Emotional Affair over but wife still has concerns.. anything I can do to save marriage?
My wife recently found out that I was having an emotional affair with another woman via my blackberry and we are thinking of divorce after 14 years of seemingly a normal up/down marriage.
When she confronted me with this I initially lied but confessed 5 mins later after a wave guilt
Poor decision making on my part as I met the younger woman through my job. We went to lunch three times and shared "how doing" and "whats going with you?" type of text messages over a 3/4 month period. The lunches were 1 group lunch and two lunches by ourselves.
My wife asked why.. and I gave her a very honest response of the different type of attention that I received from this other woman was something new and unexpected. I just liked the attention from this pretty woman and purposely hid this from my wife as I knew it was somewhat wrong.
I was never physical with this other woman but it doesn’t seem to matter to my wife much.. I feel like a total scumbag..
My wife questions my true intentions and doubts that we were not physical..I would doubt the same. .. I’ve lost her trust and friendship an want to try get it back..
Thoughts or ideas would be appreciated from today’s biggest Loser.
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Tagged with: 5 mins • biggest loser • blackberry • divorce • doubts • emotional affair • friendship • group lunch • guilt • honest response • job • marriage • Met • poor decision • pretty woman • quot • text messages • thinking of divorce • three times • true intentions
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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First of all, props for telling the truth five minutes after the lie. I should be so lucky. An emotional affair is harder to get over. You shared personal things with this woman, maybe even told her things you never confided in her about, bonded with this woman. Emotional affair always start off as friendship and easily becomes something more. People think this is harmless, but it is the most damaging than a quick bang. The energy you used to to hide this affair could have been used to solidify your marriage, because apparently this woman loved you more than you thought or she wouldn’t have been this upset.
You broke trust, fix it. If she needs to talk and rant, listen, even if it hurts to hear. You were lonely, I get it. You were flying high with this girl and now you are falling hard. no sex didn’t seem to matter. she needs to know if it is truly over and the only person who would know that is you. She needs time. It will never be he same type of marriage you had before, be okay with that and start something new with her. She may forgive, but she wont forget. Good luck.
the mistake you made was hiding the truth, if you approached it as non-chalant then she would accept it. However, now your wife will question everything that you say.
I think that Step 1 would be to stop minimizing. You’re not even telling us the whole story. Going out to lunch alone twice and texting "how are you doing" texts doesn’t qualify as an emotional affair. What feelings did you share, and what fantasies? What kind of intimate conversations did you have, and what did you talk about? Your wife is angry because you’re not telling her the whole story, and I don’t blame her, because it’s obvious you’re not.
If you’re being truly honest and the affair with this women wasn’t physical then I don’t think divorce is needed. Your wife is obviously is hurt that you went to someone else to talk about how you were feeling, thinking that you couldn’t go to her instead. I would be excatly the same. I’ve been in a relationship that’s been like this. You need to try and reassure her that you would turn to her as well. Try confiding in each other and see if this helps and makes your relationship stronger again.
Slow down! Take it easy! This was not the ordinary affair. Not that I will excuse a lunch with a female business friend. But the world did not break apart. Yes, sometimes we all make a wrong decision. We are human, aren’t we? We do make mistakes. But I would suggest that you let your wife know that she is going overboard with her accusation. Check out my source for more info on what it takes for a successful marriage.
even though it wasnt physical, it was still wrong and i would probably look at it as ‘the same thing’ also. if you have sex with someone else, you are usually looking for something ‘new and unexpected’. the same thing you said you were looking for with your emotional affair, so in a way, it could be somewhat the same.
you did, on the other hand, tell her the truth (eventually). if you want to work toward fixing this, you have to accept that your wife is going to upset and it wont be an overnight fix. i will attach some links on ‘rebuilding trust’ and surviving infidelity and i hope you will read them and go from there.
in order for this to work out, you both have to be willing to work toward the ‘happy ending’ and i hope that you will. one of the most important things is to not make excuses and to allow your wife’s anger and mistrust, and to be patient in rebuilding it.
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/rebuilding_trust/public/rebuilding_trust.html
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/what_counts_as_cheating/public/what_counts_as_cheating.html
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/question/quick_answer/recover_affair.html
i recommend that not only you read them, but that you read them WITH your wife, and then go from there. tell her that before she makes any major decisions you would at least like her to research this with you, and then decide if she feels working on the relationship is something she is willing to do.
i can vouch that these 3 links truly helped my husband and i get through a difficult time (he did not physically cheat on me either, but did something that i felt was cheating in a way)
Counseling….seriously. If you really want to fix this — its going to take actual time and hard work. There is no quick fix. You have broken her trust. you need patience to gain it back — and not necesasrily in the way that YOU think it should happen….
This is common — people start to miss having the "ego boost" and the attention of someone else…..its takes a lot of self awareness to stop yourself…everyone likes attention. It also takes hard work to keep things fresh in a marriage — and to keep focused on the things that gave you good feelings about yourslf in the beginning – especially with the demands of life.
Its also takes TWO to tango….although what you did was wrong —- the true fault lies – as you know — in the fact that you were dishonest with YOURSELF — and didn’t give her a chance to HELP fix what was lacking…..that is the shame here. You let someone else selfishly give you what she could have given you….the trust is broken in teh fact that you turned to someone else instead of her…..can she trust you to turn to HER to give her a chance instead of another woman….
you need probably to get your OWN counseling too.
best wishes and namaste
You have betrayed your wife’s trust even though you didn’t have a physical relationship with the other woman, you also never shared with your wife what was going on. So it is understandable that after 14years of marriage, your wife is now devastated and in her mind, she feels insecure, unsure, hurt and lost because she never expected anything like this and it took her totally by surprise.
It takes a woman time to heal from these things. The best you can you, is to spend a lot of quality time with her. Date her again and take her out to. Talk to her a lot about the whole thing too. Let her ask all the questions she likes and answer her patietly and as often as you have to but always honestly while looking her in the eye and holding her hands. Give her little romantic surprises like candle light dinners at home with just the two of you. And every day let her know how much you really love her and what a wonderful wife she is and how lucky you are to have her. Just keep doing this kind of stuff honestly, warmly and lovingly. You will eventually win her back. But never lose patience with her or be angry when she has an insecure day or bad dream or asks you a zillon times where you going. Her heart and soul need to heal and her mind needs to understand what the heck happened and why you needed someone else to talk to and not her. Take her for lunches and share your heart with her rather than someone else. Your marriage has come a long way and it is indeed a very special thing and a blessing to keep it forever. Communication, Trust, Affection, Understanding and Committment to the full is what a marriage is all about and it takes TWO to make it last.Best of luck.
Understandably your wife is extremely upset, she has no reason to believe your story as you went out of your way to hide it from her and honesty has not been a strong point of yours lately. You need to tell your wife how much you love her, and that you want the marriage to work, but that your also willing to walk away if that’s what she needs for you to do. Whether you were physical or not you did in fact cheat, and your wife needs to decide in her own time if she as able/willing to try and forgive you. If your lucky enough to get a second chance, i suggest you count your blessings and spend the rest of your lives together being the best god damn husband you can possibly be. good luck
His Needs; Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/His-Needs-Her-Needs/Willard-FJr-Harley/e/9780800717889/?itm=1
I would beware of wearing sack-cloth and ashes over this for the rest of your days. You had a non physical dalliance with a Colleague which amounted to remarkably little. Of course your wife has the right to be a tad pi***d off but hopefully it will make her aware that perfectly decent Guys like you don’t even contemplate lunches with other women unless there is a big gap in their lives at home. If my loving & loyal husband were to have done this I’d be looking at my own behaviour for the cause and trying to improve our lives as a couple rather than dragging out the grovelling.
MY WIFE DID THIS TO ME, 5 WEEKS OF CALLING HIM WHEN I AM AT WORK, GOING TO HIS HOUSE FOR DINNER BUT STILL SAYS NOTHING HAPPENED. TO ME STILL THE SAME. I AM AT A CONFUSED STAGE TO FORGIVE OR END THIS,BUT PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL, STILL THE SAME AND IT IS UP TO ME OR (HER) IN YOU CASE TO FORGIVE OR GIVEUP. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND ME. I AM REALLY HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS, WE WERE TOGETHER 17 YEARS BUT MARRIED FOR 6. STILL REALLY CONFUSED.. GOOD LUCK AGAIN
MY WIFE DID THIS TO ME, 5 WEEKS OF CALLING HIM WHEN I AM AT WORK, GOING TO HIS HOUSE FOR DINNER BUT STILL SAYS NOTHING HAPPENED. TO ME STILL THE SAME. I AM AT A CONFUSED STAGE TO FORGIVE OR END THIS,BUT PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL, STILL THE SAME AND IT IS UP TO ME OR (HER) IN YOU CASE TO FORGIVE OR GIVEUP. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND ME. I AM REALLY HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS, WE WERE TOGETHER 17 YEARS BUT MARRIED FOR 6. STILL REALLY CONFUSED.. GOOD LUCK AGAIN