How do I save my marriage from my passive husband and demonic step children?
My step children are hideously selfish and don’t listen to a thing I tell them. They won’t even bathe! They’re 14(boy) and 11(girl). My husband has a passive parenting style. He hates to hear any fussing or fighting and likes to avoid confrontations. He knows that they treat me bad, but he says he doesn’t understand why he lets them do it. He says he just doesn’t know how to make them do the right thing. He’s tried punishment, rewards, and a combination of both. Nothing seems to work. I know that he loves me very much and it bothers him that he can’t figure out how to make the children behave and do as they’re told. He also loves his children, but they are tearing our marriage apart. Anyone have any ideas or have you ever been in this same situation??
A little more info:
We have a two year old daughter together. Mu husband just deployed to Iraq and will be gone 15 months. The mother rarely calls, lives out of state and is schizophrenic . She sees them maybe once every other year. My husband is a good man and a good father to my baby. He carries a lot of guilt about his divorce and the impact it had on his kids. I didn’t mean to make it sound like he was spinelss. I think his passiveness stems more from guilt than anything else.
We’ve been married for about 3 1/2 years.
I tried for the first two years to have some sort of relationship with the two of them. I’ve done things with them/for them, I’m the one who takes them shopping, I’m the one who buys them new clothes, I’m the one who makes their father take them to the library, the park, etc. After two years of doing for them and getting nothing (respect) in return, I stopped doing so much for them. They are just REALLY selfish children who were used to being the bosses and getting what they wanted. I’ve even suggested family counselling, but now that my husband is deployed, it’s too late for that.
Just a little nore in defense of myself: My husband is in the military and he’s not home much. The children are left in my care. I have provided them with structure and activities. It’s easy for a few to point the finger at me and say I’m the one being selfish, but if you any idea how many "talks" the kidsa and I have had about our relationship, you’d understand why, at this point, I’m pulling my hair out. I agree with some of the negative comments. You’re right, I shouldn’t let their behavior bother me, but I don’t know of any way to just "turn off" my emotions when they treat me so badly. Even their father ADMITS that they treat me badly. Again, I have suggested (on several occasions) that we seek family councelling. I work, their father is gone, and I’m taking care of all three children. Is it so much to ask, for them to just follow a few rules? I’ve compromised a lot. I stopped nagging them to bathe, brush teeth, do homework or clean up after themselves!
By the way, Skidoo, my screen name was a joke between my sister and myself. One I’ve had for years. No hidden meaning whatsoever. 
And for any of you who took offense to the term "demonic step children", come on! It was a phrase to show just how frustrated I am with them! I’ve done more for those two chilldren since I’ve known them than either their real mother or their father. I’ve taught them why they shouldn’t lie or steal, how to have compassion for others, how to take care of themselves, and a lot of other real life skills they need to become productive adults. The issues they have were going on a looooong time before I was ever in the picture. I tried to give them what they needed but they rejected me, so don’t point fingers at me for getting tired of trying to help them when they don’t want or appreciate my help. Sometimes, I think the only ones who really understand are the ones who have walked in my shoes. And some called ME judgemental?
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Tagged with: 15 months • clothes • confrontations • counselling • divorce • do the right thing • good man • guilt • iraq • little nore • marriage • Mu • parenting style • passiveness • relationship • rewards • selfish children • shopping
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Read the out of print book "Love and Power in the Step-Family". You can get it interlibrary loan, and maybe from http://www.abebooks.com. It outlines the various families(power structures) you are dealing with. Get your husband "PET Parent Effectiveness Training". Use that to help him to become the primary parent. You need to contain discusions to the privacy of the two of you, so that you can elevate your own relationship above that of him and the children, or of the children themselves. Learn only to speak for him in his absence, or to defend yourself from abuse. Use statements like "Your father wants you to…" and let the consequences fall from him after you have been able to talk with him privately. There are other blended family books out there if you have more time to read, but this is the best.
punishment should work like no phone or grounding and he should back you up too…there are always boot camps if they would prefer to have something like basic training….my 1st husband fought me every step but my kids turned out decent due to me..
Your husband needs to take some parenting classes before its too late. From the sounds of it, he needs to step up and be the man for the sake of these children. Tough love will be needed here. Is he man enough for it?
Tell him, "here let me show you how to make them behave,give me your belt."Then wear their butts out and tell him to do this EVERY time they want to misbehave.It is a shame you have to teach him how to be a man and a father.If this doesnt work, either leave or suck it up.
He needs spinal surgery to see if doctors can insert a spine into his back.
Go to a family counselor everybody. Tell them either everybody goes or I am leaving and be firm about it.
Ignore it-let his children smell bad. But as long as they treat you like crap, don’t do anything for them either-ie wash their clothes, fix meals, take them places. Tell your husband until they learn to respect you, you will be "on strike" and HE will have to take up all the parenting duties. If he still refuses to control his children, you might want to reconsider your relationship-if your feeling don’t matter to him, then maybe you should move on….Good Luck!
what a very good question i was married and still em, but my husband and i are seperated he had a son and i had a son but not to each other his kid never did no wrong he was an angel with 3 wings it is very hard to mix familys and i know exactly what you are goen threw its tough your husband needs to set them straight and make them respect you and listen to your rules if not the household will be conflicting everyday kids today think there the boss what happened to the good days when u respected your parents and listened so gl to ya i have been in your situation and it did not work i feel for you gl to you and your husband tc jewels
First of all, I am so sorry to hear that your stepchilderen are so selfish. It pretty much starts off from when they are about 3.
(Believe me, I’ve got a couple of cousins 3 & + and they are S0000 motherrr freakin spoiled and selfish)
Tell your husband that if he’s not going to do anything about it, then you will. If you feel the need to whip out a belt, then do it. Don’t let those kids run you and know you’re scared. They’re taking advantage of you because they know you wont do anything.
And for the 14 year old, that’s just discusting! MAKE him take a bath! When they get that old, guys have body odors and that’s just not healthy! (Samde for the girl, she’s getting to an age where she’s gonna be stinky!)
Good luckk
This is a difficult situation for you because of the kids’ ages. Teenagers are difficult at times. Being a step-parent is too. Your husband is going to have to step up, as much as he doesn’t want to, and make his kids act more respectful. Make him take action.
it sounds like a new marriage for you and those kids resent the fact you are trying to be their mother.
don’t try to be their buddy and write down house rules that you expect out of them and reward small achievements with whatever they like.no bath=no dessert,or whatever.Just take away what they like for punishment and stick to it.
Your husband needs to participate,they are his kids not yours.
sounds like you got married to him without thinking it through.
kids at that age are normally rebellious, how long have you been married ?? seems the kids are just trying to set there lines and know that pop wont and cant do anything, I know this frustrates you, be firm, have a serious talk with your husband and kids. communication is important here !!! does the mother active in her role ? step-children are confused by a new person giving them rules..good luck..
well first off im really sorry to hear,,
one thing your going to have to understand your going to have to stop thinking of yourself and think why are the kids acting like this is it bec they dont want a step mom and feel like your intruding in their life or is it bec they just brats.. i know what your going thou my mom went thou it with my brother and myself when we where younger and believe me i treated him like crap i was rude and used him for everything i could if i wanted money i would ask him. and believe me i feel like crap now thinking back to the way i was but you have to try and connect to the kids like there now preteens why dont you try and do something with the girl maybe try going to the mall with her or on walks but dont try to connect right away bec that will just freak them out and they will try and get rid of you faster but if you maybe just go up to the girl and ask if she wants to go to the mall and she can bring a friend and make it a girl day.. you just have to remember that they are most likely trying to get rid of you and you cant let them let them know who’s boss but don’t use it all the time bec you need to be good cope sometimes too you cant let your husband be good cope all the time thats what will ripe you apart faster and make your marriage fail
but best of luck with the family i really hope everything works out for you
The problem is YOU. You might stop reading with that statement, but if you didn’t want to just have opinions that agree with you, you’ll read on.
YOU are making this a battle. The children are adolesents. It is perfectly normal that they are rebelling against the rules. It is also normal for them to reject YOU. Putting your husband in a position where he has to defend their behavior is wrong. BOTH of you need parenting and/or child development classes. You should have rules for the household and appropriate discipline for when the rules are broken, but you should also expect them to be broken from time to time. That is the fact of life when dealing with adolecent children. They are learning to be assertive and independent. It is up to the adults in their lives to teach them how to do that in an appropriate manner. You seem too selfish to care about doing that.
You knew the man had children when you married him. If you were not prepared to accept them, you should not have entered in to the marriage. I see nothing here that indicates you have any warmth or compassion for those children who have had to adjust to you coming into their lives.
SO WHAT if they won’t bathe. The best way to deal with that is to let their friends handle it. When they start getting called "stinky" or they start to itch, they’ll bathe. You sound like a person with no experince with children and selfish to boot. YOU are ruining the marriage, not the children. Grow up and stop competing with an 11 and 14 year old for affection.
I was married to a man for seven years, and three of his children lived with us, and i have two children they also lived with us. It was totally 100% living hell. He also was passive and his children especially the youngest one didn’t listen to anything. They were selfish, destructive and into drugs and everything else you can think of. I finally had enough and told him either he step up to the plate and get control of his children or I was leaving. Well he continued his passive ways and I left and filed for divorce. It has been seven years since I left him all three boys dropped out of school two of them have children now, and all three of them have been arrested, and the youngest who he thought was an angel is now a convicted felon. On the other hand my children are both seniors in high school, honor students. My daughter has joined the army and my son is going to college to be a doctor. So, my advice too you is require him to be accountable for his children, and if he cant or wont then get out. Life is too short to live in hell. Good Luck too you.
You seem very negative and judgemental. If putting labels like ‘demonic children’ helps you feel better then you are more dillusioned than I thought. Maybe it’s you! Did you ever think of that?
These are children and they live what we teach them – so you have in some way taught them that this behaviour gets them what they are looking for. You are the step-mother and instead of always running to the dad to solve your problems (like another child) make deicisions yourself and implement your own brand of consequences.
Avoid punishment because it never works – look at discipline as a long-term solution to a long-term problem. Stop labelling your family into neat little boxes that you can look down on from your high-horse and get back to the same level. Nobody’s values are any better than anyone else’s – maybe you need to be a little more flexible.
You are saying "Hey there is a huge problem here…" but then you go to "It’s all of them…" Well it can’t be EVERYBODY else…the common denominator is you. You can only control yourself and your reactions. Choose not to let it upset you, choose not to try to get them to listen, choose not to become so so angry and hateful. And FYI – they don’t have to listen to you! They are people just like you and children only listen to adults they respect…and respect is earned not demanded.
If my kids were fighteing all day and coming to me saying "She did this and he did this…" When my spouse also came with the anger and emotions saying "They did this…" it all sounds the same! All inmature unreliable communications – this is why your husband is so passive about it because it’s like having another child around. Start some new hobbies and get out of the house more. Do some self-exploring – it only bothers you because you allow it to…find out why you can’t let that go…you are causing your own anguish.
Physiologically emotion only lasts 7 seconds – after that it is your own thought process and recycling those thoughts that continues it. Take control of yourself – lead by example.
PS a young person of this age refusing a shower or bath is a control effort – he feels out of control of himself. This is seen in children who have been abused and they have no other way to control what is happening to them besides refusing to wash.
First I would start w/a counselor if you both are committed to the relationship, then go from there. The counselor should have ideas on how both of you can work together to get the children to start listening. He needs to get on board and get his kids to listen. If they don’t respect him, they certainly will not respect you. Good luck
go see a family couselor. if your husband does really love you he will make an effort to help put a stop to this. after all, you are not those children’s mother so you can not really tell them what to do, it has to be their father.
you have to think about why they’re being so defiant. they are children and don’t know better. and yes, they are 14 and 11 and most people think they should, but children don’t really understand the consequences to their actions until early adulthood. their brains aren’t capable of this action yet. i don’t know the reason for the dad’s remarriage, but i’m guessing that they’re not happy with the fact that their dad has a knew wife. they probably think that YOU are trying to take their dad away and are trying to replace their mom. and if your husband doesn’t respect you enough to help you get the respect you need then you don’t need to be with him. although, i’m sure he’s stuck between a rock and hard place since #1 his children came before you and #2 i’m sure he doesn’t want to look like the bad parent from the previous situation, he needs to show you that you have a partnership and he loves you enough to help you instead of sit on the sidelines and do nothing. good luck!!! i can only imagine how frustrated you are. it’s a terrible feeling!
Your stepchildren and husband are not the only problem in the situation. You said that your husband loves his children, but you obviously don’t. You call them "demonic" because they are selfish and don’t listen to you! Maybe you need to stop being selfish and start listening to them. It’s a very hard situation for kids whose parents divorce and then remarry other people. They didn’t ask for that, and they probably resent you being in an authority position over them. Try seeing life from their point of view. (There are not many fairytales about evil stepchildren, but lots about wicked stepmothers.) Maybe try loving them and building a positive relationship with them, instead of nagging them and your hubby to get them to behave the way you want them to. The relationship is bound to improve, if they see that you love and care for them. Good luck!
He need to let them know that you are not going anywhere. How long have you been married? I think in time they will come around. it’s just hard for kids to adjust.
I’ve read through the whole of your question and supplemental information. I don’t think you are helping by compromising on bathing, homework, etc. Kids need strong boundaries and your husband has to provide that.
The kids need consistent, clear, boundaries and absolute punishments for stepping over them. Taking stuff away seems to work best, but you have to be absolutely consistent about it. It’s not going to work if you say it’s for a week and relent after a couple of days. You need to show them that you are not a pushover.
You and your husband need to get some counselling. If he’s not backing you up there’s no way you’re going to sort this problem out.
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Can I just add that if your screen name relates to how you feel about yourself then you need to talk to someone about your self-esteem issues.
Your husband is tearing your marriage apart. These children although, manipulative, are victims. Someone has got to take control of this situation and if he is deployed, then step up to the plate. Go to counseling with the children, try a school counselor, or military support group. Don’t fight or punish, take a deep breath and regain control. You have got to change your opinion of them, all kids are selfish, they are just not being parented or living with limits. Your family has to have some type of intervention to survive, if only for your baby. Give him/er chance to have 2 parents by going with the oler kids to counseling. Good luck and hang in there.
tell your husband unless his children behave then youre going to take your child and leave. then he’ll take action. its not fairv that you get stuck with them.
Sounds like you’re very frustrated. Seems like the husband doesn’t do enough. Try your best not to take what the kids do to you too personally. My sister went through the same thing. The kids gave her a hard time every chance they got. Later, when they were grown, they both apologized for being so nasty to her. Told her they didn’t realize how much she really did for them. Plus, when they’re out of the house, if your marriage lasts that long, it should be smooth sailing from then on, right? Good luck!