What can I do to help my husband get over my affair?
I have been married to my husband 10 years this past Aug. In Nov. of 2008 we were having troubles. Not talking or doing things together anymore. He spent more time away from home than with me because we really were just roommates. I felt unloved and not appreciated. He felt neglected and that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. A family member told me that he saw my husband out at dinner with another woman. ( I later found out this was made up and he never did cheat on me) I moved out a week before Thanksgiving. I moved in with a man I had been talking to for about 3 weeks. He told me how wonderful I was and how he worshiped the ground I walked on. We went for coffee and spent time talking and those things my husband stopped doing. I after moving in he told me to get a divorce after the holidays. He had big plans to go to Florida and live in a year or two and he said how wonderful I was and how he wanted to be with me and even that he loved me. After I moved in things quickly started to change, he told me I should stay home and not spend so much time with mother. I was not allowed to go to the store or off by myself. My cell phone call log and text was to be showed to him every night. All the sudden we were not going out every night. He got home at 4pm I got home at 6pm. I was to cook dinner and then clean up the house. Then was to be in bed by 9pm. We became intimate about 2 weeks after I moved in and while it was new and and a little exciting at first, his constant every night wanting it was not the affectionate loving man he said he was, now it was more of a chore. Luckily I stayed kind of sick for a while so that kept him away. I found out he was a heavy drinker too. This is not what he told me. He began working later and getting called in to work at odd times around middle of Jan. Found out later he was starting to hit on another woman. So in Feb. I came home one night and he was drunk and ended up shoving me.Told him my husband never laid a hand on me and he wasn’t going to start. I left the house and called my husband to pick me up a few blocks from the house. We talked things over and he took me back. He apologized and said we would need to see a councilor and work on us if I wanted to come back, which we did. It has been almost a year now and things are going wonderful. We are talking more, we open up easier and its like we are new friends again. But when we were separated I told him things, Like how I was having a great time over there, this new man was so fun and exciting and we had amazing sex every day 2 or 3 times a day. They were not true but I just wanted to hurt him at the time. In counseling he brought them up and I honestly forgot I really said so much, but he felt hurt. I told him it was not true but he said he still thinks about it. He has never asked me for DETAILS about what happened or what we did. I did tell him about the accident though. While over there one night the condom broke on us and I had to go get the morning after pill. ( I was not using anything because my husband had gotten a vasectomy the year before). I felt he had a right to know about that. And now I wonder if I should ask him if he wants me to disclose everything else that happened or not? I think it may bother him, but I didn’t want to hurt him and we have come so far already I would hate open up old wounds. But I dont want him to think I am hiding anything, which I am not. I know what I did was wrong. We should have gone for counseling before I left. I should not have assumed he had cheated on me. I should not have moved in with another man and had sex with while I was still married. But I wish I could help him know how bad I feel. He loves me more than he should and it scares me how much he cares for me. He never once said a bad word or did anything to me after I left. I just feel so much guilt and hope we finally move past this. Our life is wonderful now and we are both working hard, I just wonder if there is anything more I could do to help?
My husband appoligised for his part of our original problems. We always had communication problems both of us. And they eventually caught up with us. The last few months before I left we either didnt talk or when we did it was a fight. So he would come home, get on the computer or watch tv, or go out to his buddies house for 2 and 3 hours. Our not talking caused me to feel unloved, so when we did not make love he was getting more upset as well. It was a cycle of hurt that never ended. I did not intend to move in with the other man right away, he lived next to my brother and I was suppose to stay with him, but when I left my brother said to go ahead and stay next store. I did not have unprotected sex the condom broke. I could not risk having a baby because of my diabetes, thats why my husband had his vasectomy. I know I was wrong. My husband said everyone deserves a second chance, if they are truelly sorry. He is so wonderful and I just want to help him any way possible.
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Tagged with: 10 years • 4pm • 6pm • cell phone • coffee • divorce • family member • heavy drinker • holidays • loving man • odd times • phone call • roommates • thanksgiving • unloved • woman
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Let him read this post!
YOUR HUSBAND APOLOGIZED? Really? What did he do wrong? If you husband forgives you he is a bigger, more forgiving person than me. You have bounced around from man to man without considering the heart break you inflicted on your husband.
If your husband wants details, give them to him. What’s going on in his imagination may be worse (but I doubt it). Bottom line is, you made your bed, now live with the consequences. You have not taken your marriage vows seriously and he’s got a lot to process.
gift him your sister or friend
You should ask your counselor this question.
Your husband is a lucky man ain’t he
Instead of taking someone else’s word you should have consulted with your husband. You allowed a rumor to make you stray away from your husband. Besides you used that as a way out of your marriage instead of trying to heal it. The same thing you two are doing with your marriage you could have done together, TALKED THINGS OUT IN A LOVING WAY. BEEN HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. Have you been test for HIV or STD’s if not you should be. It was foolish of you to be so selfish and you hurt him really badly. Adultery is wrong either way it goes and you are a grown woman and know right from wrong. You don’t just run away from your problems or your marriage. That was not fair because he did not abandon you amist all of the problems the two of you were having. he does not want to heart he details of your affair. You did the right thing by informing him you had unprotected sex with the other man. This should be a lessoned learned from you and thank God he loved you enough to pick you up
well you seem to be admitting and owning your mistakes..that’s a good start
having been on the receiving end of cheating…I can tell you that he probably wonders sometimes regarding details, but sharing those details unless he outright asks, and you both discuss the consequences of sharing those details, I don’t think you should. Nothing wrong with asking him if there is anything he wants to know, anything he wants to say to you regarding that whole situation. Let him know that you feel he has the right to be angry and hurt and you want him to feel comfortable expressing those feelings with you. Talk to him about the whole moving on process, let him know that you do love him, and don’t want to backslide in your relationship. let him know that you DO want to move forward, you do NEED to spend time with him, BE a couple not just exist as a couple.
check out Laura Corn books, google her name you’ll get her website. She is really good at ideas for couples to keep things strong
Ask him how he is handling the affair emotionally. Tell him that you love him and do not ever want to hurt him but if rehashing over all the garbage in the past would help him to better cope with the affair that you are willing to answer all his questions so that you can keep it all in the past and move forward. Tell him that you would be willing to be hooked to a lie detector if that’s what it would take to ease his mind. Tell him how much more you love him for taking you back after all that you put him through and how much you respect him for that. Let him know that you are willing to do anything to build his trust in you again. You are on the right path and in time the two of you can be happier than before as long as you are honest with him about why the affair happened and you work together to resolve those issues. Good luck
You should have gone to counseling before you got involved with another man! You are really lucky that your husband took you back. As far as helping him to forget, you should give it more time and keep going to counseling. And be nice – every day you should tell your husband that you’re grateful to have him in your life and that he is a good person for loving you so much!
my husband told me about his infidelity 40 yrs later its funny it hurt just if it happened yesterday. i deserved anwsers and he gave me as much as i wanted. he told me it wasnt my fault, he just couldnt control himself when women were giving it out so easily. hes ashamed of himself and said it was hard to love me when he couldnt love himself. u need to talk or he will always wonder. it will get old after awhile and the past will become a blur.