include her in the curse. She collapsed in a heap at the fringe of the crowd, sobbing and crying out for her lost daughter.
The girl still stood there in the middle of the square, covered in red powder and staring numbly at the people surrounding her, her mind not willing to comprehend that what she had been dreading all this time had actually happened.
Slowly people began to turn their backs and return to their homes. Hesta was already banished, untouchable, to the villagers now. Even the High Priestess turned away – no-one saw the dampness in her eyes and the pain clear on her face.
Tears ran silently down Hesta’s face too, creating smudgy rivulets in the bright dust there.
A wordless cry escaped her lips, and she ran through the familiar streets of the town that had been her home, kept running, until she was well outside the borders of the village. She did not stop until she literally collapsed, black spots clouding her vision.
Gasping and shuddering, she cried herself to sleep in the wilderness.
***
The book is mainly about a boy called Furn, who meets this Hesta when he moves into the village. Seeing as she is banished, she is greatly feared, like the spirits, and there are grave punishments for anyone who is found to be or have been in contact with her. Dispite the rules, they are still friends and continue to see each other without anyone knowing. However, at some stage Furn’s schoolyard enemy finds out and plans to tell the whole town at the upcoming festival. So it is up to Hesta and Furn to come up with a way of making him look like he is lying… dun-dun-DUNN! ![]()
So: any ideas for improvement?
Any title ideas??? So far I’ve just got ‘Hesta’s Story’ but that obviously HAS to be changed.
Also, what do you think of the spelling of Furn’s name? Should it be Fern (but that’s a girl’s name, right?), Firn, or Forn? I’m toying with Forn at the moment, but it was originally intended to be Fern, or at least pronounced like that.
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This is my first real novel, so please help me out! Thank you! ![]()
aw, you people~! *blushes profusely*
youse are making me all full of myslef! lolz. thanks all!
and yeah, i do plan to eventually send it to a publisher… *gulp*
anyway, thanks!!
Related Information:
Tagged with: background info • confidence • Curse • fate • Fringe • goodwill • heap • heartbroken woman • high priestess • keening • novel • peaceful settlement • population • Prologue • red ochre • sacrifice • sad spectacle • silk robe • solemnity • spirits • stillness • stonehenge • twelve years • white haired woman • witness • young girl
Filed under: Ways To Get An Ex Back
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Good job, but you can always do better. The prologue is quite okay, but remember that is the first thing readers read when they want to know what the story is about, the more intriguing, the better.
Another point is that when you name your characters, make sure you name them properly and not just because its unique.There are two ways of naming. One is to name them properly, but won’t be stuck inside the reader’s head for long because of the common name. But if you were to use your names, it would be special and will have a impact on the reader. It generally makes the book more interesting to read…
I wish you luck finding the appropriate title. =D
intersting but you have to write it in a formal way this is informal
pretty fucking amazing!
i NEVER leave positive comments, but jesus christ mate! you hit this on the spot!
if you dont get this published, i’m going to hunt you down, and hit on right on the eye.
this is amazing, you have a real talent!
Your writing is excellent and the plot line sounds interesting. I really want to read this now! Keep writing!
Wow, that’s some really amazing words you have there. I won’t be surprised if I see one of your books a bestseller.
I like the idea of exile, but the whole schoolyard bully thing kinda wrecked it for me. Sorry. I’m sure you’ll improve it though. (:
I think the title should be ‘Ochre’.
Good luck with your novel!
That was really good!!
Are u going to get it published?
U should!!
I really really like it so far!
About the name for the boy, I liked the original Furn. Fern to me sounds like a girls name, and Forn and Firn look sort of… weird to me. I kind of like the name "Furin" too.
About the title…I’m sorry. I’m really bad with titles with my own stories…lol.
"Dangerous Encounters of Love"
"Despite All" (like despite all shes done and any consequences he’ll have to go through he’ll love her)
uh…lol. Good luck with that.
Lines Upon Earth
there maybe a conceit in that title idea you can use to flesh out the complications of their relationship edt:(, and also the politics of the publicisation of it.)
Don’t let all of this get to your head. There are too many better writers no matter what your level, unless you’re a born Delillo or something. Just work. All the best.
Edt: the other answer Ochre also gives some interesting options with respect to your story. Ochre>dust>smoke screen, for instance. Ochre>cosmetics. Easy association is Ochre>taboo, the mystical.
I love it!
I think the boy’s name should be Furn. Forn makes me think ‘Forgotten’ and Firn makes me think ‘Firm’. But maybe that’s what your looking for…
Maybe the title could be ‘Forbidden’ or ‘Banished’ or ‘Lies’ or ‘The Uncovered Truth’ or ‘Lost Girl’ or ‘Home no More’ or ‘Black Luck’ or ‘Untouchable’ or ‘The Fate of Hesta’ or ‘Uncovered Hesta’ or ‘Hiding Hesta’, etc. Some of those sound cheesy even to me, but I typed what came into my mind.
Excellent work! For a title I like Ochre, Banished, or Cast out
My biggest suggestion is don’t stop and don’t slow down! write until its done! often if you stop for any length of time it will be hard to finish. and this is too good to leave undone!
Have the title related to whatever she did to be banished. It sounds like a great story idea.