Better to wait then to choose between husband or boyfriend?
I’ve been married for ten years. The last five have been difficult and my husband asked me to date others- after faking a relationship for a year I finally met someone- and our romance grew. After 9 months I thought it was time to leave my marriage but I find that I am holding back from committing with my boyfriend. Now after 3 months of seperation, during which my estranged husband was wonderful and understanding- everything he wasnt when we were together- he has asked for a second chance after he has determined that I have second thoughts about the BF. This is my question. Husband for ten years- knows me the best- wonderful father- excellent provider- who basically gave me away. Boyfriend- excellent lover-positive &socially active as I like to be-with clinginess and maybe not as intelligently inclined as I would like. I care for them both very much. But im thinking of my children and my future. Husband is stable we have a home- boyfriend is a renter and needs to quit smoking.help
I know its weird! Trust me I didnt think he was serious- at first it was a fantasy that later got stronger for the real thing- which is why I faked it for a year that I was with someone else. He now says it was the worst mistake to ever share me. I agree its weird- im not asking you to chose- maybe im asking whats the best way to chose and what I should consider. and you are probably right- maybe I should be alone first and figure out what I need to do for myself before involving other lives.
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Tagged with: 9 months • amp • bf • clinginess • fantasy • marriage • mistake • relationship • renter • romance • second chance • second thoughts • seperation • wonderful father
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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go for the Husband… you took him for granted and thought he would make you happy.. but that’s something you need to work on.
he loved you and let you go (that is truly love) and hopefully you’ll come back
I can’t believe you are going to leave your husband for a RENTER!
Thats a very tough situation what i can nt get over is your husband gave you up really, what a horrible feeling. i could not image and i feel bad for you. the only thing you can do is follow your heart. if you go with the bf your going to be starting all over and you need to make sure that hes ok with that as well. from his perspective hes dating a married a woman, do you know for sure hes not seeing ayone else and is going to want a committed relationship with you? maybe he woudl like to remain in an open relationship.
Follow your gut feeling…and good luck!
I believe you answered your own question. Why be with either at this point? Neither seem to fit your needs, unless you don’t care about ACTUAL love. Love overlooks a lot of things. Do not settle for either. THere are not just 2 choices, there is a third – go out on your own and take your time to make any decision; in the meantime your ex-husband may continue to be the good provider to your children and keep your relationship positive. Don’t be rushed into any decision.
Sounds like your husband is a great guy and you know it. You made a commitment to him and the family you would have together 10 years ago and it is worth it for you to keep that commitment. Go back to your husband and find that passion that you used to have.
You are not as intelligently inclined as you like to think you are.
Do it for your children, save your marriage. Otherwise none.
Maybe your husband was giving you an opportunity to clear your head and figure it out on your own. Not necessarily "giving you away" as you say. Like you said, he knows you the best, and probably could tell that your feelings were starting to sway. How do you know for sure that the boyfriend isn’t just a fling? 9 months is quite a while, but I was with a guy for over a year before realizing that I was miserable. You’re holding back for a reason…re-check your situation…maybe you just need to sit your husband down and tell him EXACTLY what you’re feeling/missing/needing from him.
Good luck!!!
You don’t be with someone because you "care for them" or they are "intelligent and a good provider and socially active". You be with someone because you love them. And love cannot be for two people or it is not real. You are not choosing what shirt to wear. If I were you I would go to counseling with the husband or simply stay on your own until you can sort out what true love really is
Stay with your hubby for sure.
wow sounds like your screwed you should’ve just divorced nothing good ever comes from cheating even if you hubby suggested it don’t need no be married because neither one of you take your vows seriously
This has got to be one of the strangest situations I’ve ever heard of. Your husband is a loop who only wants you once you’ve found happiness with someone else. He’ll go right back to the way he was within a year. Seriously ask yourself, what kind of husband actually tells his wife to go out and date other men and then truly wants her back after she’s been with someone else?
you have a boyfriend, your married, your husband knows and your having trouble deciding? I think u all need to be examined.
Good Lord. I need a drink after hearing from this. (and I don’t drink)
You aren’t honestly asking other people to choose for you, are you?
I’m all for you staying with your husband. I mean, the two of you have made a royal mess of it, but maybe wiping the slate clean and re-examining what you think it means to be married will help you in the future.
YOu know sometimes just because your husband has a home and doesnt smoke doesnt necessarily mean its a stable environment. Follow your heart, and let me tell you one thing your husband is an AMAZING person for letting you pick and choose who you please. If i was him i would be gone. I would never sit back and watch my woman (or man) be with another person you say vows for a reason. Make the right choice, not because someone is stable or someone has more money blah blah blah follow your heart its the only way you are going to be happy .
Can’t understand why any husband would ask their wife to date others??? Do you sleep with both? Stay with the husband and try to be a couple together, not with others involved. Did he also date others?… just weird sorry!
The husband sound like the best choice.
It your decision. Are you and you husband going to be able to look past this. If so wow you guys are amazing. It amazing that you could be separated for a while and he allowed you to date. I wanted to live separate from my ex no dating even and we never could come to an agreement on that. I wish you the best.
Your husband tells you to date however you did it I think to spite him and fell in love HOWEVER scared of failing and commitment. Personally I think you both need marriage therapy and personal therapy. You can’t love someone new if you have all this baggage and issues. I know I been there
best wishes!
It’s All about " YOU " isn’t it ?
What You want ,
What you need ,
What’s best for YOU !!!!!!
You are an incredibly SELFISH person .
I would have said to stay with your husband, but what bothers me is how he asked you to date others, this to me shows he didn’t care. He might have had his reasons for saying this to you but if I were you I would find out what that reason is before basing a decision. You see, if you do not know where you really stand with your husband you might be making a mistake by choosing to be with him. For all you know, your husband’s motive to stay in the marriage can be because he does not want the financial burden that comes with a divorce, or he was seeing someone else and it did not work out. Either way, you need to get clarification on where you stand in your relationship with your husband first, because as you said, he practically gave you away. What happened between then and now to make him feel so differently, that would be my question to him. Good luck to you!
The answer is, stay with your husband and work on the marriage. It’s imperative for both of you to work as hard as you can on making a better marriage. Let’s just hope your husband doesn’t want you back for selfish reasons.
Oddly, the way you’re presenting this I don’t think it sounds all that strange. I mean, I can see how it kind of spun out of control. But you’re not nuts or anything at all!
I do think the best thing at this point is for you to dump the BF (there’s almost no case that can be made for him) and then tell hubby you need some time alone to reflect on all this. Make sure your kids understand that this isn’t about them, and always speak well of hubby. However, if it was me, the thing I’d want to figure out is whether or not his interest jacked up the minute you became unavailable.
If you give this good honest soul searching and do want him back, marriage counseling is a must and he has to agree to it. Your kids are picking up all sorts of strange things from all this and that’s the one thing that matters most — what is best for them.
It will be better if the family stays together. But you need to do what you can to ensure that this isn’t simply the grass being greener on hubby’s part, and that he wants you back for YOU, not because someone else is interested. Marriage counseling would help sort this out.
Good luck!
I want to be sure I have this right, because, by my reading, most of the people who answered your question misunderstood you. You say that your husband wanted you to "date" other men, and when you say, "at first it was a fantasy that later got stronger for the real thing" I get the strong impression it was way more about a sexual fetish than about your relationship. Your husband was into a "cuckold" fetish, is that right? He got off on thinking about you with another man, if I’m understanding.
If so, you seem to have taken his sexual fantasy in a direction he never intended. Cuckolding is supposedly about sex, not about falling in love. You two therefore seem to have played the game the wrong way. You didn’t think about the rules beforehand, PLUS you made the mistake of engaging in this kinkiness while going through a hard time in your marriage. Big mistakes. Only strong marriages where both partners use solid communication skills can handle the stress of extra-partner sexual escapades.
Unfortunately, your bf is kind of an innocent victim in all this. For that, I feel some sympathy for him. However, my recommendation to you is that you cut him loose and work on your marriage. You and your husband should learn how better to communicate with each other and work towards being more emotionally intimate. Let this experience teach you a valuable lesson to both of you about the importance of appreciating what you have.