I need suggestions , what else can I do to try to save marriage, kinda long?
I have been married for 8 months, been with him for 2 and a half years. Our marriage has turned into a legal friendship. I have had 3 serious relationship talks with him in the past 2 months. Here are the problems. One is that he is on Lexapro, has been for over a year. The side effects are that they lose interest in sex. I excepted that at first, but we haven’t had sex since November. I told him to talk to his doctor about another med and he has seen his doctor twice since I said that and he has done nothing about it. The other thing is that he doesn’t want to do anything together anymore. He does not like my friends for whatever reason, doesn’t even try to get to know them. He does not want to go out with me and my friends even though he is invited every time. Even with out friends, he does not want to do anything. I go out, but I feel like I am married living a celibate singles life. The first talk I had with him, I was nice, trying not to hurt his feelings, I just said we need to do more things together, there are things we can do that don’t cost money, even play a game of cards or something at home. He said he understood and everything was fine, but then he did nothing to change. The second time I talked to him, I was a little more blunt, I told him that I feel that we are friends who kiss once in awhile and he agreed that he thinks we have turned into roommates. I suggested marriage counseling so that our marriage won’t get worse, and he seemed ok with it. Still, he has done nothing to change. The third time I talked to him, I didn’t hold anything back.
I told him how I feel lonely, how I feel like I have one life with him in our house and then another life with me out in the rest of the world. I told him that I feel like we lost it, he doesn’t feel that way. He feels things are fine. I told him that he feels things are ok, me here at the house cleaning and cooking dinner and that he has me to come home to. I feel that something is wrong, that I want to get back the passion we once had. He really had nothing to say to me when I was talking, he felt bad because he started to cry, but that was it. Still, no changes! My mom and my friend say that I might have to be the one to say let’s go do this or that, be the one to hook up with a counselor, basically be the one who carries this marriage. I don’t want to have to do that ALL the time. I want him to show some input, show that he cares. When we were first together, things were great. Then he went on that med and our sex life went to hell, and then after marriage, he just totally changed. I know that he loves me to death, he is never mean to me, but it feels like he is content with what we have now, we don’t even hold each other anymore. What else is there for me to do? Should I mentally have a time frame to give him before I say that’s it?
As of now, I don’t see myself leaving him, but I need to feel wanted, ya know? Any suggestions, thanks so much!
I am not ready to give up on the marriage, as the question is, what else can I do to save it and that I don’t see myself leaving him right now. I am in my late 30′s by the way and I know what marriage is.
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Tagged with: celibate • feelings • friendship • game of cards • half years • lexapro • marriage • marriage counseling • money • rest of the world • roommates • second time • serious relationship • Sex • third time
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Certain medicines definitely affect personality. Go with him to his next doctor’s appointment and tell the doctor yourself. Due to the effects of the medicine he may not realize how bad he actually is on it. My husband changed medicine and became a new person.
Slip him a viagara……
Go to fredricks of hollywood….and get something to surprise him with….
I’m sorta going through the same thing. My wife has health problems, lost sexual intrest. We might have sex once every few months. I think she might get better and I love her to much to let a little sex get in the way of what we do have. But sometimes it gets frustrating because she won’t budge on sex. And she just wants to lay around the house and never go out. I would find some way to vent frustrations and hope that he can get better. If he doesn’t I can’t blame you for leaving him.
You’re right that you can’t make all the effort, but someone has to take the first step to change things, and it looks like it’s going to have to be you. A counselor in particular could help you get a better handle on how to deal with your husband, and at what point it’s worth deciding that you’re not getting enough back for what you’re putting in. (Plus, if you can convince him to come with you, you might be able to get a second opinion on whether there are more effective medications he can try – since it frankly sounds like the only thing the Lexapro is doing effectively is killing his sex drive.)
All these issues may be a function of his depression. I am in your situation, so I feel for you. Go to the dr with him next time. Address the sexual issues. He may be too embarrassed.
You should find a counselor, too. He should’ve already been seeing one if he’s depressed.
Yes, if it’s necessary, you should be the one to carry the marriage right now. It’s awful that you are ready to give up when every problem you mention is probably associated with depression or the medicine he takes for it. When you said, "For better or worse," what exactly did you mean? You seem young, so maybe you don’t undrstand marriage yet, but sweetie, this is it. Treat him as you would want to be treated. Help him to be the husband that you need.
It sounds like the Lexapro is not doing it’s job and has actually made his depression and/or anxiety worse, along with taking away his sex drive. You need to go with him to the doctor next time and tell them what’s going on. This isn’t good for either of you, and they can change his medication, or change his dosage, or take him off the meds and hopefully everything will get back on track. Not everyone needs to be, or should be, on medication forever. If your husband won’t take you with him, call and schedule your own appointment to talk about your concerns with his doctor.
You’re talking about more than a bedroom problem. He is dis-associating with you and you’re life. You need to identify what he does not like about you and you’re freinds. You may need to find a way back into his memory and have him tell you about other people like you and you’re freinds that he knew in the past, to identify what he feels about you and them.
In the bedroom, (Well, not necessarily always in the old bedroom) you can try a little experimentation. As I read you’re comments, I knew what you wrote was long and I thought you would mention the experimentation that you tried.
Here’s a little experimental thing, maybe. Have you tried a can of non-dairy whipped cream? You can place the whipped cream various places, or you can squirt it out of the can. It won’t really make you fat, if it is non-dairy.
basically he been on this med before you guys got married
this is not new, your friend & family is right maybe you should make the arrangement for the counseling remember the vows for better or worst and now you are having the worst at least give it sometime before you walk away
no mrriage is perfect and as you say he loves you so give it some time and take the iniatiative
at the moment he does not seem to have any wheel power so be in charge
and next time he goes to see the doc you go too
beleive it or not his medical issue are of interest to you, you two need to discuss it with the doc and let him know that your husband had become a zombie
OR better yet call the doc now and make an appointment to see him
Good luck