am i a loser ? please be brutally frank ….?
hi i am 36 and single going to be 37 on june 17 th ( having bit of birthday blues ) …..i never married because i never found the right woman and now i am bit set in my ways to contemplate marriage … i am in a reasonably dead end job ….. in the accepted meaning of the term i am a failure . … but i have kicked alcoholism 8 years back after a 6 year affair with the bottle .. i have overcome dire poverty to have an existence and have changed from being a wimp to having a rather pleasant personality ….. am i being too harsh on myself just because i do not have a wife and mandatory two and half kids and a dog … and have not yet been able to accumulate assets like house , or started saving for retirement …….
does anyone know a good motivation , self help website ?
i believe like Rocky … " it is not how hard you get hit and stand up which matters .. but how hard you can get hit and keep moving ….. " is that a good mantra to have ?
Oops that was wrong quote here is the right one …." It ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. "
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Tagged with: 8 years • alcoholism • assets • birthday blues • dead end job • existence • failure • job • loser • mantra • marriage • motivation • personality • poverty • quot • Retirement • right woman • saving for retirement • wimp
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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I think you are just fine!
Ignore those inner voices and have a great birthday–you have earned the right to be choosy.
Your mantra is good–but you may need to be a little aggressive to get the job/money/future you really want.
Good luck hon—-you have a lot to be thankful for & proud of!
Not a loser…many would consider you a hero for kicking alcoholism. Just stop listening to the world’s voice or system of values.
look up max lucado he wrights motovational books
nah, i don’t think you are a loser. i think you just think too much. you made a tremendous recovery, you need to give yourself credit and time.
You are not a loser! I am serious.Don’t be hard on your self because you didn’t get married or had kids. Its never to late.
You can still work hard enough to save for retirement. I think your still young. Put your resume out there. Try a trade school. Its never to late to learn and accomplish. I wish you the best of luck. Please don’t be hard on your self. Lot’s of luv to you.
Rocky was a movie, you are dealing with reality. If you define your self worth by your occupation and material worth, you as would I, and billions of others, would be classified as failures. It is more important to consider what you put into life rather than what you take out. The pursuit of the "American Dream" is something that is not suited for everyone.
congrates on kicking alcholism!!! yeah i think you are too hard on yourself.just by your writting i can see you have a sense of humor.please relax and do not push it. i tried too hard at one time to get the american dream and it didn’t work! went on blind dates etc etc etc.finally after too many bad relationships that i can count i said enough! i stopped pushing to get that dream. well after i made up my mind to do this i did meet someone and got married at the age of 41.i do not have the mandatory 2 kids but i am happy!! just take your time.be honest and do not appear desperate!! good luck
hell, compared to my family, ur the biggest winner on earth, dude, and u don’t seem like too much of a loser, and kickin acholism is GREAT and ur kinda bein harsh on urself, not always a bad thing, but still, ur not a total loser so lighten up!
You’ve accomplished a lot, and should be proud of that. You are not at all a loser. You have had the brains not to marrying someone just for the sake of marriage–without love. You’ve overcome alcoholism, become pleasant, and realize that you are set in your ways.
However, that doesn’t mean that you’ll never meet that ‘right’ person (and maybe even have those 2-1/2 kids). Just as knowing you’re in a dead-end job doesn’t mean you have to stay there–some companies promote from within, and train you for higher positions. Also, don’t forget that the community colleges have many direct-hire programs for jobs which do have a future.
I wish you a lot of luck, and hope that everything works out for you.
you’re not a loser,you kicked the bottle in the a** and I say"CONGRADULATIONS TO YOU" it’s not every day a man admits to once having a bad habit and kicking it. you just need to stop thinking about what everyone else has and work on what you really deserve,it takes time to build up courage to want what the Jones’ have and it takes even longer to get there,keep up the good work and you will succeed in making your goal. GOOD LUCK TO YOU
First if all, there’s nothing wrong with being unmarried. Many people your age, aren’t married by choice, such as you. Never refer to yourself as a failure. You’ve been dry for 8 years now, & that is a big success. I applaud you for that. Yes, you are being way too harsh on yourself. Go to your local library & look for some self help books. It’s a start. Always believe in yourself first, before anyone else can. If you look upon yourself as a failure, you will fail, but if you look upon yourself as a success, you will succeed.
No I dont think ur a loser.. But who am I to judge?…lol j/k..no but i really dont think ur a loser..So what if ur not married.. I think someday u will find the girl thats "right" for u and hey not every one needs a dog…ur still young..I would start worrying if i was 48 and single with no kids and no job…..Congradulations ditching the affair with the bottle and keeping it that way for 8 years…..And it seems like u are becoming a stronger person all the time(u have overcome poverty…ur not a wimp any more..and apparently u have a pleasant personality…) U are being to harsh on yourself…Try being more positive and maybe ur life will keep getting better.. I dont know any self-help programs..so srry I cant help u out..
O and I like ur whole "mantra" thing….
HAPPY EARLY B-DAY!!!(so random..lol)
you are doing a lot better than so many people are… early happy birthday to you . i gave up on having more than the one child i selfishly brought into this cruel world
No not a loser but do something about your current situation economically. Take a part time job if you have to for awhile to get some additional job skills and get something saved. Go for better jobs. Get motivated.
I don’t think you are a loser, but I know how you feel. A 37 year-old male is still attractive to a large amount of women. When I was 23, this 22 year old I was dating dumped me for a 37 year old guy. You might look into education to get you a better job, where you might meet more girls. But seriously, if you are stable, that is better than a lot of the true losers than many women date. Play to your stregnths and everything will be alright.
Seems like you are in a better place than you were while you were drinking and living in poverty, so at least you moved up. But it sounds like you’re on a plateu and you’re getting bored with it, so all those negative feelings and depression is just an indication that it’s time to take steps to bump it up to the next level, is all. You kicked alcoholism (many, many people can’t) so beating this doldrum you’re in is doable for you.
Also, I don’t believe in mantras, you need to define your own life. I’ve been in the same rut as you, beating myself down with other people’s definition of how I should live, and sometimes I still fall in that rut. Are you unhappy because you are bored or because you feel you are failing to live up to society’s expectation of where you should be at this point in life?
I have a feeling that you know what you need to do to be where you want in life. So it doesn’t matter whether you fit the "accepted definition of the term loser". It boils down to a simple question: Do you want to keep on living the life you are living or do you want to take steps to improve your life? Calling yourself a loser is synonymous with giving up. Its counterproductive. Its a pointless exercise.
The word "loser" is kind of like a verbal weapon, either one uses it to beat on someone who screwed them over (women love using it against ex-boyfriends, sometimes with good reason), or its used by people to beat other people down so they can climb above them and feel better about themselves, but sometimes we use it on ourselves out of frustration. The word doesn’t have any positive value and should be removed from the internal dialog going on in your head if you ever want to get anywhere (Its like driving with your emergency brake on!)
To be honest I only read your first sentence… You have oh feel sorry me syndrome. Just asking the question am I loser says that. Get over yourself and make things happen. You are your own worst enemy.
Congratulations, on getting clean. Now I really have to say., as I read this all I could think of was my daughter, who was 40 and died of Cancer, I’m sure she would have given anything to be here to see her son grow up. You are alive, and there are many things you learned in the 12 steps that could help you, So you don’t have a wife, how many people have a wife and wish they did’nt. You picked yourself up once and you can do it again, Try going out to places that you would normally not go, and see where it takes you. Maybe go to a singles group, Maybe your job is’nt for you, check out some other places that you would like to work, If it means you need more education, go back to school, or take a night course. Only you can do this, and Iknow you can. good Luck
You getting the bday blues!
Its OK , u are not over the hill yet:)
You cant associate all those things, spouse, kids etc. with a certain age. You can still have that and more!
Believe in yourself and people will believe in u. Be nice to others, do good, be good. find solace in helping/changing peoples’ lives like u changed yours to a great degree. You have strength, willpower, use it to help others. Ppl who cant come out of this habit will find your experience useful and u will feel so much better about urself too.
Someone here rightly said here, its what u give to life that matters more than what u get from it.
Count ur blessing.
Be happy.
Make ppl happy.
Keep working hard,. never give up.
Have a wonderful b’day!
Not everyone is called to be husband and father. Do you do anything for others, or do you spend most of your time worrying about yourself? Great that you are sober. Sometimes "assets" only weigh us down. Success is really measured in the way we help the people we meet in our dead-end routine day by day. Happy Birthday!!
You are a loser, because you focused on comparisons, expectations and thinking that would confirm this distortion.
You see all these people telling you that you are not a loser, but in the end this is hard to believe if your core belief is that you are a loser. Even within your post, you talk about being employed, overcoming an addiction, poverty, a pleasant personality.
You know you are too harsh on yourself and you can even beat yourself up about this also if you choose.
I think the rocky metaphor is poor one as you are not a punching bag. And if you live life that way you get up again, only to get knocked down again when tragedy occurs, negative thinking takes over, things don’t work out and therefore life is about just getting up again to continue to get beat up.
I think it is time that you start fighting back. Using your boxing analogy, fighting is not about getting back up but having your guard up, knowing how your depression, addiction, self esteem tries to take a swing at you, then cover up, so you are not knocked down and the punch glances off of you. Eventually you will be able to dodge the punch completely.
Then start to punch back, counter punch, when your self esteem is messed with using self talk, evidence, thinking that will work against the thinking and feeling that keep you down.
Come up with an offensive strategy, join a group, team, church, something where you are a part of something. Be around people, meet new people. Of course when you do this your depression and self esteem will fight you on this and you have to continue "fighting" which is blocking, punching and dodging.
"fighting" is not just getting up against o get pummeled.
You aren’t a loser and not the only single on this planet earth. First, congratulations for being out of the bottle and second you need Jesus! He is the Rock of Salvation, the Chief Cornerstone and your foundation. In Him, you will find the balance you need and stand firm whatever happens.
I think your being to hard on yourself, Enjoy who you are, and what you have, It could always be much worse, Your doing fine, keep it up.
I’m reading a book for a psych class right now……It’s called "Life Launch….a passionate guide to the rest of your life" by Fredric M. Hudson and Pamela D. McLean. It’s actually pretty interesting. It talks a lot about new life chapters. It sounds to me like it is high time you start a new chapter of your life. It’s time to reinvent yourself. Do some spring cleaning……..throw out the things about your life you don’t like and keep the things you like. There is nothing wrong with the fact that you don’t have assests. That’s just the route your life has taken. Just because you aren’t living the so-called American dream doesn’t mean you aren’t living your life the right way. There is no right or wrong when it comes to that kind of stuff. Just whatever is right for you.
sound like you know what to do but need help to keep on doing it .you don’t need to have a wife or kids to make you a better man .you have already accomplish something major .you’ve stop drinking that is something that many people have difficulty’s doing you should pat yourself on the back .and stop putting yourself down ,if it will make you fill better go out and meet a nice lady just for companionship if nothing more
Hello Have you ever thought of joining the National Guard, you are not too old as the cutoff age is 42 years of age. You can get a full time job with the Governement after you complete Basic Training and AIT, good money, good vacation time, good retirement. Certainly something to think about, and if you are gay don;t ask don’t tell.
No, you are not a "loser". I think its great that your on the right track and your getting your life togather. I don’t think you should rush into getting married just because you think you should! Look at how many people are divorced and have broken homes because they married the wrong person. Waite fo the right gal i’m sure she’ll come along and even if she doesnt don’t worry about it. Just take care of yourself and if it happens it happens. By the way if your in a "dead end job" find a better one and quit. I know its hard but keep trying.
your not a loser. (or are you……………) ………………………………………………………………………………….. nope your not
I share your pain dude I am 25 and still unmarried myself. Can’t find a good man to save my life. Stop beating up on yourself.It ain’t worth it. Your time will come. Just wait on the lord
There are some people who consider being married an indication of worth. Sounds like you’re one of them. I truly believe that you are a minority in that view. This overpopulated world needs a lot more people who don’t reproduce. I go to a very traditional church and we have several people over 50 who never married. Not a problem. I plan to be single all my life and to have no kids.
you aren’t a loser. if you enjoy your job you’re doing better than me. I’m quitting Friday and won’t have a job. you sound very intelligent from what you wrote. you could find a better job if you don’t like the one you have. not having been married before has me beat. I’ve been divorced 2 times and have 3 kids that live 1000 miles from me. you have a lot to be proud of, like stopping drinking. i still drink out of depression, and loneliness. my birthday is in 2 days, may 23rd. I’ll be 49 yrs old. i haven’t dated in over 2 years and I’ll be alone. so when you feel like a loser, think of me and know that there are many more people out there that are much more of a loser than you. i hope you can feel good that you have my life beat by a mile.
yo man, it’s about movin in the direction that you want. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, and check if you like what you see. If you don’t like it, change it. Who says you can’t be ripped/tanned/a player/a ladies man/a badass/a douche/whatever you want to be. Feel good about yourself bro, and remember that you can be whatever you want to be
No brother,you are not a failure at all.If that was the case then I\’m a failure too. I consider my sefl a very decent,honest and compasionate man. I have no college degree,no wife,no kids,don\’t own a house,don\’t have a huge savings account but I love nature and it makes very happy to be able to see the beauties GOD has created for us. I try really hard to get ahead in life but its just not happening for me. I only get by and don\’t know what else I need to do to be successful. I\’m a good looking,very masculine man with very good feelings and I\’m proud of that. I realized that no matter my efforts or how much I get to have or get to lose,one day i will die and that will be the end of that. Enjoy the time you have here in this world,take a road trip,go see new places,enjoy yourself,help someone in need,recycle,plant a tree dont pollute the environment and that way when you are in your death bed, you can look bad and say… I never possesed anything but I did lots of great things for people.
Your not a loser.Just wait.Your time will come.Just be patient.
Thank you for you post.It’s very inspirational.
I wouldn’t think you’re a loser at all. Plenty of people your age are far worse off. Just think, you could be divorced paying child support to someone for 18 years; those are the guys I really feel bad for. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone! Don’t lose hope.
Yea you are just like me, it’s fun to be a loser, and drinking is great pick up the bottle !! You can get hammered and run over a kid playing on the street ( if you drive fast enough you can get away without getting caught !) By the way it’s probably cheaper to pay a prostitute to have sex than to marry some money grubbing Cee U Next Thursday.
It’s so nice to see so many caring responses (well, beyond Mr. Dick).
I think what makes someone a loser is if they whine about things and choose not to take action. From what you have overcome in the past, it sounds like you know how to take action and change things for yourself. Sometimes it does take a while to get out of the rut, but you will. You’ve overcome so much already, and that is not a sign of a loser.
As for the wife and kids deal..I find people that get married and/or date for the sake of not appearing as a “loser” and to escape loneliness to be the biggest losers of all. But that’s just my opinion. It’s all subjective really.
I think the biggest question here is, do you view yourself as a loser? I mean, really, do you? Beyond the media, and beyond all the influences of everyone else, are you? If you feel like you are, change and overcome, as you have done before. If not, then you’re good.