How Can I Help My Wife Fall Back In Love?
How can I help my wife fall back in love?
She says she still deeply loves me. She still Holds my Hand and Kisses me without me doing it first. She says she loves me very very much. She still wants sex from time to time even, and says I turn her on.
We have 2 boys 7 and 12 yrs old. We got married when she was 18 and I was 22. She is now 34 and I 38. She is a CRNA Nurse Anesthesia Resident and is in school or working about 65 hrs a week. I put her through school working as hard as could over the years to help her get her RN and BSN.
We have been married for 14 years and I have not always been easy to talk to, I would always end up blowing up with a temper when she asked me to help clean house or something by saying she was nagging. She got to the point where she bottled feelings (because she felt we couldn’t talk, and I don’t blame her) and let build up to the point where we are where we are at now.
She says it started with her just over year ago. It started about a 2-3 weeks ago when I came home to a letter saying she was at her Moms and we need to separate. We text-ed all day and eventually talked and I talked her into coming back home so we could talk. I thought I was listening but I was still only hearing her, when she told me she needed help around the house.
The next time and last time we fought (which was last Thurs. night) I got mad and threw my clothes in my truck and left for the night. This was a bad move. I called her and told her I loved her very much and I was coming home, that leaving was very wrong and I am going to make this work. She said she loved me too. I came home and we talked for hours and from then on I have been doing all the laundry, washing dishes. making the kids school lunches just what ever I can to help.
We spent last weekend together shopping and tried a new Church on Sunday, holding hands and again assuring her I loved her. We hadn’t been to church in many years. We had sex 3 times over the weekend she even played dress up on Saturday night, She said she enjoyed the weekend. I now stay calm when she has a concern, assuring her she can talk to me.
That’s how I found I was a little late with my change and she is no longer “in love with me”. I CALMLY told her that it was ok and I don’t blame her. I assured her that I am a new man, and I love her, and I will not give up. She said she loves me very much too, and it’s just something she needs to work on. We are trying to get into a counselor. I tell all the time I love her, even texting her at work and saying it. (maybe too much?), I told her she was the best thing that ever happened to me and she is the best wife I could ever have and how beautiful she is.
She says she feels like she can move forward easier knowing I know how she feels and I love her. I am very scared and I pray I am not to late. She wants deeply to work it out as much as I do, I just hope she can. I have a company Christmas Party Sat. night that we are going to together. I called her and asked her out and asked her if she would like to go like I would a “girlfriend”. She said she thought that was cute! I hope I can rekindle something on this night (God I hope).
My Questions: How can I help her? Am I trying “too hard”? To the point I could be doing more harm than good by smothering her? I love her so much and I know she loves me. I just want her to be ‘in-love” with me again. What can I do?
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Tagged with: bad move • bsn • clean house • clothes • coming home • Fall 98 • feelings • holding hands • kids school • Kisses • last time • laundry • love • moms • nurse anesthesia • rn • saturday night • shopping • temper • washing dishes
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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you worked hard to put her through school and you blame yourself for not responding to the nagging about cleaning house? no wonder things are as they are in our beloved united states. men, in order to be considered that. apparently have to be spineless blobs.
you did nothing wrong. if i was in your situation i would be wondering where is her sense of gratitude. so a clean house meant more than you putting her through school? dont overdo it. if she wants to leave let her. now she is making money. let her pay for a change. im sure you will be able to find another that would appreciate your efforts without the need of being overpampered also.
"how can i help my wife fall back in love? she still deeply loves me?"
my friend, the question solves itself.
whoa! – it’s too early for me to read all of that. i seriously tried, but i went cross-eyed a few times. so i skipped to the end…you asked if you’re trying too hard, and with all that text, i would say yes. a bit of over-thinking on your behalf, is what it looks like.
if you want her to be in love with you again then you’re going to have to double up on what it was you did that made her fall in love with you in the first place…and then you’ll need to maintain whatever that is that you did to get her, to keep her.
good luck.
You need to work on yourself, not her. Focus on making changes in you, physical and emotional changes. Us women are a bit weird when it comes to getting a lot of attention, sometimes it draws us further apart. Make her want to want you. Let her "doubt" a bit. When a person feels too secured, the flame lowers, but when they can sense any type of "threat" to the relationship, then that flame starts burning again.
These are the things that got me back to falling in love with my husband again. I can see myself in your situation because I was there, married at 18 and it started happening after 14 years of marriage:
1- Start working out and fall in love with yourself- remember that people see you as you see yourself
2- Get yourself new modern outfits and change your hairstyle
3- Say you love her, only when making love to her
4- At the Christmas party keep telling her how beautiful she looks
5- Buy her a sexy lingerie for Christmas
6- Even if it is hard, you can practice in front of the mirror, say these words. "You, know, if I ever decide to leave you, you will always be the most beautiful and sexy woman for me". Try to leave the room immediately and let her simmer in those juices.
Good luck
You destroyed her in-love feelings over the course of 16 years of marriage. You only got that letter 2 or 3 weeks ago, so that’s probably all the time you’ve yet spent trying to make things better. What took 16 years to tear down is going to take months, if not a year or two, to build back up again. She has no way of knowing yet whether or not these changes she’s now seeing in you are permanent, or if you’re only doing them temporarily because the separation thing scared you. Give her time, and keep working on yourself.
I think your wife is very lucky to have a man that loves her so much that he’s willing to do anything for her. But don’t over do it. Try to give her some space. Try to make her miss you. If you are constantly reminding her of your love and keep doing too much of this and too much of that because it may not help your case. Your wife needs some space so she can get in touch with her own feelings. Your wife is telling you that she deeply loves you but that does not mean that she is still in love with you. And that is what you need to know. But don’t ask her that. You should wait until you guys can talk to a counselor and then take it from there.
My husband and I were both where you and your wife are now about 10 years ago (we’re married now 22 years). We both were thinking about ending the marriage.
There was a lot of ‘water under the bridge’ and we decided counseling was necessary – we needed someone to help navigate all of the buried resentments and get us on the right track. We always loved each other, but were having trouble with all the built-up junk.
We tried one counselor and she was basically a man hater and my husband was going to be the bad guy – this was not helpful, so we left her. We tried again and found a wonderful counselor. It only took about 5 months of hard and sometimes uncomfortable work, meeting once a week and it completely turned us around. We now have a wonderful marriage, we’re best friends and lovers, and our family is very happy. I know we can handle whatever comes our way.
The dating and helping around the house is great, and you definitely do need to remain calm, but I would encourage counseling. It would be better to get at all the issues and get them out and dealt with. A good counselor can change your married life. You also may want to go for yourself as well (I did individual counseling as well).
Right now you are in ‘panic mode’ and you are working like crazy to save the marriage, but you will only be able to do that for so long. A permanent fix is what you need.
I wish you much luck. A good marriage is worth more than words can say.
In love out of love– you fall in a hole and out of a tree. Love is love. She says she loves you. I would imagine you are smothering her. It has gone from you being selfish to all of the sudden you have decided you can not live without her and you are finally listening. When it gets to this part it is going to be very difficult for her to believe the new you is going to last or is it just a ploy to try to smooth things over until you can go back to being the old you. Can you imagine how hard it has been with her schedule? She has been taking care of the family, cooking, and cleaning. Of course she would be fed up. You were acting like another child she had to take care of instead of a partner in the relationship. Your wife does not need to hear you love her over and over again. She needs to see things. She needs to see how much you say you care. Examples could be you watching the children, you setting up a relaxing study place for her, you planning a dinner and shopping for the ingredients. Grow up, stop being selfish, stop your temper tantrums, and start acting like the partner she deserves.
There are times when a person can actually pull the blinders off and see the error of their ways. You are going to seek Professional help and, if you are serious, you had better. She does want this right?
–I think, if I was you, I would have a session with a psychiatrist. Ask your wife what she thinks about this. If your foot hurts you go to a foot doctor right?
–You have made it clear that "you" have problems that you fear exacted damage to your relationship. It appears you have been trying to make amends. I would tell you to do everything in your power to find the right solution. It is not the love you should be concerned with. She is still with you so I feel this is self-evident. She loves you as she probably would be gone if not right?
–You need to talk to her and question the smothering and the texting part. Ask her where she feels you are concerning reparations. Does she answer everytime you text?
–It seems she likes the way certain things are going, probably loves that you are helping now, also loves that there are less fights, and I assure you loves the attention. If you keep going you might actually make yourself a keeper.
–An idea that you might consider. Sit down with her without interruptions and have an update talk. Explain your actions. Ask "her" if you are going too far. Listen to what she has to say. Make sure you tell her that you just know you screwed up and do not want to lose your love and lifemate.
–I have a husband that has been doing things like you are now doing for over 32(33 in March) years. Of course he is the bread earner so I do not expect him to do so much. He buys me special "dress up" clothes and I am happy to wear them. We certainly have date nights and I do go as his girlfriend. I love doors being opened for me, the flowers, the attention, and the love.
–People spend billions on XXX video’s for fun and fantasy and miss the actual living that can happen. Did you know that womens romance novel’s probably sell as much as XXX video’s. Women want romance and after the chase it does not seem long that, kids, work, life-if you will- puts a damper on it.
–Go on these "dates" once a month at least. On occation, 3 or 4 times a year, get a babysitter and do the hotel date. Your relationship can not do anything but get better as your sex life certainly will. When is the last time you went skinny dipping at night?
–Remember you are not trying to win her but win her over. You already have her. Is it ok to make amends for how many years of neglect? Sure it is. You are also right not to want to smother her.
–You may have found your "best friend" that was living with you all along right?
–Now! Let’s see how you are doing so far. Do you guys go camping? How is the "family" things working out? I only say this because neglect is usually not just a single instance. What do you guys do as a family? Do you go fishing, camping, swimming on a regular basis? You affirm your dedication to her also through the two boys. I do not mean just taking them to ball games but thigs as a family. When is the last time you had a boys night out? This is something that grows the bond between you and them. It also gives her time to herself or even a night with the girlfriends. I am just stating this because it is not all about just you and her right?
Whew! It is a good thing this sites is free because you have just received several thousands of dollars worth of advice but more than that you could have a life time of happiness.
You two need some space, rest, or disengagement/recreation. I do not know how you could realize this – but it was very important. You two should somehow recalculate that how much charge is on you and she.
best thing is to work through all of the negative things and your wife and you talk with a marriage counselor that can help you sort things out.
with women especially, once you hurt a woman’s feelings it is like something that comes between you and that is why she isn’t in love with you, she looks at you and sees the bad times.(so just be loving and make good times everyday and night)
the marriage counselor can maybe help you live better together, so it will help both of you.