My Fiance' misses his ex-wife?
My fiance’ told me last night that he still misses his ex-wife sometimes. This really hurt me due to how difficult our relationship has been from the start. He has pushed me away and pulled me back so many times I thought I was losing my mind. When we first got together all he could do was talk about how horrible she was to him and how happy he was to be away from her. He would always tell me how much better he felt with me. After almost 3 years he no longer feels anything but guilt and sorrow about leaving his old life. I was with someone before him and had a child with the man but I don’t miss him AT ALL. He said he misses her at times when she takes their daughter on a trip somewhere and he isn’t with them like before. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t think he should miss her at all…yes he should miss the time he spent with his child but that is where it should end. I don’t know what to do. He is so insensitive to my feeling and simply can’t understand why this news would hurt me so deeply. Yes, I understand he has a past. Yes, I understand that it can’t be erased but that doesn’t mean he has to miss his past. This whole situation has made me have second thoughts about even going through with marrying him. The mean side of me wants to leave him and say, “GO back to your ex since you miss her so much.” I realize that’s immature but in a way, that’s what he should do instead of hurting me. Right?
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Tagged with: 3 years • Ex Wife • fiance • guilt • losing my mind • relationship • second thoughts • sorrow
Filed under: How To Get Her Back
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Don’t waste your time with a man that’s not IN love with you.
I think he keeps bringing her up and talks about her in hopes that you will leave. Then it would give him a clear conscience to try it with her again.
I think you’re wasting your time here and that you need to sever ties with him and start fresh with a man that is emotionally available.
You need to accept some hard facts…
He is not hurting you so much as you are hurting yourself by being with him.
You deserve better, don’t’ you?
So why are YOU settling for less than YOU deserve?
Been there done that. Sweetie, get out. If he told you that then it sounds like he is looking for a way out. He is not going to be sensitive to what you are feeling. If he was he would not tell you that he misses his ex-wife. When it is over it is over. Sounds like he was not sure when he left her and got into something just to get into it. All you are going to have latter on is problems. I wish you the best.
You did say fiance’ didn’t you? Why do you keep hanging on and coming back when you know deep down inside that he still truly cares for her or he wouldn’t be telling you. You really need to get rid of this guy and find you one that will be totally dedicated to you and you only. Your fiance needs to wake up and realize what he is doing. Don’t let him manipulate you like this. Move on
honey, he’s still in love with her dump him go be happy, find some one too love only you.
Why are you getting married? He’s barely ready for a new relationship, but certainly not ready for another marriage. If I were ya’ll, I’d be reevaluating this whole relationship…..
You need to stamp this out right away or your relationship with him is never going to work out- especially if you think that his missing her is what caused him to push you away before.
Make sure you let him know in the clearest possible terms that it’s either her or you, and be prepared to cast him off if he can’t part with her emotionally.. Chances are he will learn to appreciate you more and come crawling back… If he doesn’t come back and the relationship ends you’re not any worse off than you were before with a man who seems to love somebody else.
He sounds like kind of a wuss actually. Maybe he should go to some co-dependence support group meetings?
Remember the old saying, "if you love something, let it go and if it returns it’s yours forever"? Well, that’s what you need to do with him. With all the love in your heart, tell him that he needs to find out why he still has feelings for his ex-wife and then let him actually go find out. If you’re ‘the one", then he’ll come back and will love you even more than before!
I wish you well!
Aw, I am sorry that you are in that situation. But I do agree that it is selfish of him to hurt you that way. Even if he does miss her sometimes, why on earth would he feel the need to express those feelings to you?? Sit down and talk to him about it–and be very careful not to come off as jealous; just be diplomatic. Tell him that you don’t want to force him to be with you if that’s not where his heart is. Hopefully, he will see that you’re not going to stick around if he doesn’t get his stuff together. It will also show him how concerned you are. Most likely, it will serve as a wake-up call for him and you two will still get married and be very happy. Good luck.
i have been divorced from my ex for 11years, and sometimes i still kind of miss things about what we had. i think if you are the one that got sick of things and walked away, you are more likely to just completely not miss it. on the other hand if you were the one that was dumped, there is always regrets and what if’s. i think it is normal, ane he was honest with you, another good sign. you know this is part of his past. do you really expect him to purge every trace of his past from every part of him? i guess when you spend a period of your life with someone, divorcing is like a death, you have to grieve, and you move on, even if a small part of you will always miss what once was.
I really do agree with your assessment of your situation. I would be very hurt too! Maybe try seperating for a while so he can get some perspective on who he really misses. It may wake him up to leave, I would make it long enough that he would know i could really be gone for good. But be prepared that this could be the end.
File a restraining order against his ex-wife, because she’s obviously intruding in you relationship.
I don’t think he is saying he misses her, but the he misses what he once had; the feeling of a complete family. He may be opening up to you and letting his feelings and thoughts out; that is a good thing.
The truth is, he is with you right now; he made the choice to leave her – think the guilt and sorrow come from him being unable to ‘fix things’ in his previous relationship.
Don’t know that I would marry this man at this time; you want to be certain, as does he, that the marriage is a committed one; a new start for the both of you. His past history shows his fear of going into a committed relationship; probably out of not wanting to be vulnerable to the pain again. But, you and he are two different people and he has the chance to make this relationship work. Talk to him about it; look into his eyes; they will show you if the love for you is strong.
Good luck
This is really troubling and sad.
You very clearly recognize that he has a past, and it’s not something he can just switch off.
Divorce leaves a painful wound on one’s heart; a wound that can take a long time to heal especially of it was coming out of a hard relationship and separation.
He’s going to spend time grieving. That’s to be expected. However, asking you to support him through it isn’t the thing to do. It puts you in the awkward position of challenging his wallowing and could leave you looking like you’re "defending her" somehow.
You’re right – a tantrum isn’t a grown-up way to handle this. But a blunt instruction to get whatever support he needs and get on with his life (including a life with you, perhaps), and that you encourage him to do it, would be well placed.
Good luck.
P.S. He’s not hurting you. He’s doing what he’s doing, and you feel hurt. Important difference. You control what’s going on inside you.
Honey,Men say the most hurtful things sometimes and don’t even realize it.My husband has done the same thing,and when he asks why I’m crying,he says,"I can’t believe you’re crying over that,I’m here with you aren’t I?He’s had an ex wife too.Fortunately, he’s never said that he missed her.He wouldn’t,they had a nasty divorce.Just try to think of it like this:The man is with you,not her Hold on to that Ignore the hurtful comments.A man doesn’t realize that he is being hurtful.They don’t think that way.Sorry for making this so long.It’s a sore subject for me too.
I wouldnt marry him yet, he isnt over her and admits it.
I think you have a disease (WAIT, LET ME FINISH). I have the same disease. We love and care too much, and we focus SO much energy on "fixing" people that we forget sometimes to take care of ourselves. Life is too short to play second fiddle, but if you love this man – tell him. But, tell him that if he wants to marry you, he has to be sure that he doesn’t have feelings for his ex-wife still. The hard truth is that we sometimes put ourselves in situations where we become the "sacrificial lambs" (for lack of a better term), always putting ourselves in the line of fire. This sounds to me like he wants to marry you, in hopes of feeling the sense of security and family that he felt with his ex. He needs to understand that things are going to be different with you.
I won’t tell you not to marry him, but I would make sure that you’re doing it for the right reasons. Both of you. If you’re going to marry him, it needs to be because you love him, he enriches your life, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him…and vice versa.
The most important thing you should consider is how hard this could be on both of your children if you get married and go through a divorce. You may have happy, healthy children – and putting them through another divorce could certainly hinder that.
Lots to consider, but deep down – you can always answer your own questions. Just consider the consequences and rewards.
Honey get out of there. Painful as it may be to leave it will hurt even more if you stay. I know the whole easier said than done. Trust me hon no good can come from this you deserve so much more. I will be praying for you.
Very interesting, that he would feel you shouldn’t be upset about his comment. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you missed being with your ex as well. I’m sure he wouldn’t be okay with that, and if he was I would question your relationship on being not serious but comfortable for his benefit. Ask him what he misses? Does he want to be with her again in marriage or just in bed? Should the 2 of you stay married? Can YOU stay happily married knowing that he misses his ex-wife. Sound to me like he was not completely over his marriage before he got involved in another. {Change in heart} Only you can decide what your willing to except and continue to take. I say you should be able to speak your mind {sensibly & maturely} and he should understand why his comment hurt you. If your marriage is important to him he should apologize, and never bring her up in conversation again when it comes to their past relationship, because IT’S OVER!!!!!
He’s not ready to be engaged much less be married again. He needs to properly mourn his old life or go back to her and you need to let him do that, ON HIS OWN!!
ok, i honestly didn’t read anything past your initial question because there is no need to. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY! He might be with you now and things seem ok, but the things inside of him are not ok. just because he’s single on paper, it does not mean that he’s available. i know a really great guy right now that would be a wonderful hubby and has so much to offer someone. the problem: he’s still in live with his ex wife and they divorced over 2 years ago. you cannot get into a relationship with someone who cannot give themselves to you. you can’t have his heart because she still has it. maybe it’s time to have some space.
I am sort of in the same situation right now. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and things are great. BUT…he does still have a connection with his ex wife. He told me he misses her and calls her sometimes to “shoot the bull”. He says he loves me but doesn’t want to get married. She was the one that left him when he thought things were fine. He is old fashioned and his parents were divorced when he was a teen. He didn’t want to put his child through the same thing he went through, but now that’s the way it is. I love him so much and my heart tells me to wait it out, things will come around. My head tells me I deserve so much more and someone who can love me completely. So unsure about what to do.