I'm very depressed since my wife left me last month? I don't want a divorce is there anyway to save marriage?
My wife and I have been married 4 years and she quit her job a year ago because we wanted to start a family and she got pregnant fairly quick. She did all of the housework and laundry in our home untill she got 5 months pregnant and then she just stoped cooking,cleaning, and would only wash my work clothing. I also noticed she started spending a lot of my money on stuff for the baby without telling me, so I took away her bank card and started giving her a 0 allowance which at the time seemed like a smart idea even though she resisted at first she accepted it. By 6 months our house had not improved so I asked my wife what was wrong and she said she was tired and her feet were swollen so I told her I was going to hire a maid twice a month and have it come out of her allowance. I ended up hiring a maid at that left her with only 0 and we both argued for a week about it and then on a friday I got home and my wife had packed her stuff and left. She left me a note telling me how much I hurt her by making what was supposed to be the most amazing time of her life into something she wanted to forget she also reminded me of how she took care of me after my accident and never took my bank card away or put me on an allowance. When I read that it really hit home and I drove to Georgia to bring her back home and she didn’t want to come back with me and then I really knew I messed up big time. My wife and I are still legally married but she said she wants a divorce once our son is born and that she doesn’t want to see me till after she has the baby, so I won’t even get to see my first son be born. I feel awful about how I treated her is ther any way I could try to save our marriage or Am I just hurting her by trying to save it? I already send her flowers daily and call her daily but her mom says she doesn’t want to speak with me. Her mom did tell me she cries a lot and says that she thinks my wife still loves me. What else can I do?
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Tagged with: 5 months • big time • divorce • flowers • hiring a maid • home untill • housework • job • laundry • marriage • mom • money • smart idea • time of her life • work clothing
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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I would suggest taking another trip to Georgia and trying once more to bring her back with you. At this point she may only be staying there because she has mad the arrangements to have the baby there closer to her mom and her family. If this is why she is staying then let her know you support her and offer to help in any way you can. If it is possible for you to stay there with her until the baby is born- that would be best, but if your work schedule does not permit, then at least arrange to be there when your son is born if she allows.
By giving her an allowance you basically just put a price tag on how much you feel your wife is worth. To be honest, $200/mo is not much. I would be pretty offended too. You would have been better off if you had just offered to go shopping for baby stuff with her so you could pick stuff out together. You would have been included, she would have felt appreciated, and you could have monitored what was spent. Everyone would have been happy with that.
Truth is, women get really emotional and irrational when they’re pregnant. It’s terrifying even when you are married and your partner is by your side for every step of the way… but now she’s back at her mother’s without you- I cannot imagine how awful she must be feeling right about now.
You need to go to her. Call the house to let her mother know you’ll be coming- but surprise your wife.
Hope this Helps. Good Luck!
Wow $200/week. Your so mean its not her fault she cant work b/c shes pregnant, and a maid should have never come out of her allowance. She is going through a very difficult time.
To be honest you have tried your best. Maybe you can write her a letter with all your feelings,
E mail her this I hope it works:
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON ?
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, " How do I know if I married the right person ?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, " It Depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered " How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s Weighing on your mind.
Here’s the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with Your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked Their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a Completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called "falling" in love… Because it’s happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, " I was swept of my feet." Think about the Imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing There; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the Natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls Become a bother ( if they come at all), touch is not always welcome ( when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you Think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, " Did I marry The right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of The love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.
This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their Unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is The most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You Could.
And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because ( listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t "find " LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That’s why we have the _expression " the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it Takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific Things you can do ( with or without your spouse ) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe ( such as gravity),
There are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise Program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your Relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. You can " make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a " decision"… Not just a feeling.
I agree that being pregnant doesn’t mean she cannot do anything, but she may be very tired. Yes she could have done some work around the house, that is if the doctor didn’t put any restrictions on her. Other than hiring a maid to help her, I don’t see much wrong with your actions. Honestly, she was spending too much so you gave her a set limit, nothing wrong with that, especially if she doesnt pay the bills and know the income/bill situation. Yes she has to prepare for the baby. But I can tell you, it doesnt have to cost an arm and a leg. I bought most of my kids clothes at the 2nd hand store, and i am not into buying them junk. Got some good brand name clothes. I got a crib/changing table/dresser set at a garage sale. There is craigslist and ebay. She can buy all the fun stuff for the baby and more of it with a budget. The main complaint I have about pregnancy #2 was that I couldnt do much with #1 at times and would ask my hubby and he wouldnt ie giving a bath, I had a hard time leaning over the tube to bathe my first and he wouldnt do it when I asked him. as long as you are trying accomodate and be sensitive to her, and it sounds like you are, then i dont know what else you can do. one thing for sure, I would tell her there is no way you are not going to be there when the baby is born, it is not fair for her to take this away from you. my husband and I almost split up during my 2nd pregnancy, but I would have never told him that he couldnt be there for the birth. Infact I would insist that he is there. Its his child too, its your child too.
OK. Not trying to make you feel worse, but you were treating her like a maid. Instead, you two should’ve hired a maid from day 1, and she shouldn’t have quit her job before the baby was born. She should have kept working up til she was nearly at full term unless there were medical reasons she couldn’t. This is a really horrible power imbalance you both created. You don’t give your wife an "allowance" like she’s your child – it’s demeaning. And when you’re married it’s not "my money" any longer. It doesn’t sound like you two had a very good talk about finances (or planning this whole adventure) before you began…that was a mistake. Money, housework, child-rearing, and sex. Those are the big issues for most couples and you’ve got to communicate!
I think you (you on your own) should talk to a counselor. And then when you’ve done that a bit talk to her and tell her you want her to see a counselor *with* you. You need to prove to her you’ve changed, not just talk to her about it. Stop with the flowers and daily phone calls; they aren’t cutting it. Just show her you’ve changed. Love is great, but it isn’t enough.
you treated her very bad you sound like a very controlling man you meed to change that part of you look where it got you why didn’t you pick up the slack and clean the house do the laundry did you forget she is pregnant with your baby then you take away her bank card for buying baby stuff big mistake then you give her 200 dollars a month then you take away 100 dollars and give it to the maid why didn’t you do the house work so you didn’t have to make her pay for the maid another big mistake you made to answer your question you can start by changing you ways talk to a professional so you make sure you get it right your not in control any more she is
I would go to counseling- I see the allowance, demands about housework when she is physically very strained and working can hurt her baby, and taking money from her allowance for something you purchased (the service of a maid, instead of helping yourself) as very controlling. Before you bring a child up in that environment, you should work on the controlling behavior. I would not be surprised if that is why she is living with her mother, and if you can prove you understand that is a problem you need to work on, and take steps to fix it in earnest, she will be willing to remain in your family.
I would go see a marriage counselor and start some sessions to figure out how you can repair the damage. Tell your wife that you are trying to get help and would she please see a therapist also. If she cares she will try and help repair the marriage. Pregnancy can be rough on a person, and not all woman are alike, so you should have maybe asked her what you could have done to make her life better. By the way what is wrong with you helping clean the house, I am sure you help dirty it.
This tells you have to change your attitude very fast
If you are wrong meet her in person and apologise to her seriously and sincerely.
This may save you from Divorce.
Time and attitude is the solution for you.
this is fixable, shes being dramatic all she had to do was say ok i get my money back, but she has mama to lean on. yes you definitely will be there when your son is born, go speak to her doctor ask him to notify you when shes in labor,maybe he will —maybe wont— but keep on top of things.
people have everybody under the sun in the delivery room these days, i don’t agree with it but it a wonder some women don’t invite the mailman in, so you as the child’s father should certainly be there. she din’t like you be controlling now she’s acting controlling.
stop the flowers, just to get her re-action, don’t beg just tell her to come home and buy the baby stuff like she first wanted to. putting a wife on an allowance makes her feel like 2 cents.
especially taking the maids money out of her allowance.
I find it strange that there are not any date/time stamps anywhere on these postings, especially when the person initially asked for help, this could have been 6 months ago, or yesterday, who knows? One thing’s for sure there’s a book for sale! lol