my husband says he loves me but hes not in love with me?
My husband and I have been married for 18 years and just recently I felt a distance and I confronted him about it, come to find out he says he loves me doesn’t want anything to happen to me kind of love wants to still be in the same house for the kids sake tells me he has felt this way for probably 3 years now but is tired of lying to himself and to me he cries says he doesn’t want to hurt me and that he doesn’t want to feel this way but he don’t know how to get it back he says he crings when I touch him and that the only time he feels close to me is when he is horney and we make love but once were through its back to disgust I have noticed that the nights we make love he wakes me up in the middle of night talking to me being intimate telling me he wants and needs me but then when I talk to him about what he did he doesn’t remember it and were back to the distance again he tells me I need to make him fall in love with me all over again. Can anyone help? Its killing me
everyone has to know the reason I say 3 years it was about that time that I cheated on him which I horribly terribly regret because it was a huge mistake he told me he thinks that that is what this is steming from feeling he was 2nd best he took me back and we went on with our lifes he really is sincere in his words when he tells me he doesn’t want to feel this way he wants to love me he wants to be loved he just don’t know how to get back and he don’t know if it will ever come back he wants me to find myself, be happy, don’t push and maybe it will bring the feeling back
and what I don’t understand is the middle of the night intimacy thing, where is that coming from I mean I swear he truly talks to me likes he is awake. Example: This happened last night he told me how badly he wanted me and needed me and that he didn’t want anyone else to ever feel this. I truly believe there is no one else because it seems this is tearing him apart as well and no he doesn’t want to go to counseling he said how is talking to someone going to make him love me again
and just so everyone knows he says its definately not me as far as the way I look actually I have lost so much weight because of this he tells me he can tell me he loves me act like nothing has happened but he says I’m beautiful but he doesn’t want to get me false hope
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Tagged with: 18 years • 3 years • counseling • disgust • intimacy • love • mistake • sake
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Cleanup jobs are almost always futile, and it’s easier to take care of a relationship so that it never gets this bad. Of course, your husband has been lying to himself and you by his own admission, so his integrity is low, and he has his own work cut out for him, and I would be personally a little bent that it took him 3 years to verbalize this nonsense, and it still came out sounding like gibberish.
You can’t love somebody (in the romantic sense) and not be ‘in love’ with them. That’s a meaningless statement. Toss that crap out on the dung heap of crap people borrow from bad Hollywood movies.
The two main drivers in a relationship are "interest" and "respect". You need to respect one another to be compatible, and you need to be interested in one another to be romantically in love.
Everybody knows about affection: saying nice little things, touching, holding hands, etc. But there are other things that lead to your mates not respecting you: lack of self-control, being inflexible, having a bad attitude or no sense of humor, etc.
And then there’s being interesting: if you are boring, fix that. Get into shape, cultivate some of your own interests, focus on the positive, become a fun and playful person. Then if things don’t work out between you two, you will have a leg up on finding a confident gentleman who can respect and appreciate you.
Clearly there are some issues you both need to work on together. What can you both do to achieve that?
That he loves you but not "in love with you" is a crock of shit. I heard it from my ex…..together 15yrs, two children, divorced now for nine years.
I disagree with his assessment that YOU need to make him fall in love with you again. That is just his way of shirking his own part in your relationship. If I were you I would start asking some very pointed questions regarding you and him and define what direction you want to go in. It wont be an easy thing…..by any means.
see a counsler, if he is willing to try that is a very good sign,but cringing when someone touches you is a very bad sign sounds like he might be at the point of no return. you need better, if he wants to try to fix it great, if not life is to short to be unhappy
After 18 years of marriage, it’s understandable that he might feel this way. It may not be about you at all. Perhaps he’s bored with life (not just the marriage, but life itself). He says he hates for you to touch him, yet he wants sex at night. He still wants to stay in the house and he wants you to make him fall back in love with you. These are the words of a man who is confused–bored, tired, unhappy with himself. Plan a trip for the two of you. Seriously. Plan a getaway, where the both of you can unwind. Even if it’s just a weekend trip across town, let the grandparents do the honors; so you and your husband can spend some time away from the kids, the house, the bills, the boredom, and the rest of it. Do it soon. In the meantime, be sure to keep your appearance up. Be a loving wife and pray that your husband comes out of this. Also, be glad he opened up to you. That’s the first step to solving this problem. Best wishes!
This marriage needs to find its sparks again IF it can. Keep in mind it doesnt matter how much love you feel for him if he can not reciprocate. If he is up for counseling give it a try but dont expect the sparks to fly. Simply some marriages just lose its spunk.
He is making excuses. The I love you but not in love stuff is crap. I’ve heard it from my own husband when he was making excuses for wanting to cheat. I’m not saying your’s is cheating but is something to think about.
As for you needing to make him fall in love again. That’s crap too. It takes two to get through these things and he needs to make an effort as well.
Sounds like that ‘mid-life’ crisis rearing its’ head. It is up to both of you to ‘fall in love again’; not just you. He is using you as his ‘target’ to put all his negative feelings and emotions on. Blaming you and not trying to see what is beneath it all and work on that. In this case, I think he needs some counseling by himself so he can open up and see things clearly.
I know very well what you are talking about. It’s a tough situation. First of all, I think it is good that your husband has come around to see things as they are, and you should try to do that also, hard as it may be.
Discount the night escapades, that’s not about you, it’s about satisfying his sexual needs. What is left on his part is an amount of loyalty, but I doubt that that is enough (or should be) to carry the two of you through the 30+ years ahead. And believe me, it is an illusion to think that you can "make" someone fall in love with you again. I have tried that with an ex-partner, and there was no way it could work. Sorry to say so, but it seems to me that a friendly separation is what you should aim for.
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Sounds like your only real hope is to put yourself at his mercy. Ask him to direct you, tell you what he wants, and then make it happen. Only that kind of pennance will erase the gulf that exists.
I am guessing here he has alot of anger towards you. Probably hard to let that go, maybe a counselor can get you both through this. I do know from experience anger and hate turns into distrust and makes you feel disgusted with your partner. I too have been married going on 19yrs and we are just now going to counseling. Kids come along and you soon lose touch with each other. Start with counseling, then make dates with each other and see if that helps. You were a couple before a family, remember that. Even though I say that it is harder to live by than preach it I know. Good luck, I think you can fall back into love once the communication starts. And a mediator that is neutral will help you learn how to do that.
Clearly it is the affair you had 3 years ago.
I am a man and have had an affair myself. It was a mistake and I had and have terrible guilt. My wife has no idea.
Everything else can be worked out, except adultery. That is why if and when it happens you should never say anything and take it to your grave.
It was a one time mistake and as long as I know it was a mistake and it is not happening still then I am able to live with it.
If the afffair continued on a regular basis then I would have question the relationship.
Once the cat is out of the bag and you want to keep the marraige together there is little you can do to make him love you again the way he did before.
The best thing you can do is not try to make him love again. If you love him then you should surrender. Stay together for the kids sake. Work together on the love of your children because that is where you will find true love. At this point the most important part is your children.
Counseling may help, but you have to both want that. The one thing that that you can count on is that you want the happiness of you children.
Work on this and in time, you will be friends again, and friends can sometimes become lovers. That is the goal.
I always tell my wife I love her, but really I don’t. I also don’t have any sex or intimacy with her. This has been going on for 40+ years, and Its worked so far. I like my wife as a friend or partner only. Now some will think this is mean and cruel and maybe it is. She does feel depressed, lonely and unwanted, but I got her on some good meds. She’s more relaxed and quite.