How can I get my wife to want sex again?
My wife and I have been together for 8 1/2 years. The first couple years sex was great. We have 2 kids now and as time’s past, her interest in sex has vanished. For a while she would say that she just got tired early and asked me to help out with stuff around the house. Over the years, I’ve started taking on more and more to help around the house. I do laundry, grocery shop, manage the finances, cook great dinners, help with the kids, clean up around the house, do the dishes… I try to help with everything. Now that she doesn’t have such a huge workload at home, nothing has changed. She says she just doesn’t want it. She is a beautiful woman. I tell her all the time. I compliment her eyes, smile, hair, body, everything. I stay home so she can have girls nights out. I’m romantic. I buy her flowers and candy. I surprise her with little things with special meaning. I put a lot of thought into what I do for her to make it special, just because. I stay in great shape. I workout often an make sure I dress well for her and smell nice. Sometimes I even wait until she’s on her way home to shower just to make sure I smell a good as possible. I don’t get it. I don’t ask much of her. Not anymore. I help her with everything or just do it myself so she doesn’t have to. All I ask of her is love and affection and intimacy. I believe sex is a strong bond and is needed in a healthy marriage. I can’t just ask her to lay down and take it either. I can’t do it if she doesn’t want it. I feel bad. I want the moment to be shared. What can I do? I love my wife. I know I’m a good husband. I’m not going to look for it somewhere else. I would never cheat on my wife and "taking it into my own hands" doesn’t do it for me. It may help with the urge at the moment, but doesn’t hold me over long. I want to make love to my wife. We’ve had great times in bed. I try to make sure she enjoys it. Help please. I don’t know what to do. This has been my issue with our relationship for years. I’ve corrected a lot of the issues she’s had with me. Any suggestions/input?
We are both 27 years old. I still act like a man. I just added more to my daily list. I still have a man’s humor. Still watch sports all the time. Still have a strong testosterone. I still act like a man. I just have a sensative side and like to make the people around me happy. I don’t act like a woman. I just respect them and don’t pull the "that’s women’s work" card. Men should help out. She works late (until around 6:30, so I make dinner because the kids need to eat at a reasonable hour). I don’t come up "short" by any means. I know I’m above average in size.
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Read what you wrote out loud, you aren’t even a man anymore, no wonder she doesn’t want you. You are one part gay roommate and one part doormat. You said it’s been an issue for years, so really, what’s the odds you can change it, you already do everything but have her periods for her!
You do realize that you are getting close to that 10 year mark where depending on your state, you might have to pay her alimony for the rest of her life when you guys split up.
You both need counseling, she’s obviously got issues and so do you to allow yourself to just be used for years at a time.
Be honest, read your question again and ask yourself if it describes happiness, if it describes everything you thought marriage would be…………..dude, you are screwed and you can’t even see it.
Forbid it. They always want what they cant have.
This could me something to due with her physically, I think she should see a doctor about this. She may not being doing it because she has no sex drive and that can be fixed, talk to her and go see a doctor and see if everything is okay and if you 2 can do something to change your lack of sex.
Your wife’s lack of sexual desire may have nothing to do with you. A woman’s hormones change a lot after child birth, the hormonal shifts can cause change in mood. She may be mildly depressed. I only bring this up because I was depressed for years, and in this time my sex drive did not exist. I didn’t even want to fantasize or masturbate. I was also constantly tired. It may be a difficult topic to bring up, but try to see how your wife is emotionally. She may just be a little bit depressed.
I think it’s mostly out of your hands now.. I think it’s up to her to change, and I don’t think you can really help her do that.
This is a tough situation. You sound like you’ve done everything in your power to help her change her mind. Have you told her all of this? Maybe if she understands how you feel, she will be more willing.
It is possible she’s cheating on you.
If not, she should see a doctor because this is not normal. She could have some kind of anxiety or some other problem that she isn’t willing to discuss with you.
possible menopause my gf of 5 yrs had a full hystorectomy and is going thru early menopause,, she has 0 sex drive,, but im told that is due to having thyroid removal as well,dont feel bad we havent had relations well all the way in almost two years.. she performs but isnt in the mood,, so its a mood killer my suggestion is get her to the dr, make sure its not a medical condition,, good luck man and i feel for you
I would suggest taking her away somewhere romantic, perhaps Prague or Paris. It would get her out of her element and possibly make her feel young and free again.
Absence also tends to make people desire each other again. If you get the chance to go on a business trip, take it. If you can go out of state to visit family for a week or so, do it. It may help rekindle her attraction for you.
Another option – and it may sound extreme – is to turn cold towards her, stop doing everything for her, and behave like you couldn’t care less if she even looks at you. This may arouse her curiosity and she could end up trying to do whatever she can to get your attention back.
Some women lose their desire for their husbands after having children. It’s very common. But some women also will do what they can to please their husband, even if they are tired or just not interested in it. Talk to her about this, let her know that you need her to try to please you as much as you please her. If pleasing you doesn’t come naturally to her, then she needs to force it.
Lastly, if she absolutely refuses to have sex – you may just have to give up hope. We can’t always change our partners. If she refuses to please you in bed, you eventually will have to either accept it and love it or leave – and it sounds like leaving isn’t an option.
Good luck!
you have done everything by the book, and this guy who gets all he wants does pretty much the same stuff you do, and has a wonderfully thankful lady.
by everything you have said, the only options left is a weekend together where you have a really deep and meaningful talk. i think something is bothering her, and maybe she needs to get it off her chest and is afraid of hurting you.
the other option is professional counseling. i tend to shy away from religious and md counselors.
i haven’t looked this up for a long time but i believe SICUS or something close is ther professional sex therapy org.
then there are the marriage and family counselors.
good luck.
by the way, we need regular orgasms to keep our prostates healthy and there is strong evidence that regular orgasms prevent prostate cancer. taking care of yourself, while undesirable to you might be a healthy choice, and it will definately make you a little mellower, tho that doesn’t seem to be a problem.
best to you
Women go through life phases and so many factors affect their libidos. Don’t take it personally. It will only add undue pressure.
First of all, I applaud you for doing all the things you mentioned. Wow, she is lucky to have such a devoted husband.
You didn’t mention her age or her health status. Since you two once shared a healthy sex life, she must not harbor any negative attitudes about sex itself.
Sometimes, a woman does not feel sexual if she is unhealthy. There are a host of underlying medical issues that she could have that might be affecting her sex drive. Encourage her to get a check-up.
If the kids are too close to your bedroom, that would put a damper on her sex drive, too. She’s a mommy first. If this is the problem, whisk her away for an overnighter. Change of scenery, without the kids, will do wonders.
How does she feel about her own body? Does she feel sexy? Encourage her to exercise. Exercise really kicks in a woman’s libido.
Sometimes, when a woman doesn’t "use it" she loses it. The sex drive, I mean. I know I’m that way. My husband has to put pressure on me to "get back on the horse" so to speak and when I do, it rekindles sexual feelings once again.
Why not ask her to "lay down and take it?" And, instead of just jumping on her bones, have a night of sensual touching, explore her body slowly…Make it a night just for her pleasure. Her libido needs awakening.
How is your marriage in other areas, by the way? Do you have a good relationship otherwise? If there are other problems, surely they will surface in the bedroom, too.
If all is well, seek medical help, counseling and/or…try to jump start her again. That’s all I need once in a while. My husband recognizes it when I say no too often. He’s a great spark plug!
Somewhere your wife after having the kids doesnt feel attractive or as sexy as she used to. Your attempt to help is noteworthy but not effective. Have you tryed playing games, ie poker, (strip prefered) other board games that required responsed from your wife, women are noteworthy responders, we as men must find that response, you have been but it is not the one you prefer. Ask her talk to her and find out what has changed since the children came or when you used to enjoy sex. Is she open? Try sex games, Just for fun, Tell her how you feel now! Tell you are frustrated as a man and you need her help. Make sure you put her first. Send the kids to bed at a regular time. and ask her for 30 minutes of time to talk. Talk to her and get personal with her somewhere is your true answer, she has it you must find it out.
Well, since you are a romantic (by the way you sound like a wonderful man nevermind person) but anyways, you need to take control. Find a babysitter for a night, pick out what you want your wife to wear that night out, go to a nice restaurant, tell her everything you want her to know, and what she needs to hear, like compliments. Maybe after wards go for a walk in the park if not too cold out. Window shop and make her laugh and let her get to know you all over again. Show her that you can do this, then plan the rest of the night out as well, you know what I mean (wink, wink). She needs to know that you can lead this somewhere and if you play your cards right she will follow through with it. Good Luck.
I can think of three possible reasons for this: (1) your wife has a physical problem (i.e. hormonal issues); (2) your wife has a past history of sexual abuse that is affecting her; or (3) there is something very wrong in your marriage, causing your wife to simply not want to be intimate with you.
Unless this turns out to be a physical issue, I strongly suggest that you (and possibly she alone) seek appropriate counseling for this problem. Obviously you cannot force your wife to have sex with you, but I think you can insist upon this.
Honestly…i think you should just talk to her. Let her read the question you asked well what you wrote there you know….then again she might get mad cuz ur askin online about this,…talk to her. Seriously talk to her. Ask her what’s wrong what’s going on.
divorce and look for a new life, 6 years with no sex that’s too much.
could be many reasons and i don’t have any interest to hurt you but, many of the girls here said that it could be hormone change, emotional problem, medical problem and everything to excuse her, because she is a woman.
but it also could be that…
she lost the interest of having sex with you
she doesn’t find you attractive anymore
you may didn’t satisfied her in the past sexual acts
I hope you have it in the average size (you know what I mean)
and the worst of the case she may doesn’t love you anymore
or maybe she has another guy, don’t believe in my words but try to find it for yourself.
one thing I can suggest to agree with the rest of the answers… give her some more time and talk to her and invite her to go and see a counseling.
If any of these answers get you anywhere please email me and explain. I don’t do all the nice things that you do but believe I deserve a little.
Best of luck.
is it possible that she is too comfortable with you? i would withhold attention and love from her, just a little. i would take away all compliments. i would not buy her any flowers or candy. just act polite to her. you can even act like she did something wrong. i would even consider making something up that she did wrong.
she needs to be doing more of the work and chasing you more if she is going to be in love and wanting to be with you all of the time. it might work if she is still attracted to you.
to get sex, i recommend seducing her, not asking for it. i recommend reading the art of seduction by robert greene.