How do I reconect with my husband, I think I'm fallin out of love for him…Advice please!?
We married 1 1/2 years ago. He was 23 I was 18. We got married because I was pregnant.
Ok so i’m 20 years old now with a 11 month old baby. I finished high school and my intention was to go to college but I was having problems at home and on top of that I got pregnant so We moved in together.
I still love my husband and he loves me, we have had some problems but we are working on our marriage, we are trying to make it better day by day. Ok so lately I’ve been wondering if I really want to be living this life, I’m just turn 20 years old and i’m already stuck home doing chores and taking care of a baby. I love my daughter with all my heart but sometimes I wonder if my husband is the right gut for me. A lot of times I find myself wondering What if I had gone to college maybe I would have found someone that was more like me. someone that had the same goals as me. Somtimes I miss going out with my friends and having a good time , I sincerly really miss the single life! I feel like I missed out on so much. My husband was my first and only boyfriend and he is the only man I’ve dated. I feel really bad because I don’t want to make a stupid decision and hurt my daughter in the long run. I would like for her to grow up with her daddy, his a good man and very loving towards my daughter, she’s his world.
So my question is; how do I fall in love with my husband all over again? It’s not that I don’t love him it’s just that I don’t find him intresting anymore…’
Thanks in Advance!
Related Information:
Tagged with: Baby Love • chores • good man • having a good time • heart • intention • Love Advice • marriage • month old baby • problems at home • single life • stupid decision • taking care of a baby • thanks in advance
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!
You need to have a life of your own outside of your marriage. You need to reconnect with your girlfriends and pursue your own interests. As young as you are, you need to be pursuing your own individuality. You’re too young to give all that up. I am NOT saying leave your husband or explore other men…. you got married and that MEANS something. Everyone always thinks there is something better that they’re missing out on, and when they try to find it they realize too late that it’s just not so… and then they have a broken marriage on their hands. Please be true to your husband, and find a way to start being more true to yourself as well. Once you have your own interests outside of your home life, you’ll appreciate him more when you’re together. You’ll feel more fulfilled and satisfied, and that will automatically improve your marriage. I wish you the best!
It is a lot of work
hard work
and you are not the only one
but if you think there is better out there
it is most likely not so.
Date your husband.
you are still young
work on yourself
and date him.
Seems like you guys got married too early. Well, now that you are married, please do not think divorce. Think rebuild. Talk to him and tell him you think both of you have different goals and need to work on common goals. You can try to do things that you both like to do.
you’re young get out. never married because you are pregnant.
Being a mom can be boring doing the same ol routine everyday. Feed, wipe, play, rock, vacuum, feed, wipe, play, rock, laundry, feed, wipe, play, rock, cook, and repeat. I think you are just bored with things so you are fantasizing about what it would be like only if…..
If you have a wonderful man and father don’t toss it out for something that is so uncertain. Being a single parent isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Get into some play groups like MOPS. http://www.mops.org You’ll be able to connect with other mothers in your same situation and some who have already been through it who’ll give you some good advice.
Start behaving like you’re in love. Get to know your husband better. I bet there are things about him you didn’t even know. Make time for just the two of you. Simple things like dancing in the living room and turning off the tv just to sit and chat can really boost your relationship.
Dragonfly is right. I was in the same position right after I got married. You need a life of your own for sure. You can still go out and feel like yourself, you don’t have to stop being the person you are to be mommy and wifey. You two need to spend time together, romantic times like dates and whatnot. Remind yourself things you loved so much about him when you first met him. Think of all the kind sweet things he does for you. I am 22 and like I said I have been there but that was a couple of years ago. Remember the grass is always greener. I may have felt like this but I started putting more effort into myself and my own life and also OUR relationship as two people in love not just parents and it made a huge difference. I can’t imagine my life without my husband, I truly feel like I have found my soulmate. Don’t give up. You can fall in love at any age and I fell in love with him when I was 16. "Too young to be married" depends on your mindset not on your age. My MIL has been married four times so who is too young to be married? She is 42. There is nothing wrong in fighting for your marriage so go for it. Take time to yourself and take time together and remember why you love him in the first place and work on yourself as a person. Good luck
I agree with DragonFly Girl 100%
You need to do something for yourself. Check into some colleges you can do it and still be a Mom and wife… I promise! I had my daughter when I was 19 and got married when I was 20 and started college that same year. Now I’m almost finished and have grown so much from it. Even if college is not what you’re looking for you try to get involved in something you’re passionate about… volunteer somewhere or try to find some people your age with kids to connect with. I know how it feels to be a stay at home Mom and feel trapped in your own house.
Good luck to you and your husband!
What I’m hearing you saying is…you miss the single life. Unfortunately, that time for you is over. Not because you’re married…but because you have a child now. Those carefree days are GONE.
They’re gone for all of us who have children. Sure, you had to "grow up" sooner than some of us, because you were 18…But what’s done is done Sweetie.
You’ve got to put that past behind you…enjoy the memories of it, and focus on your baby and family now. It’s not easy…I know it. But it’s the life you’ve got. Choices were made…and there ya go.
I wonder if the fading feelings you have for your husband, is all part of this…want of yours, to live the free and party life again. But I can tell you…to seperate from your husband…will make your life 10x more difficult than it is now…trust me on this.
You’ve got alot on your plate…you baby…your husband…don’t make any rash decisions (That’s sorta what got you into this mess in the first place).
Please realize…the life you had before is gone. Gone forever, because you have a child now. I’m not saying you won’t ever go out and have a fun evening…but it’s not going to be like it was before. Really wrap your mind around that…
Take an evening, leaving the baby with your Husband, and have some fun with your friends…An evening off, may give you a fresh perspective on things.
Just remember one thing, your husband really loves you, it is not his fault that he is not "compatible" with you. Try an exercise and see how it works out. Tell him that you want both of you to read the paper each day and talk about current events. For instance what did he think of the fracas over David Lettermen mocking Sarah Palins daughter? If he is willing to read, think and engage with you like that then he has potential. If he is NOT, then you are likely not compatible which is very sad.
Does he have a career plan? If not will he let you help him come up with one? A man without some kind of plan and skills never makes much money – and financial stress is the number 1 reason for divorce. If you can get past the two items above – common interests and his level of ambition then ignore the stuff below. If however he is not going to try to be the "right" guy for you, then read on…
It is obvious you are quite smart so I will explain this in a way that a bright woman will immediately grasp.
Highschool girl selection of boyfriend is primarily based on his level of:
- Physical attraction
- Popularity
- Fun to be with
Mature woman selection of husband is based on:
- Physical attraction
- Ambition/career focus ability to provide well for his family
- Maturity and self control – will he be a responsible husband/father
- Intelligence and common interests: does he read the Wall Street Journal and discuss it with you or does he want to go to a tractor pull with his buddies
The "perfect" guy in highschool is often not even close to being good husband material. If you want to even have a chance at marrying a true "peer" you need to do 3 things:
- Get a college degree
- Stay in shape – do NOT get fat – ambitious men are much more likely to marry a woman who takes care of herself – a man can get past you having a child if he is really into you
- Get a good job: This will put you in close proximity to lots of other men with college degrees and good jobs
Here’s the thing, even if you left your husband, you still wouldn’t be in school, you still would be doing chores and laundry and not hitting the nightclubs, etc because your daughter exists. You cannot undo the choices you made at 18 when you got pregnant. OK, I suppose you could if you wanted to pull a Casey Anthony or abandon your daughter on your mom’s doorstep to raise. But I don’t see either of those as viable options to you. And your life would be so much harder as a single mom than a married mom.
Being a grown up and having grown up responsibilities isn’t very interesting or as exciting as hitting the clubs. Watching Teletubbies isn’t as exciting as dancing on a the top of a bar.
Here’s the thing. You love your husband. And you know that an intact functional family is better for your daughter than being from a broken home.
This exciting life you are sacrificing is only for a few years. Most people when they hit 24 or 25 settle down and lead the same kind of life you have right now.Your sacrifice now will give the stability of a lifetime to your daughter.
In the meanwhile, see if you can take some classes at the local college. See if you can hire a babysitter or have your mom watch your daughter one night a month while you go out with your husband. (If you go out to the clubs by yourself, you will put your marriage at risk, so don’t start doing that.) Find fun activities that you can do together as a family. Right now the activities will be limited because of your daughter’s age, but in a few years, she will be able to go on rides at theme parks, ride her own bike, keep up with you while hiking, etc.
All the shoulda coulda woulda doesn’t change the reality of you being a mom with a real adult life now. BTW, I am proud of you for asking this question because it seems like you want to improve the current situation and are seeking to fall back in love with your husband. Good job!
Sweetie…it sounds to me like you’re saying:
…’I have 2 paths and only 2 paths that I can go down now. I can stay with my husband, or I can leave him. I have limited freedom and opportunities at this point in my life. I could accept my limited options, however, IF I fell madly in love with my husband again. If I felt the joy that brings- it wouldn’t stop my headache but it would sure be a big dose of aspirin!’…
I cannot tell you HOW to fall in love because the ‘out of love’ feeling you have is a symptom (I believe that you know this deep down.) I will share any thoughts I have that might help you. Whether it helps or not, I also asked for a little guidence to help me say what you need to hear.
As you already know, your lack of passionate feelings toward your husband is not the root of the ‘problem’. A quick & easy explaination that a doctor might give you is: women tend to feel less romantic toward their partner after having children. I’m sure there is some truth to that, but it’s a lazy explanation designed to get upset women to ‘shut up’.
The fact is- the hurt, confusion, disappointment, overwhelm and fear that are inside of you are the actual causes of the feelings you have regarding your husband. Sure you love him! He did nothing ‘wrong’. But in a deep, dark, secret corner of your mind: HE is why you aren’t in college, HE is why you have wifely duties, HE is the reason why your life was once steered by you and now you have lost control! You know logically that he isn’t causing any of the negative emotions inside- but subconsiously, you blame him somewhat. That’s mainly why the passion isn’t there.
Would you be happier if you had gone to college, dated, waited to have children? The answer to that is another question: Why even create more pain by wondering what could have been? When you free yourself from wondering what could have been, you limit the control you have over what CAN be. Free yourself from viewing the present moment as a scene distorted by pain from the past, only then can you think clearly. When you think clearly- you can stop fighting the world and see life for what it really is: not a path at all; not a journey…more like a blank canvas (I just got a little feeling when reading your question that you like art and creativity. That’s why I used the canvas example. If I was wrong, however, the point I want to make is still the same) for you to work with until the day you die.
Becoming a wife and mother was somewhat like sketching a rectangle on a blank canvas. Deciding whether to leave your husband or not is like deciding whether to make the rectangle a house or a public building. If you are wise, you will forget the regtangle and begin painting whatever you like elsewhere on your canvas. Trust that your rectangle will fit into the picture. Perhaps you will feel inclined to paint a classrom in the background and your brush will create a beautiful, leather-bound, book with the rectangle and not a building at all.
Pain will come from feeling that you made a mistake on your work of art and you will despise your creation. Peace will come from staying flexible, creative, and adaptive. It will enable you to love your painting and sheild you from criticism of others.
So it seems to me that you have begun your masterpiece. Why worry what the finished product will look like? After all, it isn’t finished until you take your last breath. Instead, step back with a clear mind and look at what you have painted so far! You have a child, a husband, yourself, and an ever-changing relationship with each of them. There is no use looking outside of yourself for ‘something’ that can change your relationships. As your daughter changes (grows) and learns to ride a bicycle- won’t it just cause you both pain to fight that change and continue to push her in a stroller? Likewise, as you grow inside- it will cause you and your husband pain if you try to force him to grow as well.
This may not be the time to go to college. But if you never go, if you stop the growth of your potential now- won’t that cause pain? The pain that comes with limitation? Why not explore your options, ask for help, turn away from the front door that is locked and look for a side entrance? Life wants to trick you into thinking that you’re a victim to the day-to-day grind. Once you become aware that you are anything but limited, creativity will flow and you will be in control again. You will be able to relax emotionally, and fully love your family.
The day will come when your child will be in school. Take some classes yourself at that time! You may be a little older than most of your classmates. So what!? Be an example for your baby. Let her see mom taking her education into her own hands. If you meet someone in college that you connect with- great! You’ll have a new friend. If entering a new relationship is the right thing- it will happen on its own.
I think it must be