Comments on: if your dumped for their ex? http://howdoigetmyexboyfriendback.org/5979/if-your-dumped-for-their-ex/ Sat, 11 Feb 2012 14:09:15 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Feyhera http://howdoigetmyexboyfriendback.org/5979/if-your-dumped-for-their-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-40975 Feyhera Thu, 04 Mar 2010 12:19:56 +0000 http://howdoigetmyexboyfriendback.org/5979/if-your-dumped-for-their-ex/#comment-40975 I hear that you understand that your ex's world is dysfunctional and, frankly, any energy you decide to contribute to it in the future will just enable her to stay dysfunctional. The details are superfluous, that is, whether or not she reaches back out to you or not, the overall history tells us that until she seeks professional help for her self-destructive lifestyle choices, you cannot be expected to get involved in "rescuing" her again. And that's the thing -- she's running scared and looking for a savior. Whether she's 40 or 15, it doesn't change that she's emotionally immature and on a fruitless search for a parent-substitute. Ok, so what about you? Because you're the one here asking the question and looking for help. That's big. It shows that you know that your life can be better, happier and less drama-filled. Good for you. I hear that you're confused and terribly hurt by this long, arduous love you have for your ex. Let me share something I learned from personal experience: I had a 7 yr long relationship with a man I adored. He turned out to be an alcoholic, drug addict batterer. Long story short, in the end, I found the strength and hope to send him away forever. It was hard and painful, BUT... I learned as time went on that I didn't die from the agony of losing him. I realized that MY love was MINE and it was good and important and really nothing to do with HIM or anyone else for that matter. It came from me and I was/am the one experiencing it! I learned that I actually could love him better when he wasn't around and that our "relationship" was the best it had ever been once I knew I'd never see him again. Sound weird? Not at all. Thing is, I have all the good memories of him and our time together to cherish and he's not here to tarnish those nice feelings with his bad behavior and abuse. I can go months, years even, just loving him from afar, not exposed to his hell. And every time I think of going to look for him, I just close my eyes and remember one bad day with him and the desire to find him evaporates. You see, we can love people and NOT share in the daily consequences of their choices. But we can only have this kind of "perfect" love as long as they're not around to mess it up. Just believe that you are strong enough to get through this very tough part -- the immediate aftermath of a terrible break-up. Fact is, there is no such thing as a good break-up, so the ache you may be feeling to re-unite with her and forgive her and so on is really an expression of the fear you feel about walking through the pain of loss. You need to just grieve and the healing will slowly come. But it takes time. And it takes time in which you have no contact with her. If you really want to move on, you must just move on. And believe that the parts of her that you love will travel with you in your heart, untarnished by her day-to-day self-destruction. I really hope this has comforted you a bit. Stay strong and be well. (((hugs))) I hear that you understand that your ex’s world is dysfunctional and, frankly, any energy you decide to contribute to it in the future will just enable her to stay dysfunctional. The details are superfluous, that is, whether or not she reaches back out to you or not, the overall history tells us that until she seeks professional help for her self-destructive lifestyle choices, you cannot be expected to get involved in "rescuing" her again. And that’s the thing — she’s running scared and looking for a savior. Whether she’s 40 or 15, it doesn’t change that she’s emotionally immature and on a fruitless search for a parent-substitute.

Ok, so what about you? Because you’re the one here asking the question and looking for help. That’s big. It shows that you know that your life can be better, happier and less drama-filled. Good for you. I hear that you’re confused and terribly hurt by this long, arduous love you have for your ex. Let me share something I learned from personal experience: I had a 7 yr long relationship with a man I adored. He turned out to be an alcoholic, drug addict batterer. Long story short, in the end, I found the strength and hope to send him away forever. It was hard and painful, BUT… I learned as time went on that I didn’t die from the agony of losing him. I realized that MY love was MINE and it was good and important and really nothing to do with HIM or anyone else for that matter. It came from me and I was/am the one experiencing it! I learned that I actually could love him better when he wasn’t around and that our "relationship" was the best it had ever been once I knew I’d never see him again. Sound weird? Not at all. Thing is, I have all the good memories of him and our time together to cherish and he’s not here to tarnish those nice feelings with his bad behavior and abuse. I can go months, years even, just loving him from afar, not exposed to his hell. And every time I think of going to look for him, I just close my eyes and remember one bad day with him and the desire to find him evaporates. You see, we can love people and NOT share in the daily consequences of their choices. But we can only have this kind of "perfect" love as long as they’re not around to mess it up. Just believe that you are strong enough to get through this very tough part — the immediate aftermath of a terrible break-up. Fact is, there is no such thing as a good break-up, so the ache you may be feeling to re-unite with her and forgive her and so on is really an expression of the fear you feel about walking through the pain of loss. You need to just grieve and the healing will slowly come. But it takes time. And it takes time in which you have no contact with her. If you really want to move on, you must just move on. And believe that the parts of her that you love will travel with you in your heart, untarnished by her day-to-day self-destruction.

I really hope this has comforted you a bit. Stay strong and be well. (((hugs)))

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