How do you recover from a love relationship that psychologically drained you of your energy?
I just told me self-destructive finance of 2 years that "I will not take your drama into 2009" and ended the relationship right after christmas. I am slowly recovering like the average person, but I when I think about the behaviors I tolerated it makes me so angry that I feel like I’m having a stroke!!!
I often found myself crawled up in my bed with high anxiety because he was always on the path of self destruction and always failing things and calling me to poor out his failures on.
I saw him through Irag and the torment that came with knowing something could happened to him, as well as him calling and telling me of casualties, even crying sometimes. When he got home he saw everybody exept me for 2 months and rationalized it as him trying to stay away from me so that he does not kill/hurt me in anyway due to post-traumatic stress….
He relocated and moved in with another female soldier while I was away in grad school and never told me until I wanted to come down and visit after my semester was over. They both got on the phone and told me they were not together, although he confessed to sleeping with her. When I walked away from that situation, he along with his mother begged to give him another chance. I took him back when asked me to marry him, then called the wedding off 1 month before and said that he had financial problems, after I already paid for everything
He would call me all the time after that to say that he was broke and that he was planning on killing himself and that I was the only one he kept him going without suicidal thoughts.
He never knew how to spend the money he made. Most recently, I got a call at work from him saying: "this is it, I’m going to end it!!…the navy just found out that I had been lying on my application and now they are taking me to jail…go on with ya life" 2 weeks later, he called me and said that they decided to drop the charges and that he loves me sooo much.
I have been a strong woman, but this one has broken me down…how can I recover?
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Tagged with: average person • casualties • christmas • female soldier • finance • grad school • having a stroke • high anxiety • irag • life quot • Love Relationship • money • navy • relationship • self destruction • Stroke • strong woman • suicidal thoughts • torment • traumatic stress • Ya
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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You crafted an excellent post -kudos to you!
It seems like there are two essential issues confronting you, i) recovery, and ii) ownership. Of course, these are inter-related but, in my view, it’s worth separating them in order to provide a reasonable response to your post.
You have already illuminated your inner strength -for yourself (principally) and for your previous relationship. Throughout the ebbs and flows of that relationship you seemed loving, caring, trustworthy, and genuinely attentive to him -in spite of his lack of respect and concern for himself and you.
Your inner strength is further evidenced by you ending the relationship recently. A most difficult thing to do generally, and especially after two years and with a person who served in a war zone. In my view, you deserve credit for (not guilt or doubt) being able to properly assess your relationship and arrive at the point where you convinced yourself and then said to him, "I will not take your drama into 2009." Bless you for your courage!
I believe you absolutely did the right thing in letting go of the relationship and beginning the path toward your recovery (emotionally, financially, physically, possibly even spiritually). In short, you have shown yourself, him, and anyone else that cares to take a peek, that you are quite capable of being an adult -an independent woman- who, although desiring the love that should come with a healthy relationship, will not sacrifice or jettison her integrity and sense-of-self for an "anything goes" relationship. Again, I applaud your perspective on problem solving and decision-making.
Your recovery is not simply a severance from him … two years is a long time for memories to accumulate. And, as expected, there are good as well as not-so-good memories that most likely flash up every now and then … however, you seem like the type of individual that understands the danger of living out the past again and again … especially those not-so-good moments. You even begin your post by saying, "when I think about the behaviors I tolerated it makes me so angry that I feel like I’m having a stroke!!!" That has to stop!
You then mention at the end of your post, "I have been a strong woman, but this one has broken me down…how can I recover?" Here is where your i) recovery and ii) ownership join hands and guide you forward.
Remind yourself daily that you are not his savior.
Remind yourself daily that any contact from him that you accept -on any level or for any rationalization- is a significant reinforcement (for him) and re-establishes his dependency on you.
Remind yourself daily that he suffers from comorbidity … and whether diagnosed or not- your relationship with him was not one of therapist – client.
Remind yourself daily that you have strength to see this through.
Remind yourself daily that you have a formidable sense-of-self.
Remind yourself daily that you did give it your time and effort -and now that same time and effort is needed for you (yes selfishly) for ensuring your recovery.
Remind yourself daily that you need not have any guilt … or doubt.
The daily reminders will -most assuredly- fade. Not all at once and certainly not in any proscribed order … but they will fade and you will then truly be "on the other side."
Your strategy through the recovery is your sense of "ownership." That is, identify what it is "you" want to own in the next 3, 6, 9, and 12 months. Start small and manageable … get some successes under your belt. Get your resevoir of strength back -and get it back by self-identification, by accomplishing things for you.
You mentioned "grad school." First off, congratulations on that achievement! That’s a goal worth striving for and attaining. Allow your Masters degree to re-focus you away from the past relationship and toward the future. Most grad degrees serve quite well as a catalyst into a new or renewed domain … pause and consider how your degree fits into your future -especially that 3, 6, 9, and 12 month "ownership plan."
You have so much going for you -that is a testament to your self-worth, your self-esteem, and your value to yourself and others. Allow your recovery to use that (what you already bring to the table) as your foundation … then, allow you goals and aspirations about tomorrow to provide the roadmap.
You can very well own your future by managing the things you carry forward from your past.
You can do this … be strong and focused … good luck!
Time; it may seem like you will never recover but you will. He will always hold a place in your heart and you never know- hings might work out in the fututre but for now- stay strong, be with friends and family and time will heal you!
What doesn;t kill you makes you a better person.
Good luck!
You seem to have a strong mind and the right attitude. Now it is just going to take time. I had a very hard break up a few years ago and it took 2 years for me to gain my self respect, my individuality and move on.
YOU ARE STILL WAY TO INVOLVED IN THIS!!! Just look at all that thinking and feeling you just did just to ask us a question!! No doubt you feel drained as you read this!
FLUSH THE TOILET. That is number one. You NEED to stop letting all that be in your mind. You MUST dump as much as you can down the drain, and flush it out of your mind. You will not even be capable of doing anything until you do that first. THEN, you need to sit back and RELAX for a bit, gather your strength back, and SLOWLY move ahead.
YES, it is pure common sense, that once you feel drained, you MUST stop and re-group. You are not SuperWoman, do not expect miracles or instant relief. TIME really does heal all wounds. That is part of life, and a big part of learning and growing up.
By being grateful for your strength in letting go of him and moving on with your life. By being proud of yourself for acquiring a college education. By acknowledging you are human and you have every right in the world to feel sad and hurt by his actions. However, at the same time acknowledging he has done you a favor, now you are available for that one individual who will treat you with love and respect and share the same values. You were obviously too good for him. Good luck and God bless.
Find out some hotline numbers that you can give him if he ever calls you again (threatening to end it or whatever). You don’t need such bad news in your life ever again. I’m sure you know that.
I do know about feeling such regret over wasted time and the things you went through. I kept taking back a friend of mine even though she’s nuts and didn’t treat me well enough. Finally, I ended it for good, and I won’t even listen to her phone messages. I feel guilty for putting my husband and other people through the stress of it all because I would complain to them.
You can only go on from here. Talk to a counselor if you think that would help. Otherwise, just keep busy and involved with good things in your life. Do as much as you can to distance yourself from him. Move or change your phone number if you have to, or just if it will make you feel better.
When you start to remember all the bad times and all you put up with, just tell yourself, "Hey, we all make mistakes in this life," and try to think of something positive. Exercise a lot to burn off stress, go shopping, have fun. Eventually, the trauma in your mind will get less and less.
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