What a mess, why can I not be strong now?
Married 20 years. Two teenage children.
Difficult relationship/marriage from the very start. Basically is really seems we are not a good match at all. Many instances of horrible fights (some witnessed by the kids) including her getting physical toward me. She has attacked me physically numerous times over the years, some scars still remain. It has been a while since the last time. Maybe a year. She had an affair on me 10 years ago and we were separated for one year. During which she lived with this man. After I did my begging to save marriage and she refused, I re-connected with a high school sweetheart whom I feel is the love of my life to this very day. My wife finally came back and asked to work things out. I decided to try only because the kids were so young then. I broke that girl heart whom I was seeing.
The time since then has been the same with us as a couple. Some good times but so much discord. She has asked me many times to leave. She has multiple times told me she hates me. We are not good together.
Fast Forward: We are separated again. We are in different states now. This all due to her getting into legal trouble with the law. She is currently awaiting her fate with the courts. I have discovered she has been again talking to her lover from the affair 10 years ago. I have been alone, raising our two kids through all this. She cannot get a job because of her problems. In a nutshell, she has ruined our lives. I also blame her for health problems my father developed from all the stress of this.
I no longer love this woman. I took much time to gather all my thoughts and told her I want a Divorce. I have also told my children. I do not want to go back after all that has happened. And going back will have so many problems financially and she will have fines and penalties. We will have to claim BK. All because of her foolish actions against the law. And getting caught!!
Before I told her and the kids, I was resolute!! I have the support of my family. It’s sad, it’s not what I wanted for my life. But now she is throwing all the emotional cards at me. Begging, pleading, telling me she will change. Telling me I an ruining the kids lives. I am throwing away 20 years and things will get better. And she will get help with her anger issues etc etc etc…. Crying and Begging.
I was so sure of myself. And I think deep down I still am. But all her words have stalled my momentum. And because I do feel sorry for her, I let her continue to plead her case.
I don’t think there is any way the marriage is viable. But I am stalled at finally shutting her down and starting my life over. Why?
I love my kids. I am here for them. But I just can’t make the same decision twice based solely on them. They by the way are not happy with my decision….. But they don’t know all of what I’ve told above either….
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Tagged with: 10 years • bk • discord • divorce • fate • good times • health problems • heart • high school sweetheart • instances • last time • legal trouble • love • marriage • match • multiple times • nutshell • relationship marriage • scars • stress • teenage children • trouble with the law
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Based on your story, it seems that you guys have done nothing to make things different. You constantly fall back into the same behavioral patterns. What work have you done to be a different husband? What work has she done to be a different wife?
I’m not a fan of separations, and your story is living proof as to why. During the separation, you both made decisions that only complicated your situation. When you got back together, not only did you still have the unresolved problems that drove you apart in the first place, but you’ve added a host of new problems to the mix.
I’m 100% for marriage, and for working things out. But in your case I really don’t have much hope. The reason why you’re stalling at pulling the plug is that this dysfunctional relationship is a comfort zone for you. It is what you’re most familiar with, and walking away from it is a step into the unknown.
This is why you’re rationalizing the way you are. People come up with all kinds of noble sounding reasons in order to talk themselves into doing nothing.
Sounds like 20 years is plenty time for her to change. Move on with your life, it’s time for YOU to be happy.
If you want to give it one last try, go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose.
If you are done, don’t waste another year of your life hoping for something to change that won’t.
Have you tried talking this over with a counselor?
Each has to blame, looks like everyone is giving up!
quit giving us this bullshlt about how much you love your kids and bla bla bla. your kids are old enough to know their mother is a fkn idiot, why aren’t you? you put up with this shlt for years and years and keep whining, it’s so fkn pathetic. i’m so sick and tired of ppl like you.
Run and do not walk to the nearest exit, go through exit wave bye bye. Get out quick she is a toxic mess.
Get rhythm when you get the blues
C’mon, get rhythm when you get the blues
Get a rock ‘n’ roll feelin’ in your bones
Get taps on your toes and get gone
Get rhythm when you get the blues
Little shoeshine boy never gets low down
But he’s got the dirtiest job in town
Bendin’ low at the peoples’ feet
On the windy corner of the dirty street
Well, I asked him while he shined my shoes
How’d he keep from gettin’ the blues
He grinned as he raised his little head
Popped a shoeshine rag and then he said
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
C’mon, get rhythm when you get the blues
Yes a jumpy rhythm makes you feel so fine
It’ll shake all the trouble from your worried mind
Get rhythm when you get the blues
Well, I sat down to listen to the shoeshine boy
And I thought I was gonna jump for joy
Slapped on the shoe polish left and right
He took a shoeshine rag and he held it tight
He stopped once to wipe the sweat away
I said you’re a mighty little boy to be-a workin’ that way
He said I like it with a big wide grin
Kept on a poppin’ and he said again
Get rhythm when you get the blues
C’mon, get rhythm when you get the blues
It only costs a dime, just a nickel a shoe
Does a million dollars worth of good for you
Get rhythm when you get the blues
Fist of all noone has the power to ruin your life unless you allow it.
You’re not throwing away 20 years you are simply giving yourself the next twenty years. Twenty years without all the anger, resentment and pain. Can you seriously imagine this still happening twenty years from now? I don’t think that’s what you want for your life.
My advice – be true to how you really feel. Listen to the truth thats resonating inside of you and not just your thoughts or compassion. When you know the truth move forward with it knowing that it’s the right thing to do – for you.
I was married to a woman that hit me ONCE. I left right after the incident. You should leave it alone too my friend. After 20 years it’s time to think of you. She has made some seriously bad choices. It sounds like the only correct choice she made you coming back to you. I know it’s sad, I know you may feel empty, and at a loss of thoughts and words. But your children will understand, and in the long run, you will feel better that you left all this drama behind. Go see a bankruptcy lawyer and get that ball rolling, because you have to be in the same county as you file for it. You can’t live in county X and file in county Y. (Same with states. You can’t live in U state, and file in R state).
It sounds to me like you have attempted to do the right thing over and over again with this women. 20 years? Wow, emotional abuse can go both ways you know?
Life is entirely too precious to waste on being unhappy like this. Your children would be better off for it in the long run. Sometimes they suffer less emotional trauma from an end to the situation than dragging it out, know what I mean? You are the adult, you know whats best better than they do…
Cut yourself loose from her, move on and find some happiness and peace in your life. There are good women out there who will love, honor and cherish. Find some support groups or something do whats best for you and move on with your life…
Good luck to you, truly…
read what you wrote… and then read it again. your life is a mess with this woman and you have harbored your love for another woman for the majority of your marriage… this in itself is enough reason to divorce, let alone the anguish she has put you through being abusive and irresponsible. you cannot believe yourself that you can be happy with your wife the way things are right now, or if ever. stick to your guns, get that divorce and move on, so that the remainder of your days will not be spent trying your best to ignore the obvious, that your marriage has failed. the kids will love seeing you in a new light, a happy light, once it’s all over. change is scarey… but at times very necessary. best of luck to you.
Do NOT let her guilt you into going back with her.
People rarely change…if in 20 years she has not changed, she isn’t going to NOW.
When your kids are adults you will be able to explain to them what they are too young to understand now…and they will look upon it as adults and realize that you did what you did for them…..children should NEVER be exposed to your wife’s type of behavior. If counseling will help them, get it for them.
Each day is a chance at a new life…it matters NOT how many years went before the new life…your life is ruined ONLY if you Permit it to be ruined.
I started over at age 43 with 3 out of four kids still at home and 22 years of a marriage that was difficult…if I had changed my mind because of his begging and let him come back after his walking out on me yet again, I would not now, 14 years later, be in a better place…I have since married a wonderful man that my kids call awesome and my life is so much better than it was….I am finally in a happy marriage. I can not feel sorry for him either…..he brought all his woes down upon himself and there comes a time you can not let yourself get guilted over what another does with their life…their choice, Hon…..stay strong for those kids…one day they will thank you.
I don’t understand why when people ask for help other people get on here and say some of the rudest crap ever! I understand right now things are a mess for you, but usually when your spouse starts to drag you and the family down morally and financially your doing your children a favor by putting and end to it. In a perfect world she would be telling the truth and you wouldn’t be in financial ruin. However you are and you’ve wasted enough time on her and her foolishness! It’s time for the healing process to being for you and your children….don’t hold it up by letting this woman think she has a chance in hell to do this all over to you guys again! Good luck!
She is abusive towards you and still you go back with her again and again, listening to her promises to change and she never does! If the genders were reversed, I would definitely tell a woman in your situation to leave and never look back. I’m telling you the same thing. I’m very sorry that you have dealt with this for so long and that you missed your chance with your high school sweetheart because of this woman. It sounds like you’ve done everything you possibly could to save this marriage and do right by your children, but it’s time to make a break. Be strong–do it for yourself. Save your own life. And call up that sweetheart! Maybe it’s not too late with her!