My wife gets drunk and belligerent. I love her but I can't take much more.?
We have only been married 18 months and she is very controlling and abusive. She wants to spend all of her time in the bar. It also doesn’t help that she works in a bar as a bartender. I could handle it at first but now she gets very mean. I tired to get her into counseling a year ago and she refused. For a while, she got a lot better and now she has relapsed again.
Yesterday she worked an eight hour day shift and I showed up right after she was done to pick her up. She wanted to hang out for a while so we ran into some friends and were having a great time. Then our friends left and she demanded that we stay for four hours even though I hadn’t eaten at all that day and it was now after 10pm. Then on the way home, I started getting screamed at and she hit me. She then kept screaming at me to give her the money she had given me and told me under no circumstances was I to give her the money. She was so drunk she fell trying to hit me again and then said "I made her fall".
She has had a rough life and went through things as a baby and child that no kid should have to. She constantly ditches me for the bar. I drink too, but not near as much or as often as she does. I cried my eyes out most of the night and told her today that I wanted to separate. She then asked if we could finally try counseling. I really love her and want to find the woman I love again. She refuses to go to AA and refuses to even acknowledge that there is a problem. If I mention anything, I’m nagging and have to get off her case or get screamed at. Do you think counseling will even help? She is also very jealous and has driven away 90% of my female friends, yet she is allowed to have as many male friends as she wants. She does not drive, so often I am her ride and have to stay at the bar until she is ready to go no matter how tired or hungry I am.She can be very sweet and has had a hard life. I know if I do leave, she will be crushed. What do I do? Sorry for such a long post.
Related Information:
Tagged with: aa • bartender • circumstances • counseling • day shift • ditches • Drunk • female friends • great time • having a great time • love • male friends • money • rough life
Filed under: How To Get Her Back
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Go and educate yourself
This is not a mature relationship. This is a dependency relationship. You are enabling her drinking. YOU need to go the Al Anon to learn your part in her drinking. You never should drink with her again. You never should take her or go to a bar with her again.
I’m not sure you love her. It sounds more like you feel sorry for her.
I had a similar situation with my hubby, however, it’s the same spirit in both cases. A specialist recommended that with these type of personalities, you need to completely cut off all communcation. So separate, cut off communication and allow God to direct you. This helps some to finally "break" and realize that they need help. If she refused to eventually get it, keep praying. Get wise counsel from a Mentor at a good christian church.
Bless your heart.
this is not a good relationship and you already know this! no man or woman deserves anything like this!
She has shown her true colors, you shouldn’t have to sit up crying b/c of the hurt and pain you are going through. just because she has been through s*** growing up doesn’t give her the right to abuse someone that she is married too.
councoling isn’t going to help her obvieslly, especially if she doesn’t want to admit that she has a drinking problem.
I have bene through some crazy s*** in my life but I would NEVER do that to my husband! you need to leave and move on with your life, no matter how hard it is and painful it is. Even though you know it will hurt her and yourself, in the end you will be the stronger better person and maybe she will see that she needs help!!!!
You need to worry about yourself not her anymore!!!
if she falls b/c she hits you, and then calls the cops and says that you hit her or aynthing then you will go to jail. 98% of the time they take the male before they take the female!
please step away from her and move on with your life and find someone that will love you for you and be there to make you dinner instead of make you starve while she drinks.
Best of luck honey!
You have to sit this woman down, and spell it out for her. Either she starts going to AA and gets some counseling for her abusive behaviour, or you’re gone. And it can’t be an empty threat. You have to mean it. You don’t mention children so I’m assuming you don’t have any together. Would you want to bring a child in to this relationship?
Think about it this way; if this were your sister (assuming you have/had one), and you found out her bartender husband of 18 months was getting piss loaded drunk all the time, and slapping her around, hanging out with a lot of other women, and refused to even acknowledge a problem, let alone get help, what would you advise her to do?
I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but it is necessary. For her sake, for your sake, for the sake of your marriage. If she won’t get help, then you need to move on. End it before you waste another decade of your life with this women, and their are children involved.
I am writing this not because I have any advice at all, I mean, I could tell you what to do , I majored in Psychology specializing in relationship therapy in college, but it would be hollow and I would feel terrible for being so high and mighty. Which is the main reason I don’t practice, I can only empathize, as my husband is the same way.
When not drinking he is the light of my life, the angel that has helped me deal with a rough past, much like you are trying to do with her, but when he drinks he says and does things that I don’t even associate with the man that I love. I feel like if he loved me he wouldn’t drink so much, as I quit drinking because we used to have explosive fights. Now I am starting to realize his drinking has nothing to do with me and I am silly to believe that a person who doesn’t;t seem to think there really is a problem will ever change.
But I get it, I do, I know why you ask the question instead of running out the door. You love her and believe she will get help, but the truth is she really only offered because she is scared of you leaving her and when she feels comfortable again she will just drink all over again.
Like I said, No advice, I never leave my husband and forgive the second he smiles but maybe you could learn from this girl’s mistakes…..we have been through that loop for as long as you have been together..
I am a sober alcoholic of 19+ yrs. & your wife has a bad drinking problem. She is just like all of us when we’re actively drinking & that is to not care about anything but that drink. Making you stay there w/nothing to eat all day is of course not rite or considerate of her, but of course she is drunk by then & not thinking of you or her needs, Of course she’s not hungry, she has her stomach filled w/alcohol & that’s all she cares about at that moment. I use to drink & not even bother to eat, I just was not hungry. Of course I made my family their dinner as I had a husband & 3 children, so I at least did take care of them most of the time. I will admit there were times tho I was at a bar & didn’t make it home for dinner. I carried around a lot of guilt for the way I treated my family. I left my husband & my two older children were 19 & 20, but my youngest son was only 13 when I left home, I carried around guilt for yrs. for not being there for him & my daughter had to take care of the household then plus go to college. I had met another alcoholic & left home. A short while later we went to AA. I got sober, he went to AA mtgs., umpteen detoxes, 28 day programs, but just could not/would not stay sober. I did have a couple relapses as he cheated on me, me & my alcoholic thinking that IF I drank, he wouldn’t have the need to go w/these girls who also drank. WRONG!!! I finally got sober & stayed sober. You however CANNOT put your life on hold because she’d be "crushed" if you left. You are a codependent of her drinking! Of course she’s not going to counseling, she KNOWS she’ll be told to stop drinking. I don’t care what kind of a rough childhood she lived, it is NO reason for her to blame that on her drinking, no reason for you to justify her drinking because of that. You cannot & should not be suffering because of her drinking. This is so unfair for your sake. I highly recommend you go to a few mtgs. of Alanon. I mean that in all seriousness. You want to help her, you want to help yourself, then PLEASE please go to a FEW mtgs. You can just sit & listen or you can ask questions. If you don’t want to ask questions at the time of the mtg., then pick someone who impresses you in knowing a bit about the program & ask them whatever you wish. They are by far the best bunch of folks you could want to know. Call the 800# for alcohol in the yellow pages & go to the next closest mtg. to your home. You can either tell her where you’re going or if you feel it best not to, then don’t. But you do owe it to yourself to go. I’ve said so many times, AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity. I hung in w/my ex far longer than I should have as I so wanted him to get sober & live a happy life w/him. It just was not meant to be tho. He cheated on me so many times I litterly lost count. Left me several times to go live w/others but begged to come "home" I could help him. I finally got the courage to tell him NO the last time he wanted to come "home". I felt like a ton of bricks rolled off my back. I was finally free of it all. NO more of that insanity. I was free to live my life as I pleased & not had to worry about him any more. That was 25 yrs. ago, I have not seen or heard from him since. He did divorce me, I knew he went back to his home a few states away. Called the court house & found he’d divorced me 6 yrs, prior. I sent for the "raised seal" copy of the divorce & am now completely free of him. Please don’t allow her to drag you down. Please don’t "allow" her to hurt you anymore. Alcohol is a cunning, addictive, killer disease that just keep getting worse & worse. IF she doesn’t stop, one day in some way it’s going to kill her, hopefully not taking anyone else along w/her! You CANNOT help her, she doesn’t want help. But you have to take care of YOU. You cannot save her regardless of how hard you try, what you do, or what you want. I know, I walked in your shoes. Please go to a few Alanon mtgs. & get some insite on this disease. Hopefully it will give you the courage you need to leave her. This is what you MUST DO. You cannot stay in this relationship, you’re already suffering from it, it’s only going to get worse that I CAN promise you. You’ve got to use "tough love" & leave her. You don’t know, but it’s possible if you leave her she just may get sober. But as long as you’re a co dependent of her drinking, she is NOT going to get sober! Please leave her for her sake, for your sake. I don’t know how much or what to say to have you realize by you being w/her you are her crutch. Please leave her because you love her. If you don’t, it’s going to kill her. Believe me when I say I KNOW what I’m saying is the truth. I will help any alcoholic I can. Someone was there for me, I’ll be there for them. I’ll also be there for YOU, I DO CARE…the best to you…:)
Yes, leave her. I’m in the same situation as you. Love her, want her to be healthy, angry at her selfishness, hoping for it to get better. For too long. Toooooo long. Now, free. Hurts like hell. It’s an addiction, being with her. But better to face the pain and be free than living the addiction, now, in a year, or 5 years, or 10 years. Where will you be in 10 years?
I am in the same situation, except my pregnant GF has relapsed, she is 4 months, this is the second time she has relapsed during pregnancy, the first time I told her dr and some family, the dr. Threatened to call cps so she quit, but I had to go though hell afterwards so I’m not telling her dr again, does no good, she has a min. Income of SSI for bipolar, the apt is in my name, but sometimes I just feel like leaving it all n changing my number one day, I know that would be messed up on my part but I’m going crazy, but scared to leave cause I don’t want her to commit suicide or something, I used to drink but quit, I don’t know how, but she scrounges up money (probably food stamp trading) for something to drink every day while I’m at work, then I come home to “I hate you” type yelling which she swears she doesn’t remember the next day, and she is so loud! We almost got evicted once already, I usually just cruise the block for a couple of hours till she sobers up and so I don’t get in an altercation and end up in jail, while ignoring her 50 or more calls, and she also wrecks the house while I’m gone. She has also had gastric bypass surgery which makes it to where all she needs is a 6 pack and she is in a rage! She is a real sweetheart when she is sober, and I really love her and I want my son, but I’m willing to sign off on the child support now just to get away from it all. We have been together 2 years, she went to rehab right before she was pregnant, no place will. Take her now cause she is pregnant and only has medicaid.
I’m in a similar situation…I am 100% convinced I would leave if we did not have 2 kids together and many friends together. I don’t want to burden any of our friends with the problem and I’m scared to go for therapy – i’ve no idea what I would say, or she would say.
This is good advice, alcohol, self esteem, mood swings, selfishness, anger, children watching and learning the ways, they too will think this is normal life and possibly do this with their families in the future. Counseling, AA, ala non, or leave. I have gone through this for 14 years and it does not stop till you stop it! You are the only one that can help your self. No one can change your life but you. It is hard and scary, but will quickly get better in short time. All advice in this colum is correct from someone who used to ask everyone for help, no one can do it but you, you know what needs to be done. Good luck.
teach this woman a lesson she will never forget hook her up with some friends of yours for a fun night for them the next time she is drunk then the fun begins start calling her cell phone and busting her balls she will remember alot of it the next day waking up naked with like 5 guys around her will be a wake up call for her lol