Please review part of the book i’m writing?
FYI: this has not been edited and keep in mind i’m only 13.
The book is about a witch and her family who are forced to move from there world of magic to a world of magic less mortals.
The Darkness
prologue
A soft swoosh of wind echoed in the background of my usually lively home. No one moved or said much today, or yesterday for that matter, enjoying the last few hours we had left here in silence. I didn’t want to leave, neither did my mom or sister. But we didn’t have a choice, it was leave or die. A single tear rolled warmly down my cheek, even though i promise myself i wouldn’t cry.
"Mom, do we really have to leave?", i begged for the millionth time today, not caring if i got the same lame excuse as the other times. " I just aced all of my finals and i’m at the top of my class. Plus Alexa and i aren’t trying to rip out each others throats as usual. We belong here mom, we really sincerley do," I made sure to put extra emphases on the last sentance.
My mom looked at me with a tired expression. " You know we have to leave Emily. Mizaray is not the same anymore, neither is Ezra. If we don’t leave, you and Alexa will be killed by the government for using underage magic. We must leave tonight or we may not have another chance to escape. Go and get your things, it’s time to leave," her tone was suddenly serious and parental.
My feet moved steadily up the stairs. All of this felt surreal like i was a ghost in a very vivid nightmare. My eyes felt fogged over, adding to the dream-like trance i was in. As i walked into my bedroom, i barely regognized it anymore. The normally cluttered shelf was empty, as was my dresser except for my wand and a picture of me when i was seven. Back then i looked so happy and carefree like nothing in the world would stop me from doing what i wanted. Seven years had changed a lot about me, now i was a scared and stressed fourteen year-old, wishing my life wasn’t about to change in ways i would never dream of.
Faintly i heard my mom grumble about me taking to long upstairs. Quickly, i went over and grabbed my two suitclases filled with my belongings. Thanks magic everything fit snuggly in the now gigantic space.
Alexa and i met at the stairs; her make-up was smeared on her face thanks to endless cascading tears.
Thanks for reading. Tell me what you thought of the book and if you would read it if it was ever published. ![]()
here’s some more of my book
She greeted me with a look of pure hatred as usual, but kept her nasty thoughts to herself. Alexa and i had been best friends and amazingly close sisters until she turned eighteen. Apparently she didn’t want to be seen with a so called ‘little kid’ anymore. Oh well, i simply ignored her as i walked past and down the rest of the stairs.
When i finally made it down my mom looked paranoid, in fear that we would be caught and…killed. Deep down, I too was in fear of being caught.
"Do you remember the spell," my mom asked, her voice breaking slightly at the end.
Of course i remembered the spell; i had been memorizing it for weeks now and had finally mastered it. Weakly I nodded yes, fearing my own voice might break if i used it.
" Well then, i guess it’s time to leave. Everyone grab your things and stay hidden. And Emily," she paused," have your wand ready as a precaution.
In synchronization we stepped out of the door, one silent dismal step at a time.
Related Information:
Tagged with: alexa • Book Writing • cheek • darkness • emphases • ezra • lame excuse • M 111 • magic • millionth time • mom • mortals • nightmare • nothing in the world • sentance • seven years • Silence • single tear • stairs • swoosh • time today • trance • wand • Witch • world of magic
Filed under: Ways To Get An Ex Back
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!




Yes, there are a lot of grammatical errors that will need fixing. You do have some nice usage of descriptive words though.
However, since I’m an author myself, I know how important it is to have an absolutely unique and attention-grabbing piece. There are many books out there about witches and wizards (for example: Harry Potter; Bras & Broomsticks, etc.) living in the "real world." The key is to make your story stand out amongst all the others.
Honestly if I were a publishing company, I wouldn’t take this in. There needs to be more filling. Practice saying the dialogue outloud and see how it sounds to you. Then you can decide what to take away or what you want to add in.
It will take some work, but I think you write a well thought-out story.
I LOVE it so far!! It is suspensful and makes you want to know what is going to happen next! I would definitely read it if it was a book. You are an awesome writer for 13! You have a lot of talent! Great story line!
WOW!!!! that was…um….GREAT!!! Oh my gosh you 13!!!!!!!!! gosh im 14 and i cant as good as you!!!! your story had such a deep dark plot and i loved it!!!! I WOULD DFINITELY LOVE TO READ MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! keep on writing! you could go far with that story!!!!!
No body moved in the expansive rooms of the home as the hush swoosh of a sword echo off the walls of the sparsely furnished rooms within the stately manor?
How big is this home? What type of decorations and furnishings are there?
You need to add details to paint a picture of what the home looked like as well as detail characters.
Do out lines of each character and scene so they can be infuse with the story as you develop it.
This keeps you from changing things around in later chapters, allows for consistency.
Good Luck